Lando had woken up earlier the next morning to take Petra and Max to the airport for their flight. He was going to wake up Leah as well, but Petra insisted that he let her sleep. He didn't even say goodbye, he just left. After he dropped the other two off at the airport he drove back to the house. Leah was still in bed asleep. He was going to wait until she had woken up on her own, but he couldn't wait any longer. He had been sitting in the living room, but she wouldn't didn't wake up for the next hour and a half. Lando had finally started pacing at the foot of their bed.
"Leah, baby, you've gotta wake up and tell me, I need to know what I did or what I need to do to make you feel better," Lando finally spoke out loud. Leah slowly sat up. She had been awake the moment Lando left the house she just didn't want to get out of bed. She didn't want to go forward with the day. She didn't want to have to tell him.
"You didn't do anything Lando," Leah sighed as she brought her knees to her chest. She was just in his hoodie and her underwear.
"Can I please know now, I've been giving you space hoping that maybe you would tell me on your own, but then you didn't and then it just got worse, but Leah," Lando rambled while he paced at the foot of her bed. All Leah could think about was the fact that he still had his messy bed hair that she always thought was so cute. "Why are you smiling right now?" He paused and stared at her. She shook her head as she moved to get up off the bed.
"I don't want to tell you, Lando," She rested her head in her hands as Lando came to the edge as knelt in front of her.
"Please, you are killing me," Lando begged. Leah dropped her hands and looked at him. She was upset with herself more than anything.
"Lando I can't have kids," Leah whispered. The words were so quiet Lando thought he may have heard her wrong at first. His face turned from worried, to confused quickly as he pieced together her emotions.
"Wait what? How do you know?" Lando at on his heels as he stared up at her. Leah gave him a small smile as she ran her finger through his hair, but he grabbed her hands and pulled them away from his face. "Leah." He pleaded. She didn't want to have this conversation. She didn't want any of this to end, even if the two of them have been distant for a while. Her mostly.
"A few weeks ago, I was late on my period, I didn't think anything of it because most of the time I am and it's fine. I was right and about two weeks after I had my period again, but it was different," Lando stared at her. That was when she would lay in bed for a while and her body would hurt to where she couldn't move. Leah had thought it was just an intense period. "So I went to the doctor and they gave me test results and an answer to what actually happened."
"Leah?" Lando whispered as she looked at her hands.
"I was pregnant," Leah muttered as she played with the ring on her hand and tugged it off. Lando let out a breath as he covered his mouth. "I miscarried about six or seven weeks in." Leah placed the ring in the plan of her hand. She promised herself she wouldn't cry anymore. So she wouldn't. "I have an insufficient cervix which means that I will not be able to carry a baby to full term. I can't have kids. We can't have kids." Leah smiled down at her ring. Lando was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that they had a baby in the first place and it was gone. Just like that.
"There are other options though, I know you can't carry to term, but Leah there are other options," Lando explained as he took her other hand, but her hand was completely relaxed as he tried to intertwine their hands.
"Yes, but Lando I know how much you wanted to be the father, it wouldn't be the same, you know that," Leah reasoned as she looked up at the ceiling for a moment as she took a deep breath.
"What about that one thing, the," Lando snapped his fingers as he thought. His mind was reading so it was hard to focus on specific things.
"Surrogacy?" Leah asked and he nodded as he smiled at her. "I don't want to do that Lando, I don't think I want a kid to have my genes. No one deserves to live like this, I won't pass them on." Leah reasoned as she looked away from him once again.
"Leah, baby, you've gotta work with me, please," Lando reasoned his voice was quiet as he fought the urge to cry. He was a father. At one point he was a father, but it's gone just like that.
"No Lando," Leah took his hand and placed the ring in the plan of his hand. "I have nothing left to give you. This is it," Leah's voice broke as Lando stared at the ring in his hand.
"We're not doing this," Lando shook his head as he tried to give it back to her.
"Lando stop please," Leah pushed herself off the bed to get some distance between the two of them. "I don't have anything else to give you. You want to be a father, but I won't let myself have children. So you need to find someone else. Someone better for you because I am not healthy!" Leah yelled at him as tears pooled in her eyes.
"What the fuck are you talking bout Leah?" Lando stood up now her ring pressed into his hand. "I don't fucking want anyone else. I only want you and so what if you don't want to pass your genes onto anyone? Thats fine! I'm fine with that! We can adopt later on when we are both actually ready to become parents!" He yelled as he rubbed his face. Lando hated yelling. He hated raising his voice at her but he didn't know how else to get his points across. Leah had spiraled so far that she couldn't even see reason.
"No, I am doing this for you because I know all you've ever wanted was children. Your children! I can't give you that, I am not enough. I am not a good person and you shouldn't be with me. We never should have married in the first place," Leah muttered as she looked around the room.
"Leah stop saying that, how do you know what I need or what I want? You aren't in my head, so please just calm down and we can talk through this because there is no way I'm getting a divorce, you are the only person I have ever truly loved with my entire soul," Lando touched his chest several times as he moved toward her. "I will not allow you to push me away like this. Yes, it's sad that you can't have my children, but that's not the end of the world, my love. I would do anything for you. I would sacrifice anything for you and who cares if you don't want the kids to have your genes, we can adopt. I am perfectly fine with that, they may not be blood, but they will always be our kids. There is no difference." Lando reasoned. Leah just stared at him. She could already see where he was trying to make it not seem like it was her fault. that she was the one destroying this relationship. She was. Leah has only ever been bad for him, she wasn't a good person and she wasn't healthy either.
"I don't want you to do that though. I don't want you to have to sacrifice things for me, you shouldn't have to do that. I want you to get everything you want Lando, everything, I can't give you everything, I don't have anything else to give you So we need to get a divorce cause this isn't going to work out, I won't let you sacrifice your future," Lea shook her head as he approached her. Lando put a hand on either side of her cheek. Her ring sat on his pinkie finger.
"Please stop acting like this is already over. I love you and I hope you still love me. I'm going to stand here and talk sense into you until you understand that I'm not sacrificing anything. I want a life with you and only you. I want you to be the mother of my children blood related or not. I don't want anyone else. I do not need anyone else. I will never want anyone else, right now you are just in your head." Lando explained as they held eye contact. When a few tears escaped her eyes he wiped them away. Leah watched as Lando fought back his tears as well. "Do you still love me?" Leah stared at him. She wanted to say no, she wanted to shove him back and tell him to leave the house. To leave her alone, but she couldn't. She couldn't say something that wasn't true. She wanted him to get away from her, but it was hard when he was making it so much harder to push him away. He was fighting against her. Fighting for them to stay together and Leah was slowly caving in slowly, but she knew that he was most likely right. She listened to him most of the time. "Do you still love me, Leah?" Lando asked again. His heart was beating hard against his ribs as the silence filled his ears.
"I do, but Lando-," Leah rubbed her forehead.
"That's all I need, I don't need anything else as long as I have you," Lando explained as he moved toward her.
"Why are you not mad at me?" Leah asked. "You should be furious, why can't you just get mad at me."
"Cause I know and I know why you are like this and I'm not going to get mad at you for things you can't control, although after this I will be getting you a therapist so you can talk things out with. I know you hate them, but you can't keep doing this. Waiting for everything to build up until it just explodes and then you try and push me away. I'm not going anywhere," Lando defended.
"You deserve someone better," Leah reasoned. Lando smiled as he took the ring from his pinky and put it back onto her ring finger giving her knuckles a kiss. "I am not a happy person, I try to be, but I just can't all the time, you don't need that. I know you struggle too." Leah whispered as he smiled at her.
"Yeah, but I also know that you always assume bad things will keep happening to you, so I'm not going to let you push me away, I'm trying to make this work, but you have to work with me," Lando reasoned.
"But everything does fall apart when I'm happy. I got into formula one, Charles was diagnosed, I started winning and then he died, my mom died, I got engaged, George died, then I won the championship and this season was going well, and now I can't have kids!" Leah rubbed her temples as pain erupted behind her eyes. "I don't think I'm supposed to be happy and I don't want to take you down with me Lanod. You deserve someone better than me, I don't want you to constantly have to try and talk me through these episodes. I know it's repetitive and annoying, I get that, and that's why I'm trying to make you leave me, so you can be happy." Leah's chest was rising and falling fast as she kept herself from sobbing. She just wanted him to be happy. She thought he wouldn't be able to truly be happy with her. She wasn't easy to handle and she knew that for the most part. She tried to do better, but she didn't know how.
"And you don't think I'm happy with you?" He asked as he stepped closer to her. "Leah the moment I met you I knew you were going to mean something to me, I didn't know what yet, but after talking with you for only a few minutes at your first grid dinner I knew. I knew somehow that you were going to be the love of my life. And I know yes bad things constantly keep happening to you, but please just let me help you. Let you help yourself, you deserve to be happy as well Leah and if you won't fight for your own happiness then I will. But please Baby, at least come to the doctor with me and let's see what we can do because I know you wanted to be a mother too, I know this is hard for you as well," Lando gently took her hand as she took down as he intertwined their hands. She did not deserve him. She knew it. The universe knew it, but she loved him. She loved him so much.
"I won't let them have my genes," She whispered. Lando nodded and kissed her forehead.
"I respect that, but let's just go see what a doctor can give us options for and I'm sorry you had to go through that alone, please, please, just let me help you sometimes, I know you like to do everything on your own, but it's alright to cry to me, or just talk with me. I would rather know what s going on in your head at the time than wait for you to break down. And I don't deserve you, I'm not all perfect and shit, you know that. You have seen me be childish and annoying at times. Stubborn and immature, you've seen it all Leah, and yet you still love me despite all my faults," Leah looked into his eyes knowing he was honest. She hated that he was so loving. "So will you try?"
"Fine, but only because I don't want to be like this anymore, I'm tired of always breaking down on you, I know you are tired of this too, but I just don't know how else to work with this," Leha rubbed her forehead, but Lando gently took her hands away. She was rubbing red marks onto her skin from how hard she had been pressing.
"So this can go several ways today we can go drive around and listen to music and come back bake and watch a movie. Or we can go lay back in bed and sleep the rest of the day away. Or we can train, bake, and fall asleep to a movie. The choice is yours, I want you to do what you feel up to," Leah sighed and smiled at him a little.
"You know I hate making these decisions," She sighed as she gripped his hands. She really wanted to go lay back down, but she would just feel depressed. "Let's go work out, then we can bake cookies and watch a movie, sound good?"
"Perfect, my love," He leaned forward and gave her a soft kiss. "Then we can schedule an appointment with your doctor and look for some therapists." Leah gave him a long glare. "I know you don't like them, but I feel like they would help you with some coping mechanisms if you really really really don't like being there after one or two sessions then I won't make you go anymore. I just want you to be able to take care of yourself if you won't let me help you." Leah walked over to the closet pulling out a tank and biker shorts.
"And if I let you help me, does that mean I won't have to go?" Leah asked as she pointed at him. He stuck his hands in his pockets.
"I would like you to at least go to one, but after that then yes, as long as you open up to me about what you are thinking and feeling then you won't have to go, but I want you to talk it out with me rather than keep it compact in you remind," He smiled and also walked over to the closet to pull out his gym outfit. They changed and got ready. Leah knew she had overreacted, but she thought it would have been the best thing. She still had the guilt in the back of her head for making him stay with her since she was so fucked up. She knew she should have just hurt him to push him away, but she couldn't do it. She was selfish when it came to him.