Chapter 5: Mother and Daughter Talk
Ara: Hermosa mosquitoes hate me
Leila: Nagdala ka ba ng mosquito patch
Leila: Buy one sa drugstore sa CDH
Ara: Haven't gone there pa
Ara: I'll go to mama first
Leila: Good luck!
Everly: Dito ka na mag lunch
Ara: See you later!
***
I woke up refreshed the next day, and on a mission. Hindi ko man maintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit dito ako pumunta matapos masira ang marriage ko, but I know I have to make the most out of it.
I wanted a happy life and I thought I had that with Dash for the last three years, but now that I am back to square one. Maybe it's time to really have a clean slate before I move forward to another chapter of my life, in another place.
Where would I go after ironing out all the problems I left here five years ago?
Same with Hermosa, I can't go back to Baguio.
Should I move back to Manila? Or will it be better for me to go outside Luzon? Maybe I could go even further... like moving to a different continent.
But that's for another day to think about and to look forward. Like we did before leaving Hermosa, I need to take one day at a time... even if I'm alone now. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that Leila and Savi have their very-much deserved happy-ever-afters in Singapore now. Everly is marrying her dream guy soon, too.
That's what I've always wanted and dreamed of for my friends that turned out to be my found family.
Maybe this part of my life, I have to really face it on my own.
First part of the plan is to talk to my mother. So I texted Apollo's assistant and asked for the address of Don Eric's place. She replied after an hour, so I already took a shower, and ate my breakfast by that time. Alone.
But that's fine. Kailangan ko na masanay na mag-isa ulit.
***
Scratching the back of my knees, I waited patiently for my mother to show up in their receiving area. Pinapasok ako ng isa sa mga helpers nila, as if they've been waiting for me to arrive all morning. Their home is still huge, but it's no Casa Arcangel.
Ang lamang lang ng bahay nila ay maraming tao dito at hindi mukhang inabandona. It looks cozy and well-lived in. The garden looks pretty, as my mother's bed of flowers and hanging orchids were all in full bloom.
My mother was in her house dress when she entered the receiving area, her face glowing and her eyes full of hope.
"Hi, ma," I stood up as I greeted my mother. "I'm here to apologize for leaving early last night, and to talk to you for closure."
My mother paused and looked at me in confusion. "Closure?"
"I want us to talk about what happened to us five years ago. I just want to close that chapter so I can move on properly and start a new chapter of my life with a clean slate."
"What does that mean?" she asked as she slowly lowered to a seat beside me. "Hihingi ka ng closure para gumaan ang loob mo sa paglayo ulit sa akin?"
I stared at her, for her to see how serious I am. "Ma, Hermosa is not for me," I said, carefully. "You have to accept that, I have accepted that this place will never welcome me."
Her eyes teared up a little. "But did you really give it a chance?" she asked as she reached for my hands. "Did you even try to reach out and love Hermosa?"
Pulling my hands away from her, I scratched the back of my neck to make it seem like I wasn't deliberately pulling away from her. "I think alam naman natin pareho na sobrang nagmahal ako dito at nasaktan."
Tumango si mama. "Minahal mo si Apollo, at umikot ang mundo mo sa kanya. Pero hindi ka lumayo sa kanya, he was your safety blanket and you never left your comfort zone."
I moved away and stood up, I just can't sit around as we talk. I feel so fidgety, like my body just wants to crawl out of my body. "Please stop pretending you knew what I was doing back then." Like she's the one to talk? "Ginawa mong mundo noon si Don Eric."
Until now, her world revolves around her man.
"You can still call him Tito."
"I don't feel like it," I said, shaking my head. "The last time we saw each other, the last time I was here in Hermosa... it felt like he was a stranger because he treated me as one that night."
That night was brutal. Ayoko nang isipin ang gabing 'yon hangga't maaari. It is just so painful to be set aside by the people you love and get humiliated as they stand there on that stage, united.
"I'm sorry, anak," mama said, beating me to it. Siya pa rin ang naunang mag-sorry. Pinairal ko na naman ang hinanakit ko. "I am really, really sorry at hindi ako nagpaka-nanay sa'yo noong kailangan mo ako. Akala ko ginawa ko 'yung best para sa'yo. Ngayon, malinaw na sa akin na mali kung paano namin i-handle 'yung relasyon niyo ni Apollo noon."
And we're going there again...
Sighing, I reminded her about her promise to me before coming here, when we were still living in Manila. Before she uprooted her daughter's life for her fiance. "Sinabi mo sa akin noon na kaya tayo lilipat ng Hermosa at sasama kila Don Eric, unang-una ay para sa kapakanan ko. Sa future ko. Pero sinira lang tayo dito, ma."
Her tears started to fall. And no matter how much I hated her for choosing Don Eric over me, it still hurts me to see her struggle this much.
"Anong kailangan kong gawin para mapatawad mo ako, anak? Anong kailangan kong gawin para maging okay ang lahat sa atin?"
"I know deep down in my heart, napatawad na kita, mama," I said, sitting beside her again. "I know you, you were the one who raised me. Alam kong sinubukan mo lang maayos 'yung tingin niyong problema noon sa paraang akala niyo best para sa amin. I know you meant well, it just really hurt me in the process."
"Tama ka–"
"That night broke me, ma," I whispered. "Maybe there's still a part in me that still resents you, but I just want to let go and be happy. I'll be filing for an annulment against ng husband soon, gusto ko lang ay maging okay na ang lahat para sa akin going forward."
My mother gasped, her eyes wide with shock. "Naghiwalay na rin kayo ni Dash?"
"Opo."
She paused for a bit before asking me the most ludicrous question. "Babalikan mo ba si Apollo?"
"What? No," I huffed in annoyance. Why would she ever think that? That ship sailed a long time ago. May bago na ngang sumira ng paningin pagdating sa pag-ibig. "Lipas na 'yung sa amin, ma. Wala na kayong dapat ikabahala ni Don Eric. Malayang-malaya kayong dalawa, hindi niyo na ako kailangan pang isipin."
Umiling si mama. "Walang araw ang dumaan na hindi kita inisip, Ara. Sobrang nadurog 'yung puso ko noong naglayas ka at hindi ka mahanap nila Apollo. Pero hindi kami sumuko, hindi kami tumigil na hanapin ka."
"Pero hindi niyo ako nahanap."
"Kung saan-saan ka namin hinanap pero hindi ka lumapit sa mga taong inakala namin ay lalapitan mo."
Napatigil ako. "Pumunta kayo ng San Juan?"
Tumango siya. "Months after noong umalis ka, noong stable na ang kondisyon ni Eric, pumunta kami sa San Juan. Sinamahan ako ni Apollo at ng kaibigan niyang si Reed."
"Hindi niyo ako nakita doon," I said, knowing how their search for me ended.
Mama sighed as she nodded once again. "Hindi, at pinagtabuyan kami ng mga kamag-anak ng papa mo."
I can't believe they went there. Mama hated them. She was terrified of them, beyond terrified that they would take me away from her. "You hated them," I whispered. "And you still went there?"
She started crying again. "I had to find you, Ara. Gagawin ko ang lahat para mahanap ka, kahit pa harapin ang mga taong tumulong sa papa mo para makulong ako sa marriage namin at hindi makatakas sa pananakit nito bago siya namatay."
I looked away from her, I just can't handle seeing her cry like this because of me. "I was in Baguio all this time, pero palipat-lipat ako sa Manila dahil doon ang trabaho ko."
She pulled her hands off of me and started to dry her tears away. "Anong trabaho mo, anak? Gusto mo ba ang ginagawa mo sa buhay ngayon?"
Tumango ako at hindi maiwasang ngumiti, remembering how all my hardwork at the museum paid off. "Opo, I love it. I am a museum curator. Kahit hindi ko natapos 'yung art degree ko, napakinabangan ko pa rin ito."
"Habang nandito ka, I think you can have it fixed. Pwede mong tapusin 'yung degree mo."
"I don't think I need it anymore, ma. Mas di hamak na may natututunan ako at hands-on pa 'yun dahil sa mismong museum ang trabaho ko."
The worry in her eyes were evident. "Paano ka ngayon? Paano ang trabaho mo at nandito ka sa Hermosa?"
"I'm going back there in a few days, hinahanap na rin ako ng boss ko at ibang kliyente namin."
Her hands grappled with my hand once again, her eyes looking more and more sad and desperate to get me to stay here with her. "Aalis ka na agad?"
I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth, so I went for half-truths instead. "I might come back. I'm still checking to see what my options are. Pwede naman po tayong magkita ulit sa Manila, or anywhere else."
Tumango ito at ngumiti rin sa akin. "Sige, ibigay mo sa akin ang number mo,"
Taking my wallet from my black sling bag, I pulled one of my business cards and handed it to her. "Here's my calling card. My phone number and email are listed there."
Well, my work phone number and work email. But she doesn't have to know I have personal ones. I'm not ready to share those, yet. Lalo na't may plano rin naman akong umalis dito.
She accepted the card and inspected it with her weary eyes. "Sahara Reyes," she read, whispering. "No wonder hindi ka mahanap ni Apollo... nagpalit ka na ng apelyido."
Well, that explains it.
But he really went and tried to find me after that fateful night?
"Hinanap niya talaga ako?" I couldn't help but ask my mother.
My mother flashed me one of her sad smiles before she answered. "Oo, hinanap ka niya. Last year lang siya huminto sa paghahanap sa'yo, Ara."