After our third day at the congress, nagpasya naman kami ngayon na mamasyal sa Wright park. Calyx wanted to see horses and if given the chance, he would like to ride one too.
"Ako na lang ang sasama sayo, okay." Akmang kukunin ko ang kamay niya pero kaagad niya itong tinago sa likod nito.
My brows automatically furrowed with his action.
"No, Mama. Gusto ko po si Boss." Mahina nitong sambit.
Napantig ang pandinig ko sa sagot niya. I squatted in front of him as his shy eyes avoided my gaze.
"What is it again, baby?" I just wanted to confirm if I am hearing things right.
Nanlaki ang mga mata niya sa akin. "Mama…" Ungot niya.
I can't help but smile. "I just didn't hear it well, baby."
He then looked at Gaston who is now helping Auntie with the plants. Then his eyes went back shyly at me.
"Gusto ko po si Boss kasama ko." He uttered smally again.
Tuluyan akong napangiti ng malawak sa sagot niya. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at naglakad kami sa pwesto nila.
Kaagad kaming napansin ni Gaston na palapit sa pwesto nila.
"Is there any problem?" Tumingin ito kay Calyx na mukhang nahihiya pa rin.
Kaagad akong umiling at ngumiti. "Calyx wanted to ride one of the horses, at ikaw ang gusto niyang kasama."
Kitang-kita ko ang pamimilog ng mga mata niya. "Ohhh...sure sure. Let's go buddy."
Gaston reached out his hands to him and Calyx quickly grabbed it. Calyx even pulled his hands.
"Faster, Boss. Baka mahuli tayo." I watched him drag Gaston. I heard him chuckle and I can't help but smile too.
Pinuntahan ko si Auntie na kasalukuyang pumipili pa rin ng mga halaman na bibilhin habang kausap ang nagbebenta nito.
"Auntie, pahawak po muna ng bag ko. Comfort room lang po ako." Singit ko sa usapan nila.
Kaagad naman niya itong kinuha sa akin. At muling nabalik ang tingin sa mga halaman.
I was looking for a comfort kanina pa at may nakita naman ako. Maraming turista kaya may pila rin, pero hindi naman ganun kahaba.
Malapit na ako sa huling pila ng bigla akong may nabunggo. Naramdaman ko ang pagtama ng pang upo ko sa semento. Napapikit ako ng maramdaman ang sakit nito.
"Ohhh...Sorry, Miss." Kaagad kong naramdaman ang pag hawak niya sa dalawang kamay ko upang tuluyan akong mapatayo.
"Are you--- Carmella?!" Gulat nitong tanong habang tinutulungan akong tumayo.
Tuluyan kong namulat ang mga mata ko tumingin sa taong nakabunggo ko sa akin. My mouth was hung open as soon as I recognized him.
"Doc. Sanchez…" Mahinang sambit ko.
Kaagad siyang ngumiti ng malawak sa akin habang nanatiling awang ang mga labi ko sa kanya.
"How are you Carmella? It's been a long time." Masayang sambit nito.
He still looked the same. He still looked friendly, and with his light smile and aura. Hindi na ako nagtaka na isa nga siyang doktor.
"Anong ginagawa mo dito, Doc?" Gulat ko pa ring tanong.
"There is a convention happened yesterday...nag extend lang ako ng ilang araw para makapamasyal."
His bright smile brought me back to the times when I was still under his wing. Noong nagpapagaling pa ako. He was my counselling psychologist.
"How was your Auntie and Calyx?" Sunod ulit nitong tanong.
Napatikhim ako. "They are fine. Kasama ko sila ngayon...dito sa Baguio."
He nodded at me. "I thought you would be here as well, 'cause there is a congress for electrical engineers too."
"Ummm...oo, sinama ako ng Boss namin." Tipid kong sagot.
He was my therapist but I wasn't able to open up to him completely. At hindi ko mapigilang maguilty kapag naiisip ko iyon. That is why I was hesitant to meet him in the first place.
I wasn't honest with him. And for that, I break the number rule of my sessions. He was patient with me, and he did his best to help me.
And I knew that he knew it. That I am still hiding something.
Tumingin ako sa kinaroroonan nina Auntie at nandon pa rin naman siya. I looked at him again.
"You are still working under Esquivel's wing?"
Naestatwa ako ng banggitin niya ang pangalan ni Gaston. Hindi ko maiwasang mapalunok ng malalim.
"Oo…" Tipid ko ulit na sagot.
I had sessons with him. And with all of it, I never mentioned Gaston. He was my secret.
Pakiramdam ko sobrang pribadong parteng iyon ng buhay ko. I never wanted to share what really happened between us. Pati kina Auntie ay naging mailap ako kapag pinag uusapan si Gaston. And Ina was there, mas marami siyang alam.
I would consider Gaston as the first person who really taught me to heal on my own. Siya ang taong unang nagturo sa akin kung paano pahalagahan at mahalin ang sarili ko. And for some reason, I never mentioned him during my therapies. I never mentioned him that he was part of my life.
Gaston was my safe place.
Tumango siya. "Ummm...The CEO is Gaston Esquivel, right?" Kuryoso niyang tanong.
"Oo…"
I saw his eyes widened a bit. "Oh! I would like to officially meet him! But he has chosen to attend the conference for engineers instead. Maybe one day." Dismayadong sambit nito.
Kaagad na kumunot ang noo ko sa mga sinabi niya. "What's his connection with the congress for counselling psychologists?"
Mahina siyang tumawa sa tanong ko. "You didn't know?" Manghang tanong nito.
Kaagad na rumagasa ng kaba sa dibdib ko sa tanong niya. Anong kinalaman ni Gaston doon? Naguguluhan ko siyang tiningnan.
I shook my head slowly at him and he stopped laughing.
"Hmmm, how should I say this? He is one of the most in demand psychologists, I guessed?" Muli siyang tumawa ng mahina. "But he is very busy right now with his company, he is the CEO and yet he still manages to take some clients too? Isn't it unbelievable?"
Tuluyan akong napasinghap sa mga sinabi niya.
I didn't have a single idea on that one! At kailan pa? I thought he would pursue industrial engineering after electrical?
Nanginig ang kalamnan ko sa nalaman. My lips even quivered.
Why? Why did he change his ambition? Why did he pursue psychology instead? He was so clear about it! He wanted to pursue industrial engineering.
"Carmella, are you fine?"
"Ha?" Nabalik ang tingin ko kay Doc. Sanchez.
He looked at me with concern in his eyes. "Are you fine? Namumutla ka?"
Napalunok ako ng malalim at pilit na ngumiti. "I-Im fine, Doc...ummm mauuna na ako. Baka kanina pa ako hinihintay nina Auntie."
"Doc. Sanchez. Tara na!" I even heard his colleague calling him.
Hindi ko na hinintay ang sagot niya at kaagad akong umalis sa harapan niya. I was feeling light headed as I walked towards the unknown.
My head was suddenly full and I couldn't process things properly. Pakiramdam ko bigla akong nawala sa sarili ko.
"Aray, Miss...tumingin ka naman sa dinadaanan mo!"
Tumingin ako sa likod ko at nakita ang isang ginang na pinupulot na ang laman ng bag niya.
"P-pasensya na po." Dali-dali ko soyang dinaluhan. My hands were shaking as I helped her gather her things.
"Okay ka lang ba, Miss? Maputla ka. Merong medical team sa harap at gitna." May concerned sa tono nito.
Pilit akong ngumiti sa kanya pagkatapos namin makuha lahat ng gamit niya.
"Okay lang po…" She looked at me weirdly as she walked away.
"Maganda sana….pero para wala sa sarili." I even heard her murmur to herself as she walked away from me.
I closed my eyes tightly as I put my palm on my forehead. Kagad akong umupo sa may pinakamalapit na bench. I breathed in deeply, akmang iinum ako ng tubig ng malala kong hindi ko hawak ang bag ko.
I've tried finding Auntie but my eyes instead caught them. Kaagad kong naramdaman ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko ng makita silang nagtatawanan ni Calyx. Gaston was holding the horse while Calyx was already riding it.
I looked at him as he smiled widely at Calyx.
Napangiti ako ng mapait. My gut and feeling are already telling me something. Dahil...kung ako ang dahilan kung bakit hindi niya tinuloy ang pangarap niya ay baka…
Ganun ba siya kasigurado sa akin? Dahil bakit? I felt so small again. To what he could give and sacrifice...and comparing it to mine. Walang-wala ako maibibigay sa kanya. Walang-wala akong maisasakripisyo sa kanya.
Naramdaman ko ang pagpatak ng luha ko at kaagad ko itong pinunasan.
I could feel my heart swelling with too much pain. Dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nagawa niya lahat ng ito, kung tama ang kutob at nararamdaman ko ngayon.
He loves so freely. Walang hinihintay na anumang kapalit. While my love was caged. Takot humarap at ayaw magparamdam. And it hurt me.
"Mella, nak. Tapos ka na sa banyo?" Kaagad kong inayos ang sarili ko ng marinig ko si Auntie.
I looked at my side and she was right now beside me as she fixed the recycled bag with her plants.
"O-opo. Katatapos ko lang po. Ito na po ang mga nabili niyo?" Sinubukan kon patatagin ang boses ko.
"Oo. Sana lang hindi mamatay pagdating natin sa La Union. Magkaibang-magkaiba pa naman temperatura natin sa baba." She ranted.
Nagpakawala ako ng pilit na ngiti. "Hindi naman siguro, Auntie."
"Bantayan mo muna to saglit ko at kukunin ko pa ang iba." She then walked away from me. I looked at her back and I can't help myself again but smile bitterly.
Muli akong nagpakawala ng malalim na hininga. I looked at him and Calyx again. They were both laughing, I could almost hear their laughters from here.
I didn't know that seeing him this way could hurt me this much.
"Ladies and gentlemen, may we hand this award to Mr. Gaston Lynx Esquivel."
The people loudly clapped for him as he stood up from his seat. I looked up to him too and smiled a little bit.
He bowed a little bit to the audience who were clapping and then he looked at me. Nagulat na lamang ako ng dumukwang siya at patakan ako ng magaang halik sa noo.
The loud cheers of the people disappeared from my sense of hearing as he smiled at me after. Natulala ako sa kanya hanggang sa paakyat na siya sa stage.
I looked at him and my heart that was already beating so hard and fast, became louder and faster this time. Napahawak ako sa bandang dibdib ko at dinama ang marahas na pagtibok nito.
He looked at me from stage as they handed the award for him after his excellent speech. Kanina pa ako natutulala sa kanya at magpahanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa ring maiwasan mamangna sa kanya.
They took a photo of him as he received his award. Muli akong napangiti ng mapait.
I wanted to talk to him… I badly wanted too...pero hindi ko ring maiwasang makaramdam ng takot. Maybe because I am afraid that...I was right.
The day was finished at kapwa na kami ngayong pauwi sa hotel namin. This time, Auntie and Calyx has already eaten. Kami na lang ang kakain mamaya sa resto ng hotel.
He pulled a chair for me. Kaagad naman akong umupo at kinuha ang menu. We ordered our menu first. Nang mawala na ang waiter sa harapan namin at dali-dali siyang umalis sa pwesto niya.
I looked at him as he pulled the chair besides me.
"We are not with Calyx and Auntie today…" He grinned at me.
Kaagad na napunta ang kamay niya sa hita ko. The heat of his palm can still be felt despite my skirt.
I raised my brows at him and he just shrugged his shoulders off. Napahinga ako ng malalim dahil alam kong wala na naman akong magagawa.
I looked at his hands on my thigh. I put my hands on top of his and he quickly intertwined our fingers. He then lifted it up and kissed the back of my hand.
"I am free to do this today." Muli siyang ngumisi ng nakakaloko sa akin.
Lumamlam ang mga mata ko sa kanya. "Ummm...okay pa rin ba sayo na ganito tayo ngayon, hindi ko pa nasasabi kina Auntie."
He then kissed the back of my hand again. "It's fine with me. I know that I already rushed you with this relationship." Marahan niyang paliwanag.
Hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti sa sagot niya. Pero kalaunan ay umiwas siya ng tingin.
"And you didn't say that you...love me yet…" Mahinang sambit nito.
I gasped at him...kaagad ko ring iniwas ang tingin ko sa kanya. We are not facing each other but his hands remain intertwined. Ramdam ko ang pamumula ng mukha ko.
I am quite guilty on this one. I am aware that I haven't told him those words yet.
How should I explained it. Hindi ako sanay? Kay Calyx lang naman ako sanay magsabi nang mga salitang iyon. And I even barely sat it to Uncle and Auntie. Hindi ako sanay.
We are the complete opposite. 'Cause he is very vocal with his feelings. At alam ko sa sarili ko iyon.
Tumikhim ako habang iwas pa rin ang tingin. "H-hindi pa ba sapat na...girlfriend mo na ako ngayon?" I am not sure if I am asking him the right question.
Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng kamay niya sa akin.
"Of course...but I am deeply in love with you...and it would be great to hear that you...l-ove me back even...if it's once in a while." He bravely confessed this time. Naramdaman ko ang determinado niyang mga mata na nakatutok sa akin.
I looked back at him too and swallowed hard. I could feel my chest rumbling as I looked at his determined eyes.
I could do this. He is not just a physical person, he is very vocal too.
Huminga ako ng malalim. "Then...I am in love with you too." Mahinang sambit ko.
Sa isang iglap ay naramandaman ko ang mga labi niya sa akin. His hands caressed my cheeks softly as he kissed me deeply but slowly in the lips. I tried kissing him back with the same intensity and I heard him groaned.
Unti-unti ay tumigil siya sa paghalik. I was breathing heavily as he we stayed closed to each other, habang normal lang paghinga niya.
"You made me very happy, baby." He gave me his sweet smile.
"I am in love with you, Gaston." Ulit ko sa marahang paraan.
Pumikit siya nga mariin habang kagat ang pang ibabang labi. He then grabbed my one hand and put it in his chest. Namilog ang mata ko ng maramdaman ko ang pamilyar na rahas ng tibok ng puso nito. Parang nang akin rin.
"I am crazy for you, baby."