While Wally was giving Ruby a driving lesson, Penny decided to ask Oscar for some advice about the upcoming expedition.
"I really don't know anything about dust," Oscar said.
"Hmm," Penny said.
She projected a map using her eye. "Maybe you could just suggest somewhere to look, as the Spirit moves you."
"But Penny, it would be putting a lot of faith in that," Oscar said.
"It would be just as good as not having any clue at all," Penny said.
When she put it that way...
Oscar studied the map, gripping his staff that he still had--though by now he'd modified it a little more. It was still a spear also.
No visible Aura shimmer--after a certain amount of time most of them never gave any sign of what they were doing, unless it was to activate a special amount of shielding, as Cinder had when fighting the Irasci.
But after a few studious moments, Oscar nodded.
"There," he said.
The area he pointed to was in a section of hills and mountains that had been searched before.
"I think they're pretty much tapped out," Penny said.
"Try the other side," Oscar said, pointing again.
Penny locked in the coordinates of where he pointed.
"I don't know," she said. "How would the previous explorers have missed it? But if you say it, I'll do it.... The nice thing is, it's not that far from where we were looking before, so it won't be much of a flight."
Oscar could tell she was trying to put a good spin on it and didn't really think anything would be there.
He didn't know why he thought that was the right spot.
That side of the mountain had a valley in it that was called "The Great Depression" because it sunk so low. It was said that travelers called it depressing even to think of getting across it and up the other mountains.
Of course with planes that wasn't as big of an issue, but before those it would have been a place most people would have avoided going through if at all possible.
The floor of the valley was so low in fact that if it was closer to the ocean, it would have been a lake.
That said, Penny was pretty sure Oscar's coordinates were either in the valley or along the side of it, but the whole area should be checked.
* * *
"You sure look down in the dumps," Yang told Mercury.
Why he was even still here she didn't know. Maybe he hadn't wanted to appear to go after Emerald.
"Go away, Blondie," Mercury said sourly.
"Gosh, rude much?" Yang pouted. "You are antisocial."
"Sure," Mercury said flatly.
"Is this about Emerald?" Yang put her foot firmly in her mouth.
She got a glare.
"Screw off," he said.
"Right...sorry." Yang was more sympathetic than you'd think. "Touched a nerve.... I guess she left early anyway. Awkward."
"And I really don't want to talk about it with you. I bet your mom told you everything." Mercury was wrong to think Raven would have told everything.
"Actually she didn't say much," Yang said. "Just that you got reassigned.... You're going to work with Penny for a bit, right?"
"Just one mission. Sounds lame, but apparently it was 'not dangerous enough' for me to be a 'liability'." Mercury was still sore about that.
"At least you can't offend Penny easily," Yang remarked.
"Is this your idea of helping?" Mercury said. "Your mom already gave me the third degree. I don't need you to also."
"See this, this is why no one can get along with you." Yang pointed at him with her human hand. "Someone tries to help you, and you spit back in their face. Gosh, no wonder they moved you."
He frowned.
"Fine then," Yang said. "We're not really friends anyway, right? Excuse me for caring about this kind of crap. I just don't like to see teammates get so down. I guess you're above that though."
"Above it?" Mercury repeated, but Yang wasn't listening anymore. She'd already walked away.
Mercury saw Neptune say something to her and then shoot him a dirty look, but he doubted "Blue Boy" would start any crap with him.
What a waste of time.
He got up.
Shine came back in right then.
"I see the driving lesson is going pretty well," she said.
"Well, she hasn't crashed the car yet." Tai was watching from the window and wincing.
"She'll be fine," Qrow said. "But cars are overrated."
"Perhaps when you can fly." Winter was also watching. "But as you no longer can, you might consider the accommodations yourself."
"Don't rub it in that you can still fly, Ice Queen," Qrow said.
"You still let him call you that, eh?" Meridian looked up. "I thought it was off limits."
Winter just shrugged it off.
Apparently she'd decided to become philosophical about the nickname. At least it had 'queen' in it.
Really, Qrow didn't use it to be insulting anymore, it was just habit. Plus he clearly found her iciness pretty entertaining when it was directed at other people, and by now Winter had realized this fact.
"Is Emerald all right?" Pyrrha asked Shine in a low voice.
"She's okay," Shine said. "But you all do manage to have so much drama when we're not around, I feel a little behind."
"It's very upsetting," Pyrrha said. "I don't wish to gossip, but you know all about us, so...well, perhaps you could advise them better."
"I'm not schooled on breakups...but I do think something should be said," Shine mused.
Mercury was frowning at her.
Shine figured she'd better hurry if she was going to try; she and Wally wouldn't be able to stay long.
Mercury was leaving anyway, so she followed him.
Wally didn't see her go. He was too busy telling Ruby not to panic.
Perhaps Argus streets were not the best ones for a new driver.... Still, the car was in one piece.
"Mercury, wait," Shine called, hurrying after him on the street.
He looked back. "No, not you too. I don't need to hear it from you."
"I want to help," Shine said.
"I don't need your help."
Shine stopped walking.
Mercury noticed and paused, surprised.
"You can push everyone away," Shine said, low but distinct, "but that fixes nothing. I'm offering because I care about you. And I always have, if that matters at all, but if not, I can let you deal with this your way. I was asked to talk to you by a few different people who are worried about you, is all."
"Well, they don't need to worry about me," Mercury said. "I'm fine. This isn't that big a deal."
"Yes...your sourness and attempts to shut down conversation about it really bespeak not feeling like it's a big deal." Sarcastically.
"Who asked you to?" Mercury changed tactics.
"Who do you think?" Shine said. "But I don't have to tell you that. I'd rather not, actually."
Mercury thought if it was Emerald, maybe this would be a chance to figure out what was eating her more.
"If you want to talk about it, don't expect me to just listen while you bash on my actions," he said instead.
Shine knew that he was weakening, despite his word choice.
"I'm not going to do that," she said calmly. "I'd like to hear your side. I've only heard the one."
Well, perfect, an open-minded person.
* * *
Sitting in front of one of those street heaters that make cold days bearable outdoors, Mercury explained to Shine what had transpired when they ran into Cinder again.
By now he was a little clearer on what had pissed Emerald off and could admit, not very graciously, that he'd not been the most amiable teammate.
But he still blamed Cinder mostly for it. And thought everyone else was making too much out of his behavior.
Shine surprisingly didn't bother to comment that much on it at all.
"It's frustrating for you to be told all this after they'd made up their minds, isn't it?" she said instead.
"H--- yeah it was." Mercury didn't think she'd understand it so fast. "It was so unfair."
"Because you didn't have a chance to do anything about it before they just removed you."
"Yeah, exactly."
"But they said you'd ignored what they did say."
"I didn't take it that seriously," Mercury said. "People always b---h a lot. I didn't think it was any reason for concern."
"I understand that," Shine said.
"You're just saying that to get me to listen to you," he grumbled.
"No," Shine said. "I really do understand it. I've told you a bit about my own past."
Mercury had, to be honest, almost forgotten that she ever had. It had been years.
But now he recalled that Shine's family history wasn't all sunshine and roses.
"What does that have to do with it?" He was defensive.
"Just that when you're used to so much open anger, small remarks about it don't register as a real issue," Shine shrugged. "People who live in stricter environments overreact to the slightest criticisms. You can observe it with Cinder--she used to get in trouble for every little mistake she made, intentional or not, and she overreacts to all criticism now, whether it was true or not. Though I hear she's improved lately. For you, it's more that small annoyances would never register without someone coming to blows over it. Do you usually notice someone is angry at you if they don't resort to violence?"
"I notice it, I just think it's not that important." Mercury didn't like her weird ability to read the situation as if she'd been there.
"Yes...what if I told you that perhaps the standard your father set is not universal, and is, in fact, far lower than it should have been?" Shine suggested.
"Are you kidding? He'd beat me up over nothing. I didn't even have to look at him. He'd just drag me to the training area and whale on me," Mercury said.
"Why did he do that?" Shine asked.
"D----d if I know."
"Damned, huh? You might not want to throw that word around so lightly."
"Oh, shut--" Mercury paused. Somehow saying shut up to Shine like that didn't seem like a good idea. She still scared him a little after all this time.
Not that she'd hit him, but her intensity never seemed to go away.
She was giving him a warning look too.
"Abusers tend to have been abused in the past," Shine explained. "Perhaps he was raised the same way and didn't see it as wrong."
"No, I think he hated me." Mercury wasn't to be moved on this.
"I'm sure you're right, but hatred is not always so simple. It can be complicated," Shine said slowly. "He might have hated you because he hated himself. He must have had so much blood on his hands, his soul was probably blacker than his name. He feared you also, no doubt. A small, shriveled up man inside he was, no doubt. What about your mom? Didn't you ever know her?"
"Nope. for all I know she just ditched as soon as she could. Or she was just some whore somewhere," Mercury said.
Shine winced at his use of that word.
"Or he killed her..." Mercury said.
"So he never told you."
"Nope. Didn't matter to him."
"I'm sorry."
"Why? It's just how it was," Mercury said bitterly.
"It's still awful, for anyone, not just you."
"I don't want pity."
"It's not pity," Shine said. "Pity would imply I thought you were at enough of a disadvantage because of this for me to pity you. I've not made that judgment yet. But it is sad. And it still bothers you, clearly."
"It doesn't."
She gave him a "get real" look.
"I just think he was a b-----d," Mercury corrected.
"When someone close to us is a piece of work like that," Shine said carefully, "it can twist our view of life. Warp it. Did your father ever talk to you about feelings?"
"No."
"I didn't think so. And did you ever interact with people other than him?"
"Just servants...not many of them."
"I thought that also. You're so socially awkward now, you can't have had that many friends before."
"If I wanted to be insulted, I could have stuck around the party." Tersely.
"It's not an insult so much as a fact. Unless you want to argue with me."
No way.
"So that's it then, so much for my side. You think this is my fault," Mercury said.
"I think that you need to be honest about why you're so angry," Shine said candidly. "It's because you can't navigate this situation, and that pisses you off."
Well...she wasn't wrong about that.
Mercury slumped a little. "I just...it happened so fast. And now everything is off."
"You know, whatever you may feel, Emerald really only did this to help you," Shine said softly.
"This is helping?" Mercury said.
"It doesn't feel like it now, but her intentions were pure. And I think, deep down, you know her enough to know that. When has she ever hurt anyone on purpose that she wasn't doing for Cinder?"
Mercury knew that was true.
He shook his head sullenly.
"Or does it bother you because you know that?" Shine read him so easily again. "Because that means the problem is you, and it always is you. You're always beneath her. That's what you think, right?"
"Who said I think that?" Grumpily.
"I've thought this ever since our first mission, which to me wasn't that long ago, but to you.... Well, I don't know if you recall the fights you had along the way. I do. It almost seems to be that it came back to you thinking she would abandon you for better friends. Even pushing her to do it."
"Push her to?"
"What do you think all your griping was about?" Shine gestured. "You complain that she's turned to a goody two-shoes and she's too nice, but the only person that fools is probably her--and the less perceptive of the others, I guess. But to me it just seemed you figured that she'd do that eventually and you were self-foiling so you wouldn't be hurt when it did. But it's taken so long for it happened that you were hurt anyway."
"Hurt? I never said I was--" Mercury stopped.
Shine just shook her head at him.
"This is why I never wanted to be friends with anyone." Mercury changed his tune. "People can't be relied on to stick to something. Once they have a better option."
"Or does she want you to have a better option?"
"That's bulls---! I didn't need a better option. Things were fine."
"Fine is not the same as good."
"You sound just like them now," Mercury said.
"Do you think I will allow you to gripe at me until I agree with you?" Shine said. "I understand why you're upset, Mercury, I really do. I've had similar issues as you're having currently...just that I didn't have as many people trying to help me. But I've heard about this from more than one person. I won't even say that they couldn't have handled this whole thing a little better in some ways, but they're like you--they're still learning how to do this overall. Though are they really wrong? Do you really think they are?"
Mercury frowned. "Like you said, I didn't think I'd have to do anything about it."
"Merc, the problem you really have is that it takes something of this magnitude to make you think there's a reason for you to do something, but someone telling you multiple times that you were making problems for them doesn't do it."
Silence.
Ouch.
"That said," Shine softened, "I understand that you're not sure what to do to fix it. I've...been socially challenged many times in the past. And I still am, in my own life. We're all the most blind to our own actions and their results. I think sometimes we're afraid to think we affect people as much as we do. I hate hurting people, but I do it by accident, and I do it on purpose, sometimes. Are we above that? I wish."
"We're not the same," Mercury said. " I don't care what your past was. Now you're Miss Wisdom and Love and crap to everyone. And I'm the guy no one likes."
"I think they like you more than you realize," Shine said. "But I had to work to be this person. I wasn't born that way. Once, people told me, much the same as you, that I was rude and inconsiderate and harsh. As you'll recall, I got told that even here at first. Maybe I was sometimes. On the other hand, once people get to know me, they find other sides to me, and they do to you also. The real difference between us is that I let people get to know me more often than you do. And I can admit that I like them and they have their good points. Once I didn't find that so easy, but I worked at it. It was really uncomfortable at first, now it's much easier. Being kind to people takes practice, but it feels good once you've gotten used to it. I believe the real issue here is that they wish you wanted to learn."
"What good would it do if I did? I'm not the kind of person who likes that crap. And I don't like people."
"I know." Shine waited a few moments, but he said nothing else.
"The truth is, Mercury, we don't like people if we think they dislike us," Shine said. "Usually. Mature people might be able to like someone anyway, but it takes a long time. I'm not sure I'm there yet except with my students. It's easier then. When your whole goal is teaching, you overlook people's blunders more by nature. But did you even wonder why you dislike people so much?"
"I just do."
"No one is born that way," Shine insisted.
"I don't wonder that." Mercury was sour.
Shine sighed. "You don't make this easy for yourself."
"I don't want to talk about my feelings," Mercury said. "Unless you have an idea of how to get them all to change their minds, it's not helping me."
"Hey, kid, you ever think maybe what I'm telling you is what would change their minds?" Shine said. "This is the fastest way to do it. And if I go back in there and tell them all I think you should get another chance, don't you think they'd give it to you?"
Pause.
She was right--her opinion held a lot of sway with them now.
"Would you do that?" Mercury said, a bit cautiously, because he didn't think Shine would have offered that in that way if she was planning on doing it.
"No freaking way," Shine said. "So far you've been giving me a hard time too, and I'm trying to help you. If this how you treat me, someone who's trying to help you only, despite many times where you've been less than amiable to me about it and one time you got me captured by mad scientists and tortured...well, how would you treat people who are less patient than I am?"
Ouch again.
"Not that remembering all that makes it easier for you," Shine said. "Because you feel guilty."
"I don't feel guilty," Mercury said.
"Do you feel happy?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
"If you don't feel happy, then chances are you feel guilty about something," Shine insisted. "Even if you don't recognize the feeling as guilt. And all we've done is ask you to stop tearing people down and to let us help you. Just why is that so offensive, Mercury? Why are you so angry at us for such simple requests? Why do they feel so huge to you? Every little time someone has a problem with what you do, you treat it as if it's the hill you'd like to die on. Why is that?"
Mercury recoiled from this question. "I don't know. I just don't like people telling me what to do."
"Unless telling you what to do is telling you to kill innocent people."
Silence.
"You see the problem here, right?" Shine pressed her point. "You minded that less than you mind people giving you actually helpful advice."
When she put it that way...
Mercury tried to think of a way to argue the point, but nothing he thought of would have held water for a second.
After a long pause, he leaned back on the lamp heater, with an air of giving up.
"What is wrong with me, huh?" he said flatly.
Shine didn't answer right off, but after a moment she said quietly, "You're used to one thing, and it's not goodness. I'm guessing you no longer like evil. That, like all of us, being in what we do has made your conscience sharper--but it can become dull again if you keep deadening it. And we're left with this uneasy feeling of being wrong but no clarity about why. The thing about your past is, it has roots. And if you are not actively growing new roots and dragging out the old ones, those roots will form branches in your behavior. Like weeds, they grow back again and again. You need transplants of other things. I did too. We all do. Our nature isn't such an easy thing to change."
"I know you love to talk about that." Mercury shook his head. "But this isn't that simple. If you're right, then it's all jacked up from the start. I can't change my past."
"And you can't let go of it, can you?"
"I've tried to leave it behind, but I still don't like anyone." Mercury frowned at the street. "If that's the real reason why, I guess that explains why it's never changed."
"Another reason it has never changed is because you are still angry at your father."
Shine threw that bomb in a tone that showed she knew it would bother him, and she was right.
"Why shouldn't I be?!" Very terse.
In fact, Mercury said it more angrily than he intended to. And surprised himself.
Shine also flinched.
But she didn't back down.
"You have reason to be angry," she said. "But it doesn't mean that anger is helping you. And he's gone now. You've had your vengeance already. He's dead. You could let him die."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just think about it." Shine spread out her hands like she had a vision board. "The identity that your father handed to you is Mercury Black, the assassin or would-be assassin. The jerk. The killer. The bad guy, in other words. And that Mercury Black never had a chance to be anything else. He had to survive."
This speech was more triggering to him than he'd have thought from the words she was saying.
But he felt tense just listening to it.
"Stop," he said. "I get the idea."
"I'm sorry...but we must say these things outright if we want them to become weaker." Shine was firm. "On the other hand, the Mercury Black that we've come to know is not all those things. That Mercury stuck his neck out for Emerald because she needed help, he is one to call things as they are, and he has turned his life another direction. He's not following his father's path anymore because he no longer has to. That Mercury helped us save the world."
The effect of these words, corny as he'd have said they were, was odd. Stirring, but painful at the same time.
"So you can spin things more than one way," he said. "So what?"
"Which is real?"
"I don't know."
"Both of those people are inside you still." Shine pointed to him. "And there's a popular story in my world: A man says to his friend, 'I have two wolves fighting inside me,' (or bears in some versions) and the friend says, 'Which one will win?' And the first man says, 'The one I feed.' This is true enough. You may never be like your father, no matter how far you fall, because you are not the same person. But you may be the worst version of yourself, if you feed that man. The Bible calls it your old self, as you might know by now."
Mercury was sober by now. "Maybe I haven't really changed then."
"No, you have. You'd never have listened to this from me years ago," Shine said. "That's good."
She hugged her knees, as it was still quite cold. "But being brave enough to listen to criticism is not the goal--being brave enough to change is. I'm not looking for you to become a doormat who just takes all insults hurled at him and doesn't care anymore. You getting offended about it would be a better sign than that. At least then you still care. You didn't used to care much if people accused you of being a jerk. Perhaps it's because Emerald is the only person you care much about impressing."
Silence. She was right still, but he didn't want to say it.
"Listening is the first step," Shine said, shrugging. "I can give you more, but they'd only fix the mechanical issues, and those ones are small enough. What's in your heart is what's going to come through to people, and that is the issue...and that's why you will not like the real advice I have for you."
"What is it?" Mercury couldn't resist asking after she said that.
"Try to hear this with an open mind," Shine prefaced it, "but I really think you need to forgive your father."
OPEN MIND?!
"What?" Mercury stood up. He was so mad. "Are you out of your mind!? Forgive that SOB?! That piece of s---!? Do you know what kind of monster he was?"
Shine just stared at him, unmoved.
Mercury let loose a few more invectives, but then he stopped. "Why would you ever say that?"
"Mercury, listen to me carefully," Shine said evenly. "Do you remember who it was who got me captured by Victoria?"
Pause.
"And who it was who killed Pyrrha, who I later had to help. And attacked me too," Shine said. "And who was behind it all in a way, who I went to and had a long heart-to-heart chat with?"
Mercury frowned at the ground.
"I'm not telling you anything I haven't had to practice myself," Shine said, "with my own father also. It took me years. I still am working on it. But I've started. Some of those people will never tell me they were wrong. And it may never be easy for me to talk to some of them. Others I feel okay with now. But I wouldn't punish them for it. Sometimes forgiveness is simply losing the need to punish. You have killed him already, but you feel the need to murder him with your blame, your words, your hate, even now. And this is, I believe, what's in your way the most. It colors everything else about your life. Unforgiveness always does."
"My father doesn't deserve pity or forgiveness," Mercury said. "He was terrible, not just to me, but to everyone."
"I know that. But no one deserves it," Shine said. "And you have been forgiven so, so much by your friends, however little you act like you appreciate it. Emerald forgave you for what you almost did to her, because she knew she'd understood it at one time. And so did we. I knew you did it because you were misguided and desperate. I can only wonder why your father turned to such a man, but surely it could not all have been his own doing. If you could find even a shred of pity for him, if only to admit that he must have been severely misguided himself to turn out that way, it might help you let it go."
"I don't want to let it go," Mercury said.
"I know." Shine stood up and stepped away from the lamp. "But it's going to kill you if you don't. Don't you see? You can't forgive Cinder either. I bet if there were more people here like Tyrian, you'd feel the same with them. Can you even forgive some of our own hero team for some of what they said and did at first while they didn't trust you? As justified as they might have been in that? All of this you can't let go of, because you can't let go of that. The Mind Grimm come right for you, because you have all this darkness inside you. It's not your own nature, but it's your nature to be resentful. And you must curb it. No one can do this alone. God must give us the ability to forgive. One of my heroes said that. I think I sent you the book The Hiding Place."
Mercury had actually read the book, per Emerald's recommendation and her promise that it had pretty dark stuff in it. He hadn't liked it that much because of all the "sappy" stuff.
But he did remember, now that Shine said it.
He frowned.
"Mercury, I know this is not easy." Shine sounded tired suddenly. "It wasn't easy for me. I'm very good at holding grudges. Out of fear mostly. I feared people would keep hurting me if I didn't hang onto what they did and remind myself of it. Just made it harder for me. But people don't always want to hurt you. You're hurting them instead by putting them through that same filter. I've realized that with my real friends I have. I know that you'd rather be sick than do this thing. I get it. You think that your anger is different from other people's, but it's not. We all have that rage and hatred inside us at some point in our lives, or we're much better than most people. But because it's the same, I know it can be cured. It takes a long time, but it can be. If you would simply choose, even now, to ask that you will be able to someday, that's a start. And don't even start with your father if you'd prefer not to. Try someone smaller. God will make you willing and able with time. But you must let Him. There must be something for Him to start with. And...over time, you know, we do learn that things aren't as simple as they look."
Mercury shook his head. "Is this all you're going to tell me to do?"
"I can give you rules," Shine said slowly. "And they might help on the surface, but not enough. I'll write you a list of them later if you like. It still may do you good even if you ignore my other advice. But this is the big, ugly thing I see in you, and I'm not blaming you. I think it's only natural to feel the way you do. But you see...we deal in the supernatural. You are acting as a mere human, but I ask you to rise about that, as we all must. Christ forgave the people who were crucifying him, even as they were doing it, unjustly, and He had loved more than anyone else. But because He was love, He knew that we must not hate sinners. Sin, yes, but not sinners. Sinners pay for their own sins in such a way that, if we get free of it ourselves, we pity them. But I won't ask you to get to that point right now. We are told that if we don't forgive, we can't be forgiven, and for you that might be quite literal, as, if you do not make some changes, the others cannot trust you."
Mercury was still seething, but deep down he knew she was right about that last part.
"So, you can do this hard thing that will become easier," Shine said, "or you can do the easy thing, that will get harder, trust me. It's harder to live with yourself when you hate yourself than it is to stop hating someone else by degrees. I can give you all the help I know if you choose to do the right thing. And others will too. I can't do it for you, though. But is this at least clear enough? Could I have been more plain?"
Clearly she wanted some acknowledgement that he understood.
Mercury choked down his wish to be snarky with her again. It wouldn't be worth it--she was too good at making you pay for it.
"No," he said stiffly.
Shine knew better than to push it.
"Okay then," she backed off. "I'll let you think about it then. But, as I don't know when I'll see you in person again, I'll say this also: More people love you than you realize, and they know you do not have the training for it, and they understand that. And, you cannot see it in yourself, but I have seen you capable of more kinds of love and bravery than many people ever attain to. I wouldn't put such effort in with you if I didn't think you could live up to that all the time. There's so much more I'd tell you about it, if it wouldn't just confuse you right now...but the hardest step is going to be committing to it. Past that, it would get easier for you. That's the hope I can give you for now."
She shrugged. "Sometimes there are things I can't say either, you know. We're only human...limited. But I tried."
She left him to think about all that.
["Just Like Yesterday"--Tyler Joseph]
[Whew. Raven's speech was brutal, but Shine hits every nerve.
In a good way though. That was one massive therapy trip even for me.]
[And this will tie in to kip and Penny; I didn't forget that the mini arc was about them. It's just more set up.]