Thalia's thoughts are in a never-ending loop spelling out the word duty. She should not have let herself be distracted by Shadril's words, let alone taken Anakin to the woods. She was at the head of a whole planet, she couldn't afford to be a stupid teenager.
Yet, the word duty looks a lot like 'Anakin' as it loosely settles in her mind.
He's talking with Padmé at dinner. They're all sitting, her and Shadril at either ends of the table, and he's making a show of the fact that he isn't talking to her. It's fine, she tells herself. Besides, she's been ignoring him too, for the past week.
Everytime his eyes settle on anything but her, she wants to grab his chin and turn his head back to her.
Clearly, staying close to him would do neither of them good. He was right – being a Jedi could almost rival being a monarch in obligations. Whatever happened at the lake could never happen again, for either of them. He swore an oath. She did too. It can never happen.
The fake snowquills on the dinner table are taunting her.
"And when I got to them, we went into aggressive negotiations," he tells Padmé.
Padmé frowns, a confused smile on her face. "'Aggressive negotiations'? What's that?"
"Well, negotiations with a lightsaber."
Shadril hums, taking a gulp off of her drink. "Maybe the Queen could take a page out of your book."
"Shadril."
Anakin stares blankly at the Princess. He doesn't say anything, he just looks at her. If Thalia always found his gaze too intense when his eyes settled on her, she's taken aback by the void they hold now.
Shadril doesn't look away. She wants to say something else, her aunt can see it all over her face. Her gray gaze turns to her, and the flowers. It blazes.
"Beautiful snowquills," she says. "You don't see those around the castle often, am I wrong?"
She knows. Anakin's eyes finally cross Thalia's, and her jaw tightens. She didn't need to give Shadril anymore ammunition in regards to her incompetence. She hadn't thought this through, entranced at the idea to act like a normal teenager, to show Anakin the place she loves most.
Now, it was time to face the consequences.
Padmé's frown turns from playful to alarmed as she looks between the two Ashtaroth. "Sometimes, a peaceful approach is necessary to not make matters worse," she says, trying to help her friend.
"Of course," Shadril answers, going back to her food. "I'm glad my Queen is receiving so much level-headed advice. Tell me, what do you think of selfish endeavors?"
"Don't do this," Thalia warns.
The Senator is not amused by the innuendos Shadril is directing at her family. "It's important to have some time to yourself. Otherwise, you could lose sight of what you stand for."
"Or the war others are fighting for you."
"That's enough."
Padmé shakes her head. "I'm not sure–"
"Maybe galavanting in the woods while others die for what you stand for could not be considered as 'time to yourself.'
"I said–"
"Aren't you fighting this war for yourself entirely?"
All eyes converge to the Jedi. Thalia gapes, and Shadril's gaze hardens, but Anakin doesn't move under her stare. He finds Thalia much more intimidating, Shadril's temper tantrum is nothing compared to the Queen's irritation.
"You seem to know a lot about things that don't concern you, Jedi," the Princess lets out, venomous. "You should remember your place."
Thalia knows her niece. The way her eyes flit between the Queen and the Jedi. Her insults are disguised questions that Anakin doesn't think about correcting.
"You should remember yours," he says. "The Queen could afford to take time for herself if her Princess listened to her orders."
"Anakin, that's enough," Thalia lets out, gripping her knife tightly. She doesn't need Shadril to get ideas about her relationship with the Jedi – she doesn't even know what it is herself.
"You are nothing but a security guard here. The only reason you are at this table and not guarding the door is because the Queen is kind enough to let you share our meal. A kindness you'll repay her for, I'm sure. In snowquills, perhaps?"
Thalia's jaw tightens painfully. She doesn't need rumors like this polluting the castle. This little fight has to end, now.
"Jedi recognise authority, but are not influenced by it," Anakin states firmly. "That is why I can say that with confidence that if the Queen wasn't busy trying to right the wrongs of her own family, maybe she wouldn't need to get away from them."
"Is this a confession? Are you the distraction she needs to get away from her duties?"
Thalia slams her fist on the table. "I said, enough! I won't have you question my loyalties, or endanger them, for that matter." She stands up, glaring daggers at the two. "Shadril, I want you out of the castle with negotiations underway by the end of the week."
Anakin sits down in his chair. "And what will you have me do, your Highness?"
She stares him down. "Choke for all I care, Skywalker."
Thalia storms out of the room, heels clicking on the marble floor. They had been careless in their endeavors, and Shadril had been getting the wrong idea. Half of her family is already against her, thinking that she's a child playing dolls with their planet.
Anakin is just proving them right.
She hears his footsteps behind her, and curses under her breath. He just has to make matters worse, doesn't he? He cannot help himself, chasing after the Queen like she was just Thalia.
"Thalia, just stop!" he cries out after her.
She lets him follow her until she reaches the library. It's deserted at that time. She climbs the stairs leading to the small sofa upstairs, and sits down, waiting for him to join her, arms crossed. She can't escape him.
"The walls are thick enough for Pelidians not to hear us," she tells him, voice harsher than she intends. "Or do you want my family getting any more wrong ideas?"
Anakin's eyes are blue flames waiting to devour her whole. The way he looks at her, intensely, without a trace of shyness, makes her heart hammer in her chest. His is nowhere near calm either, from what she can hear.
"Is it?" he asks. "Is it the wrong idea?"
Thalia shuts her eyes tightly, keeping the blazing emotions at bay. "Do not do this, Anakin."
He laughs without any humor in it. "Me? You've reverted back to your cold self all week–"
"I have to!" she retorts with animosity. "I'm the Queen of this place, things are expected of me, and they are not to be running around with a Jedi."
Anakin shakes his head at her. "But what do you want, Thalia? Does that not matter?"
"Duty comes before you, and me, and anything," she says, matter-of-factly. Still, the snowquill shade of his eyes make her wince. "What I want does not matter."
It never has. Everything must come before her. As for what she wants, well, it's something she knows she can't have.
It makes her bitter, as she stares at the very object of her desire, and darkest impulses.
"It's a fact you should remind yourself before you rid me of all this..." This feeling. This urge to smash her lips against his until she forgets the crown and everything it entails.
"Really? Everything is my fault? Do you think you are the only victim in this? I am in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets."
The situation almost makes her laugh bitterly. When she feels his eyes on her, she doesn't dare to look up. "Maybe you should avoid me then."
"I've tried." He sits down next to her, elbows on his knees in deep thought. "The thought of not being with you... I can't breathe. You are in my very soul, tormenting me."
Thalia doesn't answer, afraid to indulge him, to indulge herself in something that will surely result in either one of them leaving with a broken heart. She can't afford it, she has to keep herself level-headed, she has to be a good ruler, she can't just let herself be distracted, no matter how tempting it is.
"What can I do?" he presses, eyebrows scrunched up. "I will do anything you ask."
Anakin is almost burning for her touch, to get some relief in the death sentence she has inflicted on him. He'd settle for scraps of her. For stolen glances and poorly hidden smiles, if only she was to reciprocate in any way.
"If you are suffering as much as I am, please, tell me," he begs, ready to get on his knees if she would just flit her eyes to his for half a second.
Thalia stands up, not willing to subject herself to heartbreak. "I can't," she says, voice heavy with restraint. "You are a Jedi. I am a Queen – it is not even remotely possible, Anakin. We both swore oaths to people who can't bear to lose us."
He stands up after her. "Anything is possible, Thalia. Listen to me–"
For a second, her mask cracks, and she lets him see the girl behind the crown, round hazel eyes pleading, ridden with feelings she doesn't know how to ignore, mouth turned into a frown from duties she wished she knew how to delegate.
"No, you listen," she urges, turning around abruptly to face him and his demanding eyes. "It's a sacrifice I can't afford. I won't lose myself to you."
Yet, his eyes spark with poorly hidden hope. "So you do feel something."
She shakes her head, breathing becoming heavier as he steps forward and she doesn't step back. "I won't give up my planet's future for you. And I won't ask you to leave the Order for me."
He moves to take her hand, but she steps away. "You are asking me to be rational. That is something I know I cannot do."
"You have to," she reasons. "People expect too much of us. We have to ignore whatever it is that's between us, for the greater good."
He scoffs. "Believe me, I wish that I could just wish away my feelings, but I can't."
The mask is back on as she clenches her jaw. Thalia stares at him, unwavering in her determination. "My people will always come first. I can't give into this." She raises her chin. "And I won't."
Anakin stares back at her, before nodding, and turning away. She lets out a sigh she didn't know she was holding, before he turns back to her.
"What about that day at the lake?" Anakin asks. "Forget about the Queen for a moment – what about Thalia? What about snowquills?"
Thalia looks away. She can't bear to look at him.
"That day was a mistake. It can never happen again."
A hint of hurt flashes across Anakin's delicate features. "Are you serious?"
"Snowquills die if given too much heat," she says, resolute. "They don't thrive anywhere outside the forest. It destroys them."
Anakin nods once. "You're right, your Highness. Forgive my insolence." He licks his lips, poorly hiding the turmoil of emotions that are seizing him. "It would destroy us."
As he takes his leave, she wonders if they were even something to be destroyed in the first place.
Author's Note: Thalia is fighting for her life and Anakin is just I fantasize about it all the time if you were mine............