"Did vu sleep out here, Schatz?" König squats down to help me up from the ground.
Groggily, I grab König's hand as he lifts me to my feet. Now that I'm standing, I only nod in response.
"The Lieutenant isn't happy," Gaz sighs, crossing his arms stiffly across his chest. "What happened?"
What happened?
He says that if I'm just automatically the one to blame. And maybe I am. Ghost wasn't wrong about the things he said. I did defy my commanding officer. I did take risky actions. I did grant Soap that last wish, though I'm not sure how Simon feels about that.
"Are you saying Price didn't fill you in on everything that happened?" I ask incredulously.
Gaz immediately frowns, saying sternly, "He did. Now I want to hear it from you."
Who is Gaz to make such demands? We're the same fucking rank.
The only thing he hears from me is a scoff as I begin walking away.
"Not so fast," Gaz grips my arms in haste.
"You have a lot of goddamn nerve-"
Gaz cuts me off.
"Relax," he sighs and loosens his grip. "I just want to talk."
Yeah, right.
"There are better ways to go about that." I give Gaz a sour look, crossing my arms. "Listen, what goes on between Ghost and I is none of your concern..." I look at König. "Or anyone's concern for that matter. Obviously, he's upset because I was insubordinate and it could have cost me my life. Happy?" I huff sarcastically.
Gaz just raises his brows and shakes his head.
"Aren't you supposed to be leaving today anyway?" I bark at Gaz, hoping to dismiss him.
"Oh, you mean to take my friend's dead body home? Yeah, I am," he hisses and heads back to Mateen's house.
Dammit.
"Zere is food. Vu need to eat," König tells me, his concern evident as he watches me with my head hung low.
"Right." I give him a fake smile.
König and I enter the home shortly after Gaz does.
I would say it's technically warmer inside Mateen's home than outside but as soon as we walk through the door a cold chill runs down my back.
Ghost, Price, Mateen, and Laswell are all sitting at the kitchen table. Gaz is sitting on the couch, sulking.
I'm greeted with tension and awkward stares.
Great. Just what I needed.
I make eye contact with Ghost—his eyes telling me he's still angry—but then he turns his attention back to the table.
Whatever. I'm angry too.
"Zit here." König pulls out a stool and lightly taps on it. "I vill zerffe vu food." König smiles and starts to ready a plate for me.
I sit on the stool and wait patiently. I don't dare to look over at the table because I can already feel the lingering eyes on me.
"For vu, Schatz," König says kindly and hands me a plate.
I've no appetite but I appreciate the sentiment.
Feeling utterly hollow, I just stare down at the plate.
I must have been frozen like that for a moment as König asks, "Not hungry?"
"I'll eat right now. Thank you." Another fake smile.
König rests his hand on my shoulder, and squeezes softly, but doesn't move his hand after that.
Ghost notices this. I can tell by his scoff.
Eventually, I managed to eat some of the food on my plate, but nowhere near all of it. This is the first thing I've eaten since yesterday morning but I'm still not hungry.
"Gaz, the plane will be here soon." Laswell breaks the silence. "Be prepared."
Gaz nods in understanding.
Gaz is taking Soap's body back to base. I want to see Soap one last time before he goes. Before he's taken.
I stand to my feet, place my plate on the counter, and make way for the front door.
"Where are you going?" Captain Price asks, rather coldly, as I reach for the doorknob.
"Out," I respond curtly.
I swing the door open but before I'm about to walk out Ghost objects.
"Out where?" he growls, then says sternly, "If your Captain asks you a question, you respond with a real answer."
I can't take this anymore.
"Is this how it's going to be from now on?" I slam the front door, hard—I'll have to apologize to Mateen for that later. "Are we just going to continually blame me for what happened?"
"No one's blaming you, Breanna-" Laswell starts but I quickly cut her off.
"Oh, no?" I scoff. "Because it sure feels like it."
"Oh, sweetheart, don't play the fucking victim," Ghost hisses.
Condescending prick.
"Fuck you," I seethe, and the way Ghost's mask shifts tells me his frowning. "If I'm not to blame then why are you taking it out on me? The misdirected anger is starting to piss me the fuck off!" I yell.
I get that they're all hurting, but I'm hurting too. I get that they need something, someone, anyone, to blame.
But why me?
"Misdirected anger?" Price stands to his feet and slams his hands down on the table, bellowing. "That's rich considering I ordered you to stay inside the building and you left anyway."
"Jesus fucking Christ, I know! You've told me again, and again, and again!" I yell, my voice breaking. "I'm sorry! Is that what you want to hear? I'm sorry I didn't follow your order. Now fuck off!"
If I were anyone else, anyone else, I'd be dead for the way I just spoke to Price.
Price's face is full of pure rage. He's yelling at me. Ghost is yelling at me.
But I can't hear or see anything except for drowned-out sounds and blurry images.
Faintly, I can see König step between us, trying his best to calm the others down.
Without so much as a word, I walk out of the front door and to the barn.
Silence is all I hear coming from the house.
I reach the barn door but a heaviness washes over me and I'm hesitating to go inside. I grip the door handle and go to pull, but I can't.
"Just open it." That's what I tell myself. "It's not that hard."
I stand there for a moment, shake my head as if that'll make the bad thoughts go away, and take a deep breath.
And after a few moments, I open the barn door and reveal what I've been wanting to so desperately avoid.
Hesitantly, I approach the hay bale which holds Soap's dead body. He's covered in a tan sheet. I want to remove it, but I'm scared. I don't know what exactly I'm scared of, but I'm scared.
Shoving down those feelings, I pull down the sheet to only reveal his face.
Nothing.
No expression, no life.
I begin sobbing and it feels like my chest is caving in.
"I'm sorry I couldn't save you," I whisper as tears run down my cheeks. "I'm sorry I couldn't return your feelings." My voice breaks as I choke on my tears.
I continued crying for a good while over the hay bale, over him, until I heard the squeak of the barn doors opening.
I don't have the balls to turn around.
"It's time," Laswell says as she walks up to me and embraces me in a brief side hug.
I wipe my tears and exit the barn to see the entire squad waiting.
Price and Gaz walk past me while avoiding my gaze, enter the barn briefly, and then come out carrying Soap's body. They then board him onto the plane that apparently arrived moments ago.
But I couldn't hear anything over the sound of my heart breaking.
Everyone takes their time with Soap before Gaz departs with him. We won't be able to truly address what happened until the mission is over.
Ghost is the last one to take his turn and that turn lasts a while.
Respectfully, we all stand a few feet back to give him some space.
I see Ghost slowly shake his head, pats the body's leg, and then he walks back to the group.
"I'll see you on the flip side," Gaz says to no one in particular.
And then they are gone.
I hear the footsteps of everyone retreating into the house. When I turn around to look, Ghost is already halfway through the front door.
After everyone gets back inside, Price says like a true Captain would, "There's no more time to waste. We leave at 5:00 AM. Have your bags packed and be ready to go."
A silent, cohesive nod.
"Do we know where he is?" Ghost asks, his arms crossed tightly.
Price takes a deep breath, "He knew we were coming. Makarov got a tip from his men that we were in Russia and Afghanistan looking for him..." Price pauses to take a sip of water from his earlier glass. ".He's in the United Arab Emirates."
"Fucking hell," Ghost sighs, exasperated. "What the fuck is he doing there?"
"He plans to bomb Hotel Oasis. One of his many planned terrorist attacks," Laswell claims. "He's been spotted going in and out of Hotel Oasis in the past two days."
"Do we know when the bomb is scheduled to go off?" I ask.
Everyone quiets and glances over at me perched by the door.
Everyone except for Ghost that is.
"In two days," Laswell responds. "When Lieutenant Ghost and I were in Russia, we were able to access Makarov's personal computer and download all his files regarding his plans. We'll get there in no time when we leave tomorrow."
"Then why not just leave today?" I sketch a brow.
Ghost laughs and shakes his head.
"Is something funny?" I ask, irritation evident in my tone.
He ignores me.
"I think we could all use some rest." She smiles somberly.
"Right," I say quietly.
Price, Laswell, and König go to their respective rooms. As I had forgotten, Ghost and I were assigned to sleep in the living room.
Ghost readies himself for bed on the opposite end of the room.
There's one couch and he's decided to sleep on the floor.
Sitting up on the couch, I ask, "So we're just not going to talk about it, then?"
Silence.
"Simon," I plead.
"Another time." He sounds exhausted.
And that was the last thing either of us said for the night.