Dedicated to AcresBeyondLost because she's always so sweet to me :)
Now
March 31st, 2013
ELLA'S POV
I tried to stop. For Niall. I really did. But I couldn't. Not until I was skinny enough.
I pressed my legs together, and allowed myself to smile at my small thigh gap, that was slowly growing.
I was losing weight pretty quickly nowadays. I've found that drinking a lot of water helps me fight the hunger.
It was addicting, knowing that this was making me thin, thin enough to maybe even be beautiful.
I changed out of my clothes into a pair of old, green sweat pants and a Panic! At The Disco band tee, and headed off to do my duties.
Yeah.
I headed off to go throw up all of my food.
NIALL'S POV
"Ella's looking really skinny lately." Coleen told me quietly, after she entered the bedroom Ella and I shared.
"I thought I was just over thinking that, but since you said it too, it must be true." I replied after a moment.
"Find out what's going on. I can't get anything out of her, but you, you're her entire world. Maybe you can." She said softly, her eyes sad.
"I've come to love her like a sister." I could see her eyes watering slightly. "I know the boys have, too."
"Okay. I'll go check on her now." I told her, my jaw set.
If anything were to happen to my Ella... I wouldn't have known what to do. She was my everything. She always would be.
Coleen nodded, and withdrew from my room.
I checked our entire suite for Ella, but I couldn't find her. I finally opened the door to the bathroom, and gasped at what I saw.
My girlfriend, my princess, kneeling over a toilet, a toothbrush in her hand, and a pile of sick inside the toilet bowl.
Suddenly, it all made sense to me.
I heard her take a sharp breath in. "Niall!" She breathed.
I couldn't speak. All I could do was stand there grimly, and I could feel my eyes fill with tears unwillingly.
"It's not what it looks like." She said hurriedly.
The thing is, though, Ella was such a bad liar, and I knew her.
The only thing I could to was fall to the floor next to her, and hold her thin body close to mine, and cry into her bony shoulder.
And then, she was crying, too. I could feel my shirt turn wet from her tears.
"Don't cry." She told me.
That only worsened it. The one girl I would ever love was emptying her stomach to be skinnier, when she was perfect in the first place. She could have died.
She could have left me forever.
I gripped her so hard, she might have shattered. I didn't ever want to let her go.
I ran my fingers through her mass of soft, curly brown hair. I had lost her for 2 years because of my own mistake. I was not going to lose her again because of an eating disorder.
"Why?" I finally let out.
This caused her to sob, which wasn't something I meant to do, but I couldn't help it.
She couldn't answer me, which I could understand, because her entire body shook from her sobs. I repositioned her in my arms, and stood up, carrying her to the bed and laying her down gently on her side. Tears were leaking out from in between her tightly shut eyelids.
My beautiful princess had lost her crown.
ELLA'S POV
Everything was suddenly becoming hell.
Niall saw. Niall found out that i was bulimic. I didnt know how long I would be able to pull it off, but I surely expected it would be longer than my secrecy had lasted.
Niall saw.
Niall saw.
Niall saw his princess throwing up her food. But that princess was trapped inside the body of a monster.
Even so, his princess and the beast who had taken her hostage, where the same person.
Niall saw.
Poor, innocent Niall. My Niall.
I found myself thinking about how much trouble I would have saved Niall had I stayed in Mullingar with Jen.
He didn't deserve all of these conflicts. He deserved a girl who would never make him cry.
He deserved so much better than me.
Looking at him, his eyes red, lashes clumps together into little triangles, and his cheeks covered in thin tracks, broke my heart.
Watching him cry of my own accord was probably the hardest thing I'd ever done at that point.
If I hadn't agreed to travel with him to London, he wouldn't have cried. He wouldn't have had to deal with my moodiness and bitchiness all the time.
Suddenly, his fists clenched. "Who got these thoughts into your head?" He asked, voice deep and never faltering.
His blue eyes locked mine into an I breakable gaze.
I didn't answer.
"It was them, wasn't it? The fans?"
Once again, I said nothing, and just blinked.
"Dammit." He hissed, knowing the truth.
I had never seen his eyes blaze with anger so bright. It almost scared me.
Niall had always looked so angelic, and innocent. But at that moment, he looked tough and angry as I had never seen.
"Ella Castings," He growled, "You are perfect in every way."
There was no stopping the streaming tears. They fell like waterfalls down my cheeks. I tried wiping them away, but there was no point. They would only be replaced just as fast.
I wondered why I ended up like this. Niall deserved better. Or maybe I did deserve him, but having someone so magnificent and sweet as him had to be compensated for somehow.
I didn't want to reply to him.
I just wanted him to hold me in his arms and never let me go. I wanted to press my head into his warm chest, so I could hear his heart.
Things like that about him always relaxed me.
The gentle thump of his steady heart, the soft locks of blond hair, and how his large hands always had room for me inside them.
What was even more amazing about him was the fact that he would always be so perfect, but he would never believe it.
I just looked up into his wet blue eyes, willing him to see the comfort I needed from him.
Another thing about Niall; he understands me when I try to tell him something.
He gently tugged on my fingers and laid down on the messy bed, pulling me into him.
He felt like home. He was home.
I couldn't begin to explain how much my heart ached for him even when we were together. He was the only person I would ever know that could promise me things just with the look in his eyes.
His hand rested on the small of my back as the other twirled locks of my hair around and around. We stayed like that for God knows how long. He would occasionally lean down to kiss my forehead softly.
"If I let you know I'm here for you, then maybe you'll love yourself like I love you." He sang quietly in my ear.
"Stay strong." He murmured as I finally drifted into a deep slumber.
The thing is, Niall, I thought, I was never strong to begin with.
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