I kept replaying my last discussion with Anthony over and over again. It was like I was forcing myself to relive it over and over again and every time it just seemed to get worse having to think of it.
I quickly turned away, trying to fight the nervous warm feeling building in the pit of my stomach. "Do you-..." I quickly shook my head, cursing myself for even starting to ask.
"Do I what?" Anthony asked and I shook my head again.
"No matter. I must go." I said before practically running out of the room. I know it wasn't my best move, but it was the only think my fuzzy brain could think of.
I regretted not asking the question I dismissed before. Especially after learning he had talked with his mother. If I had asked more questions than maybe I would be stuck so confused. I should have done something.
I quickly turned away, trying to fight the nervous warm feeling building in the pit of my stomach. "Do you-..." I quickly shook my head, cursing myself for even starting to ask.
"Do I what?" Anthony asked and I shook my head again.
I held my breath, looking into his eyes. He looked down at me and I felt like he was seeing into my soul. "Do you ever think of those nights?"
"I've thought of those times many times." He only had to take one final step to be only inches away from me. If someone were to walk it, it could be seen as the wrong way. But I didn't care. "And I..."
"You what?"
Anthony quickly shook his head. "I must go." He said before rushing out of the room.
Then it was ruined all over again. If I did say something, he would run away. If I didn't say anything, I am the one running away. We are always running away from each other. It's probably the only thing we will ever be able to agree on. The biggest thing that didn't help my brain was his constant disappearance. He was leaving all the time and I had no idea where he was going. Not knowing didn't bother me before, but that was because he always came back. Now, he was spending all day away and with who knows...that's what killed me.
Had I wanted to go to a party the next night? Not even a little. But I needed something to keep my mind off of my own horrible thoughts. Thoughts that I needed to get rid of. When I first stepped into the party, it was nothing special. Which only led me to continue to think about the one person I can't have. Until, shockingly, I found someone to distract me. Lord Arthur Withers. He wasn't that much tall than me, green eyes, and black hair. He was older than me, but not too much that I wanted to run from him. It was his smile. It was so wide and filled with happiness that I couldn't stop myself from smiling with him. We had danced and then I had joined him for a walk around the dance floor. "I hope I haven't wasted your time at this ball." Lord Wither's said, making me look at him confused.
"Why would you think that?"
"You are the talk of the ball. Every man I have spoken to wishes to have a dance with you."
"Well, I have yet to find many that are as interesting as you."
"I hope by interesting you mean good. I'd hate for that to be something bad." He was so delightful in most of our conversation. Everything was so light to talk.
"If it were bad, why would I tell you?" I asked.
"Maybe you are the honest sort."
"Honest? I am. Ill-bred? I am not. Nor am I rude."
"I should have known. I offer my apologizes." His apologizes were filled with nothing, but good nature.
"No need. I rather like a man that can speak freely to a woman and who I can speak freely with."
"I encourage it. Like is rather dull when one must hold their tongue unnecessarily."
"How have we not met before?"
"I'm afraid that running my families affairs does leaving me traveling on business, but if missing a few parties brought me here, I do not wish to change it." I felt a flutter. An actual flutter. I didn't think it was possible to feel that with anyone else. Maybe this was a good thing. A future.
The idea alone was enough to bring me a sense of peace I was able to take with me. I went into the carriage with Violet, watching through the window as made out back to the Bridgerton home. "I will say this party was very successful," Violet had said breaking the silence of the carriage.
I looked at her slightly nodding, "I had a wonderful time. Lord Withers is a very nice man."
Violet nodded, "Yes, he is." Violet glanced away from me, but I could sense something more in her voice.
"But?"
Violet looked back over at me, "I didn't say but."
"I've spent enough time with my mother to know a but in a mother's voice."
Violet sighed, "I know that Lord Withers does a lot of traveling for business, and I'm sure that would be very lonely for you."
"Not any less lonely than my life now. Besides, I could always have nine children to make my life more interesting."
A small smiled appeared on Violet's face, "Interesting is not the word I would use."
"But it does seem rather wonderful to have a large family."
"Yes, yes it is." Violet's voice was filled with nothing but love. That's what I wanted. Too think of my chaos of a household and have nothing but love for it. To be proud of all the children that I had raised.
The next day, it was a beautiful day and besides the curiosity still floating around in my head, I didn't want to spend all my time inside. Instead, I had lunch with Eloise outside. It was a beautiful day and the sun wasn't primary in the sun, so there was no worry about unwanted freckles or scolding of not being in the sun, especially since my mother isn't here yet. We were finishing with some tea and biscuits when Benedict stopped by for a brief visit. It was nothing special but very enjoyable at the same time. I was distracted enough I didn't have to worry about what Anthony was doing. "Where is my annoying older brother?" With heard Colin's voice as he stepped outside with us.
"Benedict's right here," I pointed out getting a laugh from Eloise.
Benedict glared at me, "You're not as funny as you think you are."
Colin chuckled, reaching over to grab a couple of biscuits off the tray and popping them into his mouth.
"I think she's hilarious," Eloise said, swiping another biscuit because we all knew once Colin was here the food was basically gone.
"I mean, Anthony," Colin clarified before patting Benedict on the shoulder. "This time."
"With that. I'm leaving," Benedict stood up from his chair.
"Bye Benedict." Eloise and I said and he gave a mocking bow before walking back into the house.
"Where is Anthony?" Colin asked, grabbing the last few biscuits off the tray on the table as he sat down where Benedict once was.
"I don't know. He's been gone a lot recently," Eloise pointed out, clearly she had tried to find out, but have gotten nothing.
There was only one thought I could think of. "Maybe he's courting someone." I suggested, lightly shrugging my shoulders.
"Because that wouldn't be talk of the town," Eloise rolled her eyes at the notion. Then her eyes suddenly went wide, "Oh, mother wanted me to give you something if you stopped by." Eloise pushed herself up from the table and rushed back into the house.
"Plus, you would be the one to know," Colin stated, looking back at me and I just stared at him confused. "Of Anthony courting someone."
I felt my brows wrinkle together as I tried to read the hint between his words. "How would I know that?"
"You and Anthony seem to be rather close."
I quickly shook my head, "I am no closer to him than I am to anyone else."
Colin chuckled, taking a biscuit off my plate, "Something tells me that isn't true." He said before popping the biscuit in his mouth.
"I got it!" Eloise shouted, running back towards the table. I wanted to continue talking to him, but not with Eloise in the room. I loved her, but she wasn't one you could trust with a delicate conversation.
The next day I was more than excited to leave the house. Because I was going to be seeing someone I loved. Daphne. In all the time that I spent with Daphne, I knew who she was meant to be. She was going to be an amazing husband and eventually an even better mother. With her new title and husband, Daphne was busy. So busy that it wasn't as easy for us to has tea as much as one would hope. "I'm so glad I was able to stop by for tea," I said, smiling over at Daphne.
"I'm not used to you being around and not being able to see you everyday," Daphne said and I nodded in agreement, taking a drink of my tea. "My mother told me that you spent more of the last party with Lord Withers."
"He is nice, but..." I tried to search for the right word. "Dim," Not right, but made my point. "But, I rather like him more than most."
"Well, in his defense most people can't keep up with your wit."
I chuckled, speaking again my cup of tea, "Like Anthony."
Daphne cocked her head at me, "What?"
"Nothing," I quickly shook my head, hoping that she would let it go. I know she won't, but I can still hope.
"You said Anthony."
I sighed, "It's what Colin said after Whistledown release my dowry information. I was complaining and he said basically the same thing."
"Huh."
Don't ask...don't ask...don't— "Huh, what?"
"Nothing. I just..." Daphne slightly shrugged, drinking her tea. "I thought I was the only one who saw it."
"Saw what?"
Daphne snorted, but when I didn't seem amused, she continued, "We have spent a lot of time together. I know you more than you know."
"Why do I feel like you are trying to tell me?" I asked lifting my cup again and Daphne set her tea down, leaning towards me.
"Charlotte, you are in love with my brother."
I choked on my tea, setting the cup down, and putting my hand on my heart trying to subdue the burning pain. Daphne watched me with concern and I was only able to look at her with shock. "I-I am not! I can't believe you could think such a thing!" I was unnecessarily loud with my denial. "Gregory is fall too young for me! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Daphne playfully smacked my arm. "You know exactly the brother I mean! If it's any consolation, I truly believe you both would make a lovely couple."
I just sighed, "We will never be a couple. Lord Withers is a nice man who is interested with me. I can't spend my life waiting for something that is never coming true." I finally admitted and my stomach dropped. I had known I would have to come to this truth, but I never thought I would be one to say it.