I looked at her chair. But she isn't here anymore.
I wasn't sad, nor angry. Or maybe...but I just wanna stay alone.
It is the last day of the semester and we could have our summer vacation.
After Peter and I talked. Hindi ko alam kung maliliwanagan ako o hindi. O sadyang ayoko lang intindihin muna ang mga nangyari sa akin. It feels like a fever dream. Pakiramdam ko walang nangyaring ganoon sa amin ng gabing iyon.
I felt like she was still here. At kailangan ko lang maghintay, at babalik na muli siya sa akin.
But I know that wasn't the case.
I sigh heavily and pack my things after our class. Mark then approached me.
Napatingin ako sa kanya. "Bar tayo mamaya! It's been months, Gaston." He excitedly approached.
I looked at Peter beside me and he just shrugged his shoulders off.
"And Ada isn't here anymore." He added, still smiling.
Kaagad na tumalim ang tingin ko sa kanya at kaagad na nabura ang mapaglarong ngiti sa kanyang labi. Naikuyom ko ang kamao ko.
"Hey, we will think about it. Sasabihan na lang kita kapag sumama kami." Peter interjected.
Padabog kong inayos ang mga gamit ko.
"Uhmmm, s-sige...mauna na ako."
I watched him exit the classroom, and some of my classmates who are still inside, looked at me with uncertainty.
I walked out the classroom still furious, and it's all because I heard her name. I harshly breath and felt Peter's presence at my back.
"Mag inuman na lang tayong dalawa sa condo ko o penthouse mo." He suggested while we walked through the sea of students.
"No. I'll go to the bar tonight." I plainly said.
I heard him cursing as he tried catching up with me.
Wala namang mawawala sa akin kung magbabar ulit ako. Wala naman ng magagalit diba? And I'm free. I should be fine.
"Are you sure?" He asked again, still behind me.
"Yeah. Magkita na lang tayo sa bar by 10." I answered him without looking.
Binilisan ko na ang lakad ko at sumakay na sa sasakyan. I got in and manoeuvred it quickly. And he couldn't do anything but watch me drive off.
Kaagad akong nakarating sa penthouse. I went to my room and placed my things there. Afterwhich, I quickly got my cigarette and lit one. I walked onto my balcony and looked at the sunset. I'm just in time for it.
I need to take one. I need to relax, to clear my mind. It's been a long time too since I went back to this habit of mine. It's fine, wala naman ring nagbabawal sa akin.
I puffed off the smoke and I could feel my nerves slowly relaxing. This has become my habit again these last few days. It is addicting. Pero pinapakalma ako.
After one stick, I got another one. This would be the last time this afternoon. Magsasawa ako mamaya sa bar.
I slept after and woke up around 8 in the evening. I stared at the ceiling and my mind went blank again.
Fuck! I closed my eyes tightly. Napilitan akong bumangon. I took a cold shower at ayaw ko ng magtagal sa loob. I'm afraid I'll think of her again if I stay there a little longer.
Naghanda ako. I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed how my expression changed a lot. And my eyes, they are almost look unfamiliar to me. Huminga ako ng malalim, I should be fine.
I got my things after and locked the door. Nasa lobby na ako ng nag text si Peter, he is already there together with my classmates.
Kaagad akong sumakay ng sasakyan ko na nasa entrance na rin. I got in and Peter texted again that they chose a different bar this time. A newly opened club.
Peter gave me direction and I quickly picked it up. I parked my car properly and walked in the entrance. I saw Peter waiting for me at kaagad akong nakapasok sa loob.
"We are on the first floor, they wanted to dance so…" His voice got drowned with the loud music and the wild drunk people on the dance floor.
"Hey, Gaston! Long time no see!"
Some friends greeted me on the way. I didn't smile back but just nod back. Nakarating rin kami sa wakas at nadoon na nga ang mga kaklase namin. There was a reserved seat for me.
"I thought you won't come!"
"I'm glad you're here, Gaston!" Some of my classmates commented.
Their eyes were all on me. I just nodded my head and they went completely silent. The bar was wild but our table went silent after that.
They looked at me like they wanted to ask something about. They are so used to talkative Gaston and they are probably waiting for me or spilled what happened.
It suddenly became awkward.
What now? I just raised my brows at them and they quickly avoided my gaze.
"Hey guys! Let's dance!" Mark suddenly broke the silence.
Kaagad na tumayo ang ibang kaklase ko at pumunta na nga sa dance floor ang mga gustong sumayaw.
I just shrugged it off and gulped down my glass in one shot. I could feel it burning my throat. Fuck! I felt like it's been years since I tasted liquor. It feels good.
Nagsalin ulit ako sa baso at kaagad ko rin itong tinungga. I felt a tap on my shoulder from my back after.
"Slow down, Gaston." Peter reminded me.
I just nodded my head and continued doing it more. Some of my classmates continued chatting and some went to dance. They still kept on looking back at me as if I'm just an apparition.
I kept on drinking while listening to their wild stories. Nanatili akong tahimik at nakikinig lamang. Which is very odd for me. I am the life of the party, the wild one, the center. It was my forte to keep the party wild and alive.
Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto na ang nakalipas pero natagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili kong nakikipagtawanan at nakikisali sa usapan. Just like before.
"Cheers sa pagbabalik ni Gaston!" They all cheered for me and I couldn't help but laugh this time.
"Go Gaston! Go Gaston!" They handed me another glass and I gulped it down again in one go.
They all laughed after and our table continued being loud after that.
I am not drunk yet, but I'm probably tipsy. And I just wanna feel this atmosphere. I got another shot again but it was halted as soon as Peter grabbed it from me, and gulped it down instead.
I laughed at him. "Hey! That's mine!"
I still could see his expression well. And it wasn't looking good at all. Inakbayan ko siya at hinila palapit sa akin.
"We should have done this a long time ago! Bakit ngayon lang ulit tayo nag bar? Ha?" I screamed at him.
He looked at me seriously and I just laughed again. Maya-maya pa ay ay may humili na sa akin patayo.
"Let's dance now, Gaston!"
I was supposed to go with them when Peter grabbed my hand again.
"You won't, Gaston." He said seriously.
But why is he so serious though? We are at the bar to party, to get drunk and wild. I removed his hand and went to join the dancing crowd. Wala na siyang nagawa at hinayaan na lamang ako.
We danced and I let out all my inhibitions. It's been a while since I felt this feeling. I miss this. I miss the wild crowd, the loud music, the fun of it.
Ganito naman ako dati, ah? This was my lifestyle before.
Someone started dancing in front of me wildly. She is wearing a red bodycon dress that fits her hourglass body perfectly. With no inhibitions, I grabbed her waist and pulled her body closer to mine.
She started rubbing her ass on mine as we both continued dancing. I let it all out and the next thing I realized, she was kissing my neck aggressively. And then, she kissed me on the lips fully.
I've tried concentrating on kissing her back but my mind was somewhere else. I opened my eyes and saw someone familiar in the corner. With my blurry vision, I was still able to concentrate on her and recognized her face.
I felt like a splash of cold water was thrown into me. I stopped the woman from further kissing me. She tried kissing me again, but I stopped her. I heard her protest but my eyes are nowhere else but hers.
Kitang-kita ko ang sakit sa kanyang mga mata. And I felt like I'd seen death with her teary eyes. She ran and I automatically moved my body to run after her too.
I've passed the sea of people kahit na paputol-putol ang lakad ko sa sobrang daming tao. My head is so heavy and I just wanna puke now. Napasapo ako sa ulo ko at napasandal sa pader. But I need to move fast, I need to find her.
I've tried going for the exit and I was right. I saw her still running away from me. I ran as fast as I could. May mga nababangga na akong tao palabas pero wala na akong pakialam doon.
I reached the exit and saw her looking at me so hurt. I swallowed hard and tried rubbing my eyes. I looked at her again and she was still there.
"Carmella...that was nothing…" I wanted it to tell her properly but it came out as a murmur.
I walked again towards her but she quickly stepped back, away from me. Binilisan ko pa lalo ang lakad ko, she walked back more until she reached the side of the highway. May mga sasakyang dumadaan, she might get into an accident and hurt herself.
I looked at her nervously but she remained the same. The tears on her eyes were hell to me. I shouldn't have come in here, and I shouldn't have hurt her.
"Hey...come back." Mas lalo akong kinabahan ng mas dumami ang sasakyan sa likod niya.
Lumakad ulit ako pero mas lalo siyang lumayo sa akin, and before I could even scream her name. A SUV hit her, right in front of me.
I tried screaming her name but I couldn't. Parang akong nawalan ng kakayahang magsalita. Tears started streaming down my face. I wiped it all away and despite my blurry vision I looked at her again...but she isn't there anymore.
The road is empty. There were no cars. No sign of her.
Napaupo ako ng tuluyan sa gilid ng kalsada. I wiped my eyes again and looked at the road in front me again. And she isn't really here. Where is she?
"Are you fine?" A man approached me as I looked at the road, still shocked by what just happened.
I looked at him and people started gathering around me. Mas lalo ako naguluhan sa mga nangyari. My head felt so heavy and my tears continued streaming. I couldn't control it.
"Ako na ang bahala dito, he is my friend." I heard a familiar voice and the people around me started walking away from me.
My eyes were still settled on the empty road, and just realized what happened to me.
"What happened, Gaston?" Peter kneeled in front as he put his hands on my shoulders. His voice was laced with urgent concern and he looked at me worriedly.
"Peter...tell me...just tell me. S-saan ba ako nagkulang, ha?"
I heard him cursed with my sudden question.
"K-kasi hindi ko alam…ganito pala kasakit…" I pointed to my heart and then punched it hard.
I wanted to ease the pain that I am feeling, that I am denying for days. I punched it harder repeatedly and I couldn't even feel the pain of it.
"Hey! Stop, Gaston! Stop!" His voice panicked and held my hand tightly in place.
I pushed him hard at nabitawan niya ako ng tuluyan.
"Masakit, Peter… sobrang sakit!" I put my palm of my eyes as I couldn't control my tears.
I felt him rubbing my back and sat beside me too.
"Of course, it hurts, Gaston. Sa kanya ka lang naging ganito. You fell in love for the first time." He murmured beside me.
Hinila niya ako sa gilid, and then continued rubbing my back again. I wiped away my tears and looked at him by my side
"Will she be fine?" I asked like my life depended on it, and go berserk if he says 'no'.
Will she be fine without me? Will she heal on her own?
He smiled at me slightly. "She is strong, Gaston. And she will."
Napababa ako ng tingin. She is way more stronger than me and I didn't realized that sooner.
I smiled bitterly. Siguro ako ang naging pabigat sa buhay niya. She must be so devastated that she has to break me. And all this time, she must have had a hard time confronting me too.
Siguro kong hindi niya ako tuluyang nakilala, wala siyang aalalahanin ngayon. I concentrated too much on my own pain that I've been denying, and forgot how hard and painful it is on her part to let me go too.
Masakit ang maiwan, but on her part, it probably broke her more to decide and end everything between us.
Fuck! I'm probably one of the reasons for her pain. And I didnt even realize it.
Napasapo ako ng noo ng maramdaman ang pagsakit ulit nito. I wanted to laugh at myself with my realization, but it broke me more that I didn't try enough to be more mindful of my own actions and hers, of my own pain and hers.
I felt like it's just so fucked up.
We remained both sitting on the corner. And he was just there beside me, watching. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan ang nakita naming palabas at papasok palang.
Hanggang sa sinubukan kong tumayo ulit. I stood up and wiped away my tears again.
"Gaston…" Peter stood up with a hint of warning in his voice.
I could feel my head spinning and before I could even fall down, Peter held me in place. I could feel how heavy my body and my head hurt a lot.
And before I could even talk, darkness totally consumed me. Again.