"The past is never dead. It's not even past." ―William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun.
~
Loving someone who is not yours is like a constant tug-of-war between hope and despair. It's like being trapped in quicksand, the more you struggle, the more suffocating the feeling becomes. As soon as Miles heard about Porsche's father's death, he felt compelled to rush to his side and be there for him. He tried his hardest to get a hold of Porsche, but it was impossible. Although he wanted to be there for him through thick and thin, he was not allowed to. There's nothing else he can do but wait.
Then he met him. Porsche appears on his own for a brief moment. Although it takes time, he really did. And it wasn't the Porsche he knew and he understood why. It's never easy for anyone to lose a parent. The experience leaves you feeling raw, like an open wound. Then a few weeks later, he went to the Porsche office to see him, and his heart broke into a million pieces. As he made his way inside, he saw Porsche with Kinn walking together. Porsche was seen smiling, or at least it looked that way. That hurts him. It's not strange that his husband was next to him, yet the pain remains the same.
And just like that, he was gone. Porsche vanished suddenly, as if he was never been there in the first place. Five months passed without a word from him, and each day felt longer than the last. In hindsight, he realized that getting close to him was a mistake because the pain of loving him was too much to bear. He doesn't fault him, but it's challenging to remain oblivious to everything happening in his beloved's life.
The realization of his place in Porsche life was a bitter pill to swallow. It was wrong for him to kiss him that day. It was something he regrets the most. Still, he keeps the picture they took on their outing in his wallet. He held onto those memories tightly, knowing they were the only thing that belonged solely to him.
Now, they meet occasionally. Precisely, Mile's heart couldn't handle being close to him again. He kept a safe distance from him, as much as his heart allowed him to. It's not that he doesn't miss him. He missed him so much that he spent countless sleepless nights thinking about him, but he had to accept the fact that Porsche was back with his husband, trying to work things out.
Well, he was never truly his, but the man still managed to steal his heart, leaving him feeling empty. In need of escape, he found himself drowning his sorrows in alcohol at his friend's bar. Oh, the new thing he got himself is smoking.
He started smoking incessantly, as if trying to create his own personal cloud. Lin was unsettled by the drastic changes that occurred in Miles over the year. He had foreseen this outcome and had warned him to stop before it shattered him.
"You're really fueling the tobacco industry," Lin observed, taking a seat beside him.
Mile sat outside the back of the bar reading the article about Kinn and Porsche recent interview. The music and light overwhelmed him, so he went outside for fresh air. The place was accessible only to employees, which made its quietness perfect for him.
"You're starting to sound like my mother," Mile said, flicking ash from his cigarette. He puts his phone away when he heard Lin voice, but Lin saw what he was staring at.
"I can order food. What do you want to eat?" Lin asked. Mile has been drinking since earlier, and judging by the way he looks, its likely he hasn't been eating properly.
"I'm good," Mile replied, his gaze fixed on the sky as he took a long drag on his cigarette.
Lin signed heavily, a deep sense of frustration evident in his body language.
"It's been a year, you know. Time to call it quits,"
Mile couldn't help but chuckle. True. But nothing has changed for him even after a year. No matter how hard he tries, he can't forget him. All he hopes for is that he finds happiness and it seems that Porsche is happy lately. That's what he thinks, at least. It was difficult for him to read articles and news reports about his marriages; it felt like salt on his wound. However, he knew that he had to respect his decision.
"And there will be more years. No expectations here. I'm just living my life," Mile said, his tone conveying a sense of resignation. He's not wrong about that. He is living his life, trying to forget all about Porsche. He has no expectations, and to be frank, there was nothing between them from the beginning. It was clear to him that Porsche only wanted to be friends and nothing more. And he knows there shouldn't be anything more to it. There was a lingering feeling that perhaps their relationship wasn't as friendly as he thought. He happened to be around when things were tough for him, and he was just a distraction.
"Mile," Lin started, his hand squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. "He is married. You don't want the person you love to be led astray by infidelity. There's nothing else to it except that. Affair. And you might have a friendship which I guess is what it is for him, but it's important to know that someone who is going through grief, process differently. There is no time frame for it. I'm sure there's more to his behavior than you realize, and I don't think he intentionally ignored you. Maybe you could have overestimated how well you know him. And at the end of the day, the person that's going to be there for him through everything is his husband, no matter the dynamic of their relationship. That's the essence of marriage. So don't beat yourself up,"
Lin becomes aware of his relationship with Porsche on the day he learns of Porsche's father's passing. Mile was in the bar with him when he read the news, and the way Mile reacted and quickly left the bar to call him, he realized that the person he had been referring to all along was Porsche. He was taken aback because Mile had only just moved to Thailand and they seemed to have met recently. When asked later, Mile admitted. Knowing that Porsche's in-laws were the Theerapanyakun made him somewhat scared. The amount of risk he is taking on is significant.
"I have no idea about a lot of things. As time went on, I started expecting more from him, which wasn't fair, to be honest. I was chasing him, but he kept moving further away from me. I know that he has his own matters to worry about and is in a committed relationship. I've always remembered that. To him, I was just some guy who served as a small distraction he needed at the moment. Still, it hurts that I never seem to matter, not even for a second. He's made it clear that I don't have a place in his life, and I understand that now. That's why I stayed away," Mile explained.
Porsche's disappearance for months left him in a state of constant anxiety and paranoia, fearing the worst with every passing day. Since Porsche's phone was not even working, he was completely in the dark. He found out from a news article that he had been overseas with his husband all along; the paparazzi took pictures of them leaving a restaurant. Out of nowhere, he shows up, and that's when it dawns on him that Porsche doesn't see him as a friend anymore. He thinks the kiss might have scared him off, and though he blames himself, he wishes they were friends so he could confide in him and ease his worries.
"Mile," Lin said, his voice tinged with sadness for what he was going through. Despite the fact that he fell in love with a married man and the moral implication of it, he realizes there's more to their relationship than what he initially thought. Lin understood Mile's feelings of betrayal and abandonment when Porsche ghosted him. He did everything in his power to set his friend up on a date, hoping it would help him move on, but to no avail.
"I know, okay. I know. I can see how losing his dad all of a sudden affected him in a big way. But before anything else, I was his friend," Mile said as he rubbed his face in frustration. "At least, that's what I thought. You're absolutely right about everything. Everything you have told me so far is right. It's been me the whole time. So please, let's stop talking about him," Mile said as he took another cigarette from the pack and lit it up.
***
Today is Porsche Birthday. Kinn has made a reservation for dinner to celebrate his birthday. He invested countless hours planning the perfect date night, from selecting the ideal restaurant to the perfect movie night. He wanted to take the day off and spend time with Porsche, but since Porsche is busy with work, he decided on a night date instead.
Throughout the year, they have been making strides in their relationship.
Weeks after his father passed away, Porsche was still struggling with his grief. The severity of his mental breakdown was alarming for Kinn and his grandfather. Porsche was present, but he seemed distant and detached. He shut himself off in a way that was unsettling. He was too shattered. He once walked into the bathroom and found him turning blue under the freezing water in the shower. Another time, he found him in their bedroom, unconscious on the floor, with a half-empty whiskey bottle in his grasp; the doctor diagnosed alcohol poisoning. Kinn ensured that there was no alcohol in the house beforehand, but Porsche's grandfather had a taste for wine and whisky. He figured his grandpa's presence would keep him from drinking too much. But that day he knew he was wrong.
Kinn decided it was time for a change of scenery and opted for a new country, along with therapy. He needs a lot of care and attention to recover. Kinn was unfazed by his father's anger on his decision and left work, anyway. His main priority was taking care of Porsche. They spent their time there away from everything and worked on their relationship as time went on.
"Someone is busy," Tay said as he walked into Kinn's office. "And you are glowing," arching his eyebrow playfully.
"I thought you forgot about me. My cousin finally gave you a break, what a surprise," Kinn teased back.
Tay laughed heartily as he sat on the couch.
"How you been?" Tay asked. "I mean you and Porsche," he clarified.
Kinn moved from his desk and took a seat across from him.
"We're doing well. It's gonna take time to earn trust, and I've got a lot to prove. Working on our friendship first," Kinn replied. They're getting there, little by little. It's like making a new friend and learning about each other. He gave Porsche the space he needed and didn't pressure him. He understands that the road to redemption will be a lengthy one. It's something they're still in the process of working on. More than anything, he's glad to see Porsche back to his normal self. That's what matters most to him.
"That's great to hear," Tay commented. "You need to be patient with him. It may take some time, but I'm sure you guys will get there in the end,"
Tay eventually learned the reason behind Kinn and Tawan's relationship. He sympathized with him, understanding the pain he was going through, and also felt for Porsche. He knows it wasn't fair to Porsche and can only imagine the anguish he must be feeling. They both deserve to be happy. It makes him happy to see them working on their relationship.
With a small smile, Kinn nodded his head in agreement.
"Do you want to go out and grab dinner?" Tay inquired. The last time he hung out with his friend felt like ages ago.
"Sorry, I can't. It's Porsche's birthday today. I'm about to leave actually,"
"Oh!" Tay exclaimed. "Make sure to tell him happy birthday. I'll leave you to it then," he bide goodbye and left the office.
***
Just as Porsche was wrapping up his work, his secretary delivered a package to him. The gift box was adorned in beautiful wrapping, and inside was a rectangular box and a card. As he opened the card and read it, a wide smile spread across his face.
'Wishing you a day filled with happiness, and a year filled with joy.
Happy birthday!'
There was no name on the sender, but he knew it was Mile. He can tell by his handwriting. The box contained a gorgeous ballpoint pen featuring an oceanic motif.
He pulled his phone out and text Mile.
Porsche: Thank you mai!
Porsche: If you're free, let's meet up for lunch this week.
His phone pinged with a text message a few minutes later.
Smile mai: I'm a little busy this week. Maybe some other time.
Smile mai: enjoy your day!
Porsche's expression gave away his disappointment. It was a pattern with Mile ever since he returned to Thailand.
The thought of him always brought sadness and regret to him. He held himself responsible for the way their relationship turned out. When he returned, he attempted to explain to Mile, but he shut down the conversation and became withdrawn. He thought he'd have the chance later on, but it never happened. Mile always kept his distance from him and Porsche respected that, waiting patiently until the anger passed. He cared for him too much to let things go unsaid, hoping they would talk and clear the air. Porsche wanted to preserve their friendship and not lose him.
***
Mile was on his way back home when Porsche sent him a text. He left work early, too tired to continue.
He pulled over onto the side road and replied to Porsche's text.
No, Mile's not busy, he just felt the need to be away from him. Although he missed him greatly, he had to focus on sorting himself out.
He caught sight of an ice cream vendor as he looked down the side road. He drives along the road and parks his car; he ended up with two ice creams. He fondly recalled how they used to indulge in ice cream and stroll around the street.
"It doesn't taste good anymore. It's bitter," Mile remarked.
***
Porsche was ready to go home. Tonight he had a date night with Kinn to celebrate his birthday. He set down Mile's present and took his coat before heading towards the underground parking lot. His plan is to go home first and take a shower before they head out.
Walking toward his car, he heard a whistle, one that he recognized all too well. He halted his steps and turned around slowly, but there was no one in the parking lot. He looked around once more, scanning the area to confirm his solitude. His mind wandered, wondering if his senses were deceiving him.
As he reaches for the car door handle, the shrill whistle pierces the air once again.
"Hello, Natta," said the man standing behind him.
Startled, Porsche dropped his keys. The voice. He knew the voice. Here is the man he prayed to never see again.
As he turned around slowly, he saw Arthee standing in front of him. His uncle.
His uncle is on the list of people he despises in this world. In a sudden moment of fear, he took a step back, causing him to bump into the car door as his hand trembled.
Arthee's evil grin grew wider as his nephew's eyes widened in surprise and fear. He reached down and grasped the key.
"Nice car, nephew," Arthee said, handing him the key. "A perfect fit for CEO of Camellia,"
Porsche reached out to take the key, but paused for a moment before grabbing it. His gaze lifted towards the camera in the corner, causing Arthee's smile to widen.
"Look at you, all grown up. I would have almost not recognized you, nephew. You were a baby and now a grown married man. Wow!" Arthee said as he reached out his hand to greet Porcshe, but Porcshe remained unresponsive, standing motionless. Withdrawing his hand, Arthee took a deep breath and stood at ease with his hands in his pockets. "I missed you a lot, you know. Nice to see you again. I thought I would mourn your death...like my sister.... We used to have a great time together, but now it seems that you're disappointed to see me again,"
"W...what are you doing here?" Porsche finally found his words.
The way his uncle looked was different from his memory. He had a scar that ran down one side of his face and had lost an eye. Porsche can surmise the reason why.
"Ohhh, down to business. Relax, I'm only here to say hi today. Don't worry, will see each other more often," Arthee said simply, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
He just want to see say hi to his nephew today and by the look of his face, his surprise never gone waste.
"See you soon, my lovely boy," with a cocky grin, Arthee waved his hand in farewell and strolled off.
As Porsche's heart quickened, he felt a tightness in his chest, making it difficult to breathe.
"Oh," Arthee said, turning back halfway through. "Your husband, Kinn, right? You trust him? What a shame, you looked good together," He turned away and left.
Holding his chest, Porsche collapsed onto the ground. His breaths came in short, wheezing gasps. In an effort to calm himself down, he counted to ten and back, focusing on each number.
"It's okay. It's okay...." He repeated to himself over and over again. Once he has calmed down, he gets into his car. He glanced at his watch and realized he's running late. He needs to head home, as Kinn may already be waiting for him.
***
Kinn booked the entire floor of the riverside restaurant, and the sight of the river shimmering in the moonlight was breathtaking. The sound of the flowing river was soothing. The soft, warm glow of the candles illuminated the table, casting a cozy ambiance. He thought the stunning panorama would be something that Porsche would like. But Porsche was slightly off today. He couldn't shake off the nagging feeling in his head; he wondered if he had done something wrong.
"Is their steak not to your liking? You can try something else," Kinn commented, noticing how Porsche had barely touched his food.
Porsche's mind was on his uncle that he didn't even realize he had taken no bites of his food.
"It's good," Porsche said, assuringly, as he took a bite.
Kinn seemed unconvinced, but decided not to push him further.
Porsche tried to push thoughts of his uncle aside and focus on Kinn as they ate dinner.
"Thank you. It was good," Porsche said with a smile, taking a sip of his wine.
Just as Kinn was about to speak, the waitress arrived with a cake and lit candles, placing it on their table before departing.
Porsche beamed with a smile.
"Happy birthday!" Kinn exclaimed, his eyes lighting up with joy seeing Porsche smile.
Kinn sings a happy birthday song to him, which makes Porsche smile even more. He made a wish and then blew out the candle.
"Thank you," Porsche said, as he reached and squeezed Kinn's hand. In a split second, what his uncle said came rushing back to him.
'You trust him? What a shame, you looked good together'
Kinn reached into his coat and brought out the gift he had prepared for him.
"Here," Kinn said as he gave him his gift.
Kinn's voice snaps him out of his thoughts. The gift he opened was revealed to be a watch; a beautiful gold watch.
With glasses of wine in hand and plates of cake before them, they spent the night enjoying each other's company. As night fell, they made their way to the cinema for a late-night movie. Kinn put in a lot of effort to make his birthday special while ensuring that he didn't feel overwhelmed.
Sitting in the back of the car, Porsche watched Kinn intently as they made their way home. His uncle's words weighed heavily on him, causing a great deal of inner turmoil. He spoke with intention, and it left him with a sense of unease.
"Is everything okay?" Kinn squeezed his hand, noticing the way Porsche's eyes were fixed on him.
The way Porsche looks at him makes him feel uneasy and on edge.
Porsche looked straight into his eyes, searching for any hint of deceit or dishonesty, but there was nothing in them. He leaned to him and capture his lips. As their lips met, Kinn closed his eyes and kissed him back. The suddenness of the kiss catches Kinn off guard, leaving him momentarily stunned, but the soft, gentle kiss made his heart skip a beat with joy. Porsche let out a moan as Kinn pulled him closer, his touch sending shivers down his spine.
"I enjoy today. Thank you," Porsche whispered as they parted, his breath still heavy.
He rested his head on Kinn's shoulder, wrapping his arm around Kinn's waist in a tight embrace.
'I have to trust him,' Porsche keep saying to himself over and over again.
***
It was two in the morning, Porsche was wide awake and couldn't sleep. He leaves the bed and heads to the balcony, holding a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. When his uncle suddenly appeared today, he felt a surge of fear and anxiety wash over him. It seems that his uncle's sudden appearance was planned. The mere mention of Kinn's name bothered him more than he cared to admit.
He took a long drag of his cigarette, hoping the nicotine would calm his nerves.
"Looks like, I might have to kill him," Porsche muttered to himself.
He continued smoking outside for about half an hour before he heard Kinn open the balcony door.
"What's bothering you?" Kinn inquired as he took the cigarettes from him. He glances over at the ashtray and sees three more cigarette butts.
Despite Porsche's reassurances that everything was fine, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off.
"Sorry for waking you up," Porsche apologized.
"It's cold out here," Kinn remarked, slipping out of his robe and places it gently on Porsche's shoulders. "What's wrong?"
Porsche shakes his head, implying there is nothing wrong.
"I think I ate too much cake, couldn't sleep at all," Porsche lied. He prayed to all the gods, hoping that Kinn had no involvement in anything. He had already been hurt enough, and the thought of another betrayal from him was too much to bear. "Come on, let's head in," Porsche said, pushing his thoughts aside.
***
Kim ran his hand through his hair, taking in the long-missed sights, sounds, and smells of Thailand as he stepped out of the car. Making his way to his father's study, he passed by the family portraits that lined the walls. He missed home. It was torturous being away from home for a year.
"Pa," Kim says, his smile growing wider as he approaches his father.
Korn was engrossed in his book, his whisky glass sitting untouched on the table beside him.
"I hope your presence here is for a good reason, and my trust in you is not misplaced," Korn said, setting his book aside and removing his reading glasses.
"I will not fail you. Not ever!" Kim said firmly, emphasizing each word. He settled into a chair across from his father. "I have a gift for you. Camellia!"
Korn's face lit up with a big smile. His son has finally grown up. The year of isolation has given him a valuable insight. Although he won't express it, Porsche deserves gratitude.
"I'm all ears," Korn said, leaning on his chair.
Kim tapped his iPad and opened the file. He worked tirelessly and made many sacrifices to finally get his hands on it.
"Porsche! I know something about him that can help you keep him in check. You don't have to depend on Kinn anymore," Kim said, giving the iPad to his father.
Korn takes it and continues scanning through the file.
Kim's initial target wasn't Porsche, rather, it was his brother. However, Porsche was the one who provoked him first. He plans to make him pay for the humiliation he and his mother have suffered.
"He's got a reason why you couldn't find anything on him. His father. Porsche's father was much more powerful than what we anticipated. He made sure to keep his only son, well corrections, adopted son, had a clean record. They adopted Porsche when he was a little kid. But this kid is not like the others. His biological father left his mother while she was pregnant and died before their child was born. The small town where he was born was so tight-knit that everyone knew about his notorious behavior," Kim explained. He directed his father to a different file, where he could view other reports.
"Then the unthinkable happened on one night. Porsche murdered his own mother and set their house on fire. that's what's the talk of town was at the time. Later, his uncle was the one who looked after him, but no surprises, he tries to kill his own uncle by burning the house on fire once again, but he escaped. From then on, no one caught sight of him. Porsche disappeared. But as you can guess, he was adopted by the Kittisawat family. They took him to Singapore to see Psychologists. From what I understand, he was in a mental institution for a considerable amount of time. I received information from a retired nurse that a kid who killed his mother was admitted to their hospital, so I believe it's him.When he returned from Singapore, everything was erased from his record. Nothing at all,"
Korn's face remained stoic, revealing nothing. He gave a slight nod, indicating to Kim that he should continue. The gift from his son made the wait worthwhile.
"There's no record of anything linked to Porsche. Not even the adoption record. Nothing. His past was wiped out entirely. It's likely related to his father's abundant influential connections. People believed that Mrs. Kittisawat gave birth in the United States. Later, Porsche continued his study in London and came back to Thailand with his mother and grandfather," Kim continued.
Korn takes another drink of whisky and then pours a glass for his son.
"His real name?" Korn asked as he handed him the drink.
"His real name is Nattawin. But they call him Natta. Precisely, people in town called him the psychopath Natta!"
***