On Saturday, I decided to go to my parents house for dinner-
Which winds up being a mistake half of the time.
I have a complicated relationship with my parents. They are very conservative, and I am very much not.
It's not like I don't love my parents, and they were never bad parents to me. They showed me love, and always provided for me. However, that love sometimes felt conditional, and like I always had to play by their rules and ideals.
They don't know about my sexuality. And the goal is for them to never know. I've defied them in other ways that they don't approve, but my sexuality is something that I plan on keeping from them forever. There will be no need to tell them. I know that if they found out I have been with women, our relationship would never be the same. I don't even know if they would talk to me.
They're not even very religious. They just feed into Fox News and Republican politicians way too much.
My dad is a Dentist, and my mom didn't work. I think that she gets bored a lot of the time, and clings onto things that give her something to be passionate about. She hasn't been as bored lately though. Since my sister, Brittany, got divorced from her ex-husband, Colton, my mom has been watching my nieces three days a week, which I know she loves. She was a teacher before having kids.
Besides Brittany, I have my older brother, Keith. He is a year older than me, he's 26. Keith is engaged to his fiancé, Kristen. He was a Marine for 6 years, and he now works as a Paramedic. I do love my brother, he's hard-headed like my parents, but he has the caring and non-judgmental aspect they don't have.
It's too bad his fiancé is a bitch. And he also lives two hours away, in bumblefuck Pennsylvania.
My parents live about 40 minutes from my apartment, which is just far enough. I drove to their house, and was fully expecting my sister to be a mess, as she has been for the past 6 months.
Her ex-husband, Colton, is a cop, and he cheated on her with one of his female co-workers, and is now dating her. I haven't gotten along with my sister all the time, but in this case- I do feel bad for her. And she's trying her best. She wasn't working either, and she's had to go back to work as a medical assistant, which I know has been tough for her.
She was in the kitchen when I got to my parents house, sitting at the kitchen counter, her head in her hands and her light blonde hair hanging over her. My mom had her arm around Brittany. I could see my dad in the living room, reading a book to Violet and Carson.
He waved hello to me, and I walked up to my mom and Brittany from the other side of the counter.
Brittany lifted her head from her hands, and gave me a weak smile. Brittany was usually very done up, with her hair, nails, and eyelash extensions. However the past 6 months, she had hardly been keeping up with any of that, or wearing makeup.
"Hey, Britt. How are you?" I asked.
"I've been better." she said, "It's good to see you, Jenny."
I stood around with my mom and Brittany as they commiserated over Colton. Brittany saw a picture of him and his new girlfriend that he cheated on her with on Facebook, and it sent her into a tailspin.
Understandable.
"He sucks." I said to Brittany, "You're better off without him."
"But who is going to want me?" Brittany said, "I'm a divorced mom of two. No man is going to want me."
You don't need a man.
"You don't need to be with anyone." I said, "You're strong on your own."
"Jenny, Brittany wants to be able to meet someone. You have to understand that." my mom said.
"I do." I said, "But you should grow to be fine on your own too."
Brittany narrowed her blue eyes at me and said, "This is not the time to say that, Jenny."
"I'm sorry." I said, "I just want to see you grow and flourish on your own."
"Jennifer, why don't you go say hello to your father?" my mom said to me.
She only calls me Jennifer when she gets annoyed. And I hate it when she calls me that- I prefer to go by Jenny only.
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes, "Fine."
Of course Brittany didn't ask me how my first week of work went. She probably doesn't know I started a new job.
Not that I should fault her. She's going through a lot.
But even when she was married- and before she got married, when we were young- Brittany has always been about herself.
I walked over to where my dad was sitting with Violet and Carson in the living room.
"Aunt Jenny!" Violet called out and ran to me, and she wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged me.
Even though Violet is not my daughter, everyone jokingly calls her my "mini-me". My mom and my sister both have blonde hair, and my dad and brother both have light brown hair. I am the only one with auburn hair, and Violet has auburn hair as well, with even more of a reddish tint than mine.
I sat down on the floor with Violet and Carson, my arms around them, and my dad sat across from us on the couch, a beer in hand.
"How has your first week of work been, J?" my dad asked me.
"It's been good." I said, "I think I'm going to really like it. I went to a happy hour last night with my co-workers. They're all pretty nice."
Especially one.
"That's great!" my dad said, "I'm glad this job is going well for you so far. I'm sure you're going to kick major a-s-s."
My dad spelled out the last word to not fully say it in front of the kids.
Out of my parents, my dad is the one that is more attentive. Sometimes it is in a passive way- he won't call you often like my mom will- but he always remembers what is going on and makes point to ask about it. I sometimes don't blame him- he's a busy man, running his own dental practice.
When dinner was ready, we all sat down to eat. My mom can cook well. I would hope she could, considering she cooked dinner every single night while growing up and she still does. Tonight she made chicken with a cilantro lime marinade along with rice and vegetables.
"This is very tasty, Court." my dad said to my mom. Her name is Courtney, but he has always called her "Court".
"It is." I agreed, "You'll have to give me the recipe for the chicken."
"Gladly." my mom said, "I have plenty leftover. Take some home for Stephanie."
After a little while eating, my mom said to me, "Guess who I saw at the store earlier?"
"Who?" I asked.
"Tyler's mom, Janet." my mom said, "Tyler is engaged now. He lives in Colorado."
And she needs to tell me this about my high school boyfriend...why?
"Good for him." I said.
My mom frowned, "You can have more of a reaction than that, Jenny."
Before I could say anything back, Brittany asked me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend, Jenny? It's been, what- six years since you and Tyler broke up?"
"More like seven." I said back.
"Brittany rolled her eyes, "I don't understand why you don't want to date anyone. You're smart, pretty, make good money...it baffles me that you haven't been with anyone since Tyler romantically."
Whenever this topic came up, I always wanted to say, "I have been with people. Mostly women."
And a man that was a big mistake.
But like always, I bit my tongue.
"I appreciate the compliments, Britt." I said, "But I am focusing on my career. I'm not really interested in dating."
"By the time I was 25, I had Violet." Brittany said, "It's just odd to me."
"I don't even think I want kids." I said back.
My mom put down her fork, "Alright. That's enough of that."
Anytime I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, my mom always got mad and ended the conversation.
And not long after that, it was time for me to leave. Even though I would get severely annoyed with my family, especially my mom and sister, I still always gave them a hug goodbye.
"Keith is going to be coming up for his birthday the first weekend in June." my mom said, "Make time to be here and see him, okay?"
"I will." I said back- and then I turned and walked to my car.
On my drive home, the thoughts that I try to not let creep into my mind started to.
What if I do wind up with a woman?
What the fuck am I going to do?
I think that might actually be what I want-
Stop. Just stop it.
My mind was clouded with the thoughts about my sexuality that often came into my mind after seeing my family- or especially late at night when I had trouble falling asleep.
When I got back to my apartment, Sunshine immediately ran up to me when I shut the door, and I leaned down to pet her. I closed my eyes for a moment as I ran my hand down her fur, and she rubbed up against my leg affectionately.
"I love you, Sunshine." I said, and gave her a kiss on the top of her head.
"You're home!" Stephanie said, walking up to the front door, where I was, "I knew you had to be. Sunshine was sitting with me on my bed and bolted to the door when she saw you pull up out the window."
I laughed and said, "She's too funny. What have you been doing?"
"Watching trash TV." Stephanie said, and then she looked at me for a moment with her brown eyes and asked, "Did everything go okay with your family? I can tell you're a bit on edge."
"Honestly, I am a bit on edge." I said, "Do we have any alcohol, or did you finish off the wine? I could use a drink."
"Whoops. I'm sorry, I finished the wine yesterday. Want to go get a drink? I can get ready quickly and we can go to a bar." Stephanie asked me.
I stood up, "You'd be willing to do that?"
"Of course!" Stephanie said, "Give me like, twenty minutes."
"That's perfect." I said, "I want to change out of these clothes."
Sunshine followed me into my bedroom, and I changed out of my jeans and t-shirt into a short, little black dress that cinched in at the waist and flared out a bit. I brushed out my hair, and touched up on my makeup as well.
When Stephanie came out, she had on a pretty pink crop top and shorts set, and her curly hair was in two space buns.
"You look so cute." I said to her, "You ready?"
"Ready to go!" she said.
Little did I know, this was about to be a very interesting night.