Violet had asked me to join the girls with tea. I like having tea in the family drawing room. It was less about being formal and more about talking. We didn't have to worry about entertaining people, and after spending time with my mother, I was happy to worry less about that. I just wanted to try and find some peace. "I saw your mother was here," Hyacinth slip that into the conversation with no trouble and all my peace vanished just as fast.
"We all saw her mother was here," Eloise pointed out as I reached over to make my cup of tea.
"She's a very...powerful woman," Hyacinth said and I could tell by her tone there was something more to it.
"She's terrifying," Eloise stated.
"I just didn't want to say it," Hyacinth quickly added.
"Girls!" Violet scolded us. "She is not terrifying."
I snorted, "Yes, she is. I've seen wolves pretend to be dead just to hide from her."
Violet looked at me with a glare, "That is not true."
I paused before slightly shrugging my shoulders, "No, it's not, but that doesn't make her any less terrifying."
"She wasn't always like that, you know. I remember when she was full of life and hope and she wasn't afraid of anything. I was rather envy of her for that. I wanted to be just like her."
I felt like we weren't talking about the same person, but I knew that we were..."What happened?" I asked, feeling myself leaning in with interest.
Violet slightly shrugged as she drank her tea, "I don't know. I could tell something was slowly changing her. My guess is that the worries are generational."
I took a drink of my tea, hoping the wideness of my eyes would hid behind the cup. Generational. That is a mean word. If it really happens to every generation then I'm going to be this mean to my daughter. I'm going to be a horrible mother! I didn't want to be a horrible mother! What am I going to do? No, no, no, no, no, no. I need to change. I need to do things that my mother wouldn't do. I need to be willing to do different things. I need to apologize for my mistakes. Oh crap! I know exactly who I need to talk to. And it's going to be easy. Apologizing to Anthony Bridgerton never is.
Later when I was no longer busy and less people are around, I knocked on Anthony's office door, waiting for him say 'come in'. I didn't hear that, but I can tell someone is in this office. I try not to barge into people's offices, but, maybe if I act like I'm not barging in, I won't get yelled at for barging in. It's not like I wouldn't deserve it. I swung open the door, seeing I was right because he was sitting at his desk, "Glad I found you. I don't know why it was hard because you are always in here."
"What do you need, Charlotte?" Anthony asked without looking up from his ledger. I'm not even sure how he knew it was me.
"Alright. Straight to the point. I'm sure you're very busy today," I said but Anthony never looked up at me. "I just want to apologize for yelling at you," I paused for a moment, and he was acting like he didn't hear anything. "Anthony?" He was just working without another word. "Are you listening to me?!"
Anthony sighed, looking up at me, "I thought you were done with me?"
I huffed in frustration, "I am trying to apologize." I stated like that was a way to apologize.
"Don't. I don't need it. You can leave now," Anthony tried to dismiss me. He's never dismissed me. Just when I was about to walk away he looked back up at me, "Just so you know, if I'm so awful, you can always go stay with your mother."
I don't know what bothered me more. The fact that he was telling me to go stay with my mother or that he thinks I think he's awful. "Anthony-"
"I have work to do, Charlotte," He didn't even look back up at me. I took a deep breath in, walking out of his office and shutting the door behind me. I guess I got what I wanted. I wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted to stop being so confused and heart broken, but I didn't think it would be this hard. —No!— This is not happening. Maybe I will stay with my mother. That will show Anthony for ignoring me. I'm supposed to be ignoring him. It's not supposed to go the other way around.
Let's not do anything drastic. If he doesn't want to talk to me, I will simply go talk to someone who wants to talk to me. Even though, I'm not sure I want to talk to her. I should have yelled at Anthony. He was destroying my world. He wasn't cruel to me for no reason. I may be asking for trouble as I left the Bridgerton house, but I was going to do it anyway. If I'm going to yell at anyone, it's going to be my mother. And she is the only one allowed to yell at me. Seems perfect normal for me.
I was walked into the drawing room of the house my mother was stay ing, looks like the only part of the house completely done. I sat down on the couch, waiting for my mother. I don't know how long she would take, but I do know that if I kept her waiting for that long, I would be considered ill-mannered and trying to fight with her. The tea came before her and, I swear, I saw fear in the servants eyes over the idea of the tea getting cold before she came down, but then my mother came in the room just in time to look at my outfit. "The color could be better, but your hair actually looks nice. Too bad we don't have company," She said, sitting down on the couch and I froze. Not out of fear or pain, but because that was slightly a compliment. I can't even remember the last time I got a compliment from her. Oh...she's up to something. "Are you alright?" I asked, pouring us both a glass of tea.
"What do you mean?" My mother asked and I looked down at my tea, trying to come up with the best thing to say.
"Well...I guess...Maybe..."
"Charlotte, use your words!" My mother groaned and it was just what I needed.
"Why are you being so nice to me?!" I snapped and my mother took a calm sip of tea before looking up at me.
"Fine. If you must know, I am only trying to make this conversation go as peacefully as I can."
I thought I was surprising her when I came to visit, and it's like she knows I was coming. Isn't that fantastic! "How did you know I was coming over here?" I asked, using my cup of tea to try and hide the unnerving feeling the whole idea gave me.
"Charlotte, I raised you and even though you try to fight with everything I tell you, I happen to know you rather well."
I instantly felt my mouth opening to argue with her, but my brain was working faster because I forced my mouth shut.
"I want to discuss with you what your plan is for the rest of the season."
And just like that, I knew exactly how this conversation was going to go.
"You will go to all the parties. You will dance with the gentlemen that are fighting for your affection until I find someone that is suitable. I'm sure it won't take long. You will meet him, put your best self forward, and you will be married before the season is over. Just like you wanted." She actually smiled like it truly was something that I wanted. Something I just wanted to agree with. Like it was just a great idea.
I opened my mouth and she quickly put her finger up to stop me from uttering a word.
"I don't want to hear any more complaints. You are going to do this, and I'm telling you that you are going to enjoy yourself. You will have all the children you want, and you won't even remember this moment until you have daughters who need to be married."
Just nod...Just nod...Just nod...So, I just nodded. That's all I needed to do. I don't know why I was stupid enough to think I would yell at her. I can't stop it. I can't change it. It's all I have. I will just nod and let her finish while I learn to hide in my tears.
I made it back to the Bridgerton house and it was quiet. Since it's so quiet I think that means Violet and the girls are gone. That's a good thing. That way I don't have to talk to anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to...disappear. Sounds bad when I point it out, but I'm exhausted. I don't think I could live with a fake smile any longer. I think my sadness is radiating from me because I'm pretty sure a bird started crying and a duck tried drowning themselves in the pond after my sadness walked past. I made it into the house and even the flowers wilted from melancholy. Then tears started to build, and I held my breath to keep them inside. I just need to hold on for a little longer. Just until I get to my bedroom. I can do that. "Just who I was waiting for!" I heard Daphne's voice and I froze. "I've been stuck with my brothers for way too long waiting for you." Daphne looked at my face, and her smile quickly disappeared. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine!" The words were betrayed by the tear escaping down my cheek. "Excuse me." I picked up the ends of my dress quickly running up the stairs.
"Charlotte!" Daphne called after me and I just shook my head, running into the room. I had enough time to throw myself into bed when she came into the room. But Daphne didn't say anything. She just sat down on the bed next to me and pulled the pins out of my hair. Then she started to brushed my hair while I cried into the blankets.