NESSIE
Two lines. There are two lines on that test. Not one.
I'm...
Pregnant. I am pregnant.
I am on the floor of the bathroom, my back against the bathtub, staring at the five tests in a line on the floor. For I didn't do just one. I did five. All positive. All in front of me now, showing me how bad I screwed up.
I am pregnant.
And I have no fucking clue what to do.
I know damn well it is not Mark's baby. It can't be. It's simple maths. Maths may not be my subject, but I understand that if you didn't get laid with a man in over ten months, there is no way you'll get pregnant from him. And I understand that if you did get laid with another man and forget to take the pill, that damn pill, that you'll in fact get pregnant.
It is Adam's baby.
My baby.
Our child.
I want to sink deeper.
I don't know what to do. I can't tell him. I won't. Adam doesn't want to hear from me. Hearing I am carrying his child won't come easy for him.
Fuck it, it doesn't come easy for me too.
I don't know what to do. I'm twenty, still in college, living on the inheritance my parents left me after they died in a car accident that turned my life into a nightmare. I have no other relatives; I live in a dorm room. How will I take care of this child? For even though I just heard about it, I know I don't want to lose my baby. Even if Adam might not want a child with me or if Mark will break up with me for being pregnant with another man, this is my baby.
My baby...
It still feels odd to say it.
I never thought I'd say it. I mean, I did think I'll say it. Somewhen in the far-away future. Not now.
Someone knocks at the door. But doesn't knock, bangs. Full-time bangs.
"Nessie, what the heck?!", April shouts. "You've been in there for thirty minutes. Are you alright?"
I am not alright. I just found out I am pregnant.
"NESSIE", she yells again.
I guess April is the only one here. It's not like I paid attention as I rushed inside our dorm room and straight into the bathroom. I couldn't think of anything else.
"Nessie, I swear, if you don't open this damn door and show me you're okay, I'll crack it open", she threatens.
"It's a freaking bathroom, April", I say, trying to get her not to come in. She would see the tests and find out I'm pregnant. "You can't just crack the door to the bathroom open. What if I am naked?"
"For freaking thirty minutes?", she asks me skeptical. "What if you're hurt? I trust Mark as far as I can throw him in the ocean. What if he hurt you?" She is still suffering, I notice. April was there the night Leo hurt Dia. She was the one who took her out of that house. She and Noah. The one that had to see Dia bleed and cry. See Dia break.
"I am not hurt", I counter. She doesn't believe me.
"Then open the door or I will break it", April lets out again.
I sigh hard as she begins to bang in the wood again. I know what will happen. She'll find out. And then all my other besties will find out.
And then it will all be real.
I am pregnant.
With Adam's baby.
I open the door and April analyzes me from head to toe. I guess it doesn't help to prove her I am not hurt when my eyes are red from crying and I still smell like puke.
"Not hurt my ass", she hisses and wants to go take a towel to help me get cleaned. Her gaze lands on the tests then. All positive. She knows what they are from the moment she sees them.
"Are those yours?", she asks me worried.
I don't know how I find it in me to make a joke. "No, I collect them."
"That's fucking mental", she says, believing it.
I sigh. "They are mine, April."
She stops. Freezes. Her gaze wonders from the tests to me. And then her mouth wide opens.
"You're joking", she says, not wanting to believe it.
"Yeah, I am for sure joking when there are five positive tests lying in front of you", I reply, laughing hysterically.
I want to sink. And cry. I want to sink and cry.
"You're...", April begins but her voice breaks.
I only nod. A tear rolls down my cheek.
I guess she is having a panic attack as she begins shouting: "Soph! Nini! Dia!"
Damn it.
They would have found out too sooner or later.
The girls appear at once, probably hearing the urgency in April's tone. They enter the bathroom and stare at the two of us. Their gazes then land on the tests. And they all freeze. As one, they look back at me.
I only nod.
"Oh, Nessie", Soph is the first one to snap out of the shock. She comes closer to me and gives me a hug. I lose control feeling her warmth and familiar perfume and sink my face in her chest, starting to sob. Nini comes wrap her hands around me shortly after. So do Dia and April.
"It's alright", Soph answers. "It's all going to be fine", she continues. "You're not alone. We're here for you. You're not alone."
My other besties nod. And I thank the universe for them, since that was my first worry. That I'll go through this alone.
We're still sitting in the bathroom minutes later. I am sunk on the floor, back leaning against the bathtub. Soph is at one of my sides, also sitting, her head tilted on my shoulder. Dia is on the other side, her head tilted on my other shoulder. Her headphones are long gone, hanging from her neck. It's then I notice it. What she was probably hiding from the eyes of everyone all along. Behind her left ear, where the scar is, now also lies a tattoo of a butterfly. Not the details, just the outline. A butterfly, flying on her scar.
April is sitting on the toilet seat, the lid on it, making it like a chair. Nini is leaning with her back against the closed door in front of me. The five tests still lie on the ground in the middle of the room. Right between us five.
"Does Mark know?", April asks after a while.
Of course, they think it is Mark's. Mark is my boyfriend. The one I love. It should be his baby.
"It's not", I whisper, more of a mumble.
"I'm sorry, what?", Nini asks. I can't tell if she didn't hear what I said or just was too surprised by it.
"It is not", I repeat, voice a bit louder now. "He doesn't know because it is not his baby."
The girls all look at me with different expressions. Dia is shocked, Nini surprised, Soph gasps and April is confused.
"Who is the father then?", April asks for all of them.
I don't want to say.
I don't know if I'll say.
"Adam", I mumble.
"What?!", it's Soph's time to let out. Like in Nini's case, I can't tell if she hasn't heard it or is too surprised.
"Adam", I repeat, my voice louder. It's the first time I admit it. Admit what happened between us.
"How?", Nini asks.
So I tell them. I tell them everything. How lonely I was. How I went to a bar that night. How I got wasted. How Adam saved me and brought me to that hotel room. How he confessed his love. How we ended up doing it. How I've been thinking about him ever since.
How I am now pregnant with his baby.
My besties only freeze and look shocked for a while. No sign of response or life from them. April is the first to break the silence saying, a slight bit annoyed: "You could have told us."
I want to sink. She's right. I could have told them. They are my family.
"April", Soph cuts her short, voice sending warnings. She probably figured out a fight is not what I need right now.
"I mean it", April insists. "You could have told us you were sad. We would have forced you on that trip. We would have personally carried you on that plane. You could have told us you were suffering. That you still thought of him. You are always there for us, Nessie. Allow us to return the favor. Allow us to be there for you from now on. You don't have to deal with it all on your own. That's what besties are for. We are there for each other. Always."
I reach my hand for hers and she gives it to me. I squeeze it as thank you.
"April is right", Dia says, the first time she spoke since she's here. "You're not on your own. And we'll face it. Together."
I can feel tears rolling down my face. I am crying again. But not from sadness this time. But gratitude. Gratitude I have them.
"Thank you", I whisper, giving them all a look to show them just how much I mean it. They smile at me reassuring in return.
"Will you tell him?", Soph asks after a while.
I look at her confused.
"Adam. Will you tell Adam?", she clarifies. Everybody goes silent. They are all waiting for an answer from me.
"I don't know...No", I answer. Soph looks at me surprised. I only explain: "He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I doubt he'll want this baby." I take a deep breath. "And I want this baby. I'm keeping this baby. My child."
"Talk to him", it's all Soph says. "He might surprise you."
I remember then her boyfriend is his best friend/brother. "Can you please not tell Alec?" I can see it on her face how much it pains her to keep a secret from her boyfriend. "Please", I add.
"Fine", she gives up, seeing the pain in my eyes. "I won't tell Alec. Or Adam. But promise me you'll tell him about this before the baby is here", Soph adds. I am quick to shake my head. "Please", she adds, eyes begging.
I give up. "I will. Tell him. Somewhen before the baby is here."
Soph arms her arm around my shoulder in a hug. She squeezes me once to show me how thankful she is. And to show me she is there for me. All of them are.
"Thank you", I whisper, looking at them. "Thank you", I repeat, meaning every word. Tears on my face. Joy in my heart. I don't know where I'm going to end up or what the future holds, but at least I know I won't have to face it on my own. That I won't be lonely. And that even though I don't have any relatives left, this child won't grow without a family. For these four girls are my family.
"Just to be clear", April adds after some time we all were silent, "I get to be the cool auntie."
"What the heck, girl?!", Nini cuts her short. "I get to be the cool auntie."
"Stay in line", Soph adds with a smirk. Dia also smiles and lets out a chuckle.
It's then I know it. They'll all be the cool aunties.