Natasha
— There is something very wrong with Brazil.
Steve doesn't listen to me. He doesn't even look up from his cell phone as we walk through arrivals after retrieving our bags.
It's been about twenty minutes since we landed in Brazilian lands and, honestly, it's kind of boring here.
Where is the music? People dancing and smiling at you? Couples kissing. I heard they have sex on the street, but let's face it, that's too much, right? It was Holly who told me, but I didn't believe it. Holly is so provincial! She is that typical European who thinks that all of South America is the same.
Good thing I'm not uninformed, who doesn't have basic knowledge about Latin American countries. I am a person tuned in and knowledgeable about other cultures.
“Steve, why aren't they speaking Spanish?
Steve finally looks up from his phone staring at me in horror.
- What?
“Aren't you listening? Everyone is speaking a weird language that is definitely not Spanish! I studied Spanish at school for three months. I'm practically Shakira, my Spanish is very good.
— Natasha, this is Brazil, not Colombia.
- Is not the same thing?
"For God's sake, do you say you're kidding?"
Why is Steve staring at me like I'm stupid?
— Portuguese is spoken in Brazil, Natasha.
— But I spent the last week practicing how to say "buenos dias, gracias e tu eres muy guapo" for nothing?
"Why would I need to say 'tu eres muy guapo'?"
"You don't even know what it means!" — deconvert.
Steve doesn't need to know that I practiced flirting in Spanish because I didn't want to miss the opportunity.
It's definitely an experience I have to have!
I still remember when I was a teenager and dreamed of traveling to Mexico and hooking up with cute boys.
Muchachos muy guapo, sin señor.
Of course, he wasn't going to cheat on Steve or anything, but a little innocent flirting with a native wasn't going to hurt. Too bad I'm fulfilling my dream of traveling to a hot and sensual Latin country while I'm married.
“It means you're very handsome.
— Actually, the compliment is for women, oh Steve, he doesn't even know how to speak Spanish and he comes to correct me.
— I speak Spanish better than you.
- Cocky! And wow, how hot! — I fan myself. "Why weren't we served drinks as soon as we got off the plane?" This experience is being very dull!
"Why on earth would they serve us drinks at the airport?"
“Yes, drinks and those Hawaiian necklaces, as a welcome.
"Why aren't we in Hawaii?" And stop inventing nonsense, we are not in a sixties movie with Carmem Miranda to invent this nonsense.
- EW. How boring! I thought landing here would put you in a better mood! That the air of the tropics would transform you into a nice and sensual Latin lover. Maybe even a little tanned? We'll have to take care of that skin of yours, Steve, you look like a vampire! I should have gotten those fake tans, you know? To better blend in with the locals! Shouldn't they be waiting for us with that fancy little sign?
“We're renting a car.
Steve pulls up in front of the car rental office and I call Penélope. She stayed with Henry and Sophia who are delighted to be able to train for when they have a baby of their own, as Sophia is finally pregnant.
“Hey, Natasha.” Sophia answers the video call and I wave.
- Hey!
"So, are you there yet?" Where are the beaches and the hot guys you said you were going to meet?
“Hey, shut up,” I chide her, looking back to see if Steve heard, but he's busy with the rental clerk.
“Do you want to get me into trouble with Steve? I didn't say I was going to meet hot guys in that tone!
- I understood in that tone yes... - She laughs.
- For! Do you want Steve to file for divorce and leave me here in Brazil? Although that wouldn't be a bad idea! I would marry a tanned, dark Brazilian, who would take me dancing to these samba schools in those tiny sequined bikinis! I'm sure I would rock it, you know I'm a very good dancer.
— You dance very badly.
- Hey!
— Do you remember that you decided to choreograph Single Ladies by Beyoncé to dance along with the other bridesmaids at my wedding and it was horrible?
— I was pregnant, of course it was going to look awful, it was a really bad idea! But I'm a great dancer, and besides, samba isn't difficult. I'll learn here, you'll see. Steve and I go to these Carnival dance spots like the locals!
— Please ask Steve to record this, I want to laugh.
— You're jealous, because you're out there, in the cold, and I'm here in this wonderful heat.
- Wonderful? You seem a little out of sorts.
Oh shit, yes. Sweat is pouring down my flushed face, my makeup has melted and this outfit I'm wearing, corduroy pants and a more winter-appropriate sweater, is killing me.
I'm about to rip off my clothes and get my bra on right there. Is it prohibited? Pprobably not, it's Brazil. They walk around naked, I hear. Although there at the airport everyone is dressed. But it must be all foreign tourists.
— Yeah, it's hot, but these clothes I'm wearing aren't for this tropical climate...
— I should have remembered that it's summer there and not gone in that winter outfit!
— My clothes are all in the suitcase. I fan myself, starting to feel like I might pass out.
“Look who's here.” Sophia bends down and I focus on Penelope. She is drawing and wearing a tiara.
"My goodness, that tiara must cost a fortune!" Why did you let Penelope play with her?
— I couldn't say no, she's so cute.
“If it breaks I'll have to buy you another one and Steve will kill me.
"Penelope won't break anything, will Penelope?" Look there, it's mom.
Penelope looks up and waves.
— Hi Mom, I'm a princess and I wear jewelry.
— I see, it's beautiful, but you have to return that tiara to Aunt Sophia, okay?
- Is not mine! I am a princess! She rips it off her head and tucks it inside her blouse like a juvenile little thief. My God.
— Penelope, don't do that, give it back to Aunt Sophia, it costs a fortune, you can't steal it.
- It's mine!
'No, he's stealing and you know what happens to someone who steals, he goes to jail!' Is that what you want, Penelope? Living in jail with those arrested for murder, extortion and drug trafficking?
— What is dogas tafico, Mama?
“Natasha, stop it. Sophia pulls away from Penelope. “Don't scare the girl.
— She has to learn from an early age, that's education and discipline! She is already learning from me, I am a model of a disciplinarian mother.
"Oh yeah, hey Penelope, where are you going?" Come back here. And what did you get there?
- What it was?
- I need to hang up. Penelope has tucked a silver candelabrum inside her blouse and is running around claiming it's hers.
"Oh dear, my daughter is a little delinquent!"
— Don't freak out, everything's under control... Bye! Penelope, you can't trip the maid, dear...
I can still hear her scream. I hang up even more heated. Oh screw it, I rip the sweater off and I'm in a black bra. Some people stare, but they must be admiring.
I'm really hot and I lost ten pounds for that trip and unlike Steve I got a tanning bed and I'm getting a beautiful tan, although it's still light, because I want to get more sun there and my skin is going to be so beautiful it's going to confuse me with Kim Kardashian. I could even put silicone in my butt and it would look just the same.
- Let's go? Steve turns and his eyes widen.
— Natasha, what the fuck, where are your clothes?
- It's hot!
"Put the shirt on now!"
— No, it's hot, and that's all right, stop being a straight Englishman, we're in Brazil, my love...
But Steve won't listen to me and he grabs my shirt, puts it around my shoulders and pulls me out into the parking lot. Wow, what an exaggeration!
"Wow, it's beautiful!" — I admire the sea through the car window and without resisting, I open the window and take my father's camera that I borrowed and film everything.
— Natasha closes the window.
— Imagine, you have to enjoy this dreamlike landscape! Hey! — Suddenly someone passes by on a bicycle and snatches the camera from my hand. — Help Steve, you saw, stop the car, they stole my camera.
"I told you to close the window!" - Steve complains and does not stop the car.
"But we have to go back!" My father will kill me!
“No one sent for his camera. And what do you want me to do? Stop the car and chase the bike like in a movie?
"I think I could!"
— Don't freak out, the guy must be away by now, now be more careful and close the window.
Sullenly, I do as he says. Thankfully, five minutes later we parked the car in front of a beautiful, elegant and timeless white building facing the sea, the Hotel Copacabana Palace.
— This hotel is as beautiful as the pictures! — I admire when we enter the room with a beautiful view of the sea.
— Yes, the view is incredible.
“I imagine that must have been how Lady Di felt when she was here as Prince Charles. The difference is, he's not a prince, Steve.
“But neither am I an adulterer who says he wants to be his mistress's Tampax,” Steve jokes. "I'm going to take a shower, will you come with me?"
- Can go. I want to put on my bikini and go to the pool! Or rather, to the beach!
— It's almost dark, Natasha, we can go out to dinner tonight and save the bikini for tomorrow.
— Tomorrow we're going to dance Carnival, can I get one of those samba costumes?
“Are you crazy?
She rolls her eyes, irritated by Steve's lack of imagination, as he walks into the bathroom. I'm in Brazil! I need to act like Brazilians, have the real experiences and it would be amazing if I adhered to the local customs.