The next few days were some of the worst of my life. It was horrible.
Grayson took a few weeks off from work. At first I questioned why he took so much time, but as the days wore on, I felt like a few months wouldn't be enough. Neither of us ate much, or cooked much. We ordered takeout when possible. Once in awhile one of us would cook something elaborate, but the other never questioned it. We both understood the need to be busy, but also the need to have time off from life. So we stayed busy. We ate. Cooked. Did puzzles. Watched movies. Cleaned to the point of the place sparkling.
We didn't go out for five days. When we did, people noticed. Specifically, Tay.
"Hey! I haven't seen you guys in like a week!" he said brightly. He'd ambushed us, having decided to come over right as we were heading home from the grocery store.
"We got a stomach bug," I lied. That was what Grayson and I had come up with for our excuse for our disappearance. "It was awful."
Tay smirked. "Both of you? It makes sense, with all the kissing that you guys do, but yikes. Not a fun week."
"Not fun at all," Grayson agreed blankly. I'd noticed that when he talked now, he no longer had that brightness in his tone. That sparkle that made him so brave, so optimistic. He spoke like an entirely different man.
"Bummer. Glad you're both feeling better," Tay said sympathetically. "Listen, are you guys hanging around for thanksgiving? I was thinking about throwing something at my place."
"We'd love to, really, but we're stuck going back to Laura's," I said, although I didn't know which option was worse. Laura's would've obviously been a nightmare, but I didn't know how I would've kept up a smile at Tay's for an entire afternoon. He was such a joyful person, no one was ever sad around him. No one except Grayson and me.
Tay was devastated. "Aw, man. Well, I'll let you guys take care of your groceries. Come by the coffee shop this week?"
"I'll be there," I said, meaning it. I needed to start getting out of the penthouse. Starting with getting coffee from Tay.
He bid us goodbye, skipping down the sidewalk. Staring after him, I wonder when I last skipped. I must've been small, like eight or nine years old. I couldn't help but be jealous of Tay, wondering when I'd feel that happy again.
Grayson and I took our grocery bags upstairs quietly, putting things in the fridge and cupboards. Washing my hands, I heard Grayson say, "She's going to ask."
"She doesn't know," I said coolly.
"It doesn't matter. She'll ask. Or worse, find out," he said bitterly.
Aggressively, I turned off the water. "She's asking for all the wrong reasons," I said through clenched teeth.
"You think I don't know that?" he snapped, then drew in a deep breath. "Sorry, Jackie. Really."
"It's okay. She makes me angry too," I said tightly.
Grayson leaned back against the counter, chewing his lower lip. "That doesn't mean I'm allowed to get angry with you."
"You're allowed to get angry with me. It's a team effort," I said, attempting to joke. I almost caught the corners of his lips turning upwards, but they immediately dropped a second later.
"What are we going to do about it?" he asked.
"Same thing we always do," I said wearily. "Deny any chance of pregnancy and tell her that we don't want kids."
"Right," he mumbled.
"I know she's horrible and I know it's awful having her around, but we just have two and a half more months," I said gently.
Grayson nodded, dragging his hands over his face and through his hair. "Jackie, I know she's a nightmare, trust me, but part of me almost wishes it wasn't so soon."
I wavered. "Why?"
He hugged himself, gripping his elbows as his gaze shifted to the floor. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but we have to think about our futures, Jackie. Everlie will be our secret for the rest of time, and we'll carry that for the rest of our lives. We have each other right now, but what happens in January?"
"I don't know what happens and I don't want to know," I said abruptly, throwing away the used grocery bags and heading into the living room. He was asking questions I didn't want the answers to.
"You should want to know." Grayson was following me now.
"Well, I don't," I said hotly. "So too bad."
"What happens when you go back to work? What happens when you stuff all this down and never ever think about Everlie or me again?" I covered my eyes, fending off the words that were hitting harder than rocks.
"What happens when my mother hounds me about you? Constantly asks why we broke it off?" Grayson asked. He was being so mean, so cruel. He was making me face things I wanted to put off for a century.
"I don't care!" I snapped. "You'll deal with her just like you always have!"
His footsteps stopped. "What happens when she makes me remarry and I have to have another child?"
I stopped walking. I turned to look at him, stunned to see how ashen his face was. Taking slow, deep breaths, I said uncertainly, "You won't have to."
"Maybe I won't," he agreed, his arms crossed. "But you think she'll drop it after I let you slip away?"
"Hasn't that always been an issue?" I said accusingly. "Everlie doesn't change any of that. You'll be single until you find someone you actually love, and that's on you. I have nothing to do with it."
"Yes, and that's fine, but I'm just saying that my side of it has consequences that I can deal with," he said. "I'm worried, Jackie. You're going to go back to work and forget about all of this like it never happened."
"How could I possibly forget about any of this?" I exploded. "I married someone! I lost a child! You think I'm just going to forget?"
Grayson stared down at me, unwavering. "I think you'll try to," he said in a low voice.
"Of course I will!" I cried, a crack in my voice. "How could I not? It's just been one nightmare after another with you, so I'm going to do my best to just forget as much as I can. I'll go back to work. I'll have girls nights with Kylie and Nina. I'll pretend that none of this ever happened. That's how it should be."
Cautious, he took a couple steps towards me. A couple more. It was only when he stood in front of me and took my hands that I realized that I was trembling. He looked scared too, his eyes wide as he whispered, "You can let it all out."
"There's nothing to let out," I said, on the verge of crumbling. "And even if there was, it's not fair to dump it on you."
"We said together," he reminded me gently. "I meant together."
Shaking my head, I felt a lone tear slide down to the base of my nose. "You're hurting. I can't add this to it," I said meekly. My chest felt like it was going to explode with the pressure of my resistance.
"Maybe if we hurt together it wouldn't hurt so bad," he said, tracing his thumbs over the backs of my hands.
I hung my head, shuddering as my tears splashed to the floor. "I'll never forget," I whispered. "I'm scared to leave you and go back to my old life because I'll have too much time to think."
"I know," Grayson said softly. He knew me better than I knew myself.
"I just have no idea how to feel, and I feel like every feeling is wrong," I confessed, the words tumbling out. "I'm just so sad, all the time, and I know this means technically we can go back to just breaking up but now we're just going to be grieving forever. I'm terrified to go home, Grayson."
"Oh, I know, Jacks," he whispered, hugging me and letting me cry for a few minutes. It was more than a few minutes, but he didn't mind. Because on top of all this sadness, all of this grief, I had to worry about going home. About being alone and having time to myself and not knowing what to do with my life now that I'd lost my darling little girl.
He was the only thing keeping me tied down right now. Even in my darkest moments, he was somehow pulling through to keep me afloat. I was trying to do the same for him, but I just couldn't tell how much I was helping. Some days I wondered if he'd even noticed that I'd fallen asleep holding him, or that I'd made dinner. Then he would turn around and do the same thing for me. We really had become dependent on each other in the past couple of weeks.
Grayson kissed the top of my head and whispered, "We'll figure it out. And if we get to January and realize that things are still a mess, maybe we can work out a way to push back the divorce, okay?"
"We can't push it back forever," I said, closing my eyes and holding back the second wave of tears.
"I know. But I think with the wedding coming up things might change, so we just have to sort of go with the tide," he said, rubbing my back as he held me. That felt good.
"Okay," I mumbled.
"Would you want to go see a therapist, too?" he asked gently. "I've been thinking about getting one myself."
"That sounds good," I said, knowing it would do me at least some good.
"Okay then. For now we won't worry about January, we'll just worry about October," Grayson said into my hair.
"What happens in October?" I asked in a small voice.
"Well," he whispered, rocking back and forth with me cradled in his arms. "The leaves will start falling, and it will get colder. I suspect you'll start wearing cute sweaters. Soon the snow will come and I'm guessing we'll get a bad blizzard like we always do."
"Keep telling me about October," I murmured, clinging to his words. His voice was so soothing after the angry, despairing conversation we'd just had. I closed my eyes and leaned into his chest, just listening.
"Soon the Christmas things will emerge, and the city will be covered in lights and Christmas trees and ornaments. You and I will decorate this place for Christmas, because why not even though we won't be here come December. We'll drive out into the woods and pick a tree and we can decorate it, and put lights on it, and have hot chocolate and eggnog while listening to carols," he whispered.
"All that in October?" I asked, my voice muffled by his shirt.
"Maybe some of it in November. November is a few weeks away, but for now it's still October," he said soothingly. "Let's take October for now. Okay?"hispered.
"Okay," I whispered. I didn't know how he'd done it, but he'd drained all the anger and stress out of me. I couldn't even feel sad; I just wanted to maybe lie down and take a nap.
He kissed my head again, holding on tighter for just a moment before whispering, "We'll be okay, Jacks. I promise."
"I believe you."
Things would be okay in October, and that was all I needed right now. I just had to make it to November.