chapter forty one
{ unedited }
ROWAN STOOD OUTSIDE THE BAKER HOUSEHOLD, a frown tugging at her lips as she stared blankly at the door. Unlike yesterday when getting out of bed was a hassle, Rowan seemed to be full of energy today with no thoughts or fears in her mind. She didn't really understand how quickly her emotions had changed when yesterday she felt like, mentally, she was on death's door but today felt like the way things were before she was admitted to the hospital.
It was a possibility she was losing her sanity but Rowan chose to not question it.
Not long after Rowan rang the doorbell, the door opened to reveal a smiling Max who swiftly turned into an annoyed Max when she saw who was at the door. "Ugh, it's you," Max groaned, pushing the door further open and turning her back to Rowan as she made her way back into the house. "Marcus is in his room."
"I wanted to talk to you," Rowan said, not moving from the doorstep. Max paused, slowly turning to Rowan with a confused expression. It wasn't exactly a lie. Rowan had come here to see Marcus but she had intended to talk to Max if she was in which, thankfully, she was. "Can I come in?"
"Oh." Max looked around the house as if expecting someone to show up and say it was a prank that Rowan was there. When not spotting anyone, Max turned to Rowan and nodded slowly. "Sure. Come on in."
Silently, Rowan followed Max into the house and upstairs to her room. She spotted Clint in the kitchen as she made her way up and signed hello to him, one of the few things she still remembered when she learned the language back when she was six and spent more time in the Baker household. She earned a smile and wave from Clint so she deemed it good enough before disappearing from his sight and into Max's room.
Even though Max had invited Rowan to her room, Rowan left the door open to make sure Max felt comfortable since Max did currently hate her. As she made her way in, Rowan spotted a framed picture on Max's nightstand of her and Abby, Abby on Max's back with the brightest smile. "Cute," Rowan mumbled, not realising Max had stopped in front of her and happened to hear her.
"What do you want?"
Instinctively, Rowan took a step back, creating a small distance between them, hands crossed behind her back. "I didn't get a note," Rowan said, not bothering to beat around the bush. The misunderstanding had gone on for long enough. Max's head tilted to the side, brows furrowing together and Rowan sighed. "The note you wrote, whenever you wrote it. I didn't get it. I only found out a couple weeks back because of Marcus. You got the wrong locker."
"No...I..." Max trailed off, head cocking to the other side, eyes narrowing as if trying to recall that day.
"Listen, Max, I'm only telling you this because I don't want any unnecessary drama. If you still wanna hate me, go for it but don't let it be for a false reason. It's not something I wanna deal with now, it's not something I can deal with now. You get that?"
"Yeah, yeah, I understand," Max said, nodding quickly before stopping with a wince, hand going up to rub the back of her neck. "You really didn't get it?" Max asked, voice timid.
"I promise you I didn't. And, even if I had, you should've known I wouldn't spread it. I mean, c'mon, we spent so much time together. Didn't you know me better than that?" Rowan didn't care anymore. Not really. But it did still sting to know Max had known her for years before that and still assumed Rowan was the one to start rumours.
"I just―I thought you liked me. I was positive you did," Max said with a small chuckle. "So when you didn't respond for days and then the stuff I wrote was talked about, I figured that was your way of rejecting me. Brutally at that. And I didn't want to believe that you didn't like me, not when I was so sure, so I focused more on the gossip and just wrote it back to you. But...I guess I knew it couldn't have been. You were too kind, too loving. It's one of the reasons I liked you. I'm sorry I thought so lowly of you."
"It's alright," Rowan shrugged, nonchalant. "One more thing before I go. Abby. I ain't using her. That I can promise too."
"Yeah, no, I know," Max replied. "I mean, I did think that at the start. That was wrong of me and I know now that I was wrong. You really do love her, don't you? That's pretty special."
Rowan hummed, nodding curtly. "Marcus in his room?" With a nod from Max, Rowan was off with a destination in mind but not without waving goodbye to Max, choosing to blissfully ignore the blush habituating the girl's cheeks. She was not going to make that her problem.
Rowan knocked on Marcus' room door once she reached it, frowning as it creaked open. No response was heard from within so, as much as Rowan prided herself on manners, she walked in without him having said to do so. The first thing Rowan noticed was the stench; sweat and day-old opened booze. She had smelt it too many times in her own home that it was a distinctive one to her, something she could place no matter how much time passed. The second thing she noticed was Marcus sprawled across the bed, eyes unmoving but open, hair covering most of his face, a flask in his hand, uncapped.
Rowan made her way to him, running her fingers through his hair and pushing it out of his face as she crouched down in front of him. He looked exhausted, bags under his eyes that sunk deep into his skin as if they had always been there. Rowan wished she could comfort him, say something to make him smile but she couldn't because, deep down, she felt the way he looked. "Hey," Rowan mumbled, continuously running her fingers through his hair. She knew he loved that. At least, he used to from when they were still friends. Marcus groaned in reply. "I have my car. You wanna get out of here for a bit?"
Instead of replying, Marcus rolled off the bed, landing at Rowan's feet with a thud and a groan to accompany. Rowan took the flask out of Marcus' hand, tossing it to the bed before holding her arm out for him to take. He clasped his hand in hers and she pulled him up, taking a step back to brace herself.
"I wanna paint."
"Alright," Rowan nodded, "we can stay here and paint then."
"No. Not here. On the drive."
"Okay. Where're your paints?" Marcus hummed, twirling around his heel and pointing to a shelf high up, stumbling into Rowan as he did so. Rowan groaned as Marcus' head hit her shoulder, arm going around him to keep him up. "Alright, you go wait in the car and I'll get them down for you."
"Mmm, okay," Marcus mumbled, holding his hand out for Rowan to drop her car keys into, stumbling out of the room once she did so. Maybe it was not a good idea to leave him alone and trust he would get to the car but, right now, her priority was to get the paints down from the shelf. She kicked the beanbag under the shelf and stood on top, standing on her tiptoes to reach the paints at the front. What caught her attention, however, was the duffle bag pushed to the back of the shelf, dust coating the top.
Without a second thought, Rowan lifted it off the shelf, wiping off the dust once it was on the ground and unzipping it. Inside the duffle bag was not something Rowan expected to see. Collections of spray cans, colour leaking out onto the plastic on some. She zipped it up, tossed it over her shoulder and made her way out of the room, quite literally bumping into Max as she did so. "Ow!" Max stumbled back, rubbing her hair. "I wasn't stalking!"
"Okay?"
"You managed to get Marcus out of the house. I wanted to thank you for that. I've been worried about him. He's been more quiet and he said something about Ginny and now I was scared he'd never leave the bed. Thank you for getting him out."
"Oh," Rowan said, looking back at Marcus' empty room before back at Max. "Yeah, no worries." She gave Max a small smile. "Let's just hope it goes well. I'll see you around, yeah?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll see you. What's in the bag―?"
Rowan did not reply, already on her way downstairs and outside, making sure the door didn't bang behind her. That was a habit that still stuck even after leaving that house. Marcus was leaning his head against the window when Rowan opened the door to the back, dropping it to the ground before sitting in the driver's seat.
"Paints?" Marcus asked quietly as Rowan backed out of the driveway. Rowan handed him the aux, the sound of Lana Del Rey engulfing the car as she drove almost instantly. He had a flask in hand again but Rowan chose not to point it out.
"I had another idea." Rowan spared Marcus a glance as she sped up down the street. "Max mentioned you said something about Ginny―" Marcus groaned, hitting his head against the window repeatedly― "What's wrong there? I thought all was good."
"I keep fucking up."
"What do you mean?"
"With Stevie. Now Ginny. I don't think I'm worthy of love."
Rowan had said that about herself many times before and, as much as she believed that about herself, it pained her to hear Marcus utter the same words about himself. How could Marcus possibly believe that was true when he was probably the one who deserved the most love from everyone she knew? He didn't even know how special he was.
"What makes you say that?" Marcus shrugged, eyes set outside the window. "Hey, c'mon. Talk to me, I ain't judging."
"It's just...I keep messing up and I don't know how to stop it. First with Stevie, that I had no control over and it was still my fault." Marcus chuckled bitterly as Rowan turned down the music. "I didn't even realise I was doing it until they pointed it out. I was too caught up in my feelings that I never realised I had done that to them, that I hurt them like that. I really did like them, Rowan."
"I know."
"I really hurt them," Marcus mumbled, tapping his finger against the glass. "I didn't mean to. I just wasn't thinking. And I liked Ginny too. Sure, not as much as Stevie but I did. And now I'm with Ginny and I'm gonna hurt her too. I always do that. I keep on hurting people. It's all I know what to do. Padma. Stevie. Ginny."
"Why are you so sure you'll hurt Ginny?"
"How could I not?" Marcus scoffed. "Rowan, I love her but I don't think I can be with her. It's not that I don't want to. I do. She is the only thing to make me happy but...but that's the problem." Rowan understood that much. Abby used to be the only thing to make Rowan happy when she was suffering despite how much she pushed back those feelings, and now she was sharing that role with Camilla. "There's something wrong with me. Has been for a long time but it's getting worse now. There's a void in me and I have too much energy going into existing that I don't have any to spare for Ginny. I want to, you don't understand how much I want to, but I can't. But I can't tell her either. I'm leading her on and I can't stop it. I shouldn't be with her. I shouldn't be with anyone. I don't deserve love."
"That's not true, Marcus."
"Yeah, right."
"It's not," Rowan said firmly. "So, what, you can't afford to spare any energy for Ginny right now? That doesn't make you a bad person. You're in pain, you recognise that, and you know it's wrong to depend on her completely. In fact, I think it makes you the opposite. You love Ginny but you know that you can't do this and that's okay. It doesn't make you undeserving of love, Marcus. You...you are a beautiful human, inside and out. You give love to everyone you meet even if they don't deserve it. You are there whenever anyone needs you, you never fail to put others before yourself, you are the most respectful guy I know, the one who isn't scared of his feelings or his heart. Do you know how rare that is? Marcus, no one deserves love more than you but if you're not ready for love now, that's okay. You're not ready to be with anyone and that's okay. It doesn't make you undeserving of love. You're just not ready for it yet."
"Are you?"
Rowan's body tensed, her grip on the steering wheel tightening. She could feel Marcus' eyes boring into her, so she kept her gaze firmly on the road. "This isn't about me."
"I want to know."
Rowan met his gaze, sighing when realising he would not be letting this go. "No, not really," she answered honestly, looking away from him. "But Abby doesn't want a relationship anyway. Probably won't for a while. Honestly, I think I'm losing her," Rowan admitted with an empty laugh, the sound stuck in her throat when she realised what she had said. "Sorry, not the point. Back to you―"
"No," Marcus interrupted. "Losing her? Wha―what'd you mean, losing her?"
"It's nothing, really," Rowan shrugged, one hand leaving the steering wheel and picking up the flask from Marcus' lap, taking a short sip. "I think she's been lying to me is all. Not important. Going back to you, Marcus, you gotta talk to Ginny. I know it's painful. I know it's the last thing you want to do 'cause it'll hurt her and you but you do need to. If you think that's what's best, you need to do it. Take a pause until you're ready for a relationship. Until you're ready for love."
Marcus hummed, the tapping of his fingers getting quicker. Maybe that was where Rowan had picked up the habit from, he was the only one she's seen do it. "Do you think I ever will be?"
"Yeah," Rowan replied instantly, looking over at him with a small smile. "I do. And I think when you reach that, you're gonna be in one of those disgustingly cute lovey-dovey relationships that no one can stand to be around for too long."
"Oh god, I'll become what I hate," Marcus groaned, hand lifting to rub his forehead. Rowan chuckled, lighting up at the sight of Marcus' smile when sparing her a glance. "Do you think you'll ever be ready?"
"I don't know. I hope so."
"Yeah, me too. You deserve it." Rowan didn't know about that but she chose to remain silent, humming along to the song playing from Marcus' phone; like a rockstar by Chase Atlantic. "Where we even going?"
"You'll see."
"You have a destination in mind?"
"I do."
"This better be good, River."
"What're you gonna do if it's not? You've already been kidnapped."
"Kidnapped, huh?" Marcus asked, taking the flask back from Rowan.
"Yeah, kidnapped. Abducted. Whatever floats your boat."
"Is it really kidnapping if I'm enjoying myself?"
"Honestly, Baker, I don't know how to answer that." Marcus laughed, his head thrown back against the seat, flask between his lips that were upturned into a smile. "Just being honest."
"Yeah, I know. It's one of the things I love 'bout you."
"Yeah, whatever, don't go soft on me now."
The rest of the drive there was filled with small talk, most of the time singing along to the songs playing from Marcus' phone. It didn't take long to reach Rowan's destination, cutting through a small town and walking for a few streets to reach where she wanted the two to go―under a bridge that curved into a tunnel.
"What're we doing here?" Marcus asked, looking around the tunnel, his voice echoing off. "How'd you even find this place?"
"Best not to question it," Rowan said before tossing the duffle bag onto the floor. "As for why we're here." Rowan crouched down, unzipping the bag and holding the bag open for Marcus to see. "Your biggest mural yet. Take it away, Picasso."
Marcus whistled as he looked around the tunnel, picking the black spray can out of the bag and throwing it up in the air, catching it with ease as he walked closer to one of the walls. Rowan stayed leaning against the opposite one, arms crossed over her chest as she watched Marcus lose himself in his art for the next few hours.
° ✩ • ☽ ° ✩ •
Sitting across from Jay in Blue Farm, Rowan drifted off into her head as he droned on about safety, addiction and smart choices. See, Jay had been there when she was picking stuff up from the old house and she must've mentioned to him she needed more pills to help her sleep since she tossed hers in fear of being addicted.
"―so make sure you are responsible," Jay concluded, the bottle of Xanax now in Rowan's hands as he stood up. She gave him a forced smile, dropping it as soon as he had left the building. Almost instantly, she dropped one into her hand and swallowed it with ease. Was mixing that with vodka a good idea? Most likely not. But Rowan did not care. After learning that Marcus was going to his grandparents from tomorrow for the rest of the break, Rowan's happy mood had deflated and she had gone back to feeling like a void was where her heart was, sucking in all happiness.
Rowan pocketed the bottle as she stood up, instantly being met with Abby's friends as she turned around. Max was the one who was facing Rowan, along with Ginny but neither had noticed her. Rowan was going to walk out, to ignore them all, but seeing Press throw a chip at Abby's head made her pause.
A part of her still wanted to walk out, not having the energy to deal with it, but majority of her told her to stay. So, that was what she did even though she did not want to deal with Press and the rest of the goons.
Rowan stopped behind Abby, placing a hand on her shoulder. Abby jumped at first, a startled look in her eyes as she turned to see who it was but relaxed under Rowan's hand when noticing it was her. "Hey," Abby breathed, leaning her head into Rowan's arm.
"Ah look, Littman's freak is here," Press commented with a scoffing laugh, Samantha's high laugh following after. Rowan ignored him as she smiled down at Abby, repeating the greeting quietly.
"Shut up, Press," Max said, glaring at him. "Hey, Rivera."
"Baker," Rowan greeted, jutting her chin down in Max's direction and smiling shortly at Ginny who waved at her excitedly, adorned in a Christmas sweater. She looked back down at Rowan, her smile turning more natural. "Can I walk you home?"
Abby did not hesitate, not saying a goodbye to anyone at the table as she walked out with Rowan, pulling her jacket back on as she did so. It was already dark out with the days getting shorter now that it was winter so Rowan was glad she could walk Abby home to make sure she gets back alright even if she was upset with being lied to.
"Ro?"
"Yeah?"
"'M tired." Looking down at Abby, Rowan recognised that look from the many, many times Cameron had used it against her. Without hesitation, Rowan crouched down in front of Abby, letting the smaller girl get onto her back. "Thank you," Abby mumbled as Rowan stood upright and continued to make her way to Abby's home.
"Yeah, anytime," Rowan replied, hands under Abby's thighs to keep her up as Abby's arms wrapped around Rowan's shoulders, head on Rowan's shoulder. "Abby, I know you lied to me."
"What?"
"Your phone. You lied to me. You keep..." Rowan tried off, keeping the defensiveness out of her voice the best she could. "You keep on lying to me."
"No! No, I didn't," Abby said, her frantic tone loud and clear. "I didn't. My mom did take my phone. I just got it the night you came over."
"I'm not sure I believe you," Rowan said, looking back over her shoulder briefly. She noticed the way Abby's face fell, the way her eyes brimmed with a thin coat of tears.
"Ro..."
"I'm sorry." Rowan looked away from Abby, keeping her eyes in front. "I want to but I'm not sure if I can."
"No, I understand," Abby said, grip tightening around Rowan's waist where her legs were wrapped around. "I haven't given you a good reason to believe me. But I am gonna change that. I promise I'll try." Rowan only nodded, tilting her head back slightly when Abby poked her cheek. "I have something to tell you."
"Hm?"
"I made an appointment with an eating specialist. I mean, my mom doesn't know. She thinks it's a normal therapist. But I did it."
"Yeah?" Rowan asked, noticing the frightened look in her eyes even though she had a tiny smile. "That's great, Abby. Proud of you."
"Really?"
"Yeah," Rowan repeated, softer this time and Abby brightened up, her fear fading away. "It's a step forward. I'm so incredibly proud of you." A blush rose to Abby's cheeks and the girl buried her head in Rowan's shoulder. On a normal day, Rowan would be panicking in the best way possible about this. She would be feeling something.
But right now?
Rowan didn't feel a thing.
And she knew she should feel guilty but she did not.
The rest of the walk to Abby's house was mostly Rowan filling Abby in with the Hugo situation, though in the briefest detail she could. She almost mentioned the time she had been spending with Camilla but something had stopped her from doing so, the words caught in her throat. In return, Abby told Rowan she was going to her grandparents from her mom's side for the rest of the holidays, out of town. That meant Marcus, Abby and Stevie were all going to be gone and Rowan was going to be alone.
Once Abby was home, gone with a short hug, Rowan was making her way back to Bob's house. She was feeling a bit dazed as she walked and hoped there wasn't a noticeable wobble in her steps when she walked into the home, not wanting to be questioned by Bob if he was still awake.
He was.
Rowan could hear the TV as soon as she walked and, as she made her way further in, saw Bob on the couch with his legs raised onto the table in front of him. Rowan tossed her keys into the bowl dedicated to such a thing, took off her shoes and sank down in the seat next to him. Silently, Bob handed her the remote but she just put it down and leaned back against the couch, trying to ease the dizziness in her head.
"Good day?" Bob asked, eyes never leaving the TV.
Rowan hummed in thought before nodding, not wanting to worry Bob by mentioning the not so good things that were now playing at her mind. "Yeah, sorted some shit out. Oh, sorry, I shouldn't swear, right?"
"I don't mind," he said with a small chuckle. "You're a teen, I expected it. I'd be more concerned if you didn't swear at all." Rowan let out a dry chuckle, not responding as she rested her head on his shoulder, eyes never leaving the TV. She felt Bob tense for a moment before he relaxed with an exhale. "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about something."
"Mhm?"
"Now that Hugo has given up rights and the investigation is over, you can live with Cameron again, with the woman who took him in. She has already been approved for you to stay with, it's only a matter of when you choose to go. I can help you move out if you like."
"I wanna stay here longer," Rowan said, not having to think about it. "Would that be okay?"
"Of course, you always have a room here." Rowan lifted her head from his shoulder for a moment, thanking him with a smile before her attention went back to the TV, head on his shoulder. Bob smelt of vanilla. It suited him, Rowan believed.
The next couple of minutes consisted of Rowan trying to figure out what was going on in the movie playing. It seemed to be a fight sequence going on but it was clear not a single hit was landing despite what the actors tried to make it seem like. "What the fuck is happening?" Rowan mumbled, not expecting Bob to hear her. He burst out into laughter, Rowan's head falling from his shoulder when he hunched forward but she did not mind.
"I really wish I knew," he laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. Rowan had a feeling it wasn't because of what she said that he was crying but she did not mention it. "How about this, I order something in and you find a decent movie to watch? Sound good?"
"Sounds great," Rowan answered honestly, mirroring Bob's smile. His own was too infectious, Rowan couldn't stop herself from copying him.
"Alright then, it's a plan," Bob said, rising from the couch. "Pizza?" Rowan nodded. "Pizza it is. You better find a good movie for us."
"I will," Rowan said, waving him off as he went to his room to grab his phone, announcing he did not have it on him. Although Rowan had a void sucking in emotions growing in her chest, she could deny the split second of happiness she felt.
And that, that made everything else worth it even if it was a temporary fix.
° ✩ • ☽ ° ✩ • ─── NOTE
writing is hard.
i hate this chapter