You Smell Like Hope

15. To Begin Again

When the world was ending
We'd hold onto the past
'Cause it's all we thought that we would ever see

The Flower Garden.
Where kids run.
Where teenagers kiss.
Where adults rest.
Where I breathe.

Jisung's pov.

It was finally the day of the performance, after a whole week of practicing and a lot of remarks from Hyunjin, I think it's safe to say that I'm ready.

I would be lying if I said it wasn't fun, however.

From the start of the day with Jeongin soft conversations to Chan buying me a new sweet coffee every morning to the girls helping me with my vocal lessons and memorizing the lyrics.

Even the part when I had to attend meeting with Minho at places that scared me to death from how expensive they looked, it was still enjoyable.

It was still me.

I was still dressed.

Two days ago, Jeongin came earlier than usual to pick me up. He, along with Felix were responsible for the outfit. at first it was supposed to be Hyunjin and Felix, but then Felix asked Minho to take Jeongin, who he by the way calls Innie, instead of Hyunjin.

I don't think I want to know why.

I'm standing in front of the mirror right now with the outfit they picked, more like designed.

it feels unreal.

The dark red with the black leather, the belt and chains, the makeup Nino helped me with, the hair Hemy styled.

I look like a real singer that's about to go on stage.

But more importantly I look like a human.

A human that is treated like one.

I guess last time I was too anxious, or perhaps unused to the feeling, but right now I am aware... of how much I love it.

I am aware that I don't just feel like a singer that's about to go on stage, no I AM a singer who's about to go on stage and preform for everyone to listen, not watch.

Out there, on that stage. I am Han Jisung. the performer of the event.

Out there, on that stage. I am not J.one. the fun of the night.

these were my thoughts as I walked from the darkness of the backstage to the light.

the darkness where people could see me to the light where people can listen to me.

''Hello everyone, this is Han Jisung,'' I spoke to the mic. ''it's nice to have everyone here with us at the lost children fundraise event. we appreciate your donations and concern about the children lost in the busy street and we want to thank you for helping our company providing these children with safe environment to stay in, please enjoy the songs.'' my own speech had broken me, and I started singing into the mic with the image of the kids at the base, the image of Harry and Louis, the image of myself.

''Everybody's talking about last night......
The cops showed up when everyone was passed out
At my classmates house
No one told me where to go
But then again I'd never showed
Still I can't help but feeling left behind
This is for the lonely ones
The ones who go to bed and think they got no one
The shy kid at the playground
The runaways on Greyhounds
This is for the lonely ones
The ones who always wonder where their friends have gone
The boy who can't stop crying
The girl who gave up trying
This is for the lonely ones
The lonely ones
Yeah, I am just like you
I have been there too
Wakeup feeling worse than yesterday
I'm pretty fucking far from being okay
Still I check my phone
Perfect smiles and perfect lives
Though I know it's all a lie
I can't help but feeling I should change''

After the second verse I finally opened my eyes. I was flooded with emotions when I looked at where I knew he sat.

and he was there, with eyes at me yet it wasn't burning. it didn't send cold shivers to my spine; it was just there. looking at me.

not looking forward to having me, but at me.

I smiled and it was obvious in my voice, and it was like a smile and tears can't stay on one face together as the tears dried away.

I smiled and I could swear his lips shifted upwards even when I am far and could barely see, but I saw it in his eyes and smelled it in the atmosphere. the smell of a sunny day walking around a flower garden that has just been watered.

But then I shifted my eyes and it's like the flowers were met with fire instead of water.

I saw him. and he's looking at me with a smirk.

I quickly looked away and started the second song, this time my body shaking with fear instead of emotions.

I closed my eyes and didn't open them until the song was done when I thanked everyone and kept my speed steady until I wasn't visible anymore and that's when I finally picked up a speed. I ran to the room I got ready in ignoring everyone's calls.

I close my eyes and let myself fall.

It's like whatever I do, my past always finds its way back to me, like it's telling me I shouldn't be living the present, like it's reminding me I was not meant to have a future, that people like me should be nowhere outside their brain until it gets the best of them, so they leave.

I felt nothing.

Not the tears nor the fears. Not the deep struggling breath nor the shaking body.

Not the door opening nor the boy coming in.

I felt nothing until his arms wrapped around me.

Just then I felt my own tears on my face. I felt him steadying my body.

and I heard him whispering, ''He told me, I am so sorry.''

and that was my last string. my future colliding with my past.

I think I screamed or maybe it was just in my brain.

I felt something shatter, but maybe it was just my heart.

''You are safe now; I wouldn't let him reach you.'' he whispered, ''please try breathing with me.'' I don't think it worked because that was the last thing I heard.