"By the left....quick, MARCH! Left...Right...Left...Right. Come on ladies you can do better than that, put some effort in or I will have you marching squares day and fucking night until your feet bleed."
The voice of my old Sergeant during basic training echoed through my head as I quick marched away from the house. I didn't have a clue where I was going, twisting and turning through the streets of the estate, doing my best to avoid any pursuit that may come.
The evening sun was still warm on my face as I marched along, but I knew it would be setting soon and I needed to find myself somewhere to stay. Not for the first time on this trip was I glad of the money that I had in my bank account, knowing that it would see me clear until I sorted something out.
I was unemployed again; with nowhere to go and no-one to turn to...fuck my life.
After about ten minutes of walking, I slowed my pace, convinced that I was now safe. I'd found my way to a main road and was following signs towards the nearest town, hoping there'd be a station, or a bus or something I could use to get back into London. I didn't know what I would do with myself when I got there, but working for Secure365 had given me an idea, there's always a need for security contractors in the old war zones, and there are always companies looking for people that needed the cash and weren't bothered about the danger.
First though, I had to get where the work was and that meant getting back into London, and then I'd just have to see what happened.
The sun was setting when I finally made it to what passed for a railway station in this part of the world, little more than a concrete platform with a glass shelter that stank of spilt beer and urine. Fortunately the skies were clear and the evening was still warm so I opted to sit on one of the exposed benches and wait for the next train.
I heard footsteps coming down the steps from the ticket house, saw a lone figure in a hoodie walk over to a nearby bench and sit down; far enough away that I had no reason to be concerned about his presence. I was slightly more annoyed when I heard the click of a lighter and smelt the acrid aroma of cheap cigar smoke drifting down the platform.
"You can't smoke here," I shouted down to the figure, thinking that at the very worst a fist fight might be a good way to sort out my mood.
"Well you and I both know that's a stupid rule, Blondie," a familiar drawl replied causing me to look again at the hooded figure.
"What the fuck are you doing here, James?" I said getting to my feet as he tossed his cigar onto the tracks and pulled the hood off his head.
"Came to see if you were ok, my friend," he said with a grin, "you did leave my place in a bit of a hurry after all."
"I'm fine," I said, "or at least I will be when this fucking train comes and I can get into town."
"Be waiting a long time then, kid," he said getting up and walking towards me, "it's Sunday and there's no trains into London until the morning; did you not read the notice up there? There's works on the line."
"Looks like I'll need to find somewhere to stay here then," I said throwing my bag over my shoulder once more, walking past him and heading for the steps.
"Freen," James called after me, "its ok, you know, it's just me here; you don't have to head for the hills again."
"Not about heading for the hills, James," I said turning back to face him, "I'm heading for a hotel. All I want to do is find somewhere to stay so I don't end up sleeping under a bench again."
"You have somewhere to stay, kiddo, all you've got to do is climb into your car and let me drive you back to mine."
"I don't think that's a good idea," I said shaking off the hand that he placed on my shoulder.
"I don't work for you anymore. I think it's time I had some space from certain people."
"You think I'm going to let one of my best staff members go without a fight?" he said with a smile, "Not a hope, babe, besides you have a notice period to work off, don't you? Look, I'm fucking starving; thanks to you running off, I didn't get to finish my dinner. Why don't we go and grab a bite to eat and talk this over? If I can't change your mind, I'll drive you to London myself, I'll even put you up in the company apartment overnight if you can't find a place to stay."
"No tricks?" I asked pausing, my hand on the cold metal handrail.
"No tricks, my friend."
"No Becky?" I continued suspiciously.
"No Becky either," he said shaking his head "she's gone back to London."
"Oh," I replied simply, "is she ok?"
"Bit upset I think," he said, his eyes searching mine for a reaction; squinting slightly as I kept my best 'poker face' in place. "So, babe, you going to let me buy you dinner and get you back to my place?"
"You can buy me dinner, James," I replied smiling despite myself, "but I'm warning you; if you call me babe once more, I'll break your ankles and leave you to walk home."
"Nice, I love you too, kiddo," he replied with a grin and an arm around my shoulder. "Come on, let's go find out if this place has anything more interesting than the KFC or my favorite curry-house; then you can tell me why you just did that, and I can tell you, once again, why you're an idiot."
"No drinking though," I said as he led me up the stairs towards the street," I'm going back to being teetotal."
"Can't take the hangovers?" he asked giving my shoulders a squeeze and steering me towards the exit.
"Something like that yeah," I said, not wanting to say that I'd actually hated everything about the drinking session; not the conversation per se, but the whole knocking back drinks until I had numbed myself from the shit I was going through. Once before it had been pretty much the donething, but there had been a lot of water under the bridge since then.
------
"Well, I probably shouldn't say this," James said pushing away his plate and reaching for his pint, "but that was probably better than my mom's roast. Was it just me or was it just a little bit overdone?"
"Didn't notice," I said, pushing the peas around on my plate with a fork, barely touching the steak and chips I'd ordered.
"...and as for quitting, mate, don't you think that was a bit overdone, too?"
"Seemed like the only way," I replied, stabbing my fork into a vinegar soaked chip and eating it unenthusiastically.
"The only way to do what kiddo, drive Becky away?"
I glanced up at him, trying to see if there was any malice in his accusatory words, I couldn't see anything in his eyes though; my investigators instincts telling me it was a genuine question.
"Yeah," I admitted finally, stabbing at one more soggy chip, causing the woman at the table next to jump at the loud click as the fork hit the plate.
"Well, hell, Blondie, there are easier ways of solving problems you know? Like talking about it for example?"
"I tried that, James," I said pushing away my plate in disgust, "she gave me an ultimatum remember?"
"That she did," he said sadly, "I had a few words to say about that after you left."
"Yeah?" I asked unenthusiastically.
"Yeah," he replied, "I did. Can't think what she hoped to achieve doing that; said she wanted to get you to face up to things, that she wants you to be with her again."
"Wants me to get her killed?"
"Well, no," he replied shaking his head, "but then as there's only one person in the world that thinks that's likely, Freen; that was always a long shot."
"We've been here before, James," I told him.
"Yeah, we have, haven't we?" he answered sadly
Time ticked on and soon he'd convinced me to head back to his, and at least spend the night in a bed rather than under a bench as I'd threatened. The house was a silent as the grave when we pulled up and I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn't being ambushed again.
"Home, mate," he said expansively as he climbed down from the X5, "time to hit the hay."
"Yeah," I said yawning and locking the car, smiling as he weaved his way to his front door and struggled with the key. I'd thought he was quite the drinker when we were in the US, but he seemed to be quite worse for wear; unless of course it was all part of his act. 'Drunk' James didn't equate to 'work' James in my messed up little head and I'd found it surprisingly easy to talk to him again, despite not touching a drop.
"Cheer up, Blondie," he said as we finally got in, hanging up jackets on the hooks in the hallway, "things will look different in the morning. We'll go into the office and sort stuff out; it'll be fine, trust me."
"If you say so, boss," I told him with a shrug, "night."
"Sleep well, Blondie," he said as he opened the door to, what I assumed was his bedroom.
"I won't."
------
After another disturbed sleep, I was driving into London, with a dozing James in the passenger seat, still a little worse for wear after two days drinking. Traffic was as good as ever for a sunny Monday morning, that is to say jammed solid. As I crept my way through the streets towards the office, I was thankful that I wasn't heading for Armstrong Industries; spared that privilege by accompanying James to Secure365 instead.
Over a light breakfast, we'd discussed the plan for the day's ahead, and it was made clear that I wasn't going to be allowed to resign, not immediately anyway. As James put it, "we have a shit load of work ahead of us, blondie, and not enough time to sort it out in... I'm fucked if I'm letting you go."
As a, sort of, compromise, James agreed that I wouldn't be doing field duties for the Armstrongs for a while, but I would be acting in my grander role of liaison for the family's security. I was alsoroped into offering advice to him and his team on the actual event, though I was trying to avoid that at all costs.
The only thing I had to do as part of this 'deal' was continue with my sessions with Joanna. I'd mutely agreed, but if I was honest I'd made no promises. I had no real desire to spend my money on treatment, and given the circumstances, it didn't seem fair to allow Jenna to keep on supporting me.
So I was now an office wallah, exactly the sort of role I didn't want to have on leaving the army. I really didn't know what to do with myself, sat in the LT's office, I was supposed to be considering the logistics for Becky's trip out to India; but without any raw data I was simply guessing.
Eschewing the computer that was in front of me and rapping my pencil against some good old-fashioned paper, I wrote down a long list of things I needed to know, and needed to know ASAP.
"Where we at, Freen?" James said mid-morning appearing at the door with a vexed look on his face.
"Nowhere, boss," I replied honestly, "I've got a long list of things I need, and a short list of things I have."
"Well, hopefully that's going to get a bit easier my friend, follow me; we've got a briefing in the conference room in five, just time to grab a coffee... I think I need it."
"You drink too much, Boss," I told him grabbing my things and laboring out of the chair. "Especially on a school night."
"JJ tells me the same thing sometimes, kid," he said waving a hand dismissively, "Now hustle, if I don't get another coffee in my system pronto, I'm liable to fall asleep in this meeting."
"I certainly hope not, James," a familiar voice said causing him to turn around," I didn't need to peerout through the door to know how it was, I'd recognize that voice anywhere.
"Mrs A," he said with a broad smile, vanishing from my sight for a second, "well, if you're going to be present, ma'am there's no way I could ever fall asleep."
"You're a smooth talking devil James Porter; now, where's my favorite employee?"
"She's about to get me a much needed coffee, Jenna," he said leaning back through the door and winking, "white with one sugar... what about you?"
He laughed at my raised eyebrow and held up a hand, "ok, ok... so it looks like I'm getting the coffees in then; come on through, Jenna, it's about time I got to play host for you."
"Thank you, James," Jenna said pausing in the doorway and waving at me. "Freen, how are you,my dear?"
"Had better weeks, Mrs A," I said causing her to nod.
"So I've heard," she replied, "are you ok, though?"
"Good enough," I said shrugging and nodding to the side, "shall we?"
"I think we shall," she said with a smile that surprised me, "but I think you and I should have a catch up after this... lunch perhaps? My treat."
"I'm not sure I can spare the time, Mrs A," I said looking down at my pad filled with notes. "I've got a lot to do."
"I think we'll make some time, Freen," Jenna replied with a tilt of her head. "I think we could do with a little chat, don't you?"
"If you say so, Mrs Armstrong," I said formally, stepping out into the hallway.
"Oh, don't be like that, Freen, dear," she answered linking her arm in mine and pulling at me. "Now where is that boy James with my coffee?"
Three hours later, I wished that I had an intravenous drip feeding me coffee; I was bored fucking stupid sitting in one of the plush leather chairs listening to James and Jenna discussing the details of the mission. It was actually a pretty simple affair, Becky and a small sales team were heading to a military exercise in Northern India, taking along the standard weapons and ammunition they were hoping to sell in bulk to the Indian National Forces. Added to that was a small technical team who were they to demonstrate some of Armstrong Industries other wares, including some pretty fancy sounding missile launchers.
My contribution to the conversation so far had been to suggest that we airlift the munitions directly from the suppliers if time was as tight as it seemed, and a quick phone call from Jenna sorted that. Other than that, I'd been silent, what questions I had answered as the discussions progressed.
James was proving to be a sharp operator, and there was only one thing I disagreed with him on.
"I think there should be another vehicle on the journeys, boss," I'd ventured, "as a decoy at least. I'm not sure three is enough."
"Three will be fine, Freen," he said shaking his head, "there's not that many in the party and they'll be in the midst of a military escort there and back; let's not make them a bigger target thanvwe need to."
"I still..." I started, before catching a look from him that told me to mind my own business.
Chastened, I went back to my thoughts, planning the trip from London to India and back for the team. It didn't exactly take me long, after all a trip to Heathrow to get on a flight wasn't the most complicated thing in the world, and I'd planned far more difficult events in my time.
"Well, Becky will be in the office this afternoon if you need anything else, James," Jenna said at the end of the meeting. "Just give her or Bonnie a call; now can you spare Freen here for a while,because I'd like to take her for a spot of lunch?"
"That's ok with me, Mrs A," James said with a knowing smile, "take all the time you need."
Half an hour later, we were sat in a small restaurant not far from the office, ordering salads and drinks and sitting awkwardly opposite each other, neither of us seemingly willing to face the elephant that was sitting at the table with us.
"So how are you feeling, Freen?" Jenna said, skirting around the edges of what I knew she wanted to discuss.
"You already asked me that, Jenna," I said looking at the table, "remember? As I said, I've had better days."
"Yes, you do look exhausted; are the nightmares back?" she said looking at me carefully, "tell me the truth."
"Yeah," I told her, refusing to raise my eyes to the look that was burning into me.
"Worse than before?"
"Yeah."
The word hung between us for a second before she reached out and placed her hand on mine. "That's not good, dear, can I ask why that is?"
"You know why, Jenna," I told her, feeling like a ten year old once more; trying to hide my emotions and the truth from her.
"Becky," she replied simply, allowing the name to hang between us for a few seconds before... "She's told me what's happened of course," she continued, pausing and smiling as the waiter brought us our drinks. "I was a little surprised to see you there today I must say, Becky said you resigned last night and walked away without a word."
"Mmm," I replied eloquently, hiding behind a large cup of tea.
"So what happened? Why are you still at work, did you change your mind?"
"James made me stay on," I said taking a deep breath and letting it out. "Told me I couldn't quit that easily, that I needed to put it in writing and work my notice."
"Clever boy," she muttered with a tilt of her head and a wry smile, "I take it he's forcing you to work on Becky's little trip then?"
"Sort of, "I answered honestly, "I'm on logistics. I don't want anything to do with the field work."
"Because you don't want to put Becky at risk of any more of your mistakes?" she asked bluntly. I thought for a second before replying honestly.
"Pretty much, yes."
Jenna sighed and looked at me disappointedly.
"Don't," I said quickly, "don't say it."
"Well, if you already know what I was going to say, I see no point in wasting my breath then dear," she said with a grin, "now have you spoken to Joanna recently about the return of these nightmares?"
"Not since the other day," I confessed. "I gave her a ring while I was in Cheltenham."
"And?"
"And I said I'd go and see her soon; James made me promise the same thing."
"Well, that's good then, have you made an appointment yet?" Jenna pressed, sipping at her glass of white wine.
"I've not had chance, Jenna," I said maintaining the excuse I'd given to James, "I've been away, then I was at James' and then you know what happened yesterday."
"What about today? Did you call her this morning?"
"Been a bit busy, Jenna, there's a lot of work involved in organizing things."
She eyed me suspiciously as our food arrived, probably knowing, as well as I did, that my mornings work had hardly been demanding. We chatted idly over food, the conversation light and kept far away from work, or her daughter. I knew the time was coming, her motives clear, but for now at least it was pleasant.
"So, what are your plans?" she asked finally, pushing away her plate and filling her glass with water from the carafe in front of us.
"Well," I replied considering my words carefully. "I might look for a private contract in Afghanistan or Iraq or somewhere, apparently they're always looking for new blood with combat experience."
"So you still plan to leave then," she said frowning.
"I guess I'll have to see what James has planned for me, if anything," I answered honestly. "I'm not cut out to be a desk monkey, that's why I left the army in the first place."
"All this because of Becky, Freen? Isn't that just a little bit silly?"
"She was the only thing that got me this job, Jenna; it was her that James had in mind when he employed me, I was the carrot on the end of the stick to dangle in front of Rob."
"You think I don't know that?" she asked with a smile. "James is a very clever boy, though he did tell me that Jeremiah had earmarked you as an employee for your talent long before they thought of us."
"Yeah? Well perhaps I have a future there then," I said shrugging, "who knows?"
"But not with Becky," she said, finally getting to the point.
"I don't think so, Jenna," I said taking a sip from my drink. "Not while there's still a threat against her."
"To use one of your lines, do you mean personally or professionally there?"
I shrugged again, "I don't know if there's a difference anymore, Jenna, I think that line became blurred a long time ago."
"This is difficult for her, Freen," she said looking at me seriously, "she fell for you very hard, you know. She doesn't really understand why you're so scared by all of this, but she's trying to be strong."
"It's hard for me too, Jenna," I confessed staring over her shoulder to the people walking by on the other side of the window, their lives blissfully unencumbered by death threats and attacks. "I don't like this either, but I'll do anything to keep her safe, even stay away from her."
"You do still love my daughter, don't you?" Jenna asked suddenly.
"I do," I replied nodding, "I really do, and that's the problem for me; when I'm with her, I'm thinking about her, not thinking about the job. That's what caused the mistake in Baghdad, it really was only blind luck that we got out alive."
"Blind luck and a fair bit of skill from you the way Becky tells it dear."
"We can't rely on luck, Jenna," I said, repeating a line that 'Grouch' Langdon had told me back in Iraq a long time ago. "Luck isn't enough, and it has a habit of disappearing when you think you need it the most. Planning, focus and concentration, that's what's important; and if you have luck on your side, all the better."
"That sounds like a rehearsed speech, dear," she said tilting her head quizzically, reminding me of the birds that used to flock around the rubbish bins in Kandahar. "How many times have you told yourself that over the last few days I wonder?"
I smiled wryly, "I've told it to a few people over the years, Jenna, but not myself. It was something my old Sergeant used to say; last time I gave that speech it was in Afghanistan, a couple of weeks before my best friend was killed."
She didn't reply, simply eyed me shrewdly. "Do you know Becky talked to me about leaving the company last week?" she said finally; changing the subject and shocking me a little.
"No," I said shaking my head, "we haven't really talked much recently."
"She told me that, too; she also told me that she made a stupid mistake last night that she regrets a lot."
I raised an eyebrow at her words and waited for her to continue.
"She asked my advice when things started to get rocky between you two, when you got back from Baghdad. I was the one who told her to give you some space if you needed it; that you would sort yourself out and come back stronger. Last night, she decided she couldn't wait for you to do that and tried to force you to come back. She was most upset about your reaction, andapparently James told her a few home truths."
"Like?"
"Well, apparently he compared you to a wounded animal dear, and said she was stupid to try and corner you."
"Nice," I said shaking my head at the analogy.
"Accurate though, from the sounds of things; she's been trying to call you, you know? She says you haven't been answering."
"I left it at James' when I walked out, didn't remember to pick it up this morning." I said with yet one more shrug of my shoulders.
"Well, I think she would want me to beg you to call her, Freen. She really wants to apologize to you, see if she can make things right and convince you to change your mind."
"She can't, not about the trip anyway," I said getting to my feet and reaching into my pocket, tossing a few notes onto the table in front of me to cover my share of the meal. "Thanks for inviting me to lunch, Jenna, I'll be in touch."
"Will you, Freen?" she called after me as I walked back to the office, my symbolic gesture presumably understood.
I simply waved in response.
-----
Monday night found me sitting in front of the television set, back in the apartment where my life had started again. James had handed me the keys as the end of our final briefing, the plans for the following days finalized over coffee and laughs; laughs I didn't join in with.
"Here, Blondie, as promised," he said as he slid the keys across the table to me after the rest of the field team left. "You can thank me later, now go and get some sleep; you look like you need it."
"I'm fine, boss," I said pocketing the keys gratefully; "I want to go over things again, just to make sure."
"Sure of what? Your side of the mission is done and dusted, by lunchtime tomorrow, they'll be in the air and then your work is done."
"I'm still not happy about the transport arrangements, boss," I said with a frown, "I still think we're at least a vehicle light, especially for the demonstrations."
"They'll be fine," he replied shaking his head, "the team have run the numbers kiddo, it all works out."
"My gut tells me otherwise, boss," I said as he got up from the chair, "and over the years, I've learned to trust it."
"I'll take it under advisement," he said clapping me on the shoulder as he passed. "Now I'm going to head home, you have a good night, Freen."
"You too, boss," I replied getting a snort in reply.
The apartment felt empty as I made myself at home; what had once felt like abject luxury after the streets, felt like loneliness as I tramped around with no-one to talk to. I'd ordered a pizza from the rack of menus, still stacked neatly in a draw where I'd left them. To all intents and purposes, the place looked like no-one had been here since the last time I stayed, but I knew that wasn't true; the fresh milk in the fridge a testament to someone preparing the place for my visit.
I knew who it had been as well, my phone lying on the countertop, the charging cable plugged into the wall. I picked it up and flicked the slide controller to unlock it, blinking in surprise as the notes 'App' displayed rather than the home screen. On it was a simple message, four words and a letter that told me, without a shadow of a doubt, whom it had been playing with my phone.
'James gave me your phone. Please call Becky - Bonnie'
I'd merely snorted and deleted the note, dialing the wonderfully named 'Salsa Verde Pizzeria' for my dinner instead.
By the time nine o'clock crawled around though, I was feeling pretty much like a spare wheel. For someone who had thrived on their own company for so long, I found that I actually hated being alone. Toying with my phone, I allowed my thumb to hover over Becky's number before giving in and pressing it, the call being picked up before the second ring had ended.
"Freenky, is that you?"
"Hi," I answered finally, after leaving a long pause.
"It is you," Becky practically sobbed down the phone at me, "Babe, I'm so glad you rang, I've been calling you for hours trying to say I'm sorry."
"James had my phone, I left it at his place last night."
"I heard; he rang me about an hour ago and said he'd left it at the apartment. Is... is that where you are now?"
"Not quite," I lied in case she decided to come over, "I'm out at the moment."
"Oh," she replied sounding a bit dismayed as if that had been her thought too, "where are you then?"
"Don't really know," I said, stretching out on the sofa, "just went for a drive."
"Well, I'm glad you called, baby," she said after a slight intake of breath.
"Your mother asked me to, and Bonnie left me a message asking me to as well."
"I asked them to, Freenky, I wanted to talk to you, wanted to say that I really am sorry about being a bitch last night, I shouldn't have said what I did." I heard her take another breath before continuing. "James and mum weren't very happy with me, gave me a hard time about what I did, and I totally deserved it. It was unfair of me to try and force you to do something you don't want to. I don't want you to quit your job, Freen. Please, won't you reconsider?"
"James hasn't let me quit yet," I said softly, "technically, I'm still working for him."
"Does that mean..." she asked expectantly, before fading out, the rest of her question unasked as if she was scared to voice it.
"No, Becky," I said flatly, and I could feel here deflate at the other end of the line. "I'm not coming to India. I've not even been involved in the planning for that part of the trip. I'm not risking you with my fuck ups again."
"I would rather have your fuck ups than most people's good work, baby, I really would."
"It's better this way, Bec," I told her, "we both know it... look, I need to get going if I'm going to get home before midnight; but do me a favor, do as the team tell you and stay safe this week."
"I will babe, I'll stay safe," she replied with a quaver in her voice. "Will I see you when I get home?"
"Let's concentrate on getting you home first," I said seriously, "then we'll see, ok?"
"Ok," she answered sadly, "at least it gives me a reason to look forward to coming home, sort of."
"Yeah, well have a good trip, Becky."
"Not without you, Freenky, not anymore anyway, it won't be the same without you. I love you, baby."
"Yeah, I love you too. Good night, Becky."
"Night, love, miss you."
I couldn't settle after I put down the phone, wandering back and forth like a zoo animal that had gone cage crazy. I was full of nervous energy after talking to Becky again, and I needed to do something other than sit in front of the television watching some meaningless drama.
Thankfully, I remembered what I loved about staying here, and ten minutes later, I was dressed in my racing suit and a robe and heading down the stairs to the pool. It was just as I remembered it, though why I thought it would be different I didn't know. There was that wonderful silence, only the echo of my footsteps as I marched across the tiles towards the tiny wooden benches where I could leave my gear. The water in the pool was cold on my skin as I dived in; but it was good, cleansing, soothing.
And right now I needed soothing, right now I needed my brain to shut down.
-----
The rest of the week went like clockwork, even if my anxious face kept appearing in and out of the various parts of the office, looking out for information that would tell me if Becky, and her team were ok. Happily, the reports that we were getting from the specialist field unit that James had assigned to the sales team were mostly positive. The initial round of meetings had gone without a hitch and the first of the demonstrations had also gone to plan.
The only thing that had concerned me a little was that the second demonstration had been moved, though James assured me that this was being taken into account. Rather than at the location we had originally been informed about, the maneuvers were taking place a lot closer to the disputed border with Pakistan in the far north of the country. It wasn't the end of the world, mission-wise, but it did add another level of threat to the profile.
"Will you stop fussing, Freen?" James had told me on Thursday lunchtime as I appeared in the meeting room, "everything is fine. We've just spoken to the team and there's nothing unusual about this and they're going to be fifty miles from anywhere that's considered sensitive."
"But what about the threats?" I'd replied. "'The Protectors' are known to have links in Pakistan, don't you think we should step up security a little?
"Guys on the ground aren't worried, Freen," he'd replied, shaking his head, "and neither are my tech team. The threat is low my friend, Becky will be fine."
Despite his assurances, my gut was still churning away and I spent an uncomfortable afternoon, fretting about things. So much so I finally broke down that evening and called Joanna, thankful of the reassuring sound of her voice on the other end of the line.
"It's ok to be nervous, Freen," she said, her voice calm and relaxing, "despite everything that's happened, you still love Becky and you're worried about her."
"Shouldn't I be?" I asked a little angrily.
"I don't know, but from what you tell me, everyone is saying, Becky's fine and even you think her security is ok..."
"I said it was adequate," I interrupted, "just about."
"Are you worried for her safety or just worried you're not there?"
I pondered her question, we'd discussed this in one of my earlier sessions, the gnawing feeling that I used to have when I was in the CPU; the feeling that if I wasn't there my boys would get hurt or worse. She'd patiently explained that it wasn't in any way uncommon in soldiers; and how it wasn't in any way supported by evidence.
"Bit of both I think," I replied honestly, "I want to be there so I could make sure she is safe, but I still don't want to risk jinxing things."
"Freen, you can't be a jinx," she explained again, "there's no such thing. You didn't jinx anything; you're just reacting to the belief that you made a mistake, just like you did with your friend Paul. You're just torturing yourself to make yourself feel better."
"So why don't I?" I asked, my chest compressing at the thought, "why don't I feel better?"
"Because that's not how it works, and you know that, too. Look, I have a space tomorrow afternoon, why don't you come in and see me? I think we could do a lot more face to face, can you make it for about one o'clock?"
"I'll have to ask my boss," I said already knowing the answer would be yes; I was sure James would be glad to see me gone even if it was only for an hour or so.
"Then I'll pencil you in, Freen, if you need anything else give me a call. See you tomorrow."
I spent the rest of the evening in the apartment block's tiny gym before heading to the pool once more; churning my way through rep after rep, length after length, looking for some peace in the exhaustion of exercise.
------
I didn't find any peace that night, but I did find exhaustion; falling into a restless, nightmare filled, sleep somewhere around midnight. By the time I looked into the mirror after my morning's shower, I was looking like the definition of boiled shite, black rings under my eyes a testament to my haunted dreams.
I was up early as I had been all week, heading into the office to catch up with what was happening in India, making sure things were going well. As usual, the building was virtually empty, apart from Mel from the Ops team, acting as early morning liaison.
"In again, Freen," she said as I walked into their tiny office, two steaming cups of coffee in my hands, "I bet you'll be glad then they're all home and you can have a lie in."
I smiled at her teasing, she'd been winding me up since Wednesday when I was in early to oversee the teams trip to Heathrow.
"Do you want this coffee or not Melanie-Jane?" I replied, hoisting the drink out of her reach.
"Damn, you sound like my mother," she laughed, reaching up and stretching to grab the cup.
"Gimme you or I won't tell you what's going on."
"What is going on?" I asked nervously, pushing the cup into her hands.
"Absolutely nothing," she said, grabbing the cup and sticking her tongue out at me. "Team Lead reports that breakfast was rubbish and it's, quote 'really fucking hot'."
"Cow," I told her taking a sip from my cup, "anything else?"
"Nope," she said with a shake of her head, "everything's quiet. The team's due to move out to the test site in about an hour."
"Threat level?" I asked, again as usual.
"Non-existent," she replied, again as usual and I relaxed a little.
"Good, I'll go check on my e-mails then, let me know..."
"...If anything changes; sure Freen, of course I will."
I spent the next few hours in the LT's office, dealing with mundane details of shipping numbers, freight timetables and flight times; checking and double checking that everything the team needed for the flight back was correct. The plan required a couple of hours drive from the testing site to Srinagar followed by a private flight back to New Delhi. Due to the timing, I'd been forced to book them into a hotel for an overnight stay before getting the first flight home. It wasn't the ideal situation I knew, but it was better than my trip home from that corner of the world.
Just before nine, James' face appeared around the door to the office, a grin plastered all over it.
"Freen, what a surprise it is to see you here so bright and early," he said with a wink.
"Fuck off, boss," I replied with a grin, "you checked in yet?"
"Yeah, all quiet, they're on the drive out now, so far so good."
"Cool," I replied nodding, "look I need a favor this afternoon, Joanna's got a slot at one and given that you..."
"...Take it, Freen," he interrupted giving me a thumbs up, "anything to stop you wearing out the carpet between here, my office the conference room and the bloody Ops Center."
"Thanks, boss, I'll try not to be too long with her."
"Take as much time as you need. I think you'll be better for it."
He gave me another wink before vanishing, leaving me to my thoughts, and my screen. Perhaps I had been a bit of a pain in the ass this week, trying to be involved when I wasn't actually supposed to be. I knew James was making allowances for the circumstances, or was even playing the long game and allowing me enough rope to hang myself; tempting me back into the business by default. Either way, I decided to try and stay in the office for as long as I could, after all there was nothing much I could do from here.
Nothing except worry.
Despite my vow to stay out of the way, I got regular updates from the guys at the office, Mel sending me an e-mail to tell me the team had arrived on site. I allowed myself to breathe a sigh of relief at that news, the test site was well and truly guarded, it would take a suicide mission to get at Becky there, not that that was something that couldn't happen.
Still, I was assured that the security around the sales and technical team was impressive, but then when you're hanging around with some of the most senior officers in the Indian army, I guess you would expect that. The last update was almost celebratory, the mission so far a complete success. The mood in the office was relaxed, and I headed off for my appointment with Joanna a happy girl.
------
Two hours later, I was driving back to the office a happy and relaxed girl, the session with Joanna one of my better ones. She hadn't done much talking, but her questions had been challenging, and right to the point of my problems. I'd made a decision on the drive home, a decision that I might live to regret but needed to do. I'd sent an email to Becky saying that I'd pick her and her CPO from the airport, and that if she wanted to, we could go somewhere and talk about things. I even sent a text to Jenna to tell her what I'd decided, getting a delighted reply in return. All in all it had been a great session.
Joanna had made me realize that I really missed Becky, that I was worried about her for all the right reasons, because I loved her and I wanted to be there for her; she'd convinced me that this time making the first move would be the right thing to do.
She'd given me space, it was up to me to close the gap and see what happened.
It was with a cheesy little spring in my step that I tugged off my aviators and headed up to the offices. I was feeling so good that I didn't bother with the lift, taking the stairs in an attempt to wear out my good mood before James spotted it and ripped the piss out of me.
My good mood evaporated as soon as I walked through the huge double doors, though; the atmosphere had changed and there was an unmistakable tension in the air. I noticed it the second that Helen on reception caught my eye and then looked away, suddenly interested in whatever was on the screen in front of her. As I walked through the office, people were giving me looks and I knew that something was wrong.
"What's going on, James?" I said, knocking on his door and walking in unannounced.
"Take a seat, Freen," he said waving at the chair, "now, don't panic, this is probably nothing, but we've lost contact with the team in India."
"What do you mean lost contact?" I demanded, out of the chair in an instant.
"Just that, Freen, we've had a communications breakdown. Don't jump to conclusions, it's happened before; we're just waiting for them to check in now."
"How long have they been out of contact?" I asked, my heart feeling like it was going to explode in my chest.
"Not long, they missed their call-in about twenty minutes ago, probably a dead zone or a duff battery."
"But it might not be," I responded angrily, "we can't assume all is going well."
"James is right Freen, dear," Jenna's voice called out from behind me causing me to whirl around in shock. "We can't assume the worst just yet. Heavens, if Colin thought that I was in trouble every time I couldn't use my phone, he'd never have got any sleep at all."
She hugged me as she walked into the office, placing a surprising kiss on my cheek.
"Thank you for the text by the way. I was in the office and I thought I should come by to see you and say congratulations; it was really good news."
"Yeah, well, Joanna is a great listener," I replied with a smile, "helped me sort things out a little."
"What's this?" James asked, looking on with interest.
"Freen's agreed to meet up with Becky to sort things out, James," Jenna said walking over to hug him too. "I think our little girl has just grown up a little bit more."
"Well, if that doesn't just make me the proudest papa in the whole wide world," he said, overemphasizing his accent just a little bit.
"So, what exactly is going on, James?" Jenna asked finally, "did I hear your team is out of contact?"
"They are, Jenna," he replied casually, though I could hear the underlying tension in his voice. "But it's probably nothing. Would you like to wait in the conference room, until we hear from them?"
"I think that would be a good idea, James, I think I would appreciate knowing when they check in."
We waited in the conference room for the next hour or so, a cold cup of untouched coffee in front of me while I fretted. Despite James' reassuring words, I knew her was as worried as I was, the team had not missed one call and had only been five minutes late on one occasion due to a lack of signal on the satellite phone they were using. I knew it could have been nothing more than a dead battery or a dropped phone shattering into pieces on a rocky floor; but my gut was telling me something different, my gut was telling me it was not good.
As we sat there, lost in our thoughts, the silence was shattered by the ringing of the desk phone and James snatched at it quickly.
"James here....yeah, yeah sure, Bonnie, why? Freen, put the TV on please... what channel Bon?...Sky News please, Freen."
I walked over to the screen on the wall and turned it on, picking up the remote from the side and flicking channels until the Sky News logo and a female newsreader appeared.
"Turn the sound up, Freen," Jenna said as my eyes were drawn to the yellow ticker that was running across the screen. Numbly, I pressed the button until the voice became clear drowning out the clatter as I dropped the remote to the floor.
"Details are unclear at the moment, but reports are coming in from our correspondent in the Indian province of Jammu and Kashmir that a British business woman is missing following an attack on her vehicle in the area. It is understood that the three car convoy she was traveling in was ambushed on their journey back from a military exercise close to the disputed border withPakistan. The woman, thought to be Miss Rebecca Armstrong of Armstrong Industries was negotiating a multi-million pound business deal at the time. Miss Armstrong was involved in what was believed to be an attempted kidnapping earlier this year and..."
The room went silent at that moment, the screen of the television shattered into a million pieces; the only sound was the clunk of the glass shards as they fell from the frame and the wet splashes as my fist dripped blood to the carpet.