- You what?
I try not to cringe at Steve's scream in front of The Ivy restaurant, the same one we went to with his family when we pretended to be engaged.
Oh so many memories...
But Steve doesn't seem to be caught up in the memories of the beginning of our romance, but rather thinking about what trouble he got himself into, letting the fake relationship evolve into a real marriage where his wife found him a date with another guy.
— Well, first of all, very calm and please don't yell at me. I still have the card from that support group for women tormented by violent, alcoholic and toxic husbands! If you're abusive to me, I'll tell them to come after you and cut off your penis.
Steve shows no sign of being afraid of my emasculating threats.
— Tell me why I shouldn't set up a support group for men tormented by insane women, Natasha?
— Oh, that's an exaggeration, I'm not crazy.
— We have a different view on this... For God's sake, you just told me that you got a date with another guy!
— Calm down, it's not what you're thinking!
- Oh no? We were supposed to have a normal lunch during the work day and I was just told that I'm actually going to go into this restaurant alone and meet a guy named David.
I give a big excited smile.
— Yes, David Cabot! 32 years old, tall, with a toned body, but not too much. He is a successful lawyer, a fan of Frank Sinatra, although he confessed that he loves the Spice Girls, but who doesn't? And he looks the best, his favorite is Posh Spice!
— Oh sure, now I'm super excited to meet you — Steve starts using irony. Okay, he's about to lose his temper.
— I thought you'd like it, after all, weren't you the one who imitated Posh Spice in Amsterdam?
— I was high. Just the way it should have been when I married you!
— Hey, calm down. I didn't tell you everything about David. Didn't I even say he collects vinyl?
Steve's eyes suddenly light up and I stop myself from laughing.
Oh Steve, I know you so well.
— Yes, isn't it cool? At least you have something to talk about.
— And tell me why I would like to talk to this guy David?
— Because it's a date! And the best meetings are those where the conversation is fruitful, we find several things in common and the conversation flows naturally. Oh Steve, you see you haven't had many dates, trust me, I know what I'm doing.
— Natasha, seriously. What the hell is happening? I thought I had stopped that crazy idea of seeing myself having sex with a guy!
— Ah, but I gave up.
- What does that mean?
— Honey, if you would stop for a minute and listen to me, I would tell you everything. This guy is not for you. It's for daddy.
- Your father?
— Yes, did you forget that now he likes men too? I told you, I want to find my father a boyfriend.
— Ok, I remember, and I told you I was a little clueless...
- It is not! I went on a dating app and looked for a guy for Daddy.
- You?
— Yes, I did a screening so to speak. You know, I couldn't let my father meet an eye-eating serial killer.
— My goodness, Natasha, can you hear yourself?
— I'm a good daughter, that's for sure.
— And if it's a boyfriend for your father, why the hell am I here?
— Because I had the perfect idea to add you to the app!
Steve's eyes widen, somewhere between horrified and furious.
- You what?
- Do not get nervous!
- Do not stay? Do you have any idea what you did?
— Hey, calm down! It's not like David is waiting for you inside with a wedding ring and is going to take you to have sex to Cher! You're just going to go in there and talk to him. An innocent encounter.
— Why do I have to have dates instead of your father? This is ridiculous!
— Because I told you, Dad is new to these matters, I wanted to spare him and that's why I put you in your place.
— No, definitely not...
— Oh, please, Steve!
— Natasha, do you know what you’re asking me?
— That he is a good husband? A supportive husband?
— A husband who is going on a date with a guy, pretending to be gay?
— It's just once! You're going to go in there, meet him, let's see if he really is who he says he is. Because he could be a psychopath, or a terrorist. A kidney eater with sugo sauce or even a Trump fan, God forbid!
— So why don't you go and talk to him yourself, if you have this brilliant idea?
— Because he's waiting for you. He wants you.
— Right, and at what time will this poor guy discover that he was deceived? Do you think he will be happy, Natasha?
— If David is who I think he is, a nice guy, he will understand!
—And you still want to go out with your father?
- Why not? Dad is a great guy. Okay, do we need to sign him up for a gym and maybe a new haircut? But it will work, I can feel it!
— No, Natasha, this is far from working.
—Stop being pessimistic! Please, Steve, I never ask you for anything...
Steve rolls his eyes.
— Okay, almost nothing. But please. For me. It's just a little houryour precious time! And I swear I'll never get you in any trouble again.
— As if I believed...
— And you don't want to help dad? Don't you want him to be happy? Don't you want me to be happy? Do you know what will happen if you don't help me? Do you want to see me sad Steve, do you want me to become a sad, bulimic wife like Lady Di? Looking for lovers in men's faces makes no sense, because she was so disappointed in her own husband who doesn't support her and...
— Okay, enough raving.
He finally gives in and I celebrate.
— But damn, Natasha, how can I talk to this guy? I do not know what to say!
— Calm down, I thought of everything.
And I take out of my bag the microphone and listening device that I bought for this purpose.
- What the fuck?
— A microphone — I adjust it under my jacket and place the headphones in my ear and Steve's ear.
— I will listen to what you say and I will tell you what you need to say. I'll be the brains of the operation! Oh, this is so James Bond! I would be a great agent.
- God help me.
And Steve enters the restaurant.
I bite my lip, nervous and excited, as I follow him in and head to a nearby table. From there, I have a good view of the table Steve is walking toward and where a clean-cut, elegant man is standing up and smiling.
— Holy shit, David is really hot! — I whisper and I know Steve is listening to me, because he gives me an angry look.
I blink, excited that everything is starting off great! I like knowing that he's not one of those people who put fake photos on their profiles.
— Hello, it must be Steve — David says when Steve gets close enough, unfortunately still too serious and frozen for my taste.
— Steve, damn it, smiles like a human being! Remember, you're hot for this guy.
- Fuck! — Steve exclaims and I hold my breath when David frowns in confusion.
- What? Something wrong? Oh my goodness, am I not what you expected?
— Steve, stop ruining everything! — I mutter angrily.
— No, sorry, I remembered that I forgot to leave an order for my secretary...
— That's it Steve, improvisation, very good, David is smiling, I think he fell!
— I'm sorry, yes, I'm Steve. And you are David...
The two greet each other with a masculine handshake as they sit at the table and I'm a little disappointed. But what did you expect? For them to hug? I certainly wouldn't come from Steve, but David is gay. Anyway, gay but still British. Some Brits only show affection for their dogs. Maybe it's one of those guys. I think dad will like it. Alexei isn't much for public displays of affection.
“I'm glad I finally got to meet you,” David is saying.
- Me too. — Steve's voice is full of sarcasm.
“Stop it, Steve,” I beg. — Be nice!
The two are checking the menu and the waiter approaches.
— I just want water with lemon — David says.
— A negroni.
— Steve, are you going to drink during work hours? — I complain. — If you get drunk, I'll kill you.
— I thought you were working — David comments amused.
— A man needs a dose of alcohol to deal with certain situations.
— Damn, Steve, fix that now, look at poor David's face! You think you hated him!
I hear Steve take a deep breath.
— It's not been an easy day. At work, I say.
— Oh, we can talk about it if you want. I got the impression that he really was a workaholic.
— I mentioned to him that you're an important CEO and that you're a workaholic, but I also said that you were looking to change, that you like photographing nudes, you know, to match dad's profile more. David was super excited! Talk about it.
— Yes, I work a lot, but I'm photographing... nudes.
— Of course, I remember.
The waiter approaches with the drinks and I hear Steve taking a long drink.
— He even sent me a nude of himself...
Steve spits out his drink.
— Damn, I'm sorry.
He looks at me furiously.
Hmm, maybe I went overboard sending David a picture of my husband's dick, but I wanted David to be interested in meeting Steve, dammit. Of course, I don't even want to think that Dad's name is different from Steve's, but in a way, deep down, they all have the same function, don't they? And what matters is the chemistry between the couple and not what their sexual organ looks like. Although I must say that Steve's is a sight to behold.
— Sorry, I embarrassed you, it's red — David smiles. Yes, Steve is red as peppers. — If you remember correctly, I sent you a nude too.
This time Steve's gaze is almost deadly, he's probably imagining me admiring David's dick.
— Yes, I admired it — I confess — But it was for specific, scientific purposes, even.
Steve takes a deep breath, looking away.
— Now start a civil conversation with David, tell him you want to get to know him better. Ask him if he has ever killed someone and dumped the body in the woods.
— Damn, Natasha! – Steve exclaims.
- What? Natasha? — David frowns in confusion.
— Fixto it now! You're turning out to be a terrible agent, Steve! If David were a Russian he would already be dead!
— I'm sorry, Natasha is mine... — I hold my breath, waiting for Steve to open his mouth and tell me everything.
- My secretary. - he lies. – I remembered that I forgot to give you a specific order... — I see him taking out his cell phone. – If you'll excuse me...
He gets up, giving me an angry look and I get up too, finding him in the hallway.
- Enough! — he begins. — No, it's going well...
- Going well? I just found out you sent this guy a picture of my dick!
— I thought he would be more worried because I admired his dick...
— Damn, Natasha!
— Steve, don't ruin everything! Get back there now and find out what you can about David! For daddy, please! — Before I continue, my cell phone rings and I see that it's a message from Penélope's chosen one. — Oh shit, I forgot that I had a meeting at Pen's school today!
— Great, one more reason to put an end to this nonsense.
— No, you can't!
— Okay, let's do it like this. I'm going to go back there and talk to this guy David, but enough of that here. — he takes off the microphone and listens to her.
— Hey, that was expensive!
- Your problem.
— And how am I going to help you and listen to everything?
- Will not.
— I thought you didn't know what to talk about...
— It's better for me to improvise myself than to have you in my ear asking absurd questions.
— Steve, don't ruin everything...
— I thought you were late for your appointment at our daughter's school.
I snort, okay. I'll have to trust Steve.
- All good. But as soon as I get back to the office I want a full report, huh?
- Yes ma'am.