grey's anatomy // s15 e18 // add it up
Everything the day after felt terrible for Emma. Waking up was especially hard. So was getting out of bed. Which is why Emma decided to stay in bed. The knock on her door was also unwelcomed, but that wasn't different from any other day.
"Go away." Emma groaned into her pillow. The door swung open, Alex quickly making himself welcome and digging through Emma's messy room. "Intrusive much?"
"I'm taking you to therapy."
"But-"
"No, you're not bailing." Alex insisted. "You said you need help and I'm gonna get you help."
"I hate you." Emma groaned again as Alex forcibly pulled her body up from her arm.
"Get dressed. Now." He threw her clothes back at her. "I'll be back in five minutes."
"And what if I'm not dressed by then?"
"Then I get your sisters involved. All of them."
"I'm not even kidding anymore. I hate you."
"Love you too." Alex kissed the temple of Emma's head, returning the door to its previously closed state.
XXX
"Oh wow." Maya scoffed, leaning back onto her bed as if it would somehow shield her from Emma's words.
"Oh wow?" Emma repeated back to the blonde firefighter.
"It's just- I told Andy and Vic that I thought something was wrong with us and they- they told me off. I can't believe I was actually right."
"Maya, I-" Emma paused, unsure what words would comfort Maya then and there. "There's not a problem with us. There's a problem with me."
"What do you mean a problem with you?"
"Maya-"
"Are you okay? Are you hurt? Are-" Emma couldn't listen to it anymore.
"I'm not happy, Maya."
XXX
Emma hated the fact that she was in a therapist's office. Fidgeting with her hands, she recalled memories of her mother, Ellis, constantly insulting therapists that she encountered in her day to day life at the hospital, but more specifically, she mocked the profession, the idea that talking could make you feel better.
"Your hands. What makes you want to do that?" Across from her sat her new shrink, Doctor Elizabeth Chapman. The brunette pushed her glasses farther up her nose with her free hand as she looked at the surgeon's nervous tick.
"Oh, uh..." Emma pushed her hands to either side of her body. "I don't know. I guess I just do it when I'm anxious sometimes. Sometimes when I'm upset too, I guess."
"Well, why are you feeling anxious right now?"
"I mean, it's not like I enjoy being analyzed by a shrink."
"If you don't want to call me your therapist you can call me your helper." Doctor Chapman offered.
Emma scoffed. "What am I in the second grade or something?"
"Okay, so we've covered why you're anxious." She said slowly, scribbling down a few miniscule notes on her paper. "Now, why do you feel upset?"
"Why do I feel upset?" Emma repeated back to her, offended, as if she should already know her problem. "I'm upset because I felt so broken I ended the best relationship I've ever had because I was afraid of dragging my girlfriend down with me."
XXX
"What do you mean you're not happy? I-I mean I know we've had our bumps in the road, but I never thought you weren't happy. Was it something I did? Did I screw up so bad that-"
"No, god no, Maya, it wasn't you." Emma assured her once more.
"Then what was it? Cause if it wasn't me, I mean- I thought we were doing great! I just asked you to move in with me."
"May- Maya, breathe." Emma took her hands. "This has nothing to do with us. It's me, and my fucked up past, and the foothold, and my dad and-"
"Wait, what does your dad have to do with any of this? And what foothold are you talking about?"
XXX
"Why are you here, Emma?"
"Excuse me?"
"Well," Doctor Chapman crossed one leg over the other as she sat up more intently. "We've been silent for a while now, not that that's a bad thing, I'm just curious as to why you wanted to come to therapy."
Emma shrugged. "Well, I just kinda told you everything."
"You told me everything about Maya. But Maya isn't every aspect of your life, am I correct?"
Emma buried her hands in her head. She couldn't explain why, but the realization had sent her spiraling. All the different ideas, all the different views overwhelmed her. "Emma?" Doctor Chapman received no response. "Em-"
"Will you just shut the fuck up!" She screamed suddenly. "I don't need this! I don't need any of this. I am a goddamn surgeon. I don't need to see a fucking shrink!"
"I'm cutting your hours." Doctor Chapman recited calmly. "Until you complete five sessions with me, you're not going back to work."
Emma scoffed. "Screw you."
XXX
"Wait, what does your dad have to do with any of this? And what foothold are you talking about?"
Emma pulled her hand's away from Maya's. "Maya, things haven't been easy for me. Not since my dad died. And I-I don't know why I can't get a foothold on this relationship. I'm trying to keep up with the perfect breakfast and the late night talks and the comfort, but I can't. I don't know why I'm so fucked up. You are such a good person, and I love you, I really do, but-"
"But you're not okay." Maya recited back to her, finally realizing the madness behind this all.
XXX
For the second time of her short day, Emma found herself back in bed, in pain that she'd woken up, in pain with anything out of her bed. This time without knocking, Alex Karev burst back in.
"Doctor Chapman called me. She said that you ran out on her."
"So you're here to take me back."
"I've seen too many people ruined by mental illnesses. I'm not letting you become the next one." Emma followed him willingly, something that shocked Alex as much as the whole situation. "I thought I'd get more fight from you."
"Too tired to fight." Emma muttered, barely loud enough for Alex to hear.
XXX
"This isn't an official break up, right?" Maya confirmed as Emma gathered the last of her belongings from Maya's apartment.
"I don't want it to be." Emma admitted. "I just...I need help. I love you, though."
Maya rested her chin on the top of Emma's head. "I love you too." She left one soft kiss on Emma's head, trying to hold in her tears as the surgeon left, not looking back as the door closed behind her.
XXX
"I'm surprised you came back." Doctor Chapman admitted.
"I have a really good brother." Emma admitted. "Plus, I'm a surgeon. People need me."
"Let's worry about you for now, all right?"
"I did the right thing, right? Breaking up with Maya?"
"I think there was no right or wrong answer for what happened. You knew you weren't feeling your best, and you acted naturally. You're a very strong woman, Emma. And I just want to work with you. Together."
Emma nodded. "Together."
A/N
*cough* it gets worse i just didn't know if y'all could handle all this in the same chapter
-J