Chapter 51 : Convenience
Ruhaani's eyes slowly opened at the unusual discomfort. She had tried to turn to her other side but something was holding her in place. She blinked listlessly trying to sink in her situation.
Her arm was comfortably placed on Aadarsh's chest, while his was curled around her waist, her head was rested on the pillow quite close to his shoulder. With her forehead almost touching his shoulder.
Slowly the happenings of the previous night pieced themselves back in chronological order.
Aadarsh venting out his pain. Their hug. And how shortly after the long hug, they had silently gotten to their respective sides of the bed. It had all been awkward but none regretted it. They had held hands, there was no pillow acting like a wall between them. Eventually, they had ended up hugging each other while drifting to sleep.
Ruhaani closed her eyes, and took in deep breaths. She liked the feel of his arm around her. It wasn't the most comfortable thing, yet it was oddly satisfying. It felt like having someone care for her, genuinely.
Her mind abruptly paused that line of thought and dragged her to reality. Every time she and Aadarsh had an uncomfortable or unforeseen conversation that made them see the ugly parts of each other or of their relationship, Aadarsh went into his avoidance mode.
She opened her eyes slowly and tilted her head looking up at his face. This closeness was everything she had been craving for. She felt closer to him both emotionally and physically.
Her heart sunk a little bit as her mind reminded her it wouldn't last. It would be gone the minute he was awake.
Her gaze drifted down to his muscular arm around her, it then flew to her own that was on his chest, near his heart. So much near his heart and yet so much far. She gently withdrew that hand back. Using her hands she removed his arm from around her. She sat up freed from his hold, her gaze looking at him longingly.
She wasn't like this before. She hated being like this. She disliked how she pinned for him despite everything. However last night, after seeing how much pain he hid inside himself, she didn't feel sorry. Somewhere inside that big strong man was a small weak boy who was waiting for someone to come around and show him that he was still loved.
It didn't help that she knew exactly how Aadarsh might have felt from her own experience. Being unloved was a very bitter feeling. She knew that feeling, because somewhere deep down inside her that feeling was hidden. The feeling that lashed out in the form of bitter words, angry accusations and pathetic cries last night.
She wanted to be loved too.
Only that he did not see that, he did not love her.
Gosh, she wanted to kiss that face and slap it at the same time. Aadarsh Sehgal had not only grown on her wildly, he had also gotten permanently under skin.
She hated that she loved him and yet was grateful she managed to love him despite everything. Additionally, she also liked that she still hated him for what he put her through which meant she still loved herself.
This couldn't get more complicated, could it?
She gave him one last look before deciding to get off the bed and take control of her life again. Perhaps the drink yesterday had really influenced her stupid emotions. She had so pathetically, although indirectly, begged him to say words she wanted to hear. What a bloody mess!
To make things worse, she was almost sure he would wake up and ignore her. She had just come back from being away from him for four whole days. One day together and things between them had boiled over and exploded. How was this a freaking normal marriage? This was the recipe for a perfect disaster and insanity.
She scowled at his sleeping face. He was sleeping so damn peacefully while she was a complete wreck. It felt like a storm had raged in and ruined everything inside her. Yet, her stupid stupid heart urged her to place a chaste kiss on his forehead. And she did exactly that.
***
Aadarsh had woken up after ten. His sleep cycle among other things in his life was out of his control. Fortunately, he was alone in the room when he woke up. It gave him the much needed private space and time to nurse the ache in his shoulder, neck and head. His eyelids tingled and itched at spots, reminding him of last night when he had cried.
He had fucking cried! Worse— right into the arms of the woman he was supposed to be away from, both physically and emotionally.
He got off the bed agitated. He had laid bare his emotions before her. He had showed her those parts of himself that he hadn't even shown to Abhi, the person he was closest to. He had shared his deepest scars with her. Also, he had made a fucking idiot out of himself.
How was he ever going to survive this? She'd never leave it alone. She'd try to fix it. She was after all so fond of sorting out others lives.
Still worse, she would start pitying him. She would make him talk about it, admit it and face it. Oh Dear God, she wasn't going to let the night slide into oblivion. He walked through the closet to the bathroom. He should have just driven off somewhere last night instead of coming back to the room.
Yet, he knew if he got to go back to the night and make the choice again, he would do exactly the same, come to the room, come to her. She had needed him yesterday. If he hadn't returned to the room, she would have tormented herself with all those plaguing thoughts all night, hurting herself miserably in the process.
He leaned at the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He wasn't supposed to think about her. Then why was he doing nothing but just that? Why was it so hard to stop himself now? It had become harder than before.
He closed his eyes momentarily, reminiscing the last night. Her hand gently touching his face as they slept facing each other. But the highlight had to be the hug. She had hugged him like... she knew he needed an anchor.
She had been his anchor last night, preventing him from being carried away by a merciless storm. Somehow, his own pain hadn't felt unbearable last night. He hadn't felt like he was trapped in a dark room, out of reach of humanity.
He had felt safe. He felt lighter. Like he had been through a nightmare but woken up just in time to realize that it was not real.
He blinked, shaking his head to get his thoughts out. He splashed cold water onto his face.
***
A while later, Aadarsh had gotten ready for the day and arrived at dining table. His eyes were continually searching for her. It was strange he wanted to see her and not see her too.
See her to make sure, she was okay, that she didn't have more dumb ways in mind to hurt herself.
Not see her, because the last thing he wanted to see in her eyes for him was pity. Like he was some sort of broken man or a tortured human being. Worse, he didn't want her to think he was weak.
There was no way he could avoid her after last night. Avoiding her would be the most foolish thing to do. She would come back at him hundred times stronger. Every time she came back at him, they somehow became closer.
Like last night.
"Good morning, Chote Saab!"
He turned to the source of the voice. Dai Jaan brought him a cup of steaming milk tea.
"Morning Dai Jaan," he mumbled.
"How is the headache? Ruhaani said you had a nasty one last night."
"Headache." He repeated thoughtfully. "Yaa, nasty headache. Where is s... are the kids?"
"Kids are out in the garden. It's a bright sunny morning."
"And Ruhaani?" He asked when she didn't mention her whereabouts.
"With them." Dai Jaan smiled.
He nodded and settled on the chair to have his tea. He enjoyed the strong ginger tea, in silence.
Minutes later Dai Jaan appeared out of the kitchen with a plate of freshly made aloo parathas.
"Parathas again today?" He quizzed as she placed the plate before him. Only yesterday, paneer parathas were there for breakfast. It was unusual to have parathas for breakfast two days in a row.
"Yeah, only for you. Ruhaani told me to make aloo parathas for you. She said, you wanted to have them yesterday."
He nodded with a small smile. He was almost sure Ruhaani knew that aloo parathas were his favorite. Especially the ones his mother used to make. It couldn't be a coincidence, she specifically asked Dai Jaan to make those for him this morning.
"Where's Abhi by the way?" He asked. He was aware that Ashvi had to be in college which is why he had asked the driver to come in the morning to take her. However he wasn't sure about his brother.
"Sleeping," Dai Jaan said, ready to walk away.
"What time did he come in?"
There was a short silence as Dai Jaan hesitantly turned around. "His friend dropped him in the wee hours of the morning."
"He was drunk, wasn't he?" Aadarsh asked in a clipped tone.
"He was uh, sleepy."
Aadarsh stared at her.
"Yes, he was reeking of alcohol but he was sleepy more than drunk. You didn't hear from me." Dai Jaan spoke.
Aadarsh pressed his lips together, nodding. He was beginning to get worried about Abhi. Off late Abhi was getting drunk way too often on weekends. He had to figure out who these new friends were. His college bunch comprised of decent fellas. He couldn't say the same about this new group of guys he had met and bonded with over a organized trek to some peak in Uttrakhand. He made a mental note to ask Devashish to find out more. He was the best person for the job. He had to also give that man an ultimatum warning him about keeping away from his wife. Charming, his foot!
Post-breakfast Aadarsh decided to go and look at what the others were up to. Shelly Bua was off for her month long trip to Goa. Ashvi to office and Abhi probably still sleeping off his hangover. The house was surprisingly silent on a Saturday.
Fortunately, he had reminders set for most scheduled events, which is why he was saved from forgetting Ruhaani's dental clinic visit. He wanted to skip it this week. Spending time alone with her didn't seem like a good idea at this time. He dreaded it. It could blow up in hundred different ways.
Nevertheless he couldn't do that. Ruhaani was really having a hard time with the toothache. Although she didn't say it aloud, it was evident from how she winced every time she ate something hard or crunchy from the affected side or ate something that was very hot.
He walked out into he porch and then turned to the left towards the lawn. He was surprised to find both Ruhaani and Nirvan on the grass. They were both seated on the grass gardening. Ruhaani was consciously making efforts to make the kids vacation fun and device free.
He silently stood, watching them as they went about in comfortable silence. Only talking when they had to coordinate. He had a view of their side profiles from a distance.
He wanted to go back in. Suddenly facing Ruhaani made him nervous. The flashes of the night came back strongly. However he didn't want to make it awkward between them again. He didn't want to upset her. She seemed enough upset yesterday. Last of all, he didn't want her to go back to her uncle's place with some excuse again.
"Good morning!" He said, approaching them after some internal debate.
"Good morning, Bhaiya!" Nirvan wished him back promptly.
"Good morning," Ruhaani mumbled, such that only the second word was clearly audible. She had barely given him a glance.
"Ruhaani?" He called her name wearing a small frown.
"Hmm," she hummed not even bothering to glance at him. Was she still upset? Even after all the reassurances he gave her last night? A muscle ticked in his jaw, as irritation poked him.
"We should talk." He said concretely.
Ruhaani's hand paused. She blinked. That was usually her part. She thought she would help him by avoiding him. It would make her feel less hurt. Now that she had finally got a hang of how to deal with him, he was changing his whole strategy. It annoyed her.
"About? I am kind of busy. We are learning gardening," she said.
"But there's not much to do, right?" Nirvan spoke up. "You said we had to just leave it on the side after putting little water."
Ruhaani closed her eyes momentarily, she had forgotten how smart the little boy was. "Yeah, right. Let's do that."
Aadarsh folded his arms and waited on the side for them to get done with their project. Once done, Nirvan ran across the lawn to wash his hands and go bath, as per Ruhaani's instructions.
Ruhaani quietly put the tools into a bucket and got up. He stepped forward and blocked her way.
"So, you're going to avoid?" He stated, more than asking.
She finally looked up at him. Her eyes had heavy kajal on them. Perhaps to hide her puffed up eyes from last night. She looked different, not in a bad way. His gaze drifted to the old apron she wore over her dress.
Ruhaani gulped. "I thought that was the modus operandi," she uttered stepping to the side to walk towards the house.
Aadarsh turned and followed her. "Why would I avoid your dentist appointment? I was the one who set it in the first place. You said you would go this Saturday!"
Ruhaani was met with surprise. She bit on her lower lip and slammed her eyelids shut. He was talking about the dentist and not about them. How stupid of her!
"My tooth, my call!" She said derisively and marched towards the house.
"They are going to give you a local anesthesia, you won't even feel it. If you have post extraction pain, they'll give you painkillers. It's a simple process. I thought we had this discussion last time." He reached out to her arm and tugged her towards himself before she could enter the house.
She turned to him as a consequence of his action and ended up before him with barely any distance between them. "What's your problem?" She muttered annoyed, narrowing at her eyes at him.
"Why aren't you listening to me?" He asked, equally rattled.
"Why only you can avoid me?"
Aadarsh blinked, perplexed. "I am not avoiding you."
"Then why not? Isn't that what you usually do when we have difficult conversations? Last night, what we.."
"Don't..." he blinked uneasily. "Don't bring it up." He warned.
"Exactly, what I thought!" She remarked tersely. "Avoid it and me then. You'll be sorted." She said angrily, before turning to the side to leave. He pulled her back into place, the most rough he had ever been with her. He stepped closer, such that she was trapped between his frame and the wall. His body flushed against hers.
Ruhaani's breathing got heavier, her skin suddenly feeling the heat of his body, despite their clothes and as a result her cheeks warmed up too. She refused to meet his dark eyes, that she had grown to love drowning in. She was scared. He had the power to weaken her with one look.
Aadarsh was purely working on his whim. He didn't want their relationship to be nothing for her. Definitely not just a convenient arrangement. He was tired of hearing that. After much thought since the last night, he had figured what could possibly be middle ground. That would give her all she wanted and that would preserve and protect him from getting hurt.
"Look at me." He demanded, his out of tune breath fanning her cheek.
"I don't desire to." She muttered adamantly, looking to the side. A pool of heat formed at the spot on her cheek where his breath caressed.
"Want me to add please to that?" He asked in a whisper that was equal parts taunting and soft. Had a touch of seduction, or so she felt.
His eyes took in every bit of her face. He wanted her. Wanted her so much more than he had got last night. His growing need for her touch, for her attention, for her words, for anything from her was disturbing.
"Try," she murmured, unable to resist getting that upper hand in the conversation.
A smile touched his lips lightly. "We seriously need to talk about us. Not here. Not like this."
"Why not?" She protested turning to him with a suspicious eye. Her eyes almost instantly widened with surprise as he curled his lips a little—a gorgeous, heartwarming and smug smile— and moved his face closer to hers. His lips hovering over hers. Ruhaani couldn't help but lower her gaze down to his lips. He tilted his head and then took his lips towards her ears.
Ruhaani took in a sharp breath, closing her eyes. He smelt so good. Whatever he was doing was not helping her poor heart and definitely not her unruly hormones. The unaddressed sexual tension between them felt hundred times thicker.
"Because you're distracted." He whispered, like he was revealing a secret. The fingers of his free hand, seductively stroked her right upper arm. While his other hand still tightly gripped onto her left arm. Both his hands doing contrasting things. While one aggressively held her arm captive the other charmingly moved over her skin.
He was right—she was distracted. So damn distracted that if he kissed her right now, she would let him. She didn't know if it was his commanding grip on her arm, or his body that was flushed against hers pushing her to the cold wall or it was his scent or was it his warm breath on hers or nothing but his sheer desire to address issues between them.
Ruhaani's eyelashes fluttered as he slowly pulled back and looked at her again. Her heart thudded with a strange anticipation.
"Thank you for last night, Ruhaani." He said, his gaze softening. "I was in bad shape. Please, let it be between us." He almost begged.
She nodded slowly and reassuringly. Her eyes gazing at him softly making a silent promise.
He nodded in gratitude, stepping back. At times like these—when she allowed her feelings to be displayed in her eyes— he feared her, for her. He saw something powerful in her eyes that made him want to run away from her.
"And for the record we are still going to the dentist, our appointment is post lunch. I will meet you in the room shortly, to discuss— us."
Ruhaani hurriedly went away, as soon as his grip on her arm slackened. She didn't know why her heart was thudding like it had been on steroids. Each beat was so damn powerful that it scared her put of her wits. Was it normal to feel in such a way?
Aadarsh headed back to the lawn towards the swings to see his little girls, only after giving himself few minutes to recover from that mad rush of desire.
***
Ruhaani sat nervously on the edge of the bed. What was he going to talk about? What did he mean when he said us? Why was she even giving in to his demands? Was this some sort of scheme?
She heard a sound and turned to the door. Her heart suddenly did an odd thing, it felt like it dropped to her stomach and bounced right back up when she saw him shutting the room door.
Aadarsh walked all the way up to the front of the bed and sat beside her. Ruhaani took a few seconds to normalize her breathing and bring back her mind to normal functioning.
"What did you want to talk about?" She spoke up confidently. Keeping her tone a bit on the defensive side for good measure.
"I don't want you to feel like this...like there is nothing between us. I don't want you to feel this is some sort of convenience. We have a real marriage and I want you to feel that. This is not a joke. This is not some sort of deal or contract. This is real, Ruhaani. Permanent."
Permanent.
She saw where he was coming from. It had originated from her words last night. From her suggestion that he had an option of separating from her.
Ruhaani hadn't expected him to say clearly any of that. So she was reeling from a minor shock.
Before marriage, she had the impression that Aadarsh was a straight-to-the-point talker but after marriage that had changed. He never spoke with such directness about them. He was always going in circles. Especially with her.
She stared at him, sinking in his words, reflecting on them. He sat patiently waiting for her to say something.
"Marrying you was the most convenient option life has ever given me." She said slowly after thought. She noticed how his lips thinned and his face muscles slowly grew rigid. Like he was...upset or angry or annoyed.
"Convenience is not a bad thing, Aadarsh. In fact, it's a good thing. It means the absence of difficulty, it means being trouble less, being fitting, it means being suitable. You were suitable."
She had her chocolate brown eyes focused on his face, trying to read every micro expression. Somewhere she still saw resistance to the idea. She scooted towards him, her right hand slowly reached to his hand.
"Marrying you was convenient. It was promising enough to give me all that I wanted for me, for Pari, for both of us." She forced a friendly smile, pausing there before she got carried away by the waves of emotions washing her and said words that revealed all that she felt for him.
She felt his fingers press against the back of his palm, returning the grip. None of the spoke for a while. They simply looked at each other.
A déjà vu seemed to be hitting hard. The night when she had come to his house for the first time. They had gone to the glass room to have a chat. He had held her hand and they had quietly been looking at each other.
"What should I do Ruhaani? To make this marriage real, to make it something that's not easily disposable to you. What do you want?"
Ruhaani stared at him. Her gaze locking in place with his. She didn't know how to explain to him that this marriage was everything for her. It wasn't disposable. Not a chance. The answer to his last question was very simple—she wanted him, every bit, entirely.
"I don't know Aadarsh." She lied, lowering her gaze to their hands.
"Let's start over, is that what you want?" He asked trying to meet her gaze and she immediately looked up at him.
"No."
He looked at her troubled. He had thought this would work. To start from scratch again. He'd do so many things differently. Perhaps it would bring their relationship to a stability.
Ruhaani shook her head confirming her reply. She didn't want to start over. No. She cherished what she had as she had it.
"Ruhaani, I am trying. You need to help me." He said defeated. How was he supposed to help her? How was he supposed to help himself?
She had feelings for him that she so fearlessly lived with and even nurtured. On the other hand, he had begun to have feelings for her that he didn't want to let deepen and grow inside him, that he was scared of.
How could they both survive without hurting themselves and the other?
Ruhaani stared at him. A chain of thought building in her mind. Do you think you can fall in love again? Do you think you can love me? Like I love you.
She was scared to say those words aloud but she wanted to. It was driving her insane keeping those feelings hidden.
"Ruhaani?"
She swallowed the lump of emotions that knotted in her throat. "This won't work, Aadarsh." She pulled her hand out of his hold and got off the bed to walk away. But he jumped up and got to his feet too, shortly after blocking her way.
"I am trying, Ruhaani. To make this normal for you. So that, tomorrow you don't end up saying that we don't have anything between us." His voice came out a little angry, a little disappointed, a whole lot troubled.
"I am really trying, Ruhaani." He almost whispered, not knowing how to explain to her what he felt. He himself didn't understand the feeling was. It was total chaos. A truly maddening chaos.
Ruhaani looked hither and thither and finally back at him. The struggle was real.
She slowly rested her hands on his chest and looked up at him. "I ...I am trying too Aadarsh."
Aadarsh stared at her warily. No. It was easier to ignore her feelings pretending they didn't exist. But if she told him, he'd not be able to do that. He raised his hands to push away hers.
"Aadarsh, I didn't marry you for you."
Instead of pushing her hands, he just held them as she refused to move. He waited for her to complete whatever she was saying. Her sentence had wounded him.
"I didn't like you." She said slowly, her eyes looking straight into his dark ones.
"You were annoying. You were difficult to be with. You pissed me off at the drop of a hat. But, I..."
Aadarsh looked away. He wanted to disappear. He wanted her to stop, to reconsider what she was about to say. He didn't want her to go on with this.
However, he did nothing. He passively waited for her to go on. He wanted to hear it in words. He was being selfish. This wasn't right. But he wanted it. He wanted to hear it. He slowly looked back at her.
"I have started liking you. I have started having these feelings for you. I tried hard, very hard to not. I know we spoke..." she paused, bit down on her lip. He eyes shone with tears.
"...we spoke about expectations. I know you don't believe in love...at least not anymore. I now understand why. But Aadarsh...I ..." she swallowed the lump of emotions down her throat and looked away.
Aadarsh sighed. He took a deep breath and spoke up, "I don't want to fall in love again. It hurts Ruhaani. It spoils everything. It is destructive." He said. He didn't want to sugarcoat it for her anymore. "I can't get myself to do it again even if I want to."
She slowly looked back at him with a small smile. He wasn't lying. He was being honest. She appreciated that. His honesty to her always stood out. She nodded vigorously. "I know." She said softly, her hands dropping from his chest.
However he continued to hold her hands.
"We don't have to have feelings or love for each other to make this marriage work. Please, Ruhaani. We just need to be honest with each other, we need to have respect, we need to be a good team. We are suitable for each other."
"Fine. Make it work." She said defeated, her heart shattering. She'd take what she got. If that meant she'd still be part of his life.
"What do you want from me Ruhaani?"
"Start with behaving like a husband. Not a man who is forced to share his room and life with me. The rest will fall in place." She saw him with a fierce renewed spirit. If he was really trying and this wasn't some temporary phony solution to their ever present problem, she was willing to see how far would he go.
Aadarsh stared at her absorbing her words. He hated the tone in which she said it. Like she was doing him a freaking favor. Did she not see it? He was doing this for her.
However he understood the underlying anger. He had just hurt her by saying he'd never return her feelings. She was surprisingly taking it very well. So well, that it frightened him.
"What? Too hard?" She asked raising a brow mockingly. The tears that had been coating her eyes gone.
He took a step closer to her. She wanted to step away but chose to stand at the point not budging.
The closer he stepped, the clearer the storm in her eyes became. He hated how he understood what she was feeling. Like, right now she was acting all strong but somewhere inside she was...breaking, because of him.
He swallowed the guilt down his throat. "What kind of husband do you like?"
Her eyebrows drew closer together above the bridge of her nose. What was exactly happening? He was baffling her at every step.
"Tell me, Ruhaani." He encouraged.
"The kind who doesn't scowl at me." She muttered, her gaze pointedly fixed at him.
"I don't scowl at you." He argued, shifting closer to her, forcing her to take a step back, to avoid a collision with him.
"The kind that doesn't pointlessly argue just because he thinks he always knows better than me." She reproached.
"I don't pointlessly argue. That's you." He blamed, taking a step closer to her again.
"The kind that doesn't blame me for everything that I blame on him." Her voice was sharp, confident and sassy. She refused to back away. Just like he liked her.
"I didn't blame you. I was stating facts." He continued to argue, taking his face closer to hers, this time.
Ruhaani's breath hitched as his gaze lowered to her lips.
"The kind that doesn't kiss me and pretend like it never happened." She breathed out, without any thought, her gaze lowering to his lips.
Aadarsh didn't wait for any more seconds. His arm circled around her body. His lips only pressed against hers, at first. He waited for a beat for her reaction. When she slowly parted hers, he had the consent he was waiting for.
Then hurriedly their lips fitted against the others, urgently. Both his hands going to her back to hold her close to him. Her arms looped around his neck, her fingers crawling into the web of his hair, pulling him closer to herself.
The kiss seemed to be filled with their pent up desires. It was nothing like the previous two they had shared. This one was charged like a live wire. This one was desperate. It was filled with all the emotions and desires they had for each other, that they still locked up away from each other.
• — • — •
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—Anami!♡