Aditi's point of view
Have you ever been in love?
If not, I will advise you to do it. Yes, it makes your life easier but it make you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and heart giving permission to a stranger to get inside and mess you up. You build up all this defence and thick walls around your heart and get your armour uo but still someone managed to get into your life, do all stupid things, make you smiles when you are alone, only thinking about them, and then one day that someone do something stupid, they kiss you and then your life isn't yours. You just want to be around that person who cherish you with flowers and smiles at you for your stupid things but then people around you starts getting jealous of you. They don't want to see you together and then they started playing cheap tricks to separate you. You try to ignore them but eventually things started falling aparts and finally the day has come when you have to say the final goodbye to your someone.
It hurts I know but that's the beauty of love. You can not know how much you love that someone until you feels their absence in your life and what a void they create in your heart. After that you will give your hundred percent to that relationship and then no one can separate you.
You realize how much you really miss someone until something good or bad happened. You wanted to share the news to that person who was not there.
I miss Dhruv...so much that it hurts to not be with him. Every time I only think about him. It's more than a month I left him with a letter and I know it tore him apart but I have to be away from him so he could not have to feel that absence of his family which I feel almost everyday. Sometimes the urge of seen him was so high that I was so close to go to his office and hug him but everytime I take my step back because I don't want his mother to disown him. Dhruv have a beautiful family and I am no one to snatch that from him.
Dhruv, I know you are also restless as I am here. I know, you can't sleeps in night and everytime miss me in your arms. Dhruv, do you know, having you in my life is truly a blessing and I cherish it everyday. Our bond is unbreakable, even in the face of distance.
I miss you Dhruv.
I miss you dearly.
I wish one day we could meet again. Maybe is some other life but my love I want to spend one more day with you.
"Aditi, order for table no.13.", I wiped my tears when a girl from the kitchen passes me the tray of full of food and asked me to give it to the table no. 13.
I took the tray from her and walked towards table no.13, still lost in Dhruv's thought.
After leaving Dhruv's house, I was miserable. I don't have a place to stay. For whole week I stayed in the temple but letter on I got the job as a waitress in a local restaurant in the old city Lucknow. I only get 8000 rs. per month and I got a house nearby in a very cheap rate which costs 2000rs. to me. This restaurant open for 24×7 so we worked here in three shifts. My shift starts from 10.00 A.M to 6 p.m.
Anuradha aunty let me take my books with me. I am still preparing for UPSC. Dhruv and I may not be living together but I know Dhruv wants me a civil servent and I am going to be the one. He saw this dream for me and I am going to full fill it for him. So everyday I woke up at 4 and study till 9 in the morning and after completing my shift I study till late night. I only got 4 or 5 hours sleep and if I need an internet for study, I went to the nearby cyber cafe and the owner charges 600 rupees per month from me to let me use internet. Prelims is near by and I don't want to give any excuse to myself of not clearing it.
I have to do this for my Dhruv and I am promising him that I will be the civil servent one day just like him.
"Thankyou...", I served the food to the table no.13 where the newly wedded couple was sitting and seeing them feeding each other, reminds me Dhruv. We both also used to feed each-other when we are alone. A lone tear make its way down to my cheeks and I wiped it before anyone can see it.
It hurts every second that Dhruv and I no more together. Words can not discribe my pain. It's the emotion of pain that I feel. A void has created in my life and only Dhruv can fill it.
Dear Dhruv I wish I could run to you and cry on your shoulder. I wish I could hug you and kiss your lips again. I wish I could tell you again, how much I love you.
I collected the empty plates and cutleries from table no. 7 and made my way to the kitchen but suddenly, I trip on my legs and I fall on the ground, clattering all the plates to the ground, breaking them into pieces.
"What did you do? This is the third time you have break the plates.", The owner of the restaurant walked to me and eyed me down who was still on the floor. Along with other waiters also come and instead of helping me they were enjoying the show.
"I am sorry. I tripped on my legs......Ahhhh...", I moaned in oain when a small piece of glass pirced into my left palm, making the blood oozing out from it.
"You have always the excuse ready. I gave you the job because I thought you really need the job but since you step inside my restaurant you just give me loss.", She shouted on me, making the scene in-front of others. I again winced in pain when I pulled out the broken piece from my palm and again more blood come out of it. Hot tears left from my eyes, maybe not of the physical pain but the pain I am feeling in my heart from the absence of Dhruv. I wiped my tears with my forearm and stood up.
"I am sorry ma'am. I would not do this mistake again.", I apologized to her. I could not afford to loose the job or else I would be on the road next morning.
"I would not take your sorry this time. You better leave from here.", She shouted on me.
"Ma'am please give me a one last chance. I would not disappoint you.", I joint my both hands together and asked one last chance from her. Tears were hanging in my eyes and I was trying hard to control them.
"Okay...okay don't beg to me. This is the last chance I am giving you but after this if you do such mistake or cost me any loss, this would be your last day here.", She warned me and walked from there after giving me an order to clean the mess, I have created.
A tear drop to the floor when I bent down to pick all the broken pieces of plate or I could say of my life. I don't know where it's heading, I just want it a little easier or this time I really give up. I really don't have more strength to fight against it. It's already difficult and I have no power in me to fight against the odds. I throw the pieces into the bin and went into the kitchen to take new orders.
*****
He clock hits to 6 and my shift get over. I changed into a simple plain black suite and walked out from the restaurant. Weather is changing from normal to sunny. It's going to be rain soon. People are rushing to their home as they wants to reach home before they get wet in rain. Seeing them I feel unlucky, because they have family at their home which was waiting for them but I don't have anyone at my house. House not a proper word to used where I live. It was just a room with a bathroom and few more things like a single bed and few things in kitchen. But I like one thing in that house. There was a window which opens to the outside and give the clear veiw of ground. Whenever I felt alone, I set their and only think about Dhruv and our beautiful memories which we have created together in this small time.
Rain has started pouring heavily, making me wet. Everyone started running here and there to find the shelter but I kept walking because it sooths me. In this rain no one can see my tears. I can cry as much as I want without a fear. Also this rain connects me to him. It reminds me of the day when I was having a aweful day after our marriage because of my periods and Dhruv kissed me under the rain.
Dear Dhruv,
Sometimes I don't know, if the tears I cry, are for you or for myself because I must now live without you but there is one thing I do know that I love you so much that it hurts. You may not be here with me but thought of you never leave my mind. Dhruv I am asking you to stay in my heart, a minute in my mind and a second in my soul then you'll know how much I miss you my love.
A thunder was lighten in the sky, heavy rain pouring on me and I stopped walking when I look up. Fat tears streams down from my eyes but I couldn't avert my gaze. In-front of me standing a man who was in my mind all day and whom I am in love with since I was only 14 years.
He was standing in the rain and keep looking at me. His eyes were focused on me like he doesn't want to loose me or confirming that it is indeed me. Unshaded tears were hanging in his eyes and I can see through the depth of his eyes. He has changed a lot in this past month. He has grown a beard and he looks dull. He was vulnerable and his soul was yearning something dear to him.
Seeing him after a month, feels like a dream to me. That night again started playing in my mind when his mother throw me out from the house and I leave without seeing him.
I don't know when I started walking towards him. My tears may be mixing with the rain but I still can feel their hotness on my cheeks. None of us avert our gaze like our eyes were talking to each-other.
I wlked forward and without thinking anything I hugged him, holding his right arm and put my forehead on his shoulder but he stand there still.
"Dhruv.....", I whispered his name and a sob leave from my mouth and more tears fall down from my eyes but I couldn't feel any moment from his side. I started thinking that he could be my imagination as my mind again messed up with me before when he was not around.
Feels like an eternity, I feel a hand on my shoulder and pull me back from the hug. My eyes met with those beautiful coffee brown deep eyes where I can drawn millionth time but they were red and filled with tears.
"Please, tell me that I am not dreaming.", Finally he spoke. I saw a hope in his eyes but a fear also. It was like, if it will be a dream, he would loose his mind. I hold his hand and put it on my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned to it when he traced his thumb on my cheek. I slowly opened them and saw a intensity in his eyes.
"Aditi....", He whispered my name and pulled me into a hug, crushing me in his arms like he wants to confirm that it is really me.
*******
Rain is still pouring but lightly and we both are sitting on the bench in the park, maintaining a small space between us. None of us had said a word since we both arrived here. We don't want to take a shelter in this rain but wanted to get wet so no one can see our tears. My hands were resting on the bench on both side and thinking where should I start. He also looks like me, lost in his own world.
In this past month I wished to see him one last time but when he is in-front of me, I couldn't uter a word. My mind stop working and I don't know how should I let out my heart in-front of me. A tear drop from my left eye and dropped to my palm and got mixed up with rain.
Suddenly I feel his fingers touched to mine and I looked at him. He looked at me and I saw so many questions in his eyes but more than that I saw love in his eyes for me. No matter if it's raining, I still can see the unshaded tears hanging to his eyes. They were glistening. Without Breaking the eye contact He cupped my palm on the bench and squeezed it, maybe ensuring that I would not run away again.
"Did you miss me?", This is the first question he asked me while looking in-front of him.
"Every second.", A tear drop from my eye when I answered looking down.
"Then why did you leave me?", He asked looking at me.
"I have to. I don't deserve you. We should not be together.", I said looking at him with my welled up eyes. His soft eyes turn into hard. He clenched his jaw and leave my hand. He stood up from the bench and looked at me with rage.
"Seriousl....? You have this lame excuse to leave....?", He asked me with rage. Seeing him like this I also stood up and looked at him.
"Dhruv, I made your life miserable and I don't want to make it more difficult for you. The best I could do to leave you.", I said while sobbing in tears.
"Aditi, do I really deserve this? You leave me with a fucking letter. You don't even have a courtesy to wait for me and don't you fucking dare to lie to me. I know what happened that night. You were forced to leave the house by my mother. She practically throw you out from the house.", He spatted in anger. This time I could only see anger in his eyes but his eyes have tear in them and disappointment.
"I know the way she did was wrong but she was right. I ruined your life. She had warned me before but I did not listen to her but now I know she was right. I only bring curse with me."
I said with my broken voice.
When I was child my parents used to call me that I am a curse to them. Since I was born into their family, I only bring problems and bad luck in their life. I used to get hurt by their word. It's still hurts but now I know that they were right. I only bring tears in Dhruv's eyes and created problem since I came back into his life. He went against his family for me. His mother hates him because he married me. I created a huge wall between a son and. mother. I looked up to him when he started speaking.
"You know what....you are right. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve a girl who is too weak to come to her husband and say on his face that she is leaving him. You did not even give me a chance to improve things, you just leave after declaring your decision in a fucking letter. Aditi when I leave you 8 years ago we don't have any relationship between us but I still leave you a letter but now we are husband and wife and you just leave me with a piece of paper. Did I not deserve to explain my side? Did I not deserve your meet? Do you have any slightest idea what I have gone through in this past month when you are missing? Bad thoughts are eating my head and I could not sit in peace. Only one thought keep coming into my mind that you are safe or not. I put all police department in your search. Every night I roamed on roads with your picture and asked every person if they know about you and when they say no, I feel pain here.", He punched on his heart while looking at me. He took a little pause and then continue, "Since we met again I just wanted to hold you back but everytime you wanted to leave me. I tried to give you everything, my love, my care. I always keep you first so that you could have everything you missed in your childhood but you prove me wrong and leave me with broken heart. I always love you and I will always do. You wanted to leave me and today Aditi Dhruv Malhotra I am giving you permission to leave me. I will never show you my face again.", I saw his broken soul through his eyes. He was in pain but he was masking it with his anger. He wiped the lone tear which left from his right eye and then he walked from there, leaving me there in shock.
I feel this sudden emptiness in my heart when He walked away. It wasn't the usual emptiness I feel because of the missery of my life. It is the feeling when you feel guilt. I feel this heaviness in my chest that I was feeling that I am going to die here. My tears were telling me that how big mistake I have committed. I have hurt that person who always loves me. When everyone leave my hand, he holds it with a promise that he will never going to leave me. I betrayed the person who give me the love I always craved for. How I become so selfish. I could I take the decision fir both of us when it was not taken by me alone.
I was looking at his retreating figure and tears are keep coming into my eyes. I realised how much I love him and how difficult it was to live without him. Without waiting for a minute, I ran to him.
"Dhruv...", I called for him but he did not stop. But I did not stop I keep running behind him.
"Dhruv, please rukiye...",I again call for him but again he ignored me and keep walking. In this rain it was getting difficult for me to run but I did not give up. I ran until I reach him and hugged him from behind. He stopped on his feet but did not turn back. Ny both hands are clutching him tightly from the shoulders and I rested my face on his back.
(Dhruv, please stop.)
"Hume aapke bager rehna majoor hai per appka naraj rehna nahi.", I clutched his buttons tightly making two buttons tore and exposing his chest. I broke into tears on his chest while sobbing audibly.
(I can live without you but I can't see you angry.)
"Dhruv, Please hume maff ker dijiye. Hum aisi galti dobara nahi karenge. Please hume chodker mat jaiye. Hum aapke bina mar jayenge.", I hold him tight and broke into series of tears. I just don't want him to leave me again or this time I will surely die.
I feel hand on palm. He hold my left hand and then turn to face me. His eyes were also fill with tears. He was looking as broken as me. He shake his head and wiped my tears when a freah wave of them leave from my eyes.
He cupped my both cheeks and said, "Aditi, I am as broken as you are and I will never give up on us. You hurt me when you leave me."
"Anuradha aunty threatened me if I ever come back to your life. She will disown you and I don't want you to abandoned by your family. I know how does it feel when your love one abandoned you.", I put my hand on his wrist while confessing to him. His palms are still cupping my face.
"I also don't want to have any relation with those who don't understand my love. I already dis own her. That day you just have to wait for me and bitch about my mother. I will handle her further.", He leaned down and give a short but a angry smooch to my lips.
"Why did you not rat about my mother to me.", He again leaned and give me that short ragefull smooch.
"Why are you not like other daughter-in-law.", Agin he took my lips in a short rage smooch.
"I fucking love you so much.", He again leaned to smooch but this time he took my lips in a long kiss, a passionate one.
His lips were sucking mine like it was his favourite thing. Sometimes he took my lower lip and suck it while sometimes he suck on my both lips. I clutched his shirt from both sides while he hold my head, keeping my face on the position. I tried to match his pace but couldn't. He was pouring all his nger in that kiss we are sharing right now. He pushed his tongue inside my mouth and roamed his tongue inside my mouth. I sucked on his tongue, while he was exploring my mouth.
"Aaaahhh..Dhruvv..You are hurting me.", He bit on my lips and blood oozed out from them but he did not break our kiss even he sucked on the blood giving the love I was craving from past month. I was feeling weak from my knees when I feel that paradise again. He maybe was dominating the kiss but it was more pleasurable when he do it when he is mad at me.
He broke the kiss and touch our forehead. We both are penting and gasping for air.
"Take me to your place.", He said and after nodding my head as yes, I hug him tightly.
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