If there was ever one word capable of invoking the absolute fear of god into me it would be penalties.
I just didn't bode well under pressure. All of those eyes watching me in the stands, floodlights putting me under a spotlight, everyone relying on my score to win the game, it made me nervous.
So nervous I would overthink the whole shot and completely fuck it up.
The faces up there all merged into one big blur of colour. Only one stood out. A single person in the crowd caught my attention above all the rest, every time.
She came to every game, sat in the same seat each week, hands wrapped around a coffee cup as usual, eyes flaming with competition, betting so fiercely on us to win.
God, I'm such an idiot.
For three weeks I lay awake trying to think of ways I could bump into her. I practiced asking her to hang out and could never get the vocabulary right without making it sound like I wanted to ask her on a date.
Maybe that's exactly why I couldn't get the wording right, because I did want to ask her out on a date.
Like a lovestruck loser, I changed my routes around campus to ones I knew she specifically walked.
I tried to get changed super fast after my games because that was always the one place I could count on her being, so us bumping into each other then would've seemed natural.
I thought about asking Olive for her number but then I changed my mind because that's childish not to mention creepy.
Then my chance finally came around and I couldn't believe it.
She walked into that library and my heart did summer-salts. I thought I was imagining it. All of that practicing and preparation but in the moment I just forgot how to act, what to say, what to do.
I sat there, robotic in my chair typing out the alphabet over and over again to make it seem like I was working hard.
She ignored me, she wasn't interested.
Either that or, neither one of us knew how to address the other. It was awkward and I got nervous which naturally, made me cocky.
Here I was trying to play it cool, fixated on my ABC's and what happens?
I end up breaking her laptop.
I felt so incredibly guilty that I rushed straight to trying to fix the problem instead of acknowledging what I did wrong and apologising for it.
I just knew she'd never accept a new one and I knew she couldn't afford a new one, not when she's hanging onto her college place by a thread. I didn't want her to fall behind on her assignments because if money fails her then her smarts will keep her afloat but I basically just cost her her future.
I fucked it.
I completely fucked my chance.
In the distance of my mind I heard the brassy whistle screech out its 'go' sound but I didn't fully register it.
Tia and I were just staring at one another intensely and everything else in the world didn't exist.
"Jord?" The referee gave me a nudge and snapped me out of my trance.
I took strides forward, lining the ball up with the net in my vision. With a bated breath I booted the ball with the tip of my cleat, connecting a little sloppily and then closed my eyes until chaotic screams filled my ears from the stands.
The only giveaway that I had scored the winning goal was the guys immediately circling around me, roaring our school chant with enthusiasm and excitement.
I relished in our win for about three minutes before we needed to clear out the field to make way for the girls volleyball tournament.
That's the thing about low budget schools, everything is shared and time is precious.
"Don't think I didn't notice the hesitation on that penalty shot Peers."
He can eat my ass, he's been pissed at me since the Stanford game, I knew what was coming.
"Sorry coach, I zoned out. Got a lot on my mind."
He was a short, overweight, grumpy man, not as good as my high school coach but I respected him all the same, when he didn't piss me off.
"You're off your game boy, when we play UCLA next week are you going to be celebrating their win like you did Stanfords?"
I paused to think, UCLA, doesn't Ben go there?
"Are you actually thinking about it?"
"No coach, I support my team."
He slapped my back, "good to hear it, you made a right fool of us in front of everyone. Pull shit like that again and I'll drop you for the season."
I tightened my lips into a thin line warning myself not to backchat because he'll put me on ball washing duty. But FYI dickface, Ben is part of my team and if he wins I will be celebrating.
"I'm putting you back on 1-to-1 training with Julia to work on your penalties. Effective immediately." I wiped the sweat and dirt off of my forehead with my blue jersey and then realised what he said, "wait, Julia?"
"Yes boy, is that a problem?"
I held my hands up in defence.
"No, no problem." I sure as shit wasn't about to come clean and tell the coach I intended to fool around with his daughter and then proceeded to blow her off twice for Tia.
"Good, she's waiting for you over there."
My eyes stretched the pitch to where a hard-faced Julia was standing, throwing a ball up and catching it, repeatedly.
She had a wicked look brewing on her face and honestly, I can't say I blamed her.
I twisted my cleats in the turf, jogging towards her and she launched the ball at my legs, making me trip. I fell back on my ass and smirked up at her.
"Hey beautiful." I greeted in a mocking kind of tone.
"Don't you 'hey beautiful' me. Get off your ass and learn to play soccer." She tightened the bobble on her ponytail, letting the blonde strands swing from side to side.
I laughed at her, scrambling to my feet.
"Fiesty, you're really going to make me work for this aren't you?" She tackled me, slipping the ball out from beneath me.
She had a smile on her face so I knew she wasn't seriously mad, I could tease her and know it wouldn't settle too deeply under skin but then again I'm not surprised about that, it's who Julia is.
She's grew up around the guys her dad has coached all of her life, she's well equipped to deal with the insults and offensive humour men tend to carry.
We bounced off of one another, laughing and joking while we passed the ball back and forth in a friendly competitive way.
Movement in my peripheral vision made me look up at the sidelines and come eye to eye with Tia who was unfortunately watching my whole encounter with Julia.
I stopped kicking the ball and the playful smile drained away from my face instantly. I just stood there like a fool not knowing what to do with myself.
I could see the hurt and betrayal written all over her face and I felt like I had been caught cheating on her, which was absolutely ridiculous because right now we weren't even friends.
"What's the matter? You give up so soon Jordy, you little pussy!" Julia kicked the soccer ball at my crotch and I dropped to the floor with a pained umph. "Goal!" She yelled, flying the celebratory aeroplane.
With my cheek pressed up against the rough grass and my hands cradling my ballsack through my shorts, I lay there watching Tia walk away.