Sloans POV
He spoke to me. He spoke actual words. And it wasn't him calling me 'tiger' and he wasn't annoyed with me. It was a real conversation he was trying to have. It made my heartbeat at an incredible pace. It felt like electricity was buzzing through me and making me levitate.
And then he joked. He made a joke not about me, but to me. And I laughed...He even asked about Z, which slightly threw me off. And I wish he didn't because I was immediately flooded with guilt knowing he shouldn't have been asking me that.
What the fuck is going on?
And I was a dumb ass and couldn't think of anything to say back to him. I had dreamed of a moment like that for YEARS and I couldn't say anything. My mind went blank. I would literally spend hours upon hours having fake conversations in my head with him growing up. Having a list of questions to ask him to get to know him. And when given the opportunity...
I fucking choke.
Pathetic.
I could see the disappointment in his eyes, though he tried to hide it. But I saw he was upset I didn't say anything. It twisted my stomach and it made me want to throw up. On top of the fact that he was obviously in pain from the bruises. The bruises I caused. My head was hurting because of all the emotions I was feeling at the same time.
I'm pissed. And so is Loren.
'I'm more than pissed. I'm furious.'
I've fantasized and dreamed of conversations with Carter, here I was presented with the opportunity and I fumbled it. Badly.
Who knows if he will even try and talk to me again?
But what's even more strange is that he has yet to say anything about us being mates. I would have thought by now he would have rejected me, but maybe he is just waiting until the end of the week when he can be away from me.
'Or perhaps he has accepted us.' Loren tumbled out which surprised me.
Loren doesn't talk to me much, he usually responds with grunts, growls, and purrs. You know animal shit. So when he does talk, I listen.
But THIS...I couldn't listen to it. Because the moment I get comfortable he's going to drop the ball. And it's going to hurt badly. So badly.
We were now at my uncle Ray's barbershop and it was bustling. I sat in the corner and I just watched. I already got my cut and I was waiting on my pops to finish his trim and Carter. But I didn't mind waiting. It gave me time to ogle Carter and watch him. He was so pretty sometimes. But in the most masculine way and I wanted nothing more than to worship him.
To dose him in praise and tell him how amazing he was. It was weird, but I felt this deep urge to hold him close to me...and cuddle. I don't know, I've never been one to cuddle but something about Carter made me want to protect him. I didn't quite understand it, but from a young age, I felt like he needed it.
I failed in that aspect. I left for two years like a coward, but now that I am back..that feeling has intensified. Sure, sex was something I wanted. I mean, of course, it was something I wanted. He was fucking glorious and I knew it would be the best thing I've ever experienced in my life. But somehow I knew deep down, that it would be more than sex. It would be...I don't know yet.
I just wanted Carter.
Not for what his body provided, and not even for what he provided. But him.
There was something about him that made him so special to me. Even before I knew we were mates. My mates just confirmed what I already knew and already felt since I was a kid.
That Carter was fucking special.
And if given the chance I'd show him. I'd show him just how special he was. But I'm afraid that I'll never have that chance.
My eyes were glued to Carter because why would I look at anything else? It was hard not looking at him earlier, especially when he was wearing his durag. I loved it when he wore it. He looked so good. He was pretty much done with his cut and it was insane how much a haircut can change a man. He sat in the chair on the opposite side and was unable to see me the way he was facing so I was able to just sit and stare. Stare at my gorgeous mate.
I shouldn't eavesdrop but I do. I blame it on my super duper hearing. Yeah, that's it. Not the fact I want to know if he would talk about me or not. To my uncle. Pathetic. But here I was still doing it.
"You doing okay kid?" Uncle Ray asked, his deep voice bringing me immense comfort.
"I'm doing how I'm doing." I'll never get used to how wonderful his voice is. There was a light in it, a brightness that warmed me, that made me realize that this life was beautiful. I saw Carter's shoulder sag and I heard a sadness in his tone. Even in the brightness, there was always this deep sadness that reverberated in my soul.
It was like a knock almost to let me know that something was wrong. That there was a deepness, a side to Carter that I was missing, and I ached to know what it was and how to fix it. But I didn't even know where to begin to figure that out. And would Carter even tell me? No. No, he wouldn't.
"Come on, you know better. Give me more than that." Ray slightly chuckled but there was a certain tone to his voice that showed he was serious and cared.
"Shit is regular. I don't know. Nothing new under the Sun." Again that loud knock was there and present.
"So what you're saying is things are still shit with your dads and Sean?"
Carter just shrugged and I could see his eyes started to get red. My stomach churned at the sight. The knock was loud and menacing. I knew that Carter and Sean never got along. That was obvious and I never understood why. That was something that Sean kept from me and I considered us best friends. We tell each other almost everything. Well, except I never told him about the massive crush I've had on Carter since I was fucking born. But I'm sure it was obvious.
I also could feel and see the distance between Carter and his dads. It was like a rip and it was deep and wide and there was no way of fixing it. I had always wondered and when I was a kid I let my curiosity get the best of me and I asked my pops one day about it.
We love Carter. Carter will always have us.
I still don't understand to this day why he said that, but it's not like he was wrong. I do love Carter, and Carter will always have me.
"Yeah but what can you do? It is what it is." His eyes were low now and he let out a short sniffle as he tried to fight back tears.
"Nah, you gotta tell them how you feel. You gotta try and make the relationship better you know." There goes Ray, being the fixer that he is. But I can't shake the feeling that there is more than that. So much more. And I itched to find the cause of it because once I did, I'd kill it. Whatever it was. It would be dead.
But I knew deep down that'd never happen. I'm just in a waiting game of his rejection...
"There's no fixing this, Ray. Everything is shit. And it's my fault." He let out a defeated sigh and it broke my heart. I had never seen Carter so vulnerable before, though it wasn't much, it was something. More than I have ever seen Carter give anyone.
"It's not your fault kid. I promise. I'm sure if you just talk to them—"
"I found my mate." Carter blurted out and it caused me to still. But I knew he was saying it to get Ray to stop talking about his parents not because it was exciting news. Carter was a pro at deflection. Something I've learned over the years. Ray knew too as he sighed deeply and nodded to himself.
"Oh? And you like them?" The question caused Loren and I to perk up. I awaited the answer hoping it was something not bad. I wasn't expecting his praises but I was hoping it at least wasn't insults.
"Well I—" My phone started ringing loudly in my pocket. Which made me unfocus on the conversation. I pulled it out and a giant Z was flashing on the screen and I inwardly groaned. Carter and Ray were still talking and I knew I missed it. For all I know he could be telling my uncle he is gonna reject me. Any sliver of hope I had left was now gone. And it was my fault.
I reluctantly stood up and gave Carter one last look as Uncle Ray finished up walked outside and answered the phone.
"Hey!" His voice flooded the speaker, his voice was nothing like Carter's. It wasn't raspy, it wasn't sunshine. It wasn't going to drop me to my knees. No, it was just a voice. But it was a voice I promised to mate when Carter rejected me.
How could I think anyone or anything could replace what Carter is?
"Hey." I sighed, trying to feel the excitement.
"You were gone before I woke up. Sean said he hadn't seen you either." I could see Z's pouty face. He pokes his bottom lip out and scrunches his eyebrows.
"Yeah, I left with my dad to go to the barbershop and get a cut." I made sure to leave out the part where I only came because I wanted to be in the same vicinity as Carter as long as I could.
"Oh. Okay." There was a pause. A long pause. He was fucking thinking. That's not a good thing, because I know what comes next. "Is he with you too?"
DING. DING. DING.
I wanted to hang up and end the conversation but I can't do that. That would be rude and my dad would never let me hear the end of it. He would cuss me out in Italian and then make me cook dinner for everyone for a week. And my siblings are very particular beings. If they are not cooked in the right way all I'd hear are complaints. And Mickayas complaining equals my living hell.
"Yeah, but you have nothing to worry about. Nothing is happening between us." As soon as the words left my mouth I felt dirty. Severely dirty. I didn't want the words to be true, matter fact I still had a weird deep hope that it wasn't. I wanted it to be the opposite. But that's not reality.
"Are you sure?" Z almost sounded hopeful...it twisted my insides in the absolute worst ways.
"Yes Z. I promise. Nothing is happening--" I sighed the words on the edge of my tongue, and a knife to my heart. But the truth fucking hurts. "And there won't be," I whispered and ran my hands over my head. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Disappointment and sadness making their way to me yet again. I slowly turned around and what I saw made me go stiff.
There was a beautiful set of green eyes staring back at me. And my brain short-circulated. I didn't hear him come out. Fuck, FUCK. What had he heard? All of it? Fucking hell. His face was void of emotion but everything was in his eyes. Hurt, pain, confusion.
He had heard everything I had just said. Every single dirty word.
Loren let out a deep and wild roar that shook my insides. I know for a fact that if Loren could kill me, he would.
I'd let him in a heartbeat.
"Teddy?" Z spoke and I could see that Carter heard it. His eyes flickered to the phone, but no emotion showed. But he stood unmoving. I don't even know if he was breathing.
This was fucking terrifying.
"Uhh—I got to go." I stuttered out, finally coming back into my body. I didn't wait for Z to say anything back. I just hung up. My mouth was dry, my brain was empty and I was searching to find words. Something. Anything.
I needed to fix this.
"Ca—" I could barely get the word out before my pops walked out with a smile on his face. He had no idea he just walked into a fucking warzone and I was getting my ass beat.
"Alright let's go boys. Lunchtime with the fam."
I stayed still but Carter turned quickly and followed my pops. Without a word. If there's one thing I've learned is that a quiet Carter...is a scary Carter. Is an uncharted territory Carter.
"Come on kid! Move it!" Pops yelled back at me. I guess I hadn't started moving yet. I should probably do that.
Carter's face held nothing but blankness. His usual look of annoyance was nowhere to be found. instead, it was nothing. It was obvious at this moment that he was Dieter's son. I couldn't get a read on him. And the longer we were in the car the worse my anxiety got. What do I do? Do I do anything? What would I say that could fix this?
I was a fucking idiot. I just nailed my coffin shut.
Surely he was going to reject me now.
'You've ruined everything.'
****
We walked into the house and Pops had us walk right to the dining room. Dad had gone all out with the food as usual. It was loud and chaotic and everyone was all around waiting to eat.
But there was a weird and thick tension still. Carter hadn't said a word. A fucking word. My pops had tried talking to him a few times but nothing. Just a grunt or a head nod. But after a while, my pops could tell he wasn't in the mood. I saw him time and time again look over at him and there was pain in my pops eyes. He knew something. He suspected it was something else but whatever it was my pops knew.
I tried my best to look happy but my eyes stayed glued to Carter as we walked in. Ezra walked up to him with a smile and I knew if anyone could make him happy it was him. And I hated my brother for that simple fact. But I waited and nothing. Ezra looked confused and worried at the same time. I wonder if he'd be able to get him to open up.
Z locked eyes with me and ran up to me. Pulling me into a hug which I didn't return in case Carter was watching.
He wasn't.
He walked past head low and sat in his usual chair. I just needed him to look at me one time. To see that I was sorry and I didn't mean what I said. That I would never mean what I said. Carter was the fucking love of my life, and I'd do anything for him.
Anything.
Z looked up at me with confusion but shook it off. Though his smile did falter for a second and I can see him starting to think yet again. I was going to get pestered with questions later. Sean walked over and clapped my shoulders with a big smile.
"Dude, I have so much to tell you." I couldn't focus too much on whatever it was. My eyes were still glued to Carter. He winced as he sat down in the chair. The bruises must still be there then. Too many emotions started to rise in me. I kept hurting him. And I don't even realize that I'm doing it. But here I am.
He doesn't deserve that.
"Everyone come sit!" My dad yelled and we all listened. Except this time I sat across from Carter in my assigned chair. I wanted it to be nearly impossible for him to not look at me. Flo was looking over at me with a strange look. I knew she could tell something was up with me. She always could. I still had yet to talk to her about dinner last night. I know she'd lose her shit the moment she'd find out.
Ezra went and sat down by Carter and asked him a quick question but Carter responded with a shrug. Fuck, I hate this. I hate this so much.
"I missed you," Z whispered as he leaned into my ear. His voice was like nails on a chalkboard. And I swear I thought I saw Carter wince at the words. Loren was in my ear telling me I needed to kill him in front of Carter and have it be a peace offering. He's so graphic sometimes.
I cleared my throat and offered him a smile. But that's all. I didn't want to say anything else that would make things worse. If they even could get worse. Plus I didn't miss him. I didn't think about him once while I was gone. Carter had my full attention and I was more than okay with that.
Dad set the final plate and everyone began to dig in once he sat down. All except Carter. He had put his durag back on and his hood was up. He sat with his arms crossed and stared at the empty plate. Which in itself is strange because Carter always eats. Addi looked over at him with worried eyes but didn't say anything. Ezra had taken notice and instead, he grabbed his plate and filled it up with food. Deep-rooted jealousy began to sprout in my body as I watched. That was what I should have been doing.
Taking care of MY mate.
But at least someone was...
I looked around to see if anyone else noticed his behavior but not even his dads looked his way. And Sean was too busy talking Z's ear off and hadn't even looked at his brother. It pissed me off like no other. Did no one see that he wasn't okay? Or did they and did they just not care?
We all started eating and I barely joined the conversation. I was too worried about Carter and his quietness. It was scaring me even more the longer it went on.
I should say something but the words were stuck in my throat. It wasn't helping that Z kept finding ways to touch me. Each time he did, I felt like I wanted to throw up. My skin burned and I wanted nothing more than to come out of my body.
I shouldn't have brought him here.
I wanted to pull myself away from him, but what really caught me off was when Z leaned forward and pressed a kiss on my cheek. And of course, it was the same moment Carter lifted his eyes to eat food. Which he immediately put down. I went stiff as Z finally pulled away and Carter and I just stared at each other. Nothing but sadness was swimming in his eyes.
Because of me. Yet again.
Loren was freaking the fuck out. Clawing his way out or trying to. But I did my best to keep him at bay. I would hate to have my family witness Loren's murder attempt on me. For a moment I saw Carter's eyes water. Or I thought. I don't know but it was gone before I could see it.
He pushed his chair back and it scraped the floor which caused the room the fall silent. Of course, now everyone was looking at him. His eyes faced the low and his arms were still crossed over his chest.
"Please, excuse me." His voice was firm and held no emotion. He pushed his chair back in and walked away. But he didn't go upstairs. Nope, he walked right out the front door. The sound of the closing door ricocheted through the big house and the further he walked away the more my heart ripped.
It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. All of us to scared to say a word.
"Okay, is anyone else freaked the fuck out? Not only did he say please but fucking excuse me. When have you ever heard Carter say those words?" Ezra broke the silence first, worry evident in his eyes.
It should be me asking that.
"He's fine, he's just being dramatic for attention," Sean spoke nonchalantly not even stopping shoving his mouth with food for a moment. I wanted to strangle him. Downplaying Carter and his feelings makes me sick.
"Don't worry about it, he just gets like this." Uncle Crispin said which angered me more. But it also raised questions. Was this what Carter and my uncle talking about at the shop? This weird dynamic between them? Is this what Pops hinted to when he said Carter will always have us?
All I knew was this wasn't like Carter at all. This was different.
This was because of me. And I had a feeling it was something else, something much deeper and it scarred him. They obviously didn't know him as much as they thought because they would have recognized it.
"Where is he going?" I asked, debating whether or not I should go after him. If not me then someone else. I kept looking back at the front door hoping he'd come back in but he didn't. I could feel him going farther and farther away.
"I think I know. He'll be fine. I promise." My pops spoke up to try and soothe me. But I could see it on his face he was just as worried.
But Carter...he wasn't fine.
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ONE MORE? OMG??? HEHEHEHE I MUST LOVE YOU GUYS I SWEAR! This chapter was HELLA long. I have a feeling this is going to be a long book lol.
Poor baby Carter. I love Carter so much I really do. Also, I love Sloan. He is like a perfect mix of Koa and Tino's personality.
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Thoughts on Z?
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Until the next...