a/n: no Rafe/Bex interaction until next chapter
JJ would give anything for the courage to admit to Bexley that he was also a liar.
He wanted to tell her that he wasn't over that crush either.
Nowhere near it.
It's not like the lie helped with anything. It was pointless. There was awkwardness, the kind they promised each other there wouldn't be.
The rest of the night, Bexley had avoided eye contact with him, like she was scared he'd bring up the conversation again if she looked at him for too long. He didn't talk to her at all that day after their painfully awkward conversation.
The next day, it was the same. She was weird around him, still not making eye contact. She drank beer with her brother for a while, but stayed in the girl's area.
It was weird, the way they divided themselves. The boys sat inside, where the beer cooler was. While the girls, who drank a bit slower, sat outside to enjoy the sunset.
JJ attempted to go out to her, to try to talk to her, he even stood up. But Pope pulled him back down saying, "Don't go out there."
"Why?" JJ asked.
"Look how close they all are on the ground. They're talking quietly. It means they're having a girl talk. We're not allowed."
JJ looked ahead and saw the girls were lying on a blanket on the sand near the edge of Pope's lawn, just before reaching the water. He felt his nerves hitting him. "Girl talk about what?"
"Us," John B mumbled. "What else?"
"Bexley doesn't even do girl talk," JJ said. "I've never heard it from her."
Pope rolled his eyes. "She wouldn't do it with you. They do it together. Girls get all serious and moody and talk shit about the boys they like."
His heart dropped. "They what?"
"Ignore him," John B said. "He's just worried for obvious reasons. He's scared Kie is gonna tell Sarah and Bexley about their little summer romance that ignited while I was 'dead'."
Pope looked embarrassed. "I'm just saying, no way they're not talking about me."
JJ glanced out the window, and spotted the three girls lying outside. He felt just as nervous as Pope.
*****
"So, what is it about Pope?" Sarah asked Kiara.
The three girls all laid on the sand near the water on Pope's small beach. Pope's dock was secluded enough that they didn't have to worry about being seen.
Kiara smiled to herself, hands behind her head. "I don't know. He's just...sweet, you know?"
"Sweet." Sarah laughed to herself.
"Pope's really nice," Bexley agreed. " And he always seems to keep a level head about things." Bexley had no idea what the situation was with Kiara and Pope. But she was scared to admit that, so she went along with it. She looked over at Kiara. "And he really seems to like you."
The pogue blushed deeply. "He sure shows it. I've never had a guy be so openly into me like that." A moment later, she sighed. "I don't know, though. You guys don't think I'm making a mistake by breaking the rules, right?"
"Nah, go for it," Sarah told her. "Trust me, life's too short to worry about that kinda thing, Kie."
Bexley stared at the trees above them and asked, "What rules?"
"We've always had a pretty strict 'no pogue on pogue' rule. To ensure we marry rich and don't end up poor for the rest of our lives," Kiara explained. "No way the boys will let me live it down if I'm the only one to break it."
"Hey," Sarah objected, sitting up on her elbows. "What about me and John B? He says I'm an official pogue now."
Kiara snorted, "You wish, kook princess."
Sarah let out a surprised laugh. "You're not far from kook either, Kie. Your family was invited to Midsummers, remember?"
Kiara sat up on her elbows too and shot back, "Your dad was the guest of honor. He wore a medal and everything."
Bexley laughed when she said this. "I remember that. It made him look so official." Her smile slowed down as she remembered how excited she'd been to arrive at the dance.
And then her stomach dropped as she remembered how the night had ended.
Taking Rafe to the emergency room because he had OD'd on cocaine after beating the shit out of JJ.
"So the rule shouldn't even apply to you," Sarah pointed out to Kiara, breaking Bexley out of her thoughts. "It doesn't really apply to any of us."
"It applies to Bex," Kiara suddenly said.
Bexley didn't know how to feel about that comment. Yeah, they were supposedly all pogues now, but she felt so...inferior all of a sudden.
"I've met the pogues on The Cut, I guarantee she's not gonna have a problem steering clear of them," Sarah said, lying on her back again. She soaked up the sun.
Bexley kept looking up at the trees. "Do you guys think...?" She paused for a moment, but eventually dared to ask, "You think that pogue guys would even like me?"
Kiara snorted loudly. She sat up more and looked over to Bex. "Did you seriously just ask that?"
Her cheeks turned red. "Just wanted your opinion."
"Bexley," Sarah drawled, in the rich girl accent that had always intimidated Bexley in the past. She was wearing sunglasses, but lifted them up to say to her, "You realize you're, like, hot as shit, right?"
Her face grew even more red, and she couldn't think of a response fast enough. She choked up, honestly. A girl that looked like Sarah was calling her hot?
"You've already gotten pogue and kook attention," Kiara told her. "I promise it's not something you have to worry about."
"I don't know..." Bexley mumbled. "I mean...what do pogue guys even like? I don't even know a lot of them. Or...I don't know a lot of people in general."
"All you need to know is that pogue boys really like pretty girls," Kiara told her. "Tourons do too."
"Tourons. The tourists, right?" Bexley asked, remembering the term from her first boneyard party. "The ones here for the summer?"
"Yeah," Sarah said, smiling now. "Hey, how about once all this stuff with John B is figured out, we all head to another beach bonfire and find some."
"Sarah, in case you have forgotten, you and me are both quote unquote 'taken'," Kiara said, making the quotations with her hands. "Which is, by the way, a figure of speech that I think is totally outdated and sexist."
"Bex's single and free," Sarah said. "And by the sound of it, she desperately needs to be shown just how much power she has over men."
"Power?" Bexley hesitated. "That sounds so weird." And inaccurate.
"Think of it this way," Sarah told her. "John B is just about the most attractive man I've ever seen in my life. And you're half of him."
"That's not exactly how genetics work," Kiara threw in.
"I've only ever had, you know...one boyfriend," Bexley mumbled. "And...I didn't really have any power there."
They fell silent.
Bexley exhaled slowly, feeling regretful for bringing him up. Kiara sat up now, sitting criss crossed on the sand.
"Do you want to talk about that by the way?" Kiara asked.
Bexley stayed with her eyes on the tree above her. "About what?"
Kiara and Sarah shared a look. Sarah said, "About my brother."
No. No, no, no. She did not.
"I don't really have anything to say," Bexley mumbled, quietly.
Another look was shared by the girls. Kiara cautiously asked, "You sure?"
"I'm sure."
"It's just..." Kiara hesitated. "If you wanted to say anything...or express anything...we're not gonna judge you, okay? What you say to us, stays with us."
"I don't have anything to say," Bexley repeated.
"I know, I know," Kiara tried to explain herself better. "But even if you just want us to stop talking about boys at all, we'd understand."
Bexley wondered if she was making the conversation awkward without even meaning to. She quickly asked, "Why would you think that?"
The truth was, Kiara felt dumb complaining about a nice boy, when Belxey had to deal with the worst boy imaginable. "When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I hated the idea of love. I hated the idea of other people having happy relationships. I can't even comprehend how you might be feeling right now."
Bexley sat up now too. "I don't feel like I hate love," she defended. "I don't mind you guys talking about your boyfriends. I like it." Bexley said honestly, "It's nice. I like hearing about other people in love."
"Well, I'm not in love," Kiara said, embarrassed. "Things with Pope are way too new for that kind of talk."
Bexley wondered if boys always fell faster than girls. Rafe said he loved her way before she was ready for him to. She didn't realize girls were allowed to say things like 'it's too new for that kind of talk'. Rafe never really took that for an answer. She asked Kiara, "But you like him a lot?"
Kiara smiled. "Yeah. I think so. I mean, I love him as a friend already, but that's a lot different than being in love. I've only been in love with a couple of my boyfriends. Once you know what being in love with someone is, you know if it's there or not."
Bexley hesitated, and then eventually asked another question, hoping it wasn't too personal, "Do you think he might love you already?"
"I don't think so," Kiara said. She fiddled with her hands. "But...and this is gonna sound mean, but I don't mean it in a bad way...I think Pope likes me a lot more than I like him."
"I feel like that's common with guys, though," Sarah said, scooting over to sit closer to Kiara. "I've had boyfriends say they loved me, and I barely felt anything for them."
"Were you guilty?" Bexley asked. "For not loving them back?"
"No," Sarah said. "I mean, it's not my fault. It's not their fault either. It's just something that happened."
Bexley thought again about her own situation. How Rafe said he loved her, how hard it was when she realized she wasn't ready to say it back. And she realized, suddenly, she was never able to talk about it with anyone. She never trusted anyone enough to discuss what had been happening with her and Rafe, mostly because she knew they disapproved to begin with.
When Rafe kept bothering her when she lived with Susan, Bexley felt like she could never confide in Susan. In some ways, Bexley convinced herself Susan was glad that she was having trouble with Rafe, because it proved he was a bad person.
She couldn't talk to John B, because he hated Rafe just as much. She couldn't confide in JJ because...well, because that was disrespectful to Rafe at the time.
Topper was the closest confidant she had and...he was a liar too, apparently.
Bexley wondered if maybe Kiara and Sarah were the people she'd been needing her whole life. Some female friends that would listen to her story without judgment.
"When I was with Rafe..." She paused. Both girls set their eyes on her. Kiara leaned closer, and Bexley could tell she was listening. "...he said he loved me first."
"Of course he did," Sarah said, a slight laugh in her voice. Bexley was glad she laughed. Because it meant they were able to talk about Rafe without talking about...what he did to Susan.
"Not of course," Bexley tried to say. "It surprised me. I mean...he said he'd never loved someone like that before. And-it was so sudden too."
"When'd he say it?" Kiara asked.
"A couple months in? I don't even remember what we were talking about-he just said it, and..." Another pause. She looked straight at them to see their response. "I didn't say it back."
Both girls visibly reacted with a grimace and then a laugh began to break out. The laughter calmed Bexley, and reminded her that what happened wasn't the worst thing in the world, despite what her mind tried to tell her.
"Oh, he was pissed, wasn't he?" Kiara snorted.
Sarah covered her mouth, "No way. What did you say then?"
"I don't even remember what I said either," Bexley told them. "I just said I was going to curl my hair or something and I hid in the bathroom for, like, an hour."
"Oh my god," Sarah laughed, harder. "I know it's not funny but it kind of is. Was he mad?"
Slowly, Bexley nodded again.
"It should be illegal for boys to say it first," Kiara announced.
"I second that," Sarah piped up.
Bexley was surprised how much she enjoyed talking to them. Laughing with them. She trusted them enough to confide in them.
"But...I think I did love him," Bexley said. "When he first said it. I just...didn't like saying it. It felt..." She searched for the word. "Unappreciative."
"Like, fake?" Kiara asked.
"No." Bexley fumbled with her hands, "Like, if I said it too much, it'd lose meaning. I wanted to save the times I said it for when it was more important."
"It doesn't lose meaning," Sarah said. "I mean, think of all the times your parents told you they loved you. It still meant the same thing every time."
What Bexley didn't say was that she never really heard that phrase growing up. Not until she got old enough to pay the bills, and Madelyn started being kinder so Bexley would put aside money to feed into her cocaine addiction.
Still, Bexley said, "I guess it's hard because I know that if I said 'I love you' to someone I wouldn't be lying, but...there's no real way to know if the other person is lying or not."
Kiara moved even closer to Bexley. She hesitated before asking, "Did you tell him you loved him the other day? When you saw him?" Kiara was asking if Bexley said 'I love you' to Rafe when she snuck back into the Cameron's house to steal the gold.
Bexley felt stupid as she admitted. "...Yeah."
"Did you mean it?"
She felt her face growing red. She was too scared to say 'yes' outright, so she said it indirectly. "Well...I wasn't lying."
"Really?" Sarah asked, surprised. "You still love Rafe?"
"He's your brother," Bexley breathed. "Don't you still love him?"
"I don't think I ever really loved him," Sarah admitted to her. "Rafe's always been as weird as he is now. I pretty much just tolerated him."
Despite everything Rafe had done to Bexley, it still hurt her soul to hear that. "But he loved you. You were his little sister."
"I doubt it. We're siblings. But not the mind that loved each other. Not really."
Bexley's head spun with all the times in the past Rafe claimed Sarah hated him, and how Bexley had insisted he was wrong. Maybe he wasn't.
And for a moment, she found herself wondering how much it would have hurt Rafe for her, the one person who actually loved him, to have left him. And she hated how awful she felt all of a sudden.
"You still love him?" Kiara asked again. "Like, you hope that you guys can...be together again or something-?"
"No! No," Bexley said quickly. They could never be together again in her mind.
Not after Susan.
Because, yes, Bexley was often filled with self-hatred. So much self-hatred she allowed Rafe to be so cruel to her. But she never hated Susan. She loved Susan as much as you could love a person. She'd never forgive Rafe for taking Susan out of this world. Ever.
But at the same time...Rafe was all she had for a while. Once he came into her life, he refused to step out of it. He was cruel so often. But there was a kind side to him. She wondered if she had been a better girlfriend, or a better person in general, if she could have helped him.
But she wasn't a better person. She felt like she failed Rafe. The same way she failed Susan. The same way she failed Madelyn.
"I just don't think it's possible for it to snap off that fast," Bexley explained to them. "Just like I don't think I'd be able to flirt with any boys. Not for a long time. I mean...it's been less than a week since I was living with him."
There was a pause. Bexley hated that they stopped laughing. She became paranoid that they were having mean thoughts about her, so she began ranting again.
"I don't want to be with him ever again," Bexley insisted to them. "I want him in jail. I want him out of my life forever. And I hate him. I hate him. But...I also..." She still felt love lingering. She didn't want it there. It just refused to go. The same way Rafe himself refused to leave her side while they were together.
"It's okay," Kiara told her. "You don't have to feel guilty about it. You didn't even know who he really was until a few days ago."
"No, I didn't," she agreed.
"You can take it slow. No one will judge you."
Bexley tried to change the topic, "But Rafe was my only boyfriend, I can't compare it to anything else. Maybe I just don't know how to move on. It's only been a few days since I left him."
Sarah threw out, "I've moved on that fast."
Kiara rolled her eyes. "Sarah, no offense, but you move on while you're still dating people."
Sarah let out a surprised laugh. "Geez, Kie, way to call me out."
"Yeah, imma call you out," Kiara teased. "Because you've cheated on all your other boyfriends. And you better not pull any of that shit with John B. Ever."
"As if," Sarah snorted. She touched the bandana on her neck. "He's not just a boyfriend, you know."
Bexley smiled a bit. "It's more serious than that?"
Sarah smiled at Kiara, who also looked like she knew something Bexley didn't. "John B hasn't told you?"
Bexley was more curious now. "Told me what?"
Sarah told her, "Me and John B got married."
Bexley's eyes widened. "What? No way! Really?" Her heart suddenly burst with excitement.
Sarah laughed, smiling gleefully. "Really."
"Wait-what?" Bexley kept laughing. "You got married?"
"We got married," Sarah nodded, proudly. "I mean...no big, fancy ceremony, but...he's my husband now."
Her heart felt so full. "That's amazing, Sarah. Congratulations, really."
"Teen marriage," Kiara commented. "This doesn't have anything to do with a teen pregnancy, does it?"
Sarah snorted. "Oh my god, shut up. No, I'm not pregnant, JJ already asked me fifty times."
"Married," Bexley drawled, a bigger smile on her face. "Wow. That sounds so..." She was beaming. "That sounds so romantic."
"Did you guys give any thought to the fact you two haven't even been going out that long?" Kiara teased. "You don't think it was rushed?"
"It didn't feel rushed," Sarah told her. "It felt...perfect."
Bexley asked, "Did it freak you out? When he asked?"
"No," Sarah said, "It felt right. I loved him. He loved me."
Bexley asked, "How did you know that? That you loved him already?"
"Know that I loved him? I just did. Loving him was easy. It always is, right?"
Kiara shot Sarah a look. Then she looked at Bexley and said, "Not always."
Sarah picked up on what she did and quickly said, "Not always."
"I want to know more," Bexley beamed. "I mean, when did you even know you liked him? When did you realize you had a crush?"
"Back when he was working for my dad still," Sarah said.
Kiara snorted and pointed out, "While you had a boyfriend."
Sarah rolled her eyes. "That was different, I never really liked Topper like that."
Bexley was taken aback. "You never liked Topper?"
She shrugged. "Not really. I liked how hot he was. That was all I was really interested in at the time. I know he's your friend, but trust me, you know he hangs out with Rafe, you know what kind of guy he is."
Bexley felt uncomfortable. She thought Topper was a good guy. In a way.
He did bad things in the past, but he was the one that told her the truth about Rafe.
"Still," Kiara said. "You should've broken up with him before hooking up with John B."
"He would've been mad either way," Sarah said.
"You broke up with him," Kiara said. "That means you should've waited a while before rebounding. Or at least pretended to wait a while."
"Why? He doesn't own me."
"It's insensitive," Kiara said.
Kiara wasn't even talking to Bexley, but Bexley felt guilty about what she was saying.
Moving on so fast was insensitive.
It was cruel .
And Bexley didn't like that Sarah moved on so fast fromTopper, even though Sarah didn't love him.
So...where did that leave Bexley?
She did love Rafe.
It wouldn't just be cruel if she started messing around with people so soon, it would be evil.
But Rafe was evil, she told herself. And she should have no loyalty to him whatsoever.
But he had been her whole world at one point. Moving on after a few days would be saying he meant nothing. Worse than nothing.
"I'd already broken up with him in my head long before we officially broke up," Sarah reasoned.
Bexley glanced up. Was that possible? To remove yourself emotionally from a relationship before physically removing yourself?
But Bexley knew that didn't apply to her. She loved Rafe, all the way to the end.
But...she hadn't wanted to be with him. She'd wanted to get away from him. She tried. She told him she didn't want to be the one to help him anymore.
She tried to leave him. A lot.
She tried to leave him after Midsummer.s
She tried to leave him after she found out he was still using.
She tried to leave him after he humiliated her in front of the pogues after finding out she went to the pharmacy for birth control without telling him.
She tried to leave him before Madelyn died.
She tried to leave him after Madelyn died.
She did leave him.
She tried to stay away.
But he pulled her back, again and again and again.
"Still," Kiara pressed Sarah. "You should've waited. Everyone saw how fast you moved on. It probably embarrassed him."
"How long was I supposed to wait to move on?" Sarah asked. "A week? A month? I knew I liked John B. Life is short, why couldn't I just be happy already?"
"I'd say wait a week for every month you were together. Or at least wait that long before you announce a new relationship."
Bexley thought about her and Rafe, how long they'd been together. Less than a year. More than eight months.
Would that be long enough to keep her from feeling evil for moving on? Waiting eight weeks before looking at anyone in a romantic way? Waiting two whole months?
She could do that, she told herself.
She couldn't imagine meeting someone new and wanting to do anything before two months anyway.
But then she thought about JJ again.
Bexley glanced towards Pope's house, and could vaguely see the boys through the window.
Bexley realized she didn't like the idea of waiting two months when it came to him, not at all.
JJ was the one person, she realized, who she'd be willing to feel insensitive for. She'd gladly feel like a shitty person for moving on too fast if he was the one she was moving on with.
So it was good that he didn't like her back, she told herself again.
Things would be easier now that she knew they'd never be together.
Two months.
In two months time, when she would consider moving on, she knew this crush of hers would officially, officially be over.
She ignored the fact that she had told herself to get over him multiple times before, and it never worked.
*****
JJ didn't get a chance to talk with Bexley alone, not until the late afternoon.
The boys all went outside finally, and JJ noticed the way Bexley became more shut off when he got out there. When she went in to get some water, he pondered whether or not to follow her. Eventually, he decided to. She was in the kitchen, opening Pope's cupboard, looking for a glass.
"Cups are on the left side," JJ told her.
He startled her without meaning to. She jumped slightly, and spun around. "Oh." She opened the left cupboard and took hold of a cup. "Thank you." She glanced at him, then the cups, then back to him. "Do you want some water?"
"I'm good." He entered the kitchen, and leaned against the counter closest to the sink. She noticed this, and he noticed her demeanor change again. She became more closed off, and acted smaller as she stood next to him and filled her cup in the sink. "Hey, what were you guys gossiping about out there? Anything good?" he asked her.
Bexley didn't like the way he phrased the question. She felt bad now. "I didn't think we were gossiping. Just talking."
JJ noticed how differently she spoke to him versus yesterday. She wasn't being playful, not at all. She was acting like he was just some random stranger who came up and started talking to her. He tried to lighten the mood by continuing to joke, "Isn't that what girl talk is, though? Gossip?"
"We weren't being mean," she insisted..
"Gossip isn't always-" He stopped himself. "Guess I was just wondering who the topic of conversation was. I'm just as invested in this Pope/Kiara romance as you are."
Bexley shut off the water, and he noticed how she was avoiding eye contact.
She was behaving like she was an employee, and he was the boss breathing down her neck, watching and waiting for her to make some mistake.
"I didn't say anything about you, if that's what you're wondering," she told him. "I won't. I promise."
He quickly tried to say, "I didn't think you were-"
"I think I made a mistake the other day," she said, facing him now. "I, um, I was too dramatic, you know? I shouldn't have said I had a crush on you. Crush makes it seem so...dramatic," she said, again, not able to think of another word.
JJ froze, not knowing what to say.
"But you really don't have to worry about things being weird, because like I said, I wouldn't want this to be anything. Not really," she told him.
He slowly brought up, "You think things aren't weird? You haven't talked to me all day."
Her cheeks tinted red. "I know. I just-I didn't know what to say to you." She liked him, and thought he didn't like her back. Of course she didn't know what to say. "I feel bad for bringing my feelings up in the first place."
"Why?" he pressed. .
"I mean, there's a rule anyway, right? No pogue on pogue dating-?"
"Who told you that?"
Bexley was caught off guard by how abruptly he asked that question. There was annoyance, and worry in his voice. She admitted, "Kiara mentioned it."
"Kie shouldn't even be talking about that rule," JJ said, somewhat defensively. "She's not even following it."
"We were just-"
"We weren't supposed to go after kooks either, but now Sarah's here. It's stupid," JJ said, still completely defensive. "An old rule. No one even follows it anymore."
"I didn't mean to upset you-"
"I'm not upset," he defended. But she could tell he was. He almost sounded jealous-no, not jealous, anxious. Anxious and terrified she'd try to follow that rule. "It's just a stupid rule."
"I don't think it's stupid," Bexley said. "I mean, I think it's smart. No pogue on pogue dating."
"The official rule is no pogue on pogue macking, and it's pointless to start it now, because we already did that."
Bexley was caught off guard. Her mouth dropped open, and she realized how long it'd really been since they even spoke about that. Their shared kiss at the boneyard. It felt like an eternity ago. But at the same time, standing so close to him...she swore she could still feel how it felt when he'd wrapped his arms around her.
JJ must have realized how out of nowhere it was to bring up the kiss too. He turned red, and he scratched the back of his neck. "It was a dumb rule so that people wouldn't date within the friend group. It doesn't even mean anything anymore."
She cleared her throat, and forced away her inappropriate, lingering thoughts. "But maybe I want to follow it," she told him. Now more than ever. Because all she could think about now was how attractive he was, and how good of a kisser he had been. And oh, she'd do anything to make these thoughts go away.
"But it's not even all pogues, it was just this thing for our group," JJ tried to say.
"I know, but either way-"
Panicked at her way of thinking, and terrified at where this conversation was headed, JJ blurted out, "It doesn't even make sense for you to follow it because you're not even part of our group to begin with."
That one sentence impacted her more than anything he had said all day. He didn't even realize how bad it sounded, not until he saw her reaction to it.
Her shoulders slumped, and her face fell. Her eyes drifted away from him, and her expression became downcasted.
Bexley felt an overwhelming sense of displacement. She felt embarrassed, and outcasted, and the realization that she was making herself feel more accepted than she had been hit her hard.
"...I know," she murmured, so low he barely heard it.
A long pause followed.
Then, she whispered, with a wavering voice "...I know I'm not."
JJ paled as he was struck with the realization of what he just said. "Shit, I didn't mean-"
"I'm not trying to force myself in or anything," Bexley said, even quieter. She felt a stinging in her eyes, and Bexley cursed herself for being so sensitive. Why did she feel like crying? He wasn't even being mean. God, she was so sensitive for no reason.
"You are part of the group now," JJ tried to backtrack. "I just meant it was our thing and you don't need to-"
"I think I should head out," Bexley said, her eyes now distant.
"Bex," JJ tried again. "Come on, you know I didn't mean it like that."
She went outside. JJ cursed loudly.
*****
The day continued with fishing. John B was trying to teach Bexley how to set up a fishing pole. "Don't put the bait too deep on the hook," he told her. "You don't want the fish to poke themselves before taking a full bike. It'll scare them off."
"What if the bait falls off when I throw the line out?" Bexley asked him.
"Cast it out is what we call it," John B explained. "And I'll show you how to make sure it doesn't."
The two siblings stood near the edge of Pope's backyard, near the water.
"You know how to cook the fish?" Bexley asked.
"That's how I've been feeding myself since my dad's been gone," John B said, with a shrug. "You gotta learn if you're starving."
Bexley felt stupid for a moment, because she never even thought to fish. And she had been starving before. "That sounds smart. And nice. Having meat everyday." She sighed. "I got used to spaghetti packet after spaghetti packet."
"And you're complaining? Spaghetti's hella good. Pope's dad makes the best sauce."
She smiled. "Yeah. With sauce it's good."
John B glanced at her. "Wait-you were eating spaghetti plain?"
"Plain spaghetti is a dollar a packet. Sauce is, like, at least six."
"That sounds gross," he mumbled, fixing her line for her.
Actually, when she had gone an entire day without eating, it was the most delicious thing in the world.
"You should'v e come over to my place," John B told her. "I would've thrown some fish in there. Made it seafood pasta."
She smiled at just the thought of her visiting his house. Or just the thought of having someone in general, back in her lonely days where it was just her and Madelyn.
"We should make some tomorrow," John B said. "Have, like, a whole feast. We can make a day out of getting everything ready. Get some food, some beer. Hell, we'll pretend we're some kooks throwing an event."
Bexley smiled widely. "Really? That sounds awesome. Oh wow, it'll be like we're hosting a dinner party."
John B laughed. "That's right, I still need to show you how to throw a party to begin with. If we share blood, you're gonna have to share my talent of throwing good parties."
She smiled wider.
"I'll show you how to cook fish properly too," he told her. "Once you catch it."
"Oh, I have to catch it?"
"Yup, dinner tomorrow depends on you."
Bexley laughed more.
On the back patio, just out of hearing range, is where JJ sat with Pope, Kiara, and Sarah.
"What were you guys talking about earlier?" JJ decided to ask Kiara. He was watching John B and Bexley. He noticed how happy she was to be with her brother. It was so much different than how she had acted with him earlier in the kitchen. And he realized Bexley wasn't upset with everyone today-she was just upset with him.
"Girl stuff," Sarah answered. "Don't worry about it."
"You talk about me?" JJ asked, narrowing his eyes at her.
"Oh, only about you," Kiara teased.
"I'm serious," JJ said, irritated. "What were you telling her? She came in talking about the no pogue-on-pogue macking rule."
Pope perked up now.
"We were just talking," Kiara repeated. "It came up real quick, we moved past it."
"We were just telling her that if we go to another party, she should focus on the tourons instead of the pogues."
"Party?" JJ asked, narrowing his eyes again. Jealousy entered his voice. "Why are you taking her to parties?"
"So she can get back out there?" Kiara said, like it was obvious.
"The hell are you talking about?" JJ scoffed.
Kiara shared a look with Sarah, and both girls started laughing.
"What?" JJ spat.
"They're laughing at you, man," Pope told him. "You need to cool it on the jealousy."
Pope put an arm on JJ's shoulder, and he shoved it off, saying, "I don't even know what jealousy is."
"You're acting like you did when you invited her to the boneyard," Pope said.
Kiara rolled her eyes. "Oh, I remember that."
"Wait, the party she went to? What did he do?" Sarah asked, curiously.
Kiara gave another laugh, "Oh, just wait, this is a funny story."
"No, it's not," JJ tried to say.
"So he met Bex at the dive shop, right?" Kiara explained to Sarah. "And he invited her out with us, randomly, acting like they were long time best friends. Even though I don't even know for sure if she knew his name at this point."
"You are purposefully leaving stuff out," JJ told her, overly defensive now. "I knew her more than from the shop. I made her a fake ID. We had lunch together to test it out-we were cool."
"He claims they got a drink," Kiara said. "Yet, she didn't drink at this time. So I'm not sure what parts of that story are actually true."
JJ groaned. "It was an ID for her job. And-And John B knew I was there with her. He'll back me up." John B knew they were together because he had to jump in the fight Rafe started with JJ.
"Anyway, he literally sat us down for a meeting before the party," Pope said, rolling his eyes. "Told us to tell him if we saw Bexley talking to anyone else at the party, or tell him if any guy went up to her so he could 'intervene'."
"You sound like a total stalker," Sarah told him, with a laugh. "What-She's not allowed to talk to people? Sounds toxic to me."
He scoffed, loudly. "I wasn't gonna not let her talk to anyone. I just wanted to know who my competition was," JJ said, even more defensively. "I wasn't gonna let some dumbass touron trick her into thinking he was better than me."
"You should've heard him begging me not to tell her anything bad about him," Kiara teased. "He was all, 'please don't tell her about this' and 'please don't tell her about that' and 'please don't tell her I'm weird. Tell her I'm cool, tell her I'm cool'."
JJ's face was completely red at this point. "Would you knock it off, Kie? What does that even matter now, it's in the past."
"Yeah, clearly," Kiara said, sarcastically. "You were about five seconds away from accusing me of sabotaging you by bringing up that rule, weren't you?"
"I just don't get why you had to bring it up," he huffed.
Sarah frowned, surprised. "Wait-do you still like her?"
JJ groaned. "Why are we even talking about this?"
"You brought it up," Pope pointed out.
"Obviously he still likes her," Kiara teased. "Even though he has no chance with her."
JJ scoffed. "Says who?"
"Says her choosing not to date you, like, a million times already," Kiara said. "How many times does she have to reject you before you take 'no' for an answer?"
"She's never, like, directly said-"
"Ghosting you is still a 'no'," Kiara told him. "You think I don't remember how long you were waiting for her at my dad's restaurant that one night?"
JJ's face fell.
"Wait-Restaurant? You guys made a date?" Sarah asked.
"Before he shot up a beach," Pope said. "I don't blame her for ditching it after that."
"What, is this 'be mean to JJ' hour? What the hell? Why is everyone piling on?" JJ demanded..
"I didn't bring up the rule because of you," Kiara told him. "We didn't even talk about you. We were talking about Rafe, okay?"
"Man, I wish I knew you guys had that little date planned at the time," Sarah chuckled. "I would've loved to get under Rafe's skin with that."
Kiara ignored her. "Ease off Bex, Jayj. It's gonna take some time for her to feel normal again. She didn't even want to mess around with tourons, she's not gonna want to date her brother's best friend. And that's if she even still feels anything for you, which again, I don't think she does."
"Okay, well, that's your opinion," JJ scoffed. "And I'm sick of people just assuming this is a one-sided love story. What-You think girls don't like me?"
"That's not what I said," Kiara groaned.
John B, who had caught a fish while showing Bexley how, was now walking her back to the house to show her where to put their catches.
"That is what you said," JJ insisted. "And it's wrong. Women love me."
"I didn't say that. I'm just telling you that Bexley probably doesn't-" Kiara stopped, because she saw Bexley and John B nearing the house, and she didn't want them to hear.
"You did say that, and you're wrong," he continued. JJ still hadn't noticed them approaching.
Bexley and John B were now on the porch, and Bexley smiled, opening her mouth to tell them how John B caught one already. She was ready to brag about how impressive her brother was.
But not knowing they were there listening, JJ blurted out, "Bexley came right up to me yesterday and said she liked me, so you don't know what you're talking about."
Bexley's mouth shut fast, and embarrassment hit her faster than ever before. She stumbled and then came to a dead stop.
"JJ," Pope shot out, tapping his shoulder.
"What?" JJ scoffed. "She did. So I'm not the lovesick one with a crush anymore-"
"JJ!" Pope snapped.
"What?" He turned, and saw Bexley, and his heart dropped. "Oh, shit. I-"
In an act that had become a normal occurrence, Bexley was humiliated by JJ, and she retreated like a child. She didn't say anything to him, she just pushed the door to the house open and practically ran inside.
"What the fuck was that!?" Kiara snapped at him.
"I didn't know she was there!" JJ defended himself.
"What the hell, JJ?" John B asked. "What are you guys talking about?"
"I-" He groaned. "I didn't know she was right here!"
John B scoffed, angrily. He shot his friend a dirty look and went after his sister.
Eventually, everyone moved back inside, except JJ, who sat outside and thought about how horrible the whole day had gone.
*****
The pogues stayed up late that night, watching movies and television. Like at the hotel, they all went off to bed slowly. John B and Sarah shared a room, while Kiara convinced her parents to let her stay the night at 'Bexley's house', so the girls shared one as well. JJ was supposed to share with Pope.
He was restless again, however, so he stayed out watching tv longer. Once he was tired, he turned it off, and just went to sleep on the couch.
So he was still in there when Bexley, also restless, left her room late that night and entered the kitchen. He woke up when she opened the door, even though she tried her hardest to be quiet. The house was dark, and he could only see her vaguely from the moonlight that entered the room.
Wanting to talk to her but not wake anyone else up, he also entered the kitchen. He was quiet too. Too quiet. She didn't realize he was even there.
He watched Bexley open the cupboard, the right one this time, and pull out another water glass. When she shut it, she spotted JJ. She gasped loudly, frightened.
"Whoa, it's just me," JJ said quickly.
She was so scared she had to take a minute to calm herself down. She gasped out, "JJ, what-Why are you in here?"
"I fell asleep in here."
She took a few more deep breaths, and tried to calm her heart. It was hard around JJ, though. "I-Sorry. I didn't know you were still there."
"It's okay," he told her. "I don't mind you in here."
But Bexley seemed to mind. She mumbled another, "Sorry," and made an attempt to leave the kitchen.
"Wait, wait, wait." JJ stepped in front of her. "Look, I need to talk to you, okay? I'm sorry about earlier."
Humiliation hit her just thinking about it. "JJ-"
"But trust me, you don't have to feel embarrassed. I swear."
She finally looked him in the eye again. "I don't have to be embarrassed?"
"No."
"Bullshit," she scoffed. "I have every right to be embarrassed. You embarrassed me."
"I don't think-"
"You told everyone I liked you," she stammered. "God, I felt like I was in elementary school being made fun of all over again. I-I can't believe you would do that. You knew how embarrassed I was to tell you, how could you tell everyone?"
There was a new, unreadable expression on his face. "Why were you embarrassed that I knew?"
"Why do you think?" She became frustrated. "And-I just told Sarah and Kiara I didn't want to talk to any boys and then you go and tell them that-"
"Why would you be embarrassed that I knew?" he repeated.
She inhaled and exhaled loudly. "Why else, JJ? Because you don't like me back."
"You're the one who said you didn't like me first," he told her. "You've done that a lot, remember? I was never embarrassed."
"That's not-"
"I was never embarrassed by you," he repeated. "Even though you haven't liked me back literally the entire time I've known you."
"I didn't announce that to all your friends, you did that." She frowned, and crossed her arms. "How could you do that to me? You know how out of place I feel already. Now you're making fun of me-"
"No, I wasn't! They were making fun of me! You didn't hear the conversation. They were teasing me. Poking fun at me. Saying you didn't like me, that you never would."
"You don't like me in the first place, so why would that even bother you?" Bexley asked.
JJ scoffed. He shook his head. "C'mon, why do you think that bothered me?"
She hesitated for a moment. Bexley leaned against the kitchen counter. "It shouldn't. That's the point. You didn't need to go spreading my embarrassing secrets around just so they could target me instead of you."
Hurt flashed in his eyes. "Why is it embarrassing?" he repeated. She opened her mouth, but he cut her off, "Because it's me? You're embarrassed because I'm an embarrassing person to have feelings for?"
Her face dropped. "No. You know that's not what I meant."
He scoffed again. There was another flash of hurt, but this time it stayed. "Because you think I'm just as embarrassing as everyone else does, right? You think I'm the friend people need to watch out for, I'm not some actual love interest. I'm just a sidekick, right?"
"That's not-"
"I'm just some dumbass, good for nothing pogue. And everyone that sees me knows it." JJ didn't even realize it, but he was letting his father's hurtful insults spew out of his mouth. Every bad name JJ's father called him, suddenly JJ was believing it.
Bexley felt uneasy. "Who said that to you?"
"You like me, but you don't want to ever be with me?" he asked, a waver in his voice. "How-How am I supposed to take that, Bex? Am I really so bad?" He sounded pitiful now. He wished he didn't, but he didn't know how to stop.
"I never said that," she insisted. "And you shouldn't be the one upset, I should. Because you're the one pointing out to everyone that I like you and you don't feel the same way anymore."
"You're the one who said I didn't like you, Bex, not me."
"You-" She froze. "What? No...I'm not the one who..." She hesitated again. "You said you were totally over me. Totally. You said totally-"
"What was I supposed to say, Bex?"
"But..." She was taken aback. She felt herself gripping onto the counter behind her. "What does that mean?"
"What do you think it means? It means I was a liar too."
"But you..." In her mind, she was so convinced she was misunderstanding him. Because she had to be. Because this wasn't making sense to her. She was unsure what to do, or say, or think. "...But...Why wouldn't you say anything yesterday?"
"Because you caught me off guard," JJ told her. "Because-Because you just got done telling me you didn't want anything to do with me anyway."
"That's not tr-" She stopped herself again. "It's not like I don't want anything to happen. It can't happen."
"Why?"
"Because," she said. "It doesn't matter what I feel, and it doesn't matter if you feel the same way. It hasn't even been a week since I left Rafe-"
"Come on, Bex, you knew you wanted to leave him way before you actually did. I was there, remember? At John B's house, in the hot tub, when you told me you wanted to break up with him. You know how long ago that was?"
"That doesn't matter," she said. "I was listening to Kiara and Sarah and they were talking about how long people should wait-"
"They don't know what they're talking about."
"They do," she insisted, "And...I don't even want to look at anyone else for two months-"
"Two months?"
Bexley didn't say anything. She just nodded.
A minute of silence passed.
JJ was quiet. He glanced away from her, and then back to her. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"I can wait two months."
She sighed. "I'm not asking you to wait," Bexley said. "And...two months is a long time. I can't even promise I'll feel the same still."
"That's okay," JJ said. "I'll wait two months to find out."
"JJ..." she breathed.
"I won't try anything," JJ said. "I swear. I'll be strictly platonic for two months, if that's what you want."
But it wasn't what she wanted.
She didn't want to be platonic with JJ.
But she had to be. Or else it probably wouldn't work.
So she forced herself to say, "It is."
"Then, I guess we are following the no pogue-on-pogue macking rule," he mumbled. "For at least two months."
She just nodded.
But, in that instance...it seemed so impossible to follow.
"Two months..." JJ mumbled. He looked down at her, and for a moment all she could notice was how much taller he was. How muscular he was. How tan he was. How attractive he was. "But maybe we could just start tomorrow."
Her heart skipped a beat, and her body reacted faster than her mind did.
His head leaned down faster than she could process it.
In all honesty, JJ wasn't trying to kiss her. He had just attempted to whisper something in her ear, something she'd never heard the end of, because Bexley realized she wished he was trying to kiss her. Then, she realized she was allowed to kiss him.
Because she liked him.
A lot.
Especially now, since he was standing so close to her. And being so sweet to her. And overall making her heart beat faster and faster.
Bexley had been stupid in the past, stupid almost the entire time she was with Rafe. She was so used to being called stupid her entire life.
So...she figured she was allowed to do one more stupid thing. Right now.
JJ had begun to whisper, "I'd rather tonight we-"
Bexley held her breath as she leaned up and placed her lips against his.
JJ stilled, but only for a moment, and then both hands appeared on the back of her head. His fingers moved beneath her hair. His thumbs caressed the sides of her face. He kissed her back with a passion he didn't know how to express until this exact moment.
She pushed herself away from the counter, their bodies pressing together as she wrapped her arms around his neck. JJ kissed her with parted lips, making the kiss wet, and more sensational. She wondered if she should deepen the kiss, or if this was already inappropriate. Maybe she should break it off now.
No. She'd never risk stopping this now. JJ didn't want the kiss to break off either. He wanted to kiss her until any doubt that he felt something for her was wiped from her mind. He wanted to make it so that she would never question his feelings ever again.
JJ slid his tongue across her body lip. She parted her lips as well, from desire, and from shock at just how fast the desire hit her. And then, when his tongue entered her mouth, she was shocked at how easily she melted in his arms.
A low moan left the back of her throat, and he groaned loudly in response.
JJ pulled her mouth off hers for a split second, but only so he could crash it back on with a faster, deeper kiss a moment later.
His body was warm as she pressed against it, his mouth was hot as it stayed attached to hers. She tilted her head back, giving him more access to her. He was taller than her, so much so that she forced herself onto the tips of her toes so that she could push her tongue into his mouth as well. Her hands slid up from the back of his neck to the back of his head. She pulled his face even closer to hers.
His teeth grazed her lip, but this only sent a chill down her spine. Oh, the way her body trembled for him.
JJ took a step forward, moving her back, placing her back against the counter. He kissed her even deeper, leaving absolutely no space between their bodies as he devoured her lips.
Then, he pulled away. She panted, trying to take in as much air as she could. His head tilted back further, and she gasped as she felt his lips on her neck. Her fingers curled up in his blonde hair. The kisses he left along her skin were hot and wet. She barely had time to moan before he met her lips again. The pleased sound escaped her throat still, muffled against his lips. But he still heard it, clearly. It excited him. Again, he moved to her neck, focusing on her sensitive skin.
JJ's left hand held the back of her neck, the right hand held the back of her waist, holding her steady as he buried his face in the crook of her neck.
"Shit...JJ..." she breathed, keeping her eyes shut tight as she hung her head back, allowing him full access to the area. Her left hand reached back to grip the counter, while the other continued to grip his hair.
She barely opened her eyes, just so she could look at him. He was so hot, and imagining such an attractive man doing so much to please her turned her on in ways she couldn't comprehend. She shut her eyes tightly again and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, pulling him as close as possible. She let out a louder moan, one she didn't even realize she was releasing until she already did. He gripped her tighter.
She panted, "JJ-"
A sound outside snapped them both out of it. They jumped apart. Looking outside, Bexley realized it had just been a left out beer can falling off the table from the wind.
She relaxed, but just barely.
JJ stepped away from her, quickly glancing at the bedroom doors, making sure none of them had opened. They hadn't. Everyone was still asleep.
"It was just outside," he barely whispered. JJ looked back at her, and he ducked his head down to kiss her again.
Bexley held out her hand, touching his chest, stopping him. "JJ, wait..."
He didn't want to. But he did. He stared at her with his beautiful blue eyes that lit her heart on fire.
She slowly looked at the clock on the kitchen oven, and then looked back at him. "It's midnight," she whispered.
"Midnight?"
"...It's tomorrow."
His shoulders slumped. "C'mon, Bex-"
"We shouldn't be doing this here anyway," she whispered. "Everyone is home. My brother is just on the other side of that door."
"We can go outside," he offered, somewhat eagerly.
"You said tomorrow..." she reminded him, softly.
"My day normally doesn't start until nine or ten am."
She tried not to, but she still broke a smile. "JJ..."
His fingers grazed across her cheek again. His touch left her breathless. "It's still so early," he drawled.
She swore her heart was beating so fast he could hear it.
Bexley turned her head, looking at the door her brother slept behind. She looked back at JJ, just to realize he'd never taken his eyes off of her. "They'd hear the door open," she whispered.
His heart slammed against his chest as he realized she was actually considering going outside. "I'll be quiet." His body flared with excitement at thinking of her kissing him again. Outside at the table, maybe on the sand. Maybe kissing her while the two of them were lying on the sand...He felt another spike of eagerness. "So, so quiet," he promised.
"I don't-"
A door opened. Bexley panicked, while JJ dropped to the floor, hiding behind the counter.
John B opened the door, looking tired as he stepped out, yawning.He spotted Bexley, and asked, "What are you doing up?" while still yawning.
She was fidgeting with nervousness. "Just getting some water."
"Sarah heard something crash. Was that you?"
"No, I heard it too. Something fell off the porch outside."
"Oh. Okay." John B lazily gave her a thumbs up. "G'night."
"Goodnight," she got out. When John B shut the door, she let out the breath she'd been holding. She didn't dare to look down at JJ, she just let out another quick, " Goodnight, JJ."
Nervous and skittish, she quickly went to bed.