Chapter 43
PARK SOOHYUN'S POV
I swiped my ID at the access point and breezed past the double doors on my way to the nurses' station in the center of the ICU, accomplishing an instruction from an attending on my last day as a surgical resident. I always felt time was dragging out during residency until I was finally confronted with its end. I figured I wasn't so prepared about it the way I had initially thought.
I walked up to the counter and leaned forward, one of the nursing staff behind it raising his head up at me, and passed on another work to them as requested by the senior doctor.
A couple of hours later, after getting some shut-eye in the on-call room, I rushed into the locker room to get changed out of my scrubs and into my ceremony outfit, passing by familiar doctors and nurses who congratulated me on my way out of the hospital.
It didn't take long before I was at a circular table inside the banquet hall of the upscale hotel on the street next to Severance. Seated on my right were my parents, and on my left was Jimin who thankfully could make it tonight for my residency graduation. Everything had been prepared almost meticulously like it had only been waiting for us, even if we also paid for it. The waiters rotated around the tables, pouring champagne that could carry us through dinner. We were about twenty graduating residents in attendance, coming from different programs. I might have a stiff neck avoiding Nam Jiwon's direction; she was with her executive doctor parents which was sort of repulsive to me. How easy must it be to sit there and celebrate your accomplishment knowing you put someone else's on hold. Jungkook could've been here with me. He should be here with us; surely that occured to them, including the rest of the graduates, being the star resident that Jungkook was. There should've been another table in this room to be filled by Jungkook and his family.
I wanted to invite him to the ceremony but that would have been an asshole behavior on my part, and I wasn't about to act insensitive by asking him to be here for me, because this night was supposed to be his big night, too. When he had told me he had an evening class today, I didn't say anything and never dared to confirm if he was telling the truth. Even if he wasn't, he had every right to keep it, to guard himself from whatever kind of hurt that this situation caused. But I wasn't going to say that I wasn't heartbroken about his absence—it was a looming presence that was unlikely to be ignored.
Everyone was called one by one to come up on the stage and be recognized—I grinned so hard when it was Taehyung's turn but seethed at Doctor Won's face in sight—until it was my name that was being called over through the mic. Mom promptly told me to hold my head high and to be mindful of my posture before I got up. Growing up, she nitpicked things like this, which served us a fair share of better outcomes in our adulthood.
My knees were quaking but were delicately hidden by my evening dress. I hoped my smile didn't look strained as it felt when I posed for pictures between my attending and the chair of CT surgery department, holding a plaque in my hands. I walked down with aplomb I could muster, making sure I appeared more than okay in front of my colleagues and seniors even with all the tightness I was feeling around my facial muscles. My mom pretended to be upset as soon as I occupied the seat next to her, reminding me that I had never once mentioned that I co-authored two research articles over the past three years of my residency. Dad and Jimin were quick to pull out their phones and demand that I tell them where they could access them but I quietly asked them to not make it a big deal.
"It's a big deal, what are you saying," Jimin pressed on.
I hushed him down, "We can talk about it later."
"Where's your friend? I mean, the other one," he asked again, looking around.
I had already briefed him about the whole Jungkook's dismissal thing the other day, and while it wasn't a very detailed and a long story, my brother got the cue, left it wherever I ended as if anything was enough although he obviously shared the same reaction with me, and didn't probe the topic further, figuring it was a serious one, a heavy story to carry and unpack to an outsider. It was none of his business, he said.
Taehyung was sitting next to a middle-aged lady who I assumed was his mother, and was the only family member who had gone all the way from Daegu to witness the ceremony. She must be so proud of her son. From where we were seated, we could fully see them as they were almost facing us. Taehyung's expression was bright and open, as if he was inviting all the good things in.
Jimin mumbled, "That's your friend? Shit, don't let Mom see him. You know how she gets when she spots perfect faces."
Which, of course, was impossible because over an hour later, when the formality of the ceremony was over and it was time for dessert and everybody was starting to mingle with all the people in the room—the other doctors had snuck out so fast thinking they could be doing far more important tasks—I saw Taehyung coming our way with laudable confidence in every step. He was dressed in a black suit which undoubtedly made his tall frame stick out in the crowd, and soon after he was giving me a peck on the cheek and was shaking hands with my family, showing all the niceties he had masterfully developed in his career. "I'm Kim Taehyung, Ma'am," he said to my mother, flashing his ever charming smile which the older medical and cafeteria staff would usually fall for, "I'm Soohyun's friend. There's no doubt Soohyun took after you."
Mom spared me a quick glance, malice in her eyes. "A friend?" she didn't even make an effort to conceal her dismay, "I'll be so sad if you're not dating my daughter," she added before not missing a beat to grab the chance to comment on his facial symmetry. "Can I put your photo up in our clinic? Michelangelo would go insane trying to replicate your face into a sculpture." With every word she said, I felt like I was squashed an inch deeper into my chair. I wished she'd learned the art of subtlety in school so she could've passed it on to me.
An easy laugh bubbled out of Taehyung's throat, then in a fraction of a second he was shaking his head, half-entertained and half-flustered by my mother's bold remark. If he was feeling any sense of discomfort, he was really good at hiding it. I always knew my mother wasn't one to shy away from vocalizing whatever she perceived as perfect, but my friend wasn't aware of this so I should get her away from him before she could embarrass us any longer. Mom had always claimed to be an aesthete, regarding beauty to be of high importance. She never denied vanity being one of her greatest motivators for success.
Dad's gaze was set on Taehyung, pinning him in his place, and I could tell he was sizing him up, a little wary of the possibility that he could be my secret boyfriend. Any other time, I would find it hilarious. Jimin being himself—well, he seemed to be enjoying the scene unfolding before his eyes.
I grimaced, tearing ourselves away from the awkwardness. "For the record, he's just really my friend, so don't make it weird, Mom."
Taehyung helped me clear it up. "Yeah, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Doctor Park. We're best of friends. And sure, I can send you a bunch of sample photos to pick from. Which subspecialty do you concentrate on?" I wanted to tell off Taehyung for indulging my mom's ideas, but he was being so nice and cute that it was hard to pull him out of the act.
My mom looked pleased with his response. "Cosmetic surgery procedures. You're welcome to come by the hospital I work in. You would easily be the favorite of my other plastic surgeon friends." Ha. That was going too far. She rarely even invited me to visit her at work!
Taehyung lightly placed a hand over his chest, looking a little bashful. "I'm really honored to hear that, Ma'am."
I groaned. "Stop stroking his ego. I'm afraid he's not going to let that go for a long while." I cut through the exchange because I was sensing an impending list of plans Taehyung would find difficult to reject despite the satisfaction from seeing one of my parents click it off with my friend. It had been so long since my family knew of someone who was close to me because I didn't have anyone to qualify as a friend before. And the first one they met after a long time was a guy, so I probably could not blame them for suspecting Taehyung and I were together. But how could I insert the guy friend who I was actually dating into this conversation?
I met and conversed with Taehyung's mother afterwards, a petite woman with a kind face, and when she spoke, I effortlessly recognized Taehyung's gentleness in her voice. She definitely raised a younger version of her, all smiles and soft around the edges. She'd mentioned Jungkook for a moment, telling me how she felt bad about the turn of events, how unfair it all was for him, and I could only offer a silent nod even if it meant anything less of what I truly felt. I mirrored her sadness and it settled into my chest despite the congratulatory words and warm hug she gave me. When we all took photos together and bid our goodbyes that night, I tried to be ecstatic about the achievement I'd worked hard for four years just as I deserved to be.
. . .
"I was seriously going to cry if you didn't come to see me," was the first thing I blurted out, my voice coming out small, after I heard the smart door lock make a sound and saw the door open, my boyfriend walking in, his face lighting up.
I slowly dropped the file folder I was sorting out onto the center table.
Jungkook didn't have the chance to say hi when he got close and bent over to immediately pull me into a hug while I was sitting on the couch. It was as if he was trying to console me. He even brought me a bouquet of flowers. "I wouldn't miss this night, love. I'm sorry I got caught up in work and had to stay for another half an hour," he whispered quietly into my shoulder. The softness in his tone could have quickly melted me into the ground. "We can still go out if you want."
"It's late. I'd rather stay here."
We pulled away and he quickly searched for my eyes as I helped him take his huge backpack off him. He really just got off his classes. I caught a whiff of coffee and his cologne when he handed me the flowers. I said thank you, checking it out. I put it down on my side and checked Jungkook out next. The dim light was casting a shadow across his face, stubble growing more noticeable. I hated to think that wherever he was, he wouldn't stop from overworking himself again. It was like a cycle he couldn't escape. "How was the event? Congratulations, I'm so proud of you."
I gave him a smile. "It was fine, it would've been so much better if you were there."
He shrugged his shoulders and chuckled, reaching for my hand and hooking his fingers with mine. He fiddled with them and let our hands stay in his lap. "Well, things happened." Doesn't mean we can heartily accept it, I wanted to add, but I knew he'd had that in mind a lot of times. He didn't need a painful reminder. "I phoned Taehyung earlier. He was with Auntie. It's a bummer I wasn't able to see her. She fed me a lot whenever she visited Taehyung back in college... I think she would've been back in Daegu by now."
"She didn't stay the night here?"
"Nope."
"My parents thought I was dating Taehyung when they met him. It was ridiculous."
Jungkook laughed, amusement playing in his lips. "Really? Poor guy probably didn't know what to do with himself."
"My mom said embarrassing stuff. Wait till you meet her."
He seemed to be considering it, nodding his head. "When is that going to happen?"
I was perplexed by the sudden drop of idea. I didn't think much about it and I wasn't in a rush for him to get to know my people. "I don't know. Do you want to meet my family?"
Jungkook stared at me. "I do. Do you want me to?"
"Yes, I think that would be great. Whenever we're ready. I mean, it's not rocket science, so there's no need to feel pressure. We can make plans after the exam next week."
"Sure, babe." He rested his arm on the back of the couch, leaning back. "I've found my new place. I'll be moving in one of these days."
I felt my body stiffen in my seat. "Oh? That was fast." I didn't know he had already worked his plans out. Maybe that was why it seemed like he got even busier that I couldn't reach him sometimes.
"Hoseok helped me get it all settled as soon as we could. It's only a few blocks away from the campus so it's a walking distance. The apartment's smaller, but I think you'd love it."
I nodded, fighting down the urge to ask, 'are you happy about this decision?' because somehow I knew the answer. He didn't want this to happen in the first place but he had to make all these new arrangements and tell himself that it was going well. I was broken for him but Jungkook wouldn't want to hear that; he didn't want my pity. He didn't want any of my consolations. He said he only wanted me to be here, to be with him.
I never told him I wanted nothing but more time.
I wanted him close if getting him closer wasn't an option. I wanted more of him. I wanted him to stay and tell me I was allowed to be close. That even though I spent a third of my life admiring him, it wasn't enough because maybe I really couldn't get enough of anything and even if I convinced myself that having him around was a lot more than I could ask for, I still needed more. I needed to occupy the rest of space in his life; if I couldn't fit then it had to expand. Jungkook making changes in his life strangely felt like a threat, that perhaps he could turn into someone else amid all these adjustments and end up leaving the place I loved him in. I wanted him to love me and make me feel like he meant it, instead of being kept at an arm's length even if that was his idea of love.
I loved him but I was also greedy.
"Yeah, probably. I will," I replied, half-smiling.