[irl, texts, irl!]
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TW: MENTIONS OF BPD, MENTAL HEALTH, SUICIDAL THINKING, ATTEMPTS AND REALLY VULGAR LANGUAGE AND MANIPULATION FROM LILY'S PARENTS!! ALSO TOXIC FAMILY STUFF TOO!!
[irl!]
LILY WASN'T EXPECTING ANYTHING ELSE to shake her.
but, ever since the calls and texts from her parents have been getting worse, things have been incredibly overwhelming.
for the past two hours, she's been standing in front of the bathroom counter with the familiar pill bottle sitting on it.
she numbly stares at it, internally struggling with what to do.
a part of her knows that she shouldn't be considering what she's thinking about—she knows deep down that it's wrong.
but, she can't stop thinking about the cruel things her parents have been saying to her.
before she can consider anything else, she hears the front door open and shut gently.
with her eyes widening, she turns away from the counter when she hears some footsteps.
anxiously, she hides in front of the bottle, in case anyone walks in.
"lily?" elliot calls, walking down the hallway to where the bathroom is.
"is everything okay? we've been texting you like—"
elliot's voice stops suddenly, when she finally makes it to the doorway.
her eyebrows knit together in confusion. "what's going on?" she asks, noticing the anxiety on her friend's face.
"n—nothing..." she trails off, gulping nervously as she notices her friend getting closer to her.
lily holds her breath when elliot's eyes catch onto the fact that her hands are hiding behind her back.
then, her eyes find the mirror that reveals the pill bottle from behind her friend's back.
elliot gapes for a few seconds, before she scoffs and steps forward.
as her best friend draws closer to her, lily doesn't act fast enough when she grabs the bottle from the counter.
"what the hell is this, lily?!" she yells shakily, shaking the bottle for good measure.
lily winces and keeps her mouth shut, biting her bottom lip anxiously.
elliot scoffs again when lily doesn't even defend herself.
sighing anxiously, lily walks out of the bathroom, pushing past elliot.
she immediately follows her as lily walks through the hallway and over to the door, purposely ignoring the small group of friends that are sitting in the living room.
"lily!" elliot exclaims, throwing her hands up in the air as her best friend stops in her place, but doesn't turn around.
"what?" she yells back, turning back around to face her and their confused friends.
"you can't just leave without an explanation!" elliot says, tears filling her eyes as she can see the hurt emotions filling lily's face.
lily gulps, blinking away the quick, unshed tears as she realizes that her throat suddenly feels extremely dry.
she glances behind her best friend to look at their friends, guilt filling her at the confused and concerned looks on their faces.
taking a deep breath, she goes back to the door to put on her shoes quickly, before pulling the door open.
"lily!" elliot calls out again, shaking her head at her friend's actions. "you can't just run away from this—you have to deal with it!"
lily turns back to her, shrugging her shoulders and masking her face into an expression of indifference. "you're wrong—i can."
and with that, she walks out and slams the door shut behind her.
elliot and the rest of her friends wince at the loud sound and quickly become overwhelmed by the deafening sound of silence.
—————
LILY GULPS, MUCH MORE ANXIOUS now as she hesitantly knocks on the door.
her phone going off repeatedly distracts her, but only for a few seconds, because the door opening shakes her out of it.
the person on the other side of the door is shocked, to say the least. "lily?"
lily gulps, trying to ignore the anxious nerves filling her, and nods quietly.
"what—" ralfie is quickly interrupted by another person that appears from behind him.
"lily." nessa states, something in her eyes and voice telling her that she already knows why she's here.
lily sighs in defeat, trying to shake off the guilt and anxiety filling her. "i didn't know where else to go..."
ralfie and nessa turn to face each other, concern quickly taking over any other expressions they had on their faces before.
"i don't know what to do..." lily says more clearly, shivering even with the nice weather, though it's clear it's not the weather that's making her feel that cold chill go through her body.
the lost and scared look in her friend's eyes brings nessa to immediately step through the threshold and gently grab her shoulders to lead her inside.
everything feels like a blur and lily only feels numb as nessa leads her into the living room, while ralfie gently shuts the door.
once she's settled, nessa turns to face her on the couch. "lily, what's going on? what happened?"
lily's quiet for a second, probably even minutes, before she shakily pulls out her phone and turns it on, handing it over to both nessa and ralfie to see what's made their friend act and feel the way that she is.
—————
[texts!]
dad 😐 — john
lilianna — lily
dad 😐
you are SO ungrateful.
you have no respect or appreciation.
read at 11:50 a.m.
dad 😐
yeah, keep ignoring me, you ungrateful cunt.
you really should just drop off of the face of the earth.
read at 11:53 a.m.
—————
[texts!]
mom 🙁 — eleanor
lilianna — lily
mom 🙁
i'm sorry about your dad
you know we love you
we didn't mean any of that
read at 12:01 p.m.
mom 🙁
just come home.
or call or text.
we need you.
read at 12:10 p.m.
—————
[irl!]
NESSA PRACTICALLY TREMBLES IN PURE anger and instinctive-protectiveness for her best friend.
she clenches lily's phone in her hands so tight that ralfie has to reach over and take it from her to read it himself.
once ralfie does, he shares a similar reaction of what nessa is showing.
lily stays silent, even as ralfie hands her back her phone.
"lils, i think you need to block them—listening to them is only going to make this all worse." ralfie says, becoming the calmer one in the room.
lily sighs, quietly nodding.
"is...is this why you came here?" nessa asks tensely, still feeling incredibly protective over her friend.
lily's face fills with an expression of defensiveness.
before she can say anything, nessa sighs, pointing to her phone that's now in her own grip. "these texts with your parents, is that why you've been acting so differently the past few weeks and why you showed up here?"
"what's that supposed to mean?" lily asks, her voice raising, just a little.
ralfie takes his turn to speak, "you know we're here for you, but you rarely ever come to anyone for anything. and we know it's because you're terrified of being a burden and you just seem more upset than usual."
ralfie's explanation causes lily to falter, her earlier determination to act tough quickly falling down, along with her walls.
"yes." she says in defeat, slumping against the back of the couch.
more tears fill her eyes as she remembers what she said to elliot and how she acted.
"lils...come on. tell us what's going on, please. you're scaring me." nessa murmurs, scooting over to pull her into her arms.
this specific physical contact—especially with someone who understand how it feels to be in this situation and how it feels to be constantly fighting both her brain and her mental disorder—is just the thing that finally causes her to break.
in a matter of moments, she lets everything out, sobbing into her best friend's shoulder with hot tears falling and overwhelming her.
"n—ness...i me—messed up! big time." she cries, trying to hide her face behind her hands as she pulls away, now leaning her elbows over her knees.
"what do you mean?" ralfie asks, worrying for his friend.
"yeah, what happened?" nessa asks, deciding to hold one of her hands in hers when she pulls them away from her face.
glancing at her two best friends, who show only concern and no judgement, she finds the courage to tell the truth.
"the texts...they were getting to be too much. and you guys know how i'm always acting like everything's fine." she says shakily, trying to heave in some calm breaths.
"i should've just blocked them, like you just told me now. but, i don't know...maybe there's a part of me that thought that i deserved it."
nessa immediately opens her mouth to reassure her, but lily raises her hand up to stop her, "just let me finish this while i have the courage to."
nessa looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn't. she just nods silently and waits for her to continue.
"i know everyone's been concerned and to be honest, i was ignoring everyone—i was just so stuck in my head and the thoughts that felt just too real. but..." she trails off, clenching her eyes shut and taking a deep breath, worried that she won't be able to say what she needs to.
part of her is scared that they won't see her the same, or that they'll judge her.
but, she knows that it's just her mind trying to convince her that—and even if most of her friends could possibly do that, she knows for a fact that nessa would never see it that way.
so, she pushes through the overwhelming feeling of panic and anxiety and finishes it, "i was alone, and next thing i knew, i was in the bathroom trying to find some pills. but, elliot caught me and we fought and she told me i couldn't run away from my problems, but that's exactly what i did."
she clenches her eyes shut, waiting for the worst thing to happen—she can't help but let her brain control her for just a moment.
a soft gasp leaves nessa's lips and lily opens her eyes again, anxiety filling her.
but, instead of what her brain makes her think is going to happen, nessa sighs shakily with tears in her eyes as she pulls lily in for a big, tight hug.
lily is shocked for a moment.
but then, ralfie is joining in on the hug by kneeling on the floor by the couch and wrapping his arms around them.
"it's going to be okay."
despite it coming from nessa, lily still finds it hard to believe.
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A/N: ah a new chapter finally!! i hope this is okay. i might start a few other chapters, but here's this one. hopefully, i can get back on a good schedule to write every day or every few days. anyways, enjoy!
—hannah <3