Xyianne
After the confession of my professor regarding her horrible experience in the past, honestly, it shocked the hell out of me. Who would've thought that someone like her underwent that kind of situation? I fully understand her of what she'd done. It's obviously self defense, maski ako baka mapatay ko rin yung lalaking yon if ever ako yung ginawan niya ng kababuyan at kung may pagkakataon namang lumaban, why not?
She deserves all the great things that this world has to offer and I am willing to be with her through it all. I know she's scared that I might lose my feelings for her if I discovered that, but, it's the opposite, mas lalo akong na-inspire of how brave she is. Alam kong marami pa siyang dahilan para lang lumayo ako sa kanya but that didn't stop me from pursuing my feelings for her.
I know I've said to give her space dahil ayon ang gusto niya but I can't stand to just wait because I know that that's not what she really wants. She's just averting her feelings because she's avoiding something to happen, still, whatever it may be, I'm willing to uncover it.
I'm willing to take the risk. Ngayon pa na naconfirm kong siya ang kasama ni Mommy sa picture. There's more to it that I want to know. I compared her photos inside her room to the photograph of them before at CCF which includes my mom and it's accurate.
I know there are a lot of things she's hiding from me and I don't want that to be the trammel in continuing what we truly feel for each other.
I always feel something about her, like it's always pulling me to her no matter what I do to avoid it.
"Aren't you going to sleep?" Her raspy voice said. Nakatulog kasi siya at nandito pa rin kami sa living room niya sa mahabang couch.
She was sleeping on my lap for almost 3 hrs now. It's nearly midnight and I cannot stop staring at her peaceful face while she sleeps.
I just gave her a small smile and brushed her hair gently with my fingers. "I can't sleep." Mahina kong sabi.
"Do you wanna go upstairs? Let's get you to bed. I'll continue my sleep in my room." Umalis ito sa pagkakahiga at naupo ng maayos at sabay harap sa akin.
Kita ko ang mugto ng mata nito mula sa pag iyak kanina. Her hair was perfectly laid down na akala mo hindi galing sa pagkakatulog. Ang simple niya pero ang ganda ganda pa rin talaga. Masyado rin akong nadidistract sa suot niyang pantulog, masyadong exposed yung balat niya, lumilitaw tuloy ang pagkaputi niya at kung gaano kakinis ang mga ito.
I know I shouldn't think of such things like that to her but I can't stop myself from worshipping her beauty. Just like earlier when her thin blouse was soaked by the rain. I can't stop myself from drooling over her which, again, I shouldn't even think about.
This is really worse.
"Zamora?"
I blinked, "Uh, yeah, sure. Let's go." Nauna na akong maglakad paakyat patungo sa kwarto niya. Ihahatid ko lang siya pero sa kabilang kwarto ako hihiga.
I waited for her to reach her room until she opened it and entered inside.
"Good night po." Saad ko sa labas ng pintuan ng kwarto niya bago abutin ang doorknob upang isara ito.
She turned around to face me, meron siyang gustong sabihin. I can see it in her eyes.
"Good night..." She said shyly. Nang isasara ko na ang pintuan ay nagsalita siyang muli. "Uhm, Z-zamora..."
I stopped half way and peaked my head inside to see her. Her face was flushed in red while both of her hands were on her back. Her hair was gorgeously shiny and wavy. She just simply stood shyly over there looking at me but my choatic hormones are reacting like crazy. Damn, it's a sin to be that adorably hot.
Agad akong napalunok sabay iwas ng tingin at tinuon na lang ang mga mata ko sa sahig. "Yes po?"
"Are you okay sleeping alone in the other room?"
I glanced at her and glanced away again then nodded my head. "I think so, yeah."
"Why can't you look at me? May mali ba?" Her sweet voice lingered inside my ears na lalong nagpanginig sa akin.
I decided to stand up straight and open the door a little wider para hindi na ako sumisilip. I bit my lower lip while my head bent down a bit then sigh before looking at her again. Hindi ko alam kung nakailang lunok na ako ngayong gabi.
"W-wala po, ano kasi...uhm, matulog na po kayo. Anong oras na kasi." I scratched my head because of my stupid reasons.
Naglakad ito papalapit sa akin kaya naman mas lalong nanghina ang mga tuhod ko at napatikhim ako nang wala sa oras.
"Are you scared of me?" May pag-aalala nitong tanong na agad ko namang inilingan.
"No. Why would I? Ikaw na po yung pinakamabait na taong nakilala ko. What you did in the past will stay in the past."
I said seriously.
She smiled at me. "I have to tell you a lot about my past. I think it's time for me not to hold back anymore and I hope you still look at me the same after it."
"Whatever it is. I'm willing to know it all and whatever happens I will always be here, Ma'am."
"Ma'am, right..." She said disappointed.
I chuckled at her reaction, "You're still my professor—-" Bigla akong natuod nang ilagay niya ang dalawang braso niya upang ipulipot sa leeg ko. Nakaramdam din ako ng init sa katawan at malakas na kuryenteng dumaloy sa bawat ugat ko.
"I'm not when you're in my house." She said under her breath. I feel her fingers tracing my nape that sends shivers down my spine.
My breath becomes heavy because of her effect. How her eyes flattered at me. Our distance was so close that I could barely breathe to survive. "Okay," tipid kong sagot dahil hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin at sasabihin ko sa kanya.
She chuckled sexily. My gosh!
"Are you alright, Yunis?" She said teasingly.
"I-I'm not.." pag aamin ko.
"Why though?"
"Too much...you're too much." I gulped.
"Hmmm, I just want to say thank you." She sincerely said pero hindi nakaligtas sa akin ang pag angat ng gilid ng labi niya. She's enjoying her effect on me. It's very clear on her face.
"Y-you're welcome." I said barely audible dahil mas lalo niyang nilapit ang mukha niya sa akin. I can feel her warm breath against my face.
She smiled at me like she's really enjoying witnessing my reaction. "Okay,"
Then she tilted her head and in milliseconds I felt her lips touching mine. Her soft, strawberry flavored, pinkish lips are touching my lips!
Napahawak ako bigla sa bewang niya para may pagkapitan ako. Nawalan ako bigla ng lakas dahil sa pangyayari.
I was about to move my mouth when she broke the kiss then licked her lips after as she smirked at me. "Good night, Yunis. We should get some sleep. We're going somewhere tomorrow."
She left me in her front door na parang tangang nabitin sa ginawa niya. Argh!
"Please close the door for me. Thank you!" Sigaw pa nito bago mamatay ang ilaw sa loob ng kwarto niya.
Great. She left me hanging. Gaganti ako.
Tikman mo ang ganti ng api, Ma'am! Hehe joke.
***
"Hey, Sweety. Wakey wakey."
I groan and snuggle myself more to the soft fabric that's hugging my body. This smells so good, sweet like her.
"Wake up na, I'm going to take you somewhere special. We should prepare."
I felt her warm palm on my cheek while she shook it gently.
"5 minutes please?" I said, my eyes are still shut. Halos kakatulog ko lang rin kasi ng mga 3:30 AM and I think it's still too early kaya ayaw bumukas ng mata ko.
I heard her chuckle heartily. "Okay," Her footsteps echoed and the door shut closed.
After a few minutes, I felt the side of the bed lowered. "Yunis, five minutes done. The food is waiting." She whispered in my ear which tickles me kaya napadilat na ako.
My eyes adjusted easily and caught the woman whom my heart beats for beside me, giving me her sweetest smile.
What a good day to start? Seeing her first thing in the morning. My heart warms with it. I gave her my morning smile too.
"Good morning," I said my throat hurts a little. Natuyuan na ko ng lalamunan.
I saw her face reddening as she bites her lower lip to prevent herself from smiling cheekily. "Good morning." while nodding her head gently. "Let's eat? Breakfast is ready."
"Okay po, I'll follow." Iniwan na niya ako sa kwarto habang ako naman ay bumangon na para maghilamos at magsipilyo bago bumaba para kumain.
Once I'm done, I quickly go downstairs and see her already waiting for me at the table. I sat opposite her and greeted her good morning again which she also does. Then we start eating our food. She prepared pancakes, eggs, and bacon. She also made me a coffee that tastes like the coffee I always ordered at L.U., Amazing!
"How's your sleep? Wala namang kumalabit sayo?" Pagbibiro niya kaya tinignan ko siya nang maigi.
"You're joking, right?" Paninigurado ko pa dahil parang may naramdaman ako kaninang madaling araw na dumampi sa mukha ko pero hindi ko na lang pinansin dahil mabigat na ang talukap ng mga mata ko.
She laughs, "Maybe," kibit balikat niyang sagot pagtapos ay humigop na ng kape. She's hiding her smile behind her cup of coffee kaya naman sinamaan ko na siya ng tingin.
Sa susunod tatabi na ko sa kanya matulog kung may multo pala dito!
"Hindi kaya maganda manakot ng bisita sa sarili mong pamamahay, Ma'am." Pagtataray ko sabay subo ng pancake sa bibig ko.
Tumawa siya lalo sa reaksyon ko kaya naman napasalubong ang kilay ko. Aga naman mang asar nito. Pero okay lang, mas gusto kong tumatawa siya at ngumingiti kaysa umiiyak.
Natapos naman ang breakfast namin ng maayos. After that ay nag asikaso na kami para sa pupuntahan namin. I still don't know where we are going pero kung siya naman ang kasama ko ay hindi ako magdadalawang isip na sumama.
She gave me a new pair of clothes. It's a simple white adidas t-shirt, faded blue jeans and a white adidas sneakers. All of it is brand new. Dahil basa pa rin ang sapatos ko from the rain last night. While she wears a light pink floral dress with sleeves, V-neck style kaya naman kita nang bahagya ang cleavage niya then partnered it with a white adidas sneakers just like mine. Oh... A couple shoes? Bahagya akong namula sa naisip.
Anong couple? How I wish.
"Let's go?" Surprise is an understatement. She held my hand and pulled me outside her house until we reached her parking lot.
I was quiet and just looking at our clasped hands and then she pulled away dahil nakarating na kami sa sasakyan niya. Medyo nalungkot ako don ah.
Sumakay ako agad sa passenger seat nang tahimik at pinagmasdan ang kamay kong hinawakan niya. Yung pakiramdam ng malambot at mainit niyang palad ay ramdam ko pa rin hanggang ngayon.
"Yunis," I startled a little.
"Yes po?"
"Ayos ka lang?"
I nodded, "Yeah,"
"You can sleep on the way. It's an hour and a half drive from here." She started her car and drove out of her house.
It's Sunday today kaya walang traffic sa daan kaya siguro an hour lang ang byahe namin. Tumango lang ako at nanatiling tahimik. Ang tanging ingay lang ngayon ay ang tugtog sa stereo.
[Your Universe by Rico Blanco]
Tell me something
When the rain falls on my face
How do you quickly replace it
With a golden summer smile?
Tell me something
When I'm feelin' tired and afraid
How do you know just what to say
To make everything alright?
Awtomatiko akong napatingin sa katabi kong nagdadrive nang marinig ko ang tugtog. Saktong sakto nga naman ang universe at siya na ang gumagawa ng paraan para masabi ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya gamit ang kantang ito.
"I don't think that you even realize
The joy you make me feel when I'm inside your universe
You hold me like I'm the one who's precious
I hate to break it to you, but it's just the other way around
You can thank your stars all you want
But I'll always be the lucky one."
Sinabayan ko ang kanta habang seryoso siyang nakafocus sa harapan ng kalsada at ako ay nanatiling nakatitig sa kanya. Wala na akong pakialam kung mahalata niya yung pagtitig ko ang mahalaga ay malaman niya yung gusto kong ipahiwatig sa kanya.
Tell me something
When I'm 'bout to lose control
How do you patiently hold my hand
And gently calm me down?
I held her hand that was clutching on the gear na ikanagulat niya. She smiled sweetly at me while her face turned pink. She then returned and gazed back at the road.
I intertwined it without minding my heartbeat that is increasingly pumping because of her warmth.
Tell me something
When you sing and when you laugh
Why do I always photograph
My heart flying way above the clouds?
Sinabayan namin ng kanta ang tugtog sa loob ng sasakyan. Our laughter was mixed and it made my heart float. Sobrang gaan talaga ng pakiramdam ko kapag kasama siya. Para bang walang problemang mangyayari kapag nasa tabi ko siya at nahahawakan.
I can finally admit that I'm in love with her.
I don't think that you even realize
The joy you make me feel when I'm inside your universe
You hold me like I'm the one who's precious
I hate to break it to you, but it's just the other way around
You can thank your stars all you want
But I'll always be the lucky one
Whoa-oh-ooh, ooh
Whoa-oh-ooh, ooh
Whoa-oh-ooh, ooh, ooh
We bang our head to the beat while singing in duet. My smile never fades. It's the longest smile I ever wear on my face in my entire existence. She made me do it. She always made me smile, she made my heart beats abnormally as I always say, and she made my head spinning, revolving only to her. I am happy, I feel complete.
I don't think that you even realize
The joy you make me feel when I'm inside your universe
You hold me like I'm the one who's precious
I hate to break it to you, but it's just the other way around
You can thank your stars all you want
But I'll always be the lucky one
You can thank your stars all you want
But I'll always be the lucky one
I'll always be the lucky one
I'll always be the lucky one
I squeezed her hand before lifting it towards my lips to give it a gentle kiss.
"I feel lucky." I murmured against her skin.
***
11:30 AM
"Where here!" She gets out of the car happily. Hindi na niya ako hinintay at ninamnam na ang sariwang hangin sa paligid.
Lumabas na rin ako at napanganga na lang sa ganda ng dagat sa harapan ko.
"Wow, this is mesmerising!" I closed my eyes to feel the fresh breeze of the wind that keeps slapping on my skin. My smile didn't fade away from our ride until here. It feels good to be at ease for a while.
"Indeed." She said breathlessly.
I opened my eyes only to meet her captivating looks on me. "The view or me?" I teased so she chuckled.
"Both." She answered quickly and made my stomach flip.
I straightened my face to hide the kilig in me but she chuckled even more. "Tara na nga. So we can prepare our lunch." She held my hand again, nagpatianod na lang ako sa kanya habang papalapit kami sa isang villa malapit sa dagat. It's a private island dahil walang kahit na sinong nakatira sa paligid.
"Is this your house, Ma'am?" I curiously asked once we stepped foot in front of this old villa. The design somehow looks a little old but the furniture outside and some of its exterior designs were modern. So it's a mix.
I felt the slight grip on my hand, huminga ito nang malalim before facing me. I saw the concern in her eyes which made my brows furrowed. "Bakit po?"
"Promise me, don't walk away."
Kinabahan ako sa sinabi niya. Bakit naman ako aalis? "Para saan po bakit niyo sinasabi ito?"
"Please promise me, you will not walk away." Pagdidiin nito.
Kahit hindi sigurado sa mangyayari ay tumango na lang ako at napakapit ng mahigpit sa kamay niya. "I promise."
She nodded and pulled me inside the villa.
"This is..."
"This is the biggest part of my past that hinders me to continue what I truly feel for you." She speaks fast like a rapper, mahahalata mong kinakabahan siya the way siya magsalita.
My eyes swiftly shed tears when she opens the door. Lots of photographs were hung on the wall in the living room. It's my mom, the woman named Tilly and her...the woman beside me who's still holding my hand firmly.
"What is the meaning of this? Are you–—" napaatras ako nang bahagya.
"Can we take a seat first?" She cut me off and looked at me with worry. She never lets go of my hand.
Kahit na nagdadalawang isip ay pumasok na ako nang tuluyan at naupo kami parehas sa couch, katapat ng mga litrato sa pader.
Her lips tremble as she speaks. "It's a very long story, but, your mom and my mom were basically in love with each other but life circumstances tried to cut them out, they fought their way to be together–—even if they're both married with men, your dad and tito Louis. T-They both suffered in arranged marriage just like what you're going through with my step brother which basically, they don't love their husbands as they love each other so much. They even filed a divorce long before I was adopted however both of their husbands didn't sign the papers for their personal gains, tito Louis was just after the money while your dad...did something to your mom that's why I only end up with my adoptive mom, Tilly Uzzaleah because of an unexpected surprise—–it was you which is a blessing to us. We became much closer because of you."
"...but that happiness was just always temporary. I--I was there, I am the sole witness of their true love even in their hardships—–they did everything to be together and build their own family which supposedly includes me as your...sister...but it didn't happen because of fate." She paused for a while to breathe.
"I was obviously left alone again but I didn't feel that when I'm around you, when I'm seeing you from afar. I'm content that I was existing just to watch you grow and become the woman that you are now. You've grown so much and I'm proud of you. I'm sure your mom will be much prouder if she's still alive." She tried to smile even though I was just looking at her blankly.
"I'm sorry for hiding all of those things for you. Napangunahan lang ako ng takot na baka iwan at sukuan mo rin ako gaya nila kapag nalaman mo na ang lahat...I always feel not enough for them to stay that's why I don't want to push myself to you. I'm too scared of love because I witnessed the outcome of it a long time ago." She gave me a gentle squeeze on my already numb hand, looking at any reaction on my face while I'm here still trying to sink and absorb every new information in my mind. Speechless, frozen, shocked, weak and hurt.
She was about to continue her speech but I decided to speak first.
"So...you're pretending all this time?" That's the only thing I managed to say. My voice came out harder than it's supposed to be. I clenched my jaw and shut my eyes then heaved a sigh. I removed my hand she's holding.
"No! That's not true, I'm not pretending—–" she tried to reach out to me again but I refused.
"Then what did you call that?! You basically know everything about me and my mom yet you didn't even dare to tell me not until today! Are you playing with me, Ma'am?! It's been so long since we've met. I asked you before right? But what answer did I get from you? And then what? You're following me since I was a child like a stalker? So that's why you already knew me when I first met you at the restaurant! What else are you hiding from me?" Hinilamos ko ang mga palad sa aking mukha sabay hawi ng aking buhok na humaharang sa mata ko then I stood up from sitting and frustratedly looked at her.
I need to breathe.
"Yunis–—"
"I'm going out for a while. Don't follow me." I said before turning my back on her. My tears are streaming down my face but I'm still silent while walking out of the villa.
"You're going back, right?" Her voice cracked but hopeful as I felt her sad eyes staring at me.
"I don't want to break my promise. I just need to clear my head, I don't want to hurt you more with my words especially since I feel mad and fooled." I said above my shoulder.
I don't know where my feet are taking me. I just really need to clear my thoughts and calm my nerves right now. Ayokong magalit. I should understand her. Kaya papakalmahin ko muna ang sarili ko.
I heard her sobs as she let me leave.
Tanghaling tapat. Tirik ang araw sa labas. Naghanap ako ng lugar kung saan may masisilungan.
I walk further away from the villa. The sand was eating my feet in every step. I let out a puff until I reached a rock formation that I can settle with.
Once I'm sat, I watch the ocean's current hitting on the rock. The sound of waves that keeps splashing against it is like music in my ears, it somehow takes my mind away from overthinking.
I hug myself while feeling the salty wind against my skin and watch the far distance of the blue ocean in front of me before deciding to talk to her. "Mommy, bakit naman ganito?"
"So it's really true that you're gay. May pinagmanahan pala talaga ako." I chuckled wryly.
"Kaya siguro galit na galit si Dad sakin. Now I get the reason behind why he keeps on setting me up to date boys. He's afraid of your ghost. He's afraid of me being like you." I exaggeratedly exhaled.
"I just hope when the time comes that I'm ready to talk to him. He will listen and understand me. Bagay na hindi niya nagawa sayo. I'm sorry I felt guilty for breathing the air that is supposed to be yours but thank you also for still choosing to let me grow inside you although it's against your will. I apologize on behalf of dad for doing bad things to you and your woman."
"...I still love him, though, despite the fact that he hated the version of me. He's the only family I got. The only man, I ever cherish. He did try his best to be a father to me that's why he's important and I hope that he understands that nothing will change between us although I'm like this."
"I will continue your love story, mom. Using ourselves. Buti na lang hindi ko siya naging kapatid." I chuckled again like a crazy kiddo who's talking to the air.
"Guide me, Mommy. Alam kong nasasaktan siya ngayon, kaso pinili ko pa ring iwan siya, sandali lang naman ito eh. Gusto lang kita kausapin. Pero hindi ko siya susukuan gaya ng naranasan niya before. I really want to be better for her. Kaya mas pinili ko muna lumayo para mag isip isip at mapagtanto ng mabuti yung point niya kung bakit ngayon lang niya sinabi."
"...She's so kind and brave, Mom. I really admire her for being that kind of person, like the way your braveness shows when loving your woman....I know nakuha niya yung pagiging ganon niya sa inyong dalawa. That's why I want to be like all of you and I really want her to be mine this time, Mommy. Help me to have courage and please bulungan niyo po siya na sumagot ng oo." Biglang lumakas ang ihip ng hangin sa paligid ko kaya naman napabalikwas agad ako.
"Mmy! Huwag niyo akong takutin. Sabi ko siya yung bulungan niyo ha. O-okay na akong naparating sayo yung gusto kong sabihin. Babalik na po ako. Eto na."
Dagdag ko pa. Siguro kung may award lang ng pagiging baliw, nanalo na ako.
Baliw sa pagsasalita mag-isa at baliw sa kanya. Hehehe.
I go down carefully until my feet touch the cold water of the sea. Habang naglalakad ay may napansin akong isang puno ng buko na may nakaukit na initials sa loob ng puso.
"T & Y" I read. "Ang corny niyo rin pala." Bulong ko sa sarili ko nang matapos kong matawa ng bahagya at umiling.
"Wait." I said to myself.
I should apologize for snapping at her kanina. I check my phone in my pocket. Walang signal. I can't buy pink roses for her. Wala ring tanim ng rose dito sa paligid ko ang alam ko lang ay doon sa labas ng villa.
I walk back and forth on my spot to think until an idea crossed my mind. I went to the shore and spent my time picking up enough shells for my plan then walking towards the nearby cave behind the coconut trees where I saw my mom and her mom's initials engraved on one of the trees.
This cave was obviously used by them before dahil may two small handmade wooden chair doon at may upos ng abo sa gitna which is obviously like their bonfire place. May mga nakasabit na fake plants sa batong pader habang sa bandang dulo sa loob ay may nakalatag na sapin at may pasabit na tela sa magkabilang dulo kaya nagmukha itong higaan ng prinsesa.
"This is awesome!" Bulaslas ko dahil sa mga nakikita ko ngayon.
Nilinis ko ang loob at namulot ng mga sanga sa labas para ilagay sa gitna kung saan nakapalibot ang dalawang kahoy na upuan. Tinanggal ko ang makapal na telang nasa lapag dahil mukhang matagal na bago ito huling nagamit, baka mamaya ay mangati pa kami kung sakaling magagamit ito, agad na bumugad sa akin ang banig sa ilalim. Magpupuslit na lang ako ng foam na higaang nakalagay doon sa labas ng villa at isasabay ko na rin yung pink roses na nakatanim doon.
Matapos kong ayusin ang loob ng kweba ay lumabas na ako at nagpunta sa labas kung saan mabuhangin. I got all the shells I got lately na inilapag ko sa gilid ng puno ng buko kanina at sinimulan magporma ng mga letra.
I hope this works. I crossed my fingers.
Then may sinulat rin ako sa buhangin bago makarating sa mga puno ng buko.
Matapos ang lahat ay nagtungo ako sa villa at pinagmasdan ang labas kung may bakas ba ng professor ko.
Nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil wala siya kaya binilisan kong ipuslit ang mga kailangan ko para mamaya hanggang sa napagdesisyunan ko nang bumalik muli at pumasok na sa loob with my normal resting face.
Katahimikan ang bumungad sa akin pagpasok ko pero amoy ko ang masarap na pagkain na nagmumula sa lamesa.
She's there, nakayuko ang ulo nito sa ibabaw ng lamesa habang ang pagkain at mga kagamitan sa pagkain ay nakahain nang maayos. May usok pa naman kaya mukhang katatapos lang niya magluto.
Kaya pala tahimik. Is she waiting for me? Lumambot ang puso ko sa naisip. How can I not love this woman if she's like this?!
Dahan dahan akong nagtungo sa tabi niya. Malalim ang bawat paghinga nito kaya mukhang nakatulog na.
I composed myself before waking her up.
I cleared my throat then shook her gently. "Ma'am," with that single word ay umangat agad ang ulo niya upang salubungin ako ng tingin. Her eyes quickly softened when it laid on me. She stood up fast and hugged me tightly na parang matagal na niya akong hindi nakita.
"I'm glad you came back." She whispered softly in my ear. "Akala ko iiwan mo na ko." Her shoulders are now shaking na ikinagulat ko. Umiiyak siya?
Agad ko siyang yinapos ng yakap pabalik upang pakalmahin siya sa pag iyak.
"I'm not a talk shit person anymore, Ma'am. Natuto na ako."
Lalo siyang umiyak. Shit naman!
"Ssshh..." Pagtatahan ko pa.
"Thank you for not *sniffs* leaving me." Kumalas na ito sa pagkakayap sa akin kaya nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong punasan ang mga luha niya sa mata at pisngi. "Thank you," patuloy pa niya.
I just nodded and gave her a small smile.
"L-let's eat? Gutom ka na ba? Wala namang nangyaring masama sayo sa labas?" She said while gently squeezing my face, my shoulders then my arms like she's making sure that I'm real and not hurt and that she's not imagining things.
I mentally chuckled at how cute her actions were.
Pinigilan ko na ang pag aalala niya, "I'm fine and also hungry. Kaya kumain na po tayo. I'm sure you're already tired and hungry too."
Iginaya ko na siya pabalik sa upuan niya at ako na rin ang naglagay ng pagkain sa pinggan niya. Nagpasalamat naman ito agad na ginawaran ko lang ng pagtango at nagpasalamat na rin sa pagluto niya.
Tahimik kaming kumain dahil nangangapa pa ako at the same time ay kinakabahan din sa ginawa kong plano.
Mamaya ko pa kasi siya aayain kapag malapit na magsunset. I want her to feel special just like how the sunset is to me.
Sayang din ang punta namin dito kung hindi namin maeenjoy ang view pero for now I want her to rest for a bit.
Ako na rin ang nagpresinta na maghugas at maglinis dahil sa maliit na sugat niya sa kaliwang daliri niya mula kagabi na naka-band aid na lang, bakas din kasi sa mukha niya ang labis na pagod dahil sa pagdrive at pag iyak at mukhang hindi rin siya nakatulog nang maayos kagabi kaya pinagpahinga ko na siya sa isang kwartong nandito sa villa.
Mukhang sa sala ako matutulog mamaya.
Nakapagbihis na rin kami ng bagong damit at parang nagpalit lang kami ng outfit dahil ako naman ngayon ang nakadress samantalang siya naman ang naka t-shirt at pants.
After a few minutes ay nagtungo ako sa kwarto upang icheck kung nakatulog na ba siya at nagpapahinga at hindi naman ako nagkamali. Payapa siyang nakahiga at may malalim na paghinga. I kissed her forehead before going out of the room.
Nagtungo ako sa cabinet na nasa ibabaw ng sink upang tumingin ng snacks na pwede kong madala sa loob ng kweba. Luckily, I saw a strawberry flavored marshmallow which we can use later sa bonfire, at may piattos, nova at coke in can din kaya binitbit ko na iyon at lumabas muli nang mabilisan dahil baka hanapin niya ako bigla.
A few moments later ay nakabalik na rin akong muli. Hiningal pa ako dahil ang hirap tumakbo kapag masyadong pino ang buhangin. Buti na lang at tulog pa rin siya.
I checked the time at the living room wall clock. It's already 2:30 PM may halos ilang oras pa para magpahinga at magtungo mamaya sa beach.
I settled myself on the couch in the living room. I stared at the happy photographs of them. I sighed. How I wish I could experience your love, Mommy but it's fine, ramdam ko naman na ang pagmamahal niya. She has enough definition of love to me.
My Love. How nice to call her that. I hope I can call her that soon. In front of everyone.
Nakaramdam ako bigla ng pagkabigat sa talukap ng mata ko hanggang sa hindi ko na namalayang nakatulog na ako.
Nagising na lang ako nang may maramdaman akong humahaplos sa buhok ko. Kaya dahan dahan kong idinilat ang mga mata ko at bumungad muli sa akin ang mukha ng babaeng mahal ko.
She looks pleasant now, her face shows calm and happiness while she stares at me with those dark brown eyes of hers.
"How's your sleep?" Her sweet voice says. Umayos ito ng upo sa carpeted floor para pantayan ako.
"Great," I said shortly. "What time is it?" I asked her.
"4 PM—"
"What?! Oh my, napahaba ata yung tulog ko." Napatayo ako bigla dahil sa gulat, napasapo agad ako sa noo dahil sa pagkabigla.
Kunot noo niya akong tinignan at nagtaka, "B-bakit? Why are you so surprised?"
Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya bago magsalita, "Uhm...I was planning to watch the sunset.." pagdadahilan ko. Well, it's part of my plan.
She nodded and seemed convinced at what I said kaya napatayo na rin ito. She offered her hand to me pero tinignan ko lang siya.
She smiled, "We'll watch the sunset then. Do you want to watch it with me?" Nanatiling nakalahad ang palad niya which I gladly took and clasped our hands together.
Inayos ko na rin ang buhok ko at damit ko gamit ang isang kamay kong hindi nakahawak sa kanya.
Pagkalabas namin ay agad akong napangiti nang malaki. Sakto lang pala ang paglabas namin.
"Wow." Usal ko. Sunset never fails to make me feel in awe.
"It's so amazing to see such a thing like this." She said squeezing my hand then looked at me. Bakas sa mata niya na mamangha rin sa nakikita niya.
The sun is about to set above us. The hues of orange, pink, violet and blues of the sky melts my heart. It is so good to witness such masterpieces of earth like this. Bonus na lang dahil may kasama akong masaksihan iyon na isa ring beautiful masterpiece.
Once our feet touch the sand beneath us ay nagsimula na ring kumabog ang dibdib ko sa kaba. Medyo malayo naman dito yung ginawa ko pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilang mag alala. I hope I get an answer from her before the day ends and I know how she's a forgiving person kaya kampanti akong tatanggapin din niya ang apology ko. Hopefully.
"You okay?" She looked at me with worry.
I cleared my throat, "Uhmm...yeah, absolutely." I said awkwardly while scratching my nape slightly and looked away.
Get a grip of yourself, Xyianne. You can do it!
"Let's walk barefoot and enjoy the calmness of the sea, shall we?" Hinila niya ako matapos niyang hubarin ang suot niyang sapin sa paa kaya sumunod na lang rin ako sa kanya matapos kong hubarin ang suot kong tsinelas.
We both gasped as the salt water reached the shore and touched our feet. It's a little cold but it's also soothing. We both laugh at the gentle pull and push of the water against our feet. We watch how it fades when the water runs through it.
We played a little, running back and forth while laughing as we avoid each other to get all wet because of the splashing we're doing.
After a while as we caught our breaths, I initiated to hold her hand this time and looked at her like she's the most beautiful thing I am seeing right now rather than the sunset around us. She smiles at me sweetly and playfully wink at me which brings laughter to the both of us.
Napailing na lang ako sa kalokohan niya.
Ang gaan talaga ng pakiramdam kapag nandyan siya. Kapag nahahawakan ko siya at nakikita. Paulit ulit pero totoo.
I wonder kung ganoon din ang nararamdaman niya ngayon. The tranquility that she's bringing to my heart and my mind is indefinable like the calmness of the sea and the sky as the sun continues to glow for us.
We continue to indulge in the moment. Walking around the shore with our hands tied together. In peace, delight and comfort. Suddenly the anxiousness I'm feeling suddenly fades away because of the awe-inspiring view in my eyes–—her, the sunset and the sea.
"I want to take you somewhere." I courageously said. Letting out a breath after.
She looks at me with excitement. "Sure," agad niyang sabi habang nananatili ang mga mata niya sa akin. She's looking at me deeply kaya para akong naubusan ng hininga.
"O-okay, uhm...Let's go?" Aya ko sa kanya. Bumalik kami sa pinag-iwanan namin ng mga sapin namin sa paa bago magtungo sa lugar kung saan ko isinagawa ang plano ko.
"You already familiarise this place, huh." She proudly said and nudged my shoulder with her. Still we didn't let go of each other's hand which has become our hobby now.
I nodded and smiled at her, "It's a wonderful place kaya hindi ko sasayangin ang panahon ko para hindi malibot ito buong araw."
"We can always go back here anytime if you want...besides this place is meant for us." She softly said which made me stop for a while but I immediately composed myself and continued walking.
"I would love to go back here again with you alone." I said genuinely which made her look at me in surprise.
"What?" Dagdag ko pa habang papalapit na kami sa destinasyon namin. "Come on, we're near."
She just nodded while still contemplating if what she heard from me was right.
Magkahalong kaba at pagkabahala ang nararamdaman ko ngayon pero pinilit kong huwag ipahalata iyon sa kanya.
I really hope for the best but if she turns it down, I'll still accept it. It will hurt but it's fine.
Maya maya pa ay nakarating na kami sa unang purpose ko kung bakit kami nandito.
She looked at me again as she gasped in astonishment. Tinulak niya ako nang bahagya sa balikat at napangiti nang malawak. "You and your romantic ass!" Pinigilan niyang hindi mamula pero she failed kaya napangiti ako.
May nakasulat kasi sa buhangin na malaking Sorry at napapalibutan ito ng pink rose petals. Sa taas nito ay may arrow na nakaturo sa next destination namin, may nakatusok na isang pink rose sa buhangin at may nakasulat na,
I forgive you. Habang sa ibaba naman ay may arrow na nakaturo pabalik sa villa at may nakasulat na Not accepted.
I bit my inner cheek dahil mukhang pinag iisipan pa niya yung isasagot niya sa akin kaya naman kinabahan ako pero naglaho rin agad iyon nang maramdaman ko ang mainit niyang labi sa pisngi ko at nagbigay ng matamis na ngiti.
"You don't need to do this. You're already forgiven the moment you came back at the villa but..." She strolled above the big word sorry and picked up the single pink rose attached on the ground. She beams a lovely smile at me as she bats her eyes and says, "Should I follow the arrow alone or are you coming with me?"
My breath hitch at the sight of her as my heart races unstoppable with the thought of the next place we're going.
My feet stumbled as I tried to walk properly. She chuckled because of it which embarrassed me more but I immediately composed myself and offered my arm to hers even though my insides are trembling. She snaked her hand on my arm while holding the pink rose on the other. Her delightful smile never fades while we walk further.
Huminga ako ng malalim nang ilang ulit dahil dinadaga na ako sa kaba.
Relax my nerves, huwag kang makisabay! Huhu.
Nakarating na kami sa palatandaan ko. Ang punong may nakaukit na puso at dalawang letra sa gitna. She even read it herself and was shocked that she just discovered it just now.
"Were you the one who did this?" She leans closer to it and traces the pattern on the surface of the coconut tree.
Umiling ako. "No, it's been there since I got here earlier. So it means it's been there since then. They are from our moms." My voice is a little sad about the thought of their memories together. Ano kayang pakiramdam nila nang ukitin nila ang mga letra ng pangalan nila rito? Labis siguro ang pagmamahalan nila sa isa't isa kaya hindi ko maiwasang hindi mag overthink kung tama bang ituloy ko pa yung plano ko. Kung mahal din ba niya ako at hindi lang gusto.
Naaalala ko kasi ang sinabi niyang takot siyang magmahal dahil sa nangyari before sa parents namin. Kaya hindi ko alam kung tatanggapin niya ako bilang...
"Hey, are you alright?" She cupped my cheek using her warm hand kaya napabalik ako sa katinuan ko.
I gulped, fighting myself to calm and not freak out. "Ah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry too much." Napapikit na lang ako nang bigla akong napapiyok habang nagsasalita.
She held my hand and squeezed it. "Thank you for bringing me here. I've never been here before dahil kapag dumadalaw ako sa lugar na ito, sa tapat lang lagi ako ng villa nakaupo at pinagmamasdan ang dagat. I don't always have the energy to explore because every time I'm here my heart is aching as I miss them both too." Her eyes show sadness but also relief.
I fidgeted on my feet before nodding and gave her an understanding smile. "It's okay. I'm glad I brought you here."
I squeezed her hand back which she reciprocated with a soft smile.
Hinatak na ulit niya ako pabalik sa villa na agad ko namang pinigilan. Bakas ang pagtataka sa mukha niya kaya napabalikwas siya ng tingin sa akin. Her brows furrowed as she speaks, "Why? Do you have something else to show me?"
I opened my mouth but no words are coming out of it. I mentally curse.
Get your shit together, Xyianne! It's now or never.
Lumapit pa ito ng husto sa akin sabay hawak sa magkabilang balikat ko. "May problema ba?"
"Ano kasi...I want to show you something else other than this." Sabay turo ko sa puno kung saan may nakaukit.
I ran my hand through my hair to help me relax a bit. My heart is about to explode in my chest as the rushing feeling inside my stomach started to get in the way.
"Oh, okay. Where are we heading next?" She smiled cheekily, her face showed anticipation which caused more anxiety to me.
Hinatak ko siya nang dahan dahan papasok sa mga puno ng buko kung saan patungo ang daan sa kweba.
A few steps more ay humigpit lalo ang pagkakakapit ko sa kamay niya which resulted in her wince. "I'm sorry," agad akong nagpaumanhin.
"Are you sure you're alright? Kanina ka pa balisa—" naputol ang pagsasalita niya nang makarating na kami sa huling lugar kung saan ko balak magtapat at alukin siya bilang...girlfriend ko.
Shock was written all over her face. Her mouth opens as she gasps. Her hand immediately travels to cover it because of her unbelievable reaction. She looks back and forth to the shells on the ground and to me. Her eyes glisten at napaatras pa ito nang bahagya dahil sa panghihina niya na agad ko naman inalalayan. Napakapit siya nang mahigpit sa akin at napatitig ng malalim at puno ng emosyon.
On the ground, the shells I've gotten earlier were formed into a question.
Will you be my girlfriend?
"I've been so sure of my feelings for you since the day I kissed you. It's hard to explain, really. This is my first time feeling this way. I thought this was just nothing and I just find you kind because you're always kind to everyone. But it changed when I got to spend my time with you, when you make efforts for me, ang hirap pigilang hindi ka magustuhan at mahalin. After everything you've done and said to me, I realized that I won't find another one like you in this world. I always admire you. Words can't even describe how much you mean to me, Love and I'm willing to take all the risks with you." Huminga ako nang malalim matapos kong sabihin ang nilalaman ng puso at isip ko. Habang siya ay patuloy lang sa pagluha. Pinunasan ko ang mga ito habang tumulo naman ang luha sa mata ko.
I looked at her lovingly as my lips quaver.
"Will you be my woman, Love?"
*******