(This chapter contains a lot of throwbacks in italic font)
Lovely Uzziah
I was laying freely at the clothed floor that I prepared for the both of us. I rested my hands on my stomach while waiting patiently for her to join me here.
This actually wasn't planned, my plan was to avoid interacting with her as best as I could but I failed to do it because I know that my heart doesn't want to ignore her. I always wanted her attention.
I always love how her face wrinkled when I tried to piss her already pissed attitude. I find it cute and makes my heart somewhat happy when I get the chance to do it. I love how her lips form a thin line because her patience was as thin as it is. I admit, she looks sexy when she's mad.
She always brings joy to me without her knowing, ever since I laid my eyes on her--correction...since she wasn't born yet.
I always got the feels of excitement every time I see her beautiful serious face. Am I being obsessed over her? I don't know.
I'm just certain that my heart beats only for her.
I used to follow her before when she was a child, teenager and now a woman when I have my time to do so to check up on her. I'm always worried about what she's doing, who she was with, where she's at. Nasanay akong nakabantay sa kanya from afar for some reason.
My mom told me in her letter to look after her but when the time comes that she's already fine on her own, I should stop what I'm doing and let her be, but after everything my mom did just to make me happy in life, I couldn't stop. She's the first reason why I became like this toward Yunis.
But now that she's always near me, it frightens me for the possibility that I'd lose her too if I continue to follow what I feel just like what my mom experienced before. I've witnessed it and it caused her her life because she's so drowning in love.
I'm scared that in the next, they'll chose to give up on me. Once I loved them hard, they'll give up. Like I'm not enough for them to stay.
After knowing that she likes me, indirectly saying those words the night I kissed her back... I swear, I'm the happiest person alive! It's something worth living for-she made me forget that horrible and disgusting experienced in my life. The one I'm still trying to forget and hide in the past, buried deep in the earth core and evaporated into thin air forever.
But I'm grateful for the people around me who accepted me and doesn't failed to make me feel loved every day. She's one of them, that's why I want her to feel it too without causing any harm on her part. As much as I can, I want her to feel safe when she's with me but I can't assure her that for now because of the complicated circumstances we are in.
I heaved a sigh. "Aren't you going to join me?" My voice is soft to make her feel comfortable.
I waited for her to come where I'm at. A few seconds later, I felt her presence beside me. She hugged herself in her knees as she cleared her throat yet she doesn't talk but I know her too well, she will eventually say something when it's bothering her and I'm not wrong at all. I was just caught off guard with her question.
"Why did you runaway, Ma'am?" She said while looking up the ceiling. Remembering that day, it makes my system feel all the rushing feelings I can ever feel but I am afraid of what would happen after if I let myself get carried away.
"I'm afraid," I honestly said without breaking my gaze with her figure beside me.
"Afraid of what?"
"Of the possibilities if I let my feelings take over me." I said in my lowest tone. I don't want to lie to her as much as possible. I'm always afraid that it might hurt her feelings when she finds out the truth about my past and why I did the things I needed to do.
She then looked at me with so much adoration in her eyes that she always showed me every time we were together. It always resulted in my stomach to flip upside down when she does that. "I don't want to cause you anymore trouble." I said.
My life is not perfect as she sees it. We'll be in great trouble if I pursue her right now knowing that her marriage with my not biological brother was already arranged. After witnessing how her father pushed her to go on a blind date every damn time he can, which was the reason why I hated her father more than being one of the reasons why my mom took her own life, leaving me.
Plus: Me being her professor. As much as I wanted her so bad, she's still my student and I don't want to be selfish and ruin her reputation as one of the intellectual student at the university then be tainted with other make up stories and called her out because we have a thing. I don't want that. All I want is for her to become who she really is, who she was supposed to be-to be free from caving herself and just embrace new opportunities that will come her way and be the best version of herself. So, all I'm gonna do for now is to support her every step of the way. Without interrupting her growth as a person.
Not breaking our gaze, she decided to lay down with me. Her head was laying on her folded arm and I did too so I could fully face her. "You're not causing anything Ma'am, aside from making my heart rate faster than usual." She genuinely said to me that it makes my heart throb with so much joy but then it hit me. I'm not ready to risk her for my own sake, she's still young and she has many things to achieve in life that I can't wait to witness, she has come so far and risking herself to be with me doesn't feel right to me as of now but I know she'll understand me eventually even if it hurts me to say these things to her.
"We're not supposed to be like this in the first place." I shook my head as I lied then looked away to lessen the pain of rejecting and hurting her. I decided to just stare at the ceiling again before heaving a sigh. I'm sorry, my Yunis.
"I believe that we're not doing anything wrong aside from me being your student." She bitterly said. I felt a hard punch in my chest when her voice sounded so hurt.
"Lewis--" I bring that up again although I hated that idea. I just want her to stop for now but she was the one who stopped me from speaking.
"I don't care about him, I already told you I don't like your brother!" She frustratedly laid her back and looked up at the ceiling instead. "I hate it when people keeps on pushing me to him." Her jaw clenched while finishing her words. I admit that I felt her hatred right now.
"Do you hate me now?" I don't want you to hate me.
She forcefully closed her eyes as she tried to relax herself. "N-no."
"I don't want to hurt anyone, Zamora. He's a family. I never ever wanted to hurt everyone around me. That's why we need to bury our feelings and just forget about it. It's still early, you'll find another one who's much more deserving of your heart and that's not me." My voice cracked at my last statement. I gulped, swallowing my own words like a big pill of medicine I don't want to take. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. This is very wrong.
She hurriedly wiped something as she breathed out. Oh, I made her cry? "I thought you like me?"
I didn't just like you.... I've been loving you for so long.
I stayed silent, the only sound that can be heard is the music of nature in the deepest night.
"Was I too hard to love, Ma'am? Was I not deserving of it? To freely love someone without any hindrances? To experience something different aside from anger and sadness?" She chuckled wryly. If I was brave enough to claim her as mine I will do it. If I could just choose what makes me happy and ignore everyone around me, I will not hesitate to choose her over everything. I want to give her the world but not right now. We need to fix our own issues first.
I overthink so much that I didn't get to respond with her questions, I just breathe heavily.
She stood up from lying on the clothed floor. "Nevermind, Ma'am. I'm still thankful though...that I got to experience it with you even in a short period of time. Please go home safely."
Even in her last words, she still cares for me. My heart aches because of it. Tears streaming down my face rapidly, I tried to sniffle silently but I failed miserably. My heart hurts knowing that I hurt her. I never meant to do it. I just want what's best for us for now.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, too late. She's now gone and here I am, holding back my feelings for her again. For the mean time... I'm hopelessly hoping she never gives up on me but jokes on me, right? Even the person I treasured before gave up on me. Siya pa kaya na kakikilala lang sa akin?
"Couz," It's Van. She's standing beside me. Paano niya nalaman na nandito ako? "Stand up now, stop being a broken hearted girl there. This is what you wanted, right?"
I mentally rolled my eyes at her. Para talaga siyang kosensya ko everytime I tried to hold back myself from expressing what I really feel toward Yunis.
"Let's get you home." She said as she helped me stand up and drove me safely to my house.
Her and her sister Natalie, we're very closed with each other. Tinuring nila akong tunay na kadugo. Her mom-Tita Tali was my adoptive mom's sister. Kinupkop nila ako after kong umalis sa poder ng ex-husband ni Mom which is si Tito Louis. I never called him dad because he never felt one. He's not fond of me ever since, well, the feeling is mutual.
My adoptive Mom, Tilly Uzzaleah, and her husband Tito Louis didn't have a child. The main reason was she can't bore one, that was the root cause why they always fight and ever since they got into an arranged marriage, they didn't do the thing as a married couple because my mom wasn't in love with him at all. She's in love with someone else... it's a woman, she tried to come out to her parents long before college days but because her dad was against it and he's too traditional plus hates the idea of her loving a woman, they decided to forced her to marry tito Louis, the son of his business partner who owed them a lot. They've been married while still studying in college. Her current lover that time--Yuri was devastated when she heard the news. It was an abrupt and unjust decision of my Mom's father. A very unfair one.
They broke up, leaving each other for a while but it doesn't last long because she loves her so much that it hurts. So, she approached her again, they were studying the same course in the same school back then, even tito Louis. But when she heard the news that Yuri has a boyfriend after a few days of them breaking up. She got depressed. She blamed herself but she hated his father and tito Louis much more.
Tito Louis tried getting on her pants but he always failed, that caused them to harm each other until they both decided to ruin their marriage secretly and date others they like in return of my mom helping tito Louis's family in paying their debts to Adler family while my Mom continued to pursue her lover.
My mom dedicated herself only to Yuri. And then one moment came, Yuri confessed the truth to her, that she still loves her and no one else has her heart except her. She immediately broke up with her boyfriend. But it was a great sin to be involved with a married woman like her. So they tried their best to be civil with each other. They tried their best to act normal, like pretending to be best friends in front of everyone especially her dad and Yuri's parents who are also against the same gender relationship. Typical oldies.
There came a time that they are always together when they're visiting and volunteering in the foundations that my mom's parents owned. The CCF and VWF. They took that opportunity to become closer and spend much time with each other. My mom tried to hide her feelings toward the girl she's head over heels with but always failed when she's always near her. That's when they met Tita Emelia, their friend at the foundation who noticed something going on between them. They trusted her with their secrets. She's such a keeper.
As soon as the days gone by of pretending to hide their feelings for each other. A hurtful news came to picture again, Yuri and her ex-boyfriend got engaged. It's Yunis's father, Xian. Their marriage was also arranged just like my mom's and tito Louis. I don't know how they become engaged but then soon after that they got married before their graduation.
As devastating as it is. They both suffered by the consequences of the world's standard of love. That woman should marry a man and loving your same gender is a sin and never will be accepted in the eyes of God. They felt suffocated by other people's judgements and that there's no room for the both of them to be together. Not until death.
*****
Me, on the other hand, before I was adopted by Mommy Tilly.
My biological mom became an alcoholic. She works at a bar as a hostess so I was made in a one night stand session and she doesn't know my father because she was too drunk to remember it.
She hated me the first day I was born. She regret that she chose to keep me. She always leaves me alone in the house and when she comes back she'll say hurtful words to me, she will hurt me physically when she's drunk.
I still love her despite all of that. She's kind, I can see and feel it in her. She's just too caught up with life circumstances after I was born. Nawalan siya ng trabaho because of me. She says she became ugly and her confidence became low because of the stretch marks she had. She got depressed and leaned on alcohol until she became an addict. She undergoes rehab and I need to let myself live alone for a while at a very young age.
Then the time came, I thought she'd come back to me after her rehab but she never comes back at all and left me entirely.
She gave up on me.
That's when I came to CCF at an early age of 5 but I was mature enough to understand life at a very young age.
There I met a lot of children like me and in my luck, I met my beautiful adoptive mom and became close to her then eventually discovered that she has something going on with another beautiful woman named Yuri.
At first, I don't have a clue of their true feelings for each other. It wasn't weird seeing them together. Honestly, they're cute and lovely. I can see the genuine happiness in them when they stare at each other not until I saw them kiss in front of me. Therefore, I concluded that they're more than friends. I'm not traumatized with what I saw. Truthfully, I pushed them more together so they can kiss again which resulted them to laugh with the situation.
I have no idea of their situation then, of how complicated it was until they decided to adopt me. Excitement took over me and my mom Tilly not until it's about to signed the papers.
I saw them argue for the first time. I saw them cry together but Tita Emelia grabbed me away from the scene to give them space.
*****
Someone's POV
"I'm sorry... I didn't know I was pregnant." Yuri cried more after saying it. Her hands shakes as she tried to reach out to Tilly.
"I--I thought you don't love him? A-akala ko walang nangyayari sa inyo? Sabi mo...walang nangyayari! Para saan pa yung divorce papers at bakit hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin pirmado? Para saan pa lahat ng ito, Yuri? Para saan pa?!" Tilly frustratedly walked back and forth as her palms brushed off her face. Her tears fall down rapidly but she doesn't mind wiping it out.
They are at the hidden spot of the foundation's flower garden. Where they considered it as their place whenever they're visited.
"He forced me... He said he will sign the divorce papers once I gave what he wanted, he said he will let me live and love you freely. I was desperate but I didn't give in. I didn't listen to him but it's too late. I passed out because of the drink he gave me and then I woke up in his bed. Tinanong ko siya agad! Dahil nandidiri ako sa naiisip ko. Pero he said there was nothing that happened between us. Kaya hindi ko na sinabi sayo not until then na napapansin kong parang nag iiba na yung pakiramdam ko the past month. Natakot ako kaya nagpacheck up ako last week...and I found out that I was...2 months pregnant now."
Tilly scoffed unbelievably, she ran her hand through her brown long hair. She licks her lip, biting it and shuts her eyes trying to process everything she has heard.
It breaks her heart, knowing that the woman she dedicated her all was now pregnant with her husband-Xian Zamora. There's nothing wrong in the eyes of other people because they're married. It's her husband in the first place, but what triggers her is that she was forced to do it! How fucked up is that? Would anyone believe them if they complain?
At Yuri's age, she still got pregnant.
"Love, please... I didn't mean all of this to happen. I swear. I can just abort this... I'm willing to do it for you." Yuri's voice cracked as she said those words. Her eyes followed where the woman she loves went back and forth in front of her. Tilly was silent while biting her knuckle. Her other hand on her waist. She's thinking. Both of their hearts are aching because of the situation.
A few moments later, Tilly decided to speak before heaving a deep breath.
"N-no, don't do that...We've come so far already. Let that thing live. I will still adopt Lovely with me. After your divorce, we can live together. I will accept your child as my own."
Without any words, Yuri runs to her lover. She hugged her tightly, never wanting to let go. She's still crying because of how Tilly understands her situation, of how truly her love showed, how she accepted her despite this unexpected thing in her stomach. "I love you.." She whispers near her ear.
Tilly's hands were at her back rubbing her gently, feeling the softness and warmth of the woman she ever loved deeply. "I love you...so much." it hurts. She said those two words mentally.
She still feels hurt but she just sets aside whatever it is for this woman clinging into her. It's not her fault, it's her husband's for forcing her. She clenched her fist because of it. Humiwalay siya sa pagkakayakap kay Yuri and hinawakan niya ito sa magkabilang braso matapos niyang punasan ang mga luha nito. She looked at her eyes intently. "Do you want me to file a case against him?" She seriously asked but the latter just shook her head.
"No, it will just get worse. I'll take care of him, okay?" Yuri cupped her cheek and gave her a kiss on her forehead.
"You still trust me, right?" She added after.
Tilly nodded. She does trust her. She fully does. It's just his jerk husband whom she didn't trust at all. How dare him do that to her without asking for consent? Even if he does, she knows Yuri will not give it to him. She's only for her and hers alone.
Against all odds.
***
"What is the meaning of this, Tilly? Who's that child?!" The voice of a man echoed in my ears. I am now with Ma'am Tilly. Her house was huge but it felt empty.
"I adopted her, Louis. So we can have a child as you always wanted." Her voice tired just speaking to this man.
I watched how his forehead creased. His demeanour is scary for a child like me. Kumapit ako nang mahigpit sa laylayan ng damit ni Ma'am Tilly dahil sa takot.
"Don't need to do that, Tilly. I got someone pregnant. At least, it's my own blood." His voice determined. The smug look on his face was evident.
I felt my adoptive mom's body froze a little but then composed herself back immediately. "And so? I don't care if it's your blood. Just don't interfere with my decisions. She will stay here for good and that's fucking final. Now, if you'll excuse us. You're scaring the child." Hinawakan niya ako sa kamay, binangga nito ang balikat ng matangkad na lalaki bago kami mag umpisang umakyat sa hagdan patungo sa malaking hallway papunta sa isang silid. Lumingon ako sa lalaki at nakita ko kung paano niya ako tignan ng masama kaya napahigpit ang pagpisil ko sa kamay ni Ma'am at hindi na muling lumingon pa.
"Here's your room, Lovely. Tomorrow I will enroll you to pre-school okay? Then we'll go shopping!" Tinulungan niya akong makahiga ng maayos sa kama. Nakapagbihis na rin ako ng pantulog sa tulong ng mga katulong dito sa loob ng malaking bahay.
I smiled at her, showing my cheeky smile because I'm happy I got the chance to be adopted by the most kind woman I know. "Thank you, Ma'am."
"Oh stop, my dear! Call me Mommy Tilly from now on, okay? I also processed your name. I named you Lovely Uzziah A. Lopez. So, don't hesitate to call me Mommy, this is your new life now. Good night, Love." She kissed my forehead before tucking the comforter above my chest then she brushed my hair as she watched me close my eyes to sleep.
***
"Where are we going now, Mommy?"
"To your momma Yuri. Will visit her and her baby." My mom's eyes twinkled as she said her name. They both told me to call them both as my mom but in the adoption papers, it's only Mommy Tilly that was registered as my adoptive parent. They explained it to me but it's too complicated for a six year old child like me to understand.
"Yehey! I can't wait to talk to her baby again!" I jump with joy, every time I am with them my heart is always happy especially when the baby inside momma Yuri is kicking when I'm talking to her.
It's been almost 6 months since I was adopted. So far so good as long as I'm with my mom. I also learned a lot in school, she enrolled me in a private school that's why I can now speak English. Nakakaintindi lang kasi ako dati pero hindi ako magaling magsalita.
We arrived at our destination, the same place every time we got together as a pretend to be family. It's a villa house near the private beach that they both owned.
We go here every weekend. I watched these two women shower their love for each other. They always smiled and teased each other like there's no tomorrow while I'm busy rubbing momma Yuri's big womb and listening to the baby girl inside.
"Hi, I can't wait to see you." I whispered against the skin of momma Yuri's womb before I gave it a kiss.
"Oh!" Momma Yuri reacted when the baby kicked as she answered me. We all both laugh because of it. "She's really fond of you, huh."
I giggled and showed them my cheeky smile. "You're so cute. I want to take a picture of you both. Wait for me here, Love. I'm just going to get the camera." Mommy Tilly kissed her forehead before leaving us on the couch.
"Ma, What will be her name?" As a curious child, I asked her.
She leaned more at the back rest of the sofa and placed her hand below her chin to think. "Hmmm, I still don't know, Love. Have you come up with something?" Her brows wiggle as she smiled at me playfully.
I felt the excitement of giving the baby a name so I stood up from sitting on the carpeted floor so I could think properly. I placed both of my hands on my waist as I fidgeted on my feet. "Uhmmm..." I looked at Momma Yuri, how her eyes shine and how beautiful she is. She is glowing day by day. So I came up with a name close to hers. "Yu...uhmm..."
Momma Yuri chuckled, "Go baby, you can do it."
"Hey, what's happening here now, my Ladies?" Mommy Tilly is finally back with the camera strap on her neck.
"She's thinking about the name of my baby, Love." She hugged mommy Tilly as she sat beside her.
"Oh really? Make sure it's pretty, as pretty as your Momma Yuri!" Mommy Tilly squinted her eyes. That's why I suddenly felt pressured.
The other woman just laughed it out because of my reaction.
"Uhm, Yu.. Yunis?" I said, unsure but it's the most closed name I can think of right now.
They both gasped and looked at each other.
"That's pretty nice! I'll take it."
"Yeah, Yunis as in Y-U-N-I-S. Right?" Mommy Tilly made sure of the spelling and I nodded happily.
"Great! Now can we give her a second name then?" Mommy Tilly added but I just make a face at her.
"What? It's cool to have a second name! Are you not happy with it?" She raised an eyebrow at me.
I chuckled. "Ang hirap po kaya magsulat sa paper.. ang haba po ng name ko." I pouted.
They both chuckled, "Fine. Let's just stick to that name then, baby Yunis." Mommy Tilly kissed her womb and they reacted again when the baby kicked.
We all both laughed at the interaction we always get when we talked to the baby inside the womb.
We took a picture together. Mommy Tilly also took a picture of me and Momma Yuri then me and her baby bump.
Then we spent our entire day walking on the powdered white sand of the beach having a picnic, wetting ourselves with the salt water just in front and watching the sky above us until the sunset fades.
***
"Mommy!" I called my mom. She was staring at the empty wall.
We are currently here at the hospital and tito Louis drove me here because I heard that Momma Yuri has given birth to baby Yunis.
"Mommy!" I called her again but she seemed not to hear me until I reached her. She's sitting at the hospital bench near the emergency room.
"Mommy, are you okay?" I hugged her and that's when I felt that she's now back to her senses.
I was shocked when she suddenly burst out of crying. I looked at her worriedly. "Mommy..."
"I heard what happened, where's Xian?" Tito Louis suddenly spoke in her deep voice. Walang bakas ng pagkabahala sa boses niya kahit na nakikita na niyang umiiyak si Mommy kaya tumingin ako sa kanya.
"She's crying, Tito. Please calm her!"
"We can't do anything about it, little child. She will eventually accept the fact that her delusions of building a family with her will never happen-"
"Fuck you!" She slapped him hard. Her anger is visible as her face turns red. "Fuck you! Fuck you, Louis! You're so evil! Both of you!" A man with a fine body and a clean cut beard appeared next to Tito Louis with his serious poker face, he looked scary at a first impression.
Umatras ako sa likuran ni Mommy Tilly para magtago dahil natatakot ako sa mga tinginan nilang tatlo.
"This is also hard for me, Tilly. Don't blame me for what happened to her." The bearded man said. "Tadhana na ang gumawa ng paraan. Diyos na ang nagpahiwatig na tigilan mo na ang kahibangan niyo."
She scoffed as she clenched her fists ready to slap either of the two in front of her. "Bullshit! Ang bibitter niyo! Palibhasa hindi niyo alam ang salitang pagmamahal! Mga hayop kayo!" Tinulak tulak niya ang dalawang lalaki habang patuloy ang pag iyak niya.
I cried because of the scene. Mommy Tilly is hurting right now. I don't know what exactly is happening but I have the feeling that someone died. With the thought, I cried louder.
"Hey, Love. It's okay, Sshhh." Mommy Tilly leaned down to hug me and kissed me above my head. "I'm sorry you have to witness that." She whispered against my head.
"Just go, Tilly. I'll take care of my daughter. Don't ever try to go near us again. I don't want my child to be like you." The bearded man firm voice echoed in the hallway. I saw hatred in his eyes. How he despises my mom in front of me. How dare him talk to her like that? She doesn't want her child to be like my mom? Like what?
Sinamaan ko ng tingin ang lalaki sa kabila ng tangkad nito. I looked up to chase his eyes. "You're so mean!"
He just looked at me deadpan, then looked at my mom again with cold eyes.
"Make sure to take care of her, Xian. I will not hesitate to go under your skin if you hurt Yuri's child."
"She's my child, Tilly. I'll do whatever I want because she's my blood." He walked away after saying it to my mom.
Tito Louis remained silent the whole time but his smirk didn't leave his face.
"I--I wanted to see her...one last...time. Please?" Mommy tries to stand up but her knees are weak as her tears begin to fall down her eyes again. "Please? I need to see Yuri!" She begged this time. "I need to see her.." She covered her face with her hands, mumbling how she can't believe that the woman she loves the most is now gone.
The bearded man named Xian, stopped on his tracks and looked over his shoulder. "Not a chance, Tilly. Enough is enough. Just accept the truth." And then he disappeared.
"Ewan ko ba kasi sayo bakit mo pinagpipilitan ang sarili mo sa may anak na. Baka naman naiinggit ka lang, kasi kaya pa rin niya magkaanak kahit sa ganyang edad ni Yuri na hinding hindi mo mararanasan." Tito Louis said with a straight face.
"Shut the fuck up, Louis! You're always talking nonsense!" Mommy glared at him. "I swear to god, I'm going to kill you."
"Mommy," Natakot ako sa sinabi niya kaya naman bumalik ulit ang atensyon niya sa akin.
"I'm sorry, it's not true. I'm just....I'm sorry." Her eyes are full of sadness and pain while she rubs my cheeks with her hands.
"Tsk. Let's go, ang drama niyo." Nauna nang umalis si Tito Louis at iniwan lang kaming magkayakap ni Mommy dito sa bench habang patuloy lang ito sa pag iyak.
"I'm going to be with you soon, Love." She mumbles something I didn't understand before we decided to leave the hospital.
*******
To be continued ~