Valerian Calix
I was stroking her hair, her head on my lap as I sat on her bed with terrible posture, she was under her covers, using me as a pillow, on her side, her one leg over mine, the other straight.
It was silent. How she wanted it to be. She didn't want her TV on. No sound.
She didn't want me to clean although I decided I stay tonight to do it anyway.
"Val?"
"Hm?"
"Is there a clear divide between your interest and obsession?"
"Mm yes, sort of."
"When it comes to me... do you have thoughts that are just... really dark but your interest in me makes you just keep it in your head?"
"Mmhm. Why?"
"My pencil drawing."
"Mmm."
"What kind of thoughts do you have?"
"All sorts, doll."
"Yeah but I'm talking about the obsession based one's. Including jealousy, harm, lust."
"Vina I'm not sure you-"
"I want to know. I want to know what goes on in your mind. I'm unsure if there's anything you can say to genuinely scare me." She said.
I thought about it.
"You sure?"
"Yes."
One of my hands ran through her curls gently, making sure not to brush them to a fluff.
The other rubbed her back, comforting her.
"I- I don't like the thoughts I think, Corvina. And I'd never actually do any harm to you. You understand that?" I asked.
"Yes. I know. Are they that bad?"
"I believe so. I think about physically harming you for things that aren't even your fault. Sexually punishing you for things out of our control."
"What? I want to know." She asked.
"I'm worried you won't understand. Or I might be too explicit."
"Valerian, we already cleared I can't run. I want to know who you are and what happens in your head. Some of your songs talk about lustful violence, if they're about me, I would like to hear about those thoughts." She scooted closer to me, her chest against my thigh, head now on my lower abdomen.
One of her hands was on my inner thigh, holding onto me like a body pillow.
I thought for a second.
"People stare at you. You're so fucking beautiful. I know it. Most people agree and know it. Sometimes I imagine just strangling you. Only I should see it. Only me. No one should admire your hair or skin, I should. Just me. I want to lock you up, make you a missing person. I want to keep you entirely for myself. Your body, your face, your voice. Those things should be only for me." I spoke and she held onto me tighter, as if nervous of the very thing she was holding onto.
Me.
"Half of me knows that's so stupid. I need to be realistic. Half of me lives in a fictional "what if" scenario where that'd be possible. Living that life would be worth your unhappiness because I'm so utterly selfish. I'd be okay if you hated me because I love you." I said and her breathing became slightly quicker.
"Do you want me to stop?" I offered.
"No. Go on."
"Jealousy is a powerful emotion. I feel not only territorial over you but in my head I can compare you to an object. Almost a toy. I can detach myself from the idea that your human just because I want to keep you and have you for myself. I find myself often debating killing the men you've been with before and caused any insecurity. I'm not a murderer to preface. But I would absolutely, without a second thought kill for you. No debate or questions asked."
She tucked herself into me although it wasn't possible for her to get any closer.
"As much as I adore you as the human you are, the obsessive part of me sees you as a toy. My toy. To play with as I please. Which is why I also attach that to the things I want to do to you like tying you up and that shit. But I know you're a human with emotions and opinions and feelings and thoughts which is why I've never acted on these things." I spoke and she nodded softly against my leg.
"If that changes anything you want to do with me or anything, please tell me. I truly don't want you to dislike me. In the healthy part of me, I want you to have the world and have so many experiences. I will never force you to do anything you don't want to just to please me." My hand stilled on her back and she sighed.
"You intrigue me." She said and I thought about that.
"I'm not scared of you. But it's hard for me to comprehend that someone desires me that much." She murmured.
I could grasp that.
"Talk to me whenever you have these thoughts? I'd like to know their patterns and how they occur. Im interested." She said and I hummed.
"I can try."
"Okay."
"Go to sleep, babydoll."
"Okay."