[Opener: Keep you safe- The Crane Wives]
Ren and Nora headed back to Argus with the others who'd be going there. Weiss and Meridian would head to Vacuo from Vale.
"Emerald didn't say much in reply when I messaged her the big news," Nora said. "She seemed down."
"Hmm." Ren figured it was still because of Mercury.
Mercury suspected they were talking about him.
He'd given, over the last couple of months, more thought to what he'd spoken to Hazel, Raven, Shine, Kip and then Penny about.
He couldn't get away from forgiveness and then friendliness being the main themes of both.
His anger at them for criticizing him had ebbed away, as anger usually does, and he'd had to admit that they had a point. Something was holding him back.
In Emerald's absence, he had little to distract him from his lack of contentment with life, and even, in the last month or so of clarity, he'd started to wonder why Emerald had overlooked his lack of help to her in this area as long as she had.
He knew deep down, as Shine had pointed out, that Emerald only meant for good and had always been that way mostly. Her resentments even of good guys had always been so half-hearted even at their high points, it was no surprise it hadn't taken much to sway her to the good side.
Emerald just didn't have hatred in her DNA, Mercury concluded. Or if she did, hers were all the hatreds that came from thwarted love and not from disgust with it. That was him.
He realized also that what had kicked this all off was his issue with Cinder.
Why did he find it so hard to let go? Even he knew, if Cinder had not been as helpful as she was, the village mission would have gone far differently.
The old Cinder might have pretended to be on their side, but would have pushed them into the basement and locked them in so that her cover wouldn't be blown, if she truly still had put her own interests first. She could always say it was an accident.
The pilot could have seen her, but she'd have just killed him and claimed the grimm did it, and no one could have proven she was lying.
No, the thought clearly hadn't crossed her mind to do it.
So people really could change.
If Cinder could, Mercury had to wonder, why hadn't he changed?
He hadn't wanted to change really, but it seemed everyone did if they got close to this group. To the DJs...so how had it passed him by?
He thought that the only people who hadn't really changed were Ren and Nora, actually.
Maybe that's why he was watching them.
Yeah, Ren had never liked the DJs, he remembered.
But he didn't seem to mind them now.
This seemed like a good chance to ask about it. Mercury turned to look at them.
They wondered if he'd heard them talking and looked uneasy.
"Can I ask you a random question?" he asked.
"Sure," Nora was always down for a random question.
Ren said nothing, but if he dated Nora, he couldn't really have been that opposed to it.
"You're the only two people out of the old hero team who never really clicked with the DJs," Mercury said. "Why was that? You didn't like them, you didn't want what they had."
Ren and Nora exchanged a look.
"That's not as true for me," Nora said. "I liked them. I just...all the problems other people had, with trust, with hating people, I just didn't have it. I've never minded unusual things enough to really care. I did have a bit of a problem with Cinder, and you and Emerald at first." She was so honest. "But I got over it once I saw you weren't a threat. I think we just didn't have that much to talk about. I don't mind them, I think they're fun, but...you know some people just don't have a lot in common."
She didn't seem to be lying.
Ren on the other hand...
"I don't like change very much," he said slowly. Always as if he was thinking out everything he would say before he said it, which grated on Mercury's nerves, he wasn't a very patient person.
But he held himself in check, he supposed Ren would clam up if he didn't let him take his time, he was the kind of guy who wouldn't care if he left you hanging.
"At first, I didn't like them at all," Ren said. "And I liked the criminals joining us even less. No offense."
He didn't really care if he offended Mercury, he was just being polite.
Mercury didn't take offense.
"After we defeated Salem, I didn't see any reason to distrust you all anymore," Ren said. "Right up till then I still didn't know. But the gods tested us all and you passed. I'm not one to be unfair if I can help it. I suppose they were proven right. I accepted what they told us as the truth because it was proven right. I don't know if it changed my overall look at life. I'm not sure I had a fully developed view of life to begin with. I just live day to day."
"He does," Nora agreed. "We survived by doing that. We didn't look back, we didn't look too far forward."
[Come to think of it, they are the only characters out of the main 8 who never have told us what their goal was when they wanted to be huntsmen. Even Pyrrha told us, and she died seasons ago in canon. I think volume 8 tried
to rectify this, but never actually did give them any other motivations. I'm not sure it's necessary, not everyone has a huge vision for the future. I just think it's odd in a show like this that two characters who've been in it so long rarely get any more depth.]
"So you just want to survive, that's it?" Mercury said.
"I don't mean to be rude," Ren said. "But I'm not sure why you of all people wouldn't understand that. Is that not your own philosophy?"
"You think it is?" Mercury said.
"You've said it is," Nora pointed out. "It's not like we've never heard you, just because we never talk. I don't think we ever talked before now."
True.
"It just sounds so lame when you say it," Mercury said.
"I don't think it is," Ren didn't get offended, oddly. "We're just happy being the way we are. It's not that complicated."
"Ren and I have always been that way," Nora said. "That's why we're good together. I'd feel bad if it wasn't that way. I wouldn't want to hold him back."
Mercury winced at that. "You think it would hold him back if he had a big vision and you didn't, is that it?"
"It would if she didn't support it," Ren said. "But I wouldn't force her to support it either. If we really needed to go separate ways, I wouldn't hold her back either."
[You can say that without actually breaking them up for no reason, vol 8, for the love of writing clichés!]
"But we've always had basically the same idea of our future," Nora said. "We just want to do what we like, with people we like, and not have too much excitement beyond fighting some grimm. I think we're really lucky. Not many people have that with someone they know their whole life, but it's fate. I think some people just meet each other because they're supposed to."
"I guess that's why you're not rushing to get married and have kids and do all the things everyone else is," Mercury's said. "No need. I don't really see a problem with that."
"Well, I don't know if we need your approval," Ren thought it was odd that he said that, not realizing that Mercury's mind was elsewhere. "But it's not that I don't want kids and marriage. We've talked about it."
"You have?" Mercury was weirded out enough by that to ask that.
"Yeah," Nora said, rolling her eyes. "But it's pricey you know? But I think we're almost ready to think about it. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little more."
Well, this was a new thought to Mercury.
They weren't like the others, maybe, but even they had aspirations and they, unlike him, weren't sore about the rest of it.
"So you're not interested in revenge anymore," he said.
"Were we ever?" Ren said. "I just didn't trust you all, I never said I wanted revenge."
It was true.
"Revenge is gross," Nora said. "And it just brings more grimm. That's how we got in this mess to begin with. Enough fighting and punishment already." She waved dramatically.
"Why are you interested in us now?" Ren asked. "You've never been before."
"Just trying to put together why I'm the only one who doesn't seem to get this," Mercury said. "Even you two don't seem to dislike your lives. So why does everyone think I need to be so happy and want stuff? Why do I need to be nice to everyone?"
"Uh...because people like it when you're nice to them," Nora said.
"So? Why should I care?" Mercury said.
"I'm concerned as to why that's a mystery," Ren said. "You should care because people's happiness is important. Aside from protecting us from grimm, it's also the only reason anyone wants to live and do things, usually. That's like asking why you should care if people are alive."
"One time I would have asked that too," Mercury said. "I'm not sure why it's any different now except that I can't be indifferent to that anymore, not if I'm going to do what I do."
"I've always thought there was something a little weird about it," Nora put her hand on her chin and studied him. "Like a part of your soul isn't there, almost. You just don't get happiness, do you?"
Mercury stiffened. "A part of my soul might be gone, but that's not my fault. My father took my semblance, I didn't ask him to. Apparently that's something I need to get over."
"That would be hard to get over," Ren said with a straight face. "But I'm told that the DJs and some of the others of us can help you with that. Perhaps they could heal your soul."
"Only God could do that," Nora said sagely. "I know that's what they would say. I believe it. Who else could heal your soul?"
"I don't see why I need to care," Mercury grumbled. "What good does it do anybody?"
Ren frowned. "I've never been especially emotional or empathetic myself," he said. "But I don't regret the times I have been. They let you know you're human. We have to care, or we might as well be not human. What else is there to life?"
"He's right you now," Nora leaned on her hand. "I know, you think we're crazy. And maybe I am a little, but under it, I still care. I have to care. If you don't' feel, you're dead. Maybe it hurts less that way, maybe you push everyone out so you don't have to feel the hard stuff, mr. I guess we've had our times with that problem too. but in the end, it doesn't work. I bet you're not really hurting anyone less just because you shut everyone out."
Nora was clearly more blunt than most people who barely knew you would have been, but there it was.
"Once I did the same thing," Ren said. "But it didn't make me feel better. I only felt guilty for hurting people in the process. My semblance lets me suppress emotion a little. It's easy to use that to get out of feeling them at all...but in a safe place with people, you need to be able to feel. Emotions also give you power."
"What stuff are you trying not to feel, Merc?" Nora asked, with interest.
"Shut up, nothing," he got defensive at once.
They didn't buy it.
They exchanged a look.
"I know we're not close," Nora said. "But if you need to talk, we'll listen."
Somehow this bit of kindness was more than Mercury could bear just then.
"I don't need anyone," he got up and moved away angrily.
"That guy is so weird," Nora said.
"Something is eating him," Ren said. "I've never seen him act like he's interested in anyone. Why did he ask us all that."
"I guess he's trying to crack it," Nora said wisely. "Well, I hope that helped. He was sure salty."
***
Not long after they arrived back in Argus, Emerald got in also.
The DJs were still with her, but surprisingly, Cinder was also.
No one knew that at first.
Emerald realized that Cinder couldn't stay on the base, too many people who'd be the most likely to recognize her.
Only a few people lived off the base. Hazel was one, but that didn't seem right, and Mercury was already staying at his house. She knew about this of course.
"We'll just go to Pyrrha and Jaune's at first and then figure it out," she said.
Cinder had no wish to do this--but said that the base was worse.
Royal had not said much to them, but he did talk to Shine and Wally before they left.
"I'd love to hear more about you, if you want to get coffee before you leave," he said.
"That might be nice," Shine said. "Text us," she gave him her scroll number.
"Nice guy," Wally said.
"We should be careful though...our time here is so short, I wouldn't want to overreach," Shine said.
"He only wants to pump you for info about us," Cinder said.
"That's not the vibe I got," Shine said.
Cinder frowned at her then she said. "You can always read people. I'm sure you'd know if he was planning something. You should pay attention."
"Oh that Insight gift comes and goes in strength," Shine said. "But basic experience says that he's not the type."
Cinder didn't look convinced.
"You could just ask him," Shine suggested.
"No." Cinder said.
"You make more trouble for yourself by worrying about people so much," Wally shook his head.
"Of course it doesn't help to tell her that," Shine mused. "But then I don't know what would. I would just pray about it if I were you."
"I don't think that will help," Cinder said.
Her view of God was that He would lend his power to stop grimm, sure, as He didn't like them either, but to her personal issues? She wouldn't have expected anyone to care about those.
Shine studied her like she was reading her mind.
"Have you tried it?"
"It wouldn't matter," she dodged the question.
"I don't think anyone would recognize you," Emerald interrupted this to say. "But just don't make too much eye contact."
Though Cinder had once been famous, it had been so long and the posters of her had been taken down, and she, other than being beautiful, didn't really look that different from most people anymore, that really it wasn't likely anyone would know her who hadn't seen her face many times and memorized it.
Cinder's vanity was not what it had been and she no longer wore clothing that would have drawn attention to her too overtly except for her taste in jewelry, she just couldn't bear to give that up.
Granted, if other people could make their own glass jewelry it was doubtful they'd give it up either. [I wouldn't.]
"Ms. Fay paid for the delivery," Royal told them before they'd quite left the landing area. "So I'm good to fly back whenever. Tomorrow probably."
This certainly didn't seem like him being overly anxious to do something, but...
Cinder didn't like it.
"I'd rather fly with a different pilot..." she told the others.
"You can switch it as long as you have the money, you just have to ask at the relocation center and the shipping center," Emerald said. "Roman could help with that--but why? Who's more trustworthy than Zapato?"
"She thinks he's out for revenge," Wally probably shouldn't have said that, but he thought it was so silly he didn't think of it stepping on her pride.
Cinder wanted to smack him.
"Him?" Emerald said oddly. "I mean...okay, it is weird, that he never said anything but I wouldn't go as far as revenge. He's not the type. Besides, if she wanted that, he's had plenty of chances with me and you both to take it, that just doesn't make any sense. Could have just left us to those Irasci."
This was a better point.
Cinder did think that made no sense.
"But then what does he want?" she asked.
"He seems like he's just interested in the sensation of it all," Shine said. "The novelty. Maybe he's hungry for some deeper meaning in life. The gods are gone, people must be wondering what to worship now. If I were you, I'd take advantage of the chance to explain more about what we believe in. Isn't that our job?"
"I'm not anyone who should try to explain that," Cinder said.
"I don't know, you're not so bad at teaching," Emerald said. "I mean you taught me."
"To be evil!" Cinder hissed in a loud whisper so no one else would hear who was on the street. "Isn't that backwards of the goal here?"
"Sometimes things work both ways, you tend to turn people toward whatever you're looking at yourself," Shine said. "I could hardly teach you to do bad on purpose, if I wanted. You can't teach what you don't know. Trying is futile."
"I'm not going to try," Cinder insisted.
"If you say so, but don't you think that could be a little selfish to just let that go?" Wally said. "These things happen for a reason you know."
"No," Cinder said. "There's no reason here. It's an annoyance, don't try to mix this with your weird idea of calling."
"I thought you believed in destiny," Shine shot back.
"That was a long time ago."
"3 years really isn't that long ago," Wally shrugged. "Not to us."
"You think you're so bad," Shine said. "And as much as we've teased you about it, you know you're still pretty young. They're people who go much longer in life never realizing their mistakes than you did. All in all, you have a lot of time to do it differently. Better 20 years than 40 on the wrong path."
"I am older than that," Cinder said.
"It was an estimation. Are you really going to let fear stop you?" Shine pressed.
"Tell her," Emerald folded her arms. "About time somebody did. But I'm not one to talk. I've tried to get past fear, it's just hard. Anyway, we get on the tram here."
She stopped by the sign.
The tram arrived and picked them up and Cinder was still silent and unmoved.
It was night by now, and cold.
Jaune and Pyrrha were still up though, they had plenty of things to talk about.
Emerald rang their doorbell and Jaune answered.
He had a moment of deja vu. Once he'd answered a door in Argus and Pyrrha had been standing outside it, newly alive again.
And he had a similar sensation this time, except that it wasn't as shocking, when he saw who it was.
"I thought you guys had gone home, this is nice--" he stopped short.
Cinder wished she'd not come.
But what choice had she had?
"We have an extra guest," Emerald said.
"She's here on business," Shine explained. "Boss sent her to pick up some stuff in the city."
Well, for Jaune, he took it surprisingly well.
"Oh..." he said. "Well...uh...that's...nice, I guess. So you just stopped by?"
"Can we just sit here till I figure something else out?" Emerald asked.
"Oh right, yeah, okay." Jaune opened the door wider.
"Not my idea," Cinder said as they all trailed in.
"I didn't think so," Jaune muttered.
"Emerald? Oh you're back," Pyrah was in the sitting room they had just off the kitchen. "You missed Weiss' big moment."
"I know, I hope someone filmed it," Emerald said.
"I think Willow did," Pyrrha said. "Oh, Shine, Wally, I thought you'd gone home."
"We can't, remember?" Shine said.
"Oh right. And you brought someone else..." Pyrrha peered at Cinder and then her mouth fell open.
"Oh sure, bring me to the house of the people I killed," Cinder muttered. "That's normal."
"To be fair, you could literally say that God does that with all of us," Shine remarked.
"So that's why you left in such a hurry," Pyrrha said. "Wow...well, uh...welcome, I suppose. I'm sorry, this is just surprising, it's been so long."
"You don't have to act like you're glad to see me," Cinder was set on being disagreeable when she was nervous. "I wouldn't even be here if I had a choice about it."
"I'm not...unhappy," Pyrrha said oddly. "I'm not sure what I am. But any one of the team is welcome in our home, right Jaune?"
"It would be weirder if it wasn't that way," Jaune said. "Anyway, now that it's been so long, I'm over it."
Cinder looked at him strangely.
"Please sit down," Pyrrha said. "Oh, Ren and Nora are on their way here, they had questions about the baby, you know, and we don't get to hang out often as a team these days. I'm going to miss them when they move."
"I think they'll be happier outside the city, but yeah," Jaune said.
"They're moving?" Cinder said. "Oh."
She hoped it wasn't near her.
"Eventually," Emerald said. "Gosh...Pyrrha, can I make some tea?"
"Oh I'll make it," Pyrrha said.
"No, I've got it, it's not like I haven't been here a hundred times and you should rest," Emerald went into the kitchen.
"She knows how to make tea?" Cinder couldn't think of anything more safe to say. "Once they didn't cook."
"Didn't you teach me how to make tea?" Emerald called.
Cinder stared at the carpet. "I used to get fried if I made a mistake with tea..."
Jaune was weirded out to be sure, but he also didn't think Cidner of before would have volunteered such information. She seemed...different.
Shine and Wally thankfully played all this off like it was normal. Their endless reserve of calmness made more sense now than it used to.
"Well, we told her the news," Shine said. "Not that it's that surprising, but I'm still so excited about it."
"I'm nervous to be honest," Jaune admitted. "I mean, I like kids, but...am I ready for that kind of responsibility?"
"But you went for it," Wally said. "I mean you must have seen this as a possibility."
"Wally," Shine said.
Cinder thought that was a little funny.
"Do you want a boy or girl?" Shine asked.
"I'm not sure I really care," Jaune said. "I'm so used to girls, I think I'd almost have an easier time with a girl...but it would be nice to have a boy. We really haven't gotten that far yet."
"I think either would be good," Pyrrha said.
"Before I forget," Shine turned more serious. "I did want to warn you, don't fly around anymore. I'm not sure how it works here, but I know it's dangerous to do that at home in some stages. and don't portal."
"I know about the flying, I'm supposed to work close to home for the next 9 months," Pyrrha said. "But...not the portaling."
"Portaling is a strain on your body as well as your mind," Shine said. "A normal healthy person, it's not a problem, as long as you don't push the limit. But not while you're pregnant. The shock could cause problems. Once they're born, I don't think it matters."
"A baby couldn't travel worlds right?" Jaune said. "They're too young."
"There's no real age range," Shine said. "There's legends about it happening."
"Okay..." Pyrrha said.
"Huh, what if you have kids though, what will you do?" Jaune asked.
"Our missions come and go with years in between sometimes," Shine said. "I suppose I'd just wait.... I mean, one day we'll probably stop getting them. Not everyone does this forever. In fact, I think few people do. It would take a toll on you."
"Oh...I didn't know that," Pyrrha said. "Would we stop seeing you then?"
"I don't know if it would apply to old worlds or not," Shine said. "Let's not borrow trouble."
She didn't mention that with the time schism it was probable they would live out their lives long before she'd be old enough to worry about this.
"What will you name the little guy or girl?" Wally asked.
"We haven't decided," Pyrrha said. "But would you two be godparents?"
"You want me to be?" Wally had never been asked this before.
"It's kind of natural for you," Jaune said. "Aren't you like ours in a way?"
"Great godparents more like, then," Shine joked. "That makes me sound so old."
Emerald brought in a tea tray. "Yeah, it might be weird to notice how you're younger than we are if you keep coming back not aging. I mean...we're just a few years younger than you now."
"Just tell them it's our skin care routine," Wally suggested.
Cinder was looking more and more uncomfortable.
She got up and walked into the kitchen.
"Did you need something?" Pyrrha asked loudly.
No response.
"I wanted to ask her what she's been doing. I mean, you've told us nothing," Pyrrha said.
"I'm not sure she'll tell you anything either. I'll check on her." Shine got up and followed.
Emerald poured tea.
"This is weird," she stated.
"Oh, yeah," they all agreed, but with humor.
* * *
"I know it's a bit uncomfortable, but it's not for that long." Shine followed Cinder, who'd gone through the kitchen and out the back door. There was a tiny patio there.
"It's not just the situation itself," Cinder said. "It's listening to them talk."
"They're just happy," Shine said. "It's not offensive to you, is it?"
"Not offensive." Cinder was vague.
Shine studied her, then she nodded. "I see."
"You do?" Nervously.
"This must be so strange for you." Shine sat down on the doorstep. "Like a thing that's almost out of time. Thinking that you could have prevented all of this if you'd been allowed to. New lives, new hopes.... When you see what you could destroy, life takes on new meaning, doesn't it?"
Cinder paced a few feet, and then she said, "I never...really gave it any thought before. And I definitely never thought it'd be because of Nikos and Arc that I ever would. It's just that, if not for them, I wouldn't even be here now. How do you stare that in the face? The gods could have killed me, and then this wouldn't have been so weird. This is such a bizarre turn around. Even you couldn't feel nothing about it."
"No, I would feel strange if I were you." Shine put her hands together. "I can't lie to you and say it's not odd. But it's...well, don't you think it's very oddness is what makes it uniquely your story? Who could tell it better than you?"
"Tell what? I don't look good in this story," Cinder said.
"And that's what matters, you looking good? Or is it the glory?" Shine asked. "Are you the one who needs to look good here?"
Cinder folded her hands nervously.
"Well...I still don't like to seem so stupid. I don't even know why it bothers me. I never cared about this entire set up, family, kids, all that. But why does seeing it make me feel like I'm standing outside the window looking at a roaring fire?"
"One that you tried to pour ice on," Shine added.
"Yeah...and it's still burning, and I'm still outside," Cinder said. "I knew coming here was a bad idea. Fay shouldn't have made me do this without warning."
"I know this is uncomfortable," Shine said, "but perhaps that's a good thing. Change often is. Maybe if you didn't fight it, you'd see why. It's not so bad, is it? I'm sure it's at least bittersweet. But perhaps it's that you never let in any of the good things of life in when you were trying to destroy them. You knew what would have happened if you let them touch you. And you didn't. It may be that you're not as dissimilar to them as you thought. It's easy to hate what you're outside of, but when you're invited in, it's a battle. Why don't you see what happens if you take the invitation? You've tried refusing it and got only curses and enemies out of it."
"It's ludicrous to think of not having those things," Cinder said. "Shine, you don't understand. I don't regret the things I did because they were evil, I only regret them because they didn't work out for me. What kind of reason is that? It's still all about me. That might be selfish, but it's how I am, and nothing else motivates me."
She sounded pretty annoyed.
"And you're ashamed of that fact," Shine surmised.
"No, I just think you shouldn't keep expecting me to feel differently than that. That's what makes me uncomfortable, people thinking I'm really not that cold," Cinder said.
"I think you're more honest than you were before," Shine noted. "Before, you'd never have confessed to me that you knew it was selfish. I knew you knew, but you never would tell me that. And you know that you should regret things because they're evil, even if you don't feel you do. Cinder, some people are very obsessed with feeling the right things... and I think we should feel the right way, but it's a taught thing. Isn't identifying the problem in how you function the first step toward learning to do it better? I'm not discouraged just because you're still working on this part. Only if you were to stop improving. Is that really what you want to do? Stagnate?"
"I don't know what I want," Cinder said. "Not this." She gestured at the house. "Maybe I don't like living in such a small sphere when I used to be powerful...and feared...but if I was feared now, I'd be dead. I can't...fight. Not forever. I can't run forever either."
She leaned on the wall finally. "That's why I gave up. But Emerald..."
"She reminds you that other people have gone farther than you have, not just dropping the past, but choosing to climb up on top of it," Shine guessed.
Cinder didn't deny it.
"Here's what I think," Shine said. "I have many answers for you, but you're not ready for them all yet. But what you should hang onto right now is a couple clear thoughts: One, it's fine to do what you're doing for now, while you're working on this. There's no shame in just living quietly. But two, don't assume that your whole life is supposed to be small. Who knows? I certainly don't. You may overcome the limits yet. You'll go stir crazy if you tell yourself nothing will ever change, and change is a guarantee. Sameness isn't. You may one day miss that life if it leaves you. Enjoy it. And finally, you're still envious, even if you won't call it that. But you've learned at least 'not to mar what you can't make', in the words of my favorite book. That's okay for now. You do blame yourself so much for being the worst of our batch of students in this world, and perhaps I contributed to that, but I think no less of you now than anyone else. If that helps. All you can do is work with what you have, Cinder, and I don't blame you for having less or more of certain instincts than the others do. Maybe that's your secret weapon in a way."
Even Cinder was not immune to Shine's gift of spinning things in a way that made them sound less hopeless, though she was salty about it.
She calmed down after that.
[I'm sure you all noticed the parallels between Cinder and Mercury.
Funny that Cinder is actually doing better than him at realizing the problem.]