The next morning, the doctor confirmed it: I was ten weeks pregnant. By now I was more coherent, but that didn't make the news any more devastating.
"What are we going to do?" I asked, unable to meet Grayson's eyes again. We sat on the couch, needing to talk but neither of us knowing what to say.
"I'll move," he blurted out. When I raised an eyebrow, he hastily explained, "I'll move to Arlington. That way when they grow up, they'll have their dad around. And we can switch weekends, or something, and I'll be able to run the company while you work at the hospital—"
"Whoa, you don't need to move," I said gently, stopping his idea in his tracks. "I'm perfectly capable of raising them on my own, okay? I got this."
Surprisingly, Grayson looked...hurt. "I mean, I'm sure you can, I just thought they might want to know their dad," he mumbled.
Okay...unexpected plot twist. "Um, okay," I said slowly. "Maybe...you could have them half the year and I could have them the other half?"
"Maybe." He didn't seem super thrilled with this idea. I wasn't either, but at this point I was willing to consider anything.
"And what are we going to do about citizenship?" I asked worriedly.
"It should be dual, at least until they're eighteen," Grayson said dismissively. "So that shouldn't be an issue, at least right away."
Suddenly I felt very overwhelmed. I curled up tight in my corner of the couch, hugging my knees. Grayson noticed and scooted closer, grabbing my hand and squeezing it hard enough that I could feel it.
"I'll stick with you, Jacks," he said, his eyes warm and concerned. "I promise. Through your pregnancy, through the hard years, through primary school, through their graduation, through all of it. I promise. I'm there for you, I'm there for them. Nothing can change that."
"Okay," I said, taking deep breaths. I knew he was serious. I knew he was in this with me.
"You're not facing any of this alone," Grayson murmured, hugging me again.
"That goes for you too," I whispered. "Maybe we're both freaking out, but I'm here, Grayson. You deserve to not know what to feel or to feel scared or anything."
"Thank you," he said, and I knew he took it to heart. I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned into his warmth, controlling my breathing.
"Are we telling anyone?" I asked.
"No," he said immediately, then winced. "I mean...maybe like, Kylie, Nina, and Clay. But we can't let mother find out and we can't let the press find out. Otherwise it'll be a nightmare."
"Right," I said meekly. I didn't need one more nightmare. "But they'll notice. I'll be six months along by the wedding. My dress won't fit."
Grayson grimaced. "Maybe we could find another dress that hides it?"
I nodded miserably. Even my dress, one of the few things I was enjoying about my wedding, was now being taken away from me. Grayson noticed my disappointment and hugged me harder, whispering, "I'm sorry."
"It's just a dress," I said with a quivering lip. "Not...not like something important."
"It was important to you," he said sadly.
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. What else do we need to think of?"
He didn't look satisfied with me brushing off the dress, but he went on to say, "I think that maybe around the beginning of April I should come stay with you, then maybe stick around for a few months afterwards."
"Why?" I asked through parched lips, not understanding.
"So I can help you when the baby's born," he explained.
"That's sweet, but I can do it," I said dejectedly.
Grayson shook his head again. "Jackie, it's my child too, and I won't let their mother try to take on having a newborn all by herself. There's a reason most babies have two parents, at least in the beginning."
Convincing him otherwise was hopeless, so I just sighed and nodded. "Fine."
We talked for the rest of the afternoon, although it felt more like strategizing for battle. We made lists and calendars and plans. Soon my head was swimming with dates and things to do. Grayson did most of the writing down, meaning I sat all alone on the couch, hugging a pillow tighter and tighter. Once it was dark out, I only heard about half the words he was saying to me.
"Jacks?" Suddenly he wasn't talking as much. I looked up, still feeling very much like a baby turtle in its shell having to face a huge river.
"Jacks, you okay? You look a little overwhelmed," Grayson said, finding both my hands and holding them.
Of course I'm overwhelmed! I wanted to scream. But I knew he meant that just in that moment, I was on the verge of having a meltdown. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I focused on holding Grayson's hands as I inhaled and exhaled.
"Sorry," I said, embarrassed.
"Nothing to be sorry for," he said softly, although his eyes were wide with concern.
Squeezing my own eyes shut so tight that it hurt, I asked, "Did you want kids?"
For a long time, he was quiet. Then finally I heard him whisper, "I don't know. Yes? Maybe? I don't know. I like kids, yes, and maybe I'd want my own, but my life isn't exactly cut out for kids. I'm going to work really hard to keep this from happening, but I feel like I'd be that dad that doesn't know his own kids and only sees them long enough to spoil them. I just never considered that I'd have the privilege to choose."
"You won't be that dad," I reassured him. Maybe I was freaking out about having a child, but Grayson really was the perfect candidate for a dad. "The baby will love you. You'll be amazing. I know you'd be the dad who plays silly games and reads bedtime stories in a funny voice."
His smile couldn't have been brighter. "You think?"
"I'm sure of it," I said, smiling up at him.
"You'll be an amazing mom, too," Grayson said softly, brushing my hair off my forehead. "You take such great care of people as it is. You're always paying attention to people's feelings, what they need. Maybe we're not actually together, but I'm really lucky my kid gets to have you as a mom."
For a second, I glowed with pride, but it faded as a thought entered my mind. "What are we going to tell it about us?" I asked quietly.
"What about us?" he asked, frowning.
"I'm pretty sure most parents don't live in separate countries and don't not love each other as obviously as we do," I pointed out. "And we've never loved each other."
Grayson looked stumped. "I don't know. We'll have to work it out, because surely they'll come home from school asking about it one day," he finally said.
"Where are they even going to school?" The questions just never seemed to end.
"Oh, I can hire a tutor," he said casually.
That was an unexpected luxury. "Okay. Sounds good," I said wearily. The subject probably deserved more thought, but for now it was a good enough answer.
He noticed my tone and stood up, shaking his ankles a little to get the blood flowing. We'd been sitting in the living room for six hours now, unable to continue on with our normal routines thanks to the news.
"Let's get you to bed," Grayson grunted as he scooped me up. "You've had too long of a day."
I nodded and clung to his neck as he carried me to his room and set me down. I was already in pajamas, as I hadn't had the energy nor will to get dressed again after changing after the doctor's appointment.
Grayson changed in the bathroom before heading off to the kitchen. Curious, I craned my neck to see where he went. He came back a moment later with a water bottle and a cookie. I notched an eyebrow and he simply said, "Bedtime snack."
"You don't have to be extra-nice, you know," I said–although I did take the cookie. "I can do things by myself."
"Just worried about you," he murmured. So I shrugged and munched on my cookie, waiting as he washed up in the bathroom.
"Ready to go to bed?" he asked, reaching for the lamp.
"Yeah. Goodnight," I sighed, turning away and pulling the blankets up.
Grayson surprised me again when he slipped his arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck in affection. He was spooning me, tucking me away in the curve of his body. I looked over my shoulder, asking, "You okay?"
"Just don't feel like letting go of you," he whispered thickly. "Either of you. If that's okay."
"It's okay," I said, feeling my throat close up. Both of us. He really was intent on taking care of both me and the baby. Intent on making me feel as safe and comfortable as possible.
I wasn't ready for any of this. But Grayson made it all a little less scary.