Lila's POV:
I can confidently say that I was in no way wrong when being deeply concerned about Declan coming out here with one arm.
Training officially went from hard to impossible.
It was filled with frustrating days, lots of falling, an overuse of curse words, and bringing myself and Luke almost to the point of tears.
We didn't let our frustrations get the best of us as Luke continued to be encouraging and would just help me get up and we'd pretend it didn't happen. We brushed it off and moved on.
I've learned that climbing is pretty much out of the question... so much for all that work going into learning how to climb the pole, huh? We've decided that I simply won't do any climbing.
And if I have to, Luke said he's going to do whatever it takes to carry both of us to wherever we need to be.
The good thing is, I can shoot better with one arm than almost anyone can here with both arms. Must've been something I taught myself in the womb because I have no idea where this talent came from. The problem is, I don't see myself going out to the battlefield and being the person in the frontline firing away for the hell of it. I'd like to think I'll be the person keeping a lookout or helping people who are injured or being people's additional set of eyes at any point.
In no universe do I see myself relishing in the death of others at my own expense.
And I think Luke understands this. I think he knows that I have no intention of being someone who's going to be killing people by the second. Unless, of course, it means life or death for someone I care about. Otherwise, I'd like to be put to use in any other way.
Sighing at the sight of myself, I think about the fact that this will be one of the last times I look at myself in a mirror for a while. Once we leave tomorrow, the only way I'll be able to see myself is through the reflection of another person's eyes. Right now, I see an overworked girl who's ready to lay in bed and attempt to sleep off the worries of tomorrow. I remember just how hard it was for me to fall asleep the night I left for this place but looking back, that was so minuscule to the demons I'll be facing tomorrow.
There's a soft knock at the bathroom door, grabbing my attention as I turn my head. I'm immediately met with the sight of Luke as he's clad in sweats, his own hair wet as it's clear he had gotten out of the shower not too long ago.
"You alright?" he doesn't fail to ask me, causing me to furrow my eyebrows.
"Yeah, why do you ask?"
Luke cracks a lighthearted smile, "Because you've been in here for the past twenty minutes staring at yourself in the mirror. I mean hell, I don't blame you... I'd want to stare at myself too if I looked like that but figured I should check in-"
I shake my head, having not realized it had been that long as I blink my eyes at him. Twenty minutes? I could've sworn I just got in here.
"No way it was twenty minutes, I just got in here."
Luke checks his watch on his wrist before chuckling, "Hate to break it to you sweetheart but it's been twenty minutes. I was going to check in on you after ten but figured you wanted some alone time before you'll be lacking that for quite some time."
Twenty minutes? Damn, I was really lost in my thoughts for that long?
"I didn't even realize," I say shaking my head, making the move to step away from the mirror. The funny thing is, I don't think I really looked at myself more than twice during that whole time period. I was truly focused on everything else.
Luke opens his arms out instantly, guiding me to step towards them as I do so without hesitation. I'm sure he catches onto the fact that I was lost in my own thoughts during that time and that I really was doing anything but looking at myself.
"You okay?" he mumbles to me, before kissing the top of my head as I wrap my arms around his waist and nod my head against his firm chest.
"Yeah," I say feeling safe in his arms. "At least now I am."
Luke kisses the top of my head once more, giving me an extra tight squeeze before rocking me slightly. I calm myself in the sound of his heartbeat, reminding myself that the two of us are alive and well right now. There's no promising what tomorrow brings but right now, I have him as he's handsome, alive, caring, and with me.
"You want to talk about it?" he asks me.
I hesitate. I do want to talk, I just don't know what about. I want to go lay in bed with him and see what leaves my lips then. After all, it's weird to think tomorrow I'm going to be put on a battlefield where my life could be taken at any given moment. He's been through a night like this, whereas, I haven't.
"Let's just go lay down," is all I say.
I let go of his waist so Luke does the same, stepping aside for me to lead the way. I had borrowed a shirt of his, as well as his boxers in order to feel as safe and comfortable as possible tonight. Even though I know he'll hold me close to him tonight, I want to feel him and smell him on every part of me. It's my reminder that things could be a lot worse. I could go out there with no one who would jump in front of a bullet for me or someone who would do anything to keep me safe. Instead, I have that in him and Ashton.
And for that, I'm so lucky.
I lead the way to our bedroom and don't hesitate to pull back the covers as I'm desperate for this bed. This is the last nice bed I'll be sleeping in for a while so I truly need to take advantage of the sleep I'm about to get.
Luke follows, getting into bed with me as I admire the sight of a comfy Luke Hemmings in front of me. I can't even imagine a dressed-up Luke as all I've ever seen him in is his lieutenant attire and his nighttime attire. I have a hard time thinking anything can beat the soft look of him in a crewneck and sweatpants. That's my favorite version of Luke... the one who's ready to put aside his tough demeanor and hold me like he's terrified of losing me.
Once he's under the covers, he doesn't hesitate to pull my body to his, holding me like he knows I quietly desire. I feel a sense of ease take over me completely as I shut my eyes softly, appreciating the moment between the two of us.
His long fingers immediately run up and down my back, scratching it softly while I breathe against his chest, once again finding comfort in his heartbeat.
"I'm here... I'm always going to be here, Lila," he says to me, clearly knowing what's running through my mind as my posture is definitely nothing short of stiff.
I don't say anything, thinking about what it is I want to talk about. I don't want to talk about the possibility of me not making it out because we've already talked about that far too much. I could bring up what life will look like once we make it out. Or I could bring up how I'm terrified of what my role will be once I'm in there. Or I could talk about literally anything that doesn't surround the final round.
Or I could flat-out tell him how terrified I am.
I'm terrified of the person I'll be in there and the person I'll be once I'm out of there... well, if I make it out of there. Will I suffer from PTSD? Will I be someone who becomes numb to everything? Will I lose my arm permanently like my brother did? Will people look at me differently?
For that, I can't help but ask, "Will you look at me the same if I make it out alive?"
Luke seems entirely thrown off by my question, clearly not being able to read my mind as this takes him by surprise.
"Is that a serious question?" he asks a small chuckle following his words.
I look at him, wanting to show the concern in my expression as it's far from a joke. Sure, it may sound crazy at first but if he really thought about my question... maybe it wouldn't.
He catches onto the seriousness written across my face and a look of concern takes over his own.
"Lila, when you make it out, of course, I'll still look at you the same. Absolutely nothing changes out there."
I go into defense, "What if I become numb to pain? Or what if I jump every time I hear something drop? What if I go into defense mode any time you try to sneak up on me? What if I-"
"Then I'll learn to respect and help you through your new boundaries," he says without hesitation as if it were that easy. "War is a traumatic and terrifying place. It will change you no matter how strong you are and I will feel nothing but admiration and awe toward you."
"You're going to see a scary side of me out there, Luke," I say, knowing war is far from a beautiful place. It's a place that elicits fear, anger, hatred, and sadness. I can't imagine a single positive thing coming from this experience. "I'm not going to be the Lila that you wake up to with a smile on her face or the one who's filled with laughter-"
"I adore every side of you, Lila," he cuts me off once more, seeming to not want to hear any of it. "The good, the bad, the stubborn."
He cracks a smile at the last one, knowing how stubborn I am. I'm sure he expects me to mirror it but I just keep my stern expression, wanting to hear what he has to say.
"I'm honored to get to see every side of you. I'll see a real, raw version of you and I find comfort in knowing I'll be by your side to help you and guide you through it all."
I look down, the thought of the scary things I'll have to do out there coming to mind. I don't want Luke to see a killer side to me. Sure, it's one thing to shoot a gun at a bunch of targets but the thought of him seeing a side of me that doesn't exist and should never exist, I'm not sure that's something I'm willing to expose anyone to.
It's becoming more real as I dwell on the person I'll be out there and the person I'm expected to be. And the thought of someone I care about so deeply seeing me be a killer is something I'm not willing to fathom.
"I don't want to kill anyone, Luke."
Maybe this isn't the right time to be admitting this. After all, I'm going to be a soldier and my main duty is to kill people. However, the thought of killing someone who has a family back home, kids, a lover, people who pray for them to make it back... I can't be the one to take it away from them.
During the length of our training, everything was always pretend and I never had to actually aim at a human being. For this to suddenly become real is petrifying to me. This isn't a pretend game of army, this is real life and these are real people.
I look up to Luke, stress in my expression as this has been weighing on me slightly. Once I actually became capable of shooting a gun, I knew that the reality of killing someone was becoming more prominent. When I was bad at shooting a gun, I'd just assume that I'd miss and injure them badly and that'd be good enough.
Luke's eyes search into my own as mine hold much emotion to them.
"I mean unless it was your life on the line or Ashton's or Calum's– I just, I can't do that. I don't want to take away someone's life."
I see sympathy in Luke's eyes and I wish more than anything I could make sense of it. Is he showing this because he knows I have to or is he showing this because he knows how hard this will be on me and he wants to figure out a different use for me?
"And I'm sorry, I know that's not ideal but-"
"I saw this coming, Lila. I knew you were going to tell me this," Luke says, cutting me off before I can apologize. This causes me to raise my eyebrows, shocked to hear this and shocked by how casual he is about this. "I've been thinking of a plan b since you got here."
This surprises me the most. What?
I just stare at him, waiting for him to elaborate as he continues to scratch my back, comforting me regardless of what we just came to terms with.
"The second I looked into your eyes, I knew that you wouldn't have the heart to kill someone out there, no matter how evil. I've been curating our plan for you all along."
I feel relief wash over me, thankful as ever that he understood without me having to say anything. Of course, he has a plan, I should've figured that much.
"And once you told me about Declan, it only solidified everything. You have a heart of gold and you're just in a shitty circumstance. You don't want to go out there and kill everyone like I do. You want to go out there, so your brother doesn't have to, and do whatever you can to help those you care about."
It amazes me that someone who only has known me for a few months can read me better than I can read myself.
"So don't worry, I don't expect you to be firing at the other side and killing them off one by one," he says, making me shut my eyes in relief for a brief moment. "Instead, I want you to be our main source to look out for anyone who could be sneaking over, I'm going to teach you how to set up some mean booby traps, and use you as someone who will aim to injure the other side in order for us to put them out for good."
I nod my head, feeling confident in all the duties he's spoken of as they seem doable. I've done a few trainings on traps and I definitely always took an interest in them. Luke clearly remembered that I told him I'd love to set some up in the battlefield. Hearing this plan relaxes me greatly and I feel like I can finally breathe again.
In a sense, I can just convince myself it's just pretend, right? Ashton, Declan, and I use to set up booby traps and I would pretend sometimes side with Ashton in order to rat out Declan anytime we'd catch him trying to sneak over.
I don't have to force myself to relish in the idea that people's lives are on the line.
"How does that sound to you?" he asks, not seeming to get any verbal confirmation yet.
I nod once more, "In all honesty... much better."
Luke smiles, seeming to find comfort as well in hearing this. I'm thankful beyond words that he cares about me enough to muster up a plan b for me. I could've never guessed that he'd be willing to change my duties out there completely.
"We're going to make it out of there, you know that... right?" he asks, his eyes searching my own, clearly trying to pass on reassurance. And as much as I want to agree, I know it'd be stupid of me to assume the best-case scenario. Obviously, I have to be prepared to accept the fact that these could be some of my final days with Luke Hemmings.
The person I was missing my whole life.
"You and me," he says. "And then we'll go back home... live a normal life. Be normal people. And live the life we're meant to live."
I shoot him a soft smile to show him I'm listening. I know he wants me to tell him I believe him but the truth is, I'm too in touch with reality to know there's no promising that.
"I'll come home and meet your parents... hopefully, your dad won't be too hard on me considering I whipped you into shape out here," he gives me a look, making me genuinely let out a small laugh as I know my dad and I know he's going to be hard no matter what. He's always been a tough critic. "We can move in together eventually, maybe get a dog for emotional support after all this bullshit."
My eyes brighten up at the mention of getting a dog. I've always been an animal lover and for Luke to be suggesting this it makes my heart stammer in the best way.
"I think Declan would get jealous though, we'd might need to get a three bedroom."
I laugh once again, knowing Declan would definitely be jealous. He'd absolutely want to move in with us and wouldn't let us have our own space. Due to going without him for so long, I can say with confidence that I'd be on board.
"Don't forget Ashton," I say speaking of Declan's best friend who he can't live without.
"As long as he gets over the whole jealousy thing," Luke says, scratching my back lightly. "I'd like to kiss you without getting a death glare from him."
"I'm sure he'll get over it," I say, relaxing into him further. "He'll find someone and soon enough, we'll be going on normal people double dates."
"Oo, what restaurant should we go to first?" Luke asks, continuing this conversation seeming to pick up on the way it relaxes me.
"Anywhere, I'll be so excited to eat anything that's not the cafeteria food."
"Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen you excited to eat something in my life."
I crack a smile, shrugging my shoulders, "That's because you haven't seen me in front of a hearty burger. I can eat one quicker than Declan."
Luke backs up slightly in order to see if I'm lying while raising his eyebrows. I just look into his eyes, proving I'm telling the truth because I certainly have an appetite unlike any other. I'm proud of it and Luke just hasn't seen it here because none of the food is enticing.
"Alright, now that I need to see."
I laugh to myself, hoping this is a side to me he'll be able to see. I hope we make it out of here and see the best sides to one another. The normal sides to us that are forced to be hidden in an environment like this. After all, Luke may think he's seen all of me but there's absolutely much more to be seen.
The real, happier sides to me.
And I hope he'll continue to see that if we make it out. I don't want to be someone who's drastically changed by war but I know that this is something that is absolutely likely. Especially if I lose people close to me.
I want to ask him what I'm supposed to do if he doesn't make it out alive or what he's going to do if I don't make it out alive. I want to make sure he'll be okay okay. And if I don't, I want him to promise me he'll take care of Declan and Ashton. I want him to make sure they'll be okay moving on with their lives. I want to make sure he'll look after them as he would me.
Both of us making it out alive would be a miracle.
When I look at Luke, I see someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I see someone who can heal me from all the pain and trauma I'm about to endure. I see someone who will stick by me no matter what and do everything he can to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.
So as I reach for his hair, tucking it behind his ear, I envision a version of us in our own home, without a worry in the world, coming back from a date as we are excited for tomorrow and the future. I picture a version of us that is so unlike the two people who lay here in preparation of a situation that could be life or death for them tomorrow.
And all I can do, for now, is hope that luck is on our side.
"If we make it out of here-"
"When we make it out of here," Luke is quick to cut me off.
Knowing that's what he wants to hear, I nod my head slightly and say, "When we make it out of here, there will be a lot of things I want to show you."
Luke smiles, probably imagining to himself what these things could possibly be. Of the two of us, I know he's certain that there will be a future beyond the final round for us two. I can see it in his eyes and I can tell even further by how big he's smiling. That's a smile showing excitement and optimism.
And unfortunately for him, I can't return the same but I do the best that I can.
___________________________________________
And the second I woke up, it all began.
I woke up to Luke frantically moving around the room as he had been rushing around, acting like we only had minutes until take off. I know that our flight leaves at 7 AM but the clock proved that we had plenty of time.
I'm sure he's anxious as everything begins today and the break from reality is over. There's no sneaking off for kisses, or playing capture the flag at dark, or going to sleep without being fearful of what could happen the second we close our eyes.
Our reality becomes real the second we leave this cabin.
I hardly move an inch before Luke's head whips around. I can see the stress written on his face as his teeth latch onto his lip and his eyebrows are scrunched causing lines in his forehead. I want to say something, ask if he's okay, but he beats me to it.
"Lila, I need you ready in ten. The planes are going to be here in thirty and I'm heading off to make sure everyone is ready and prepared."
"Okay so–"
I don't get to respond. Luke gets a message on his walkie and within seconds he's marching out of our cabin. I sit frozen in the bed, knowing he means business as I have to move quick in order to be ready as he needs.
We had packed up the cabin yesterday and I know people will be going through all the cabins to load our stuff onto the planes. Due to this, I'm left with a nearly empty room, only occupied by a few bags that are aligned against the wall, filled with our clothes and necessities from training.
For that, I can't help but take a deep breath and dwell on all the memories in this room... the good and the bad. I recall all the times Luke's held me in his arms in comfort as we opened up to one another. I recall all the times we've drove each other to our greatest highs in this room, bringing a sensation to this place that I didn't even know to be possible. And I recall all the good times in this room that we laughed and smiled and dreamed of a life beyond this place.
Even in a place as scary as these campgrounds, I can confidently say I made myself a home in here. And part of me will miss it.
I look to the side of the bed that's no longer occupied by Luke as if hardly looks slept in. He tucked his side of the bed in and left nothing behind. I imagine he didn't sleep much as he was kept up by the thought of leading hundreds of soldiers into battle and knowing people are going to be dropping by the minute no matter what he does.
Hell, I'd imagine I wouldn't be able to sleep.
I don't have a moment to dwell on it further before there's a knock at my door, grabbing my attention as a part of me hopes it's Luke deciding to come back and wait for me. However, I'm proven to be wrong as I hear Ashton's voice.
"You decent?"
Springing from the bed, I move towards my change of clothes I had left out for today before attempting to rip off my pajamas I'm currently in so Ashton doesn't relay the message that I've not moved an inch.
"One sec!" I call back.
I throw on the leggings and tank top, followed by putting my hair in a bun while practically tripping over my own feet in the process. To be fair, I have no idea why I need to be ready in ten minutes when we don't need to leave for another thirty. If I didn't wake up to Luke, would he have allowed me to sleep in a bit longer?
"Alright, I'm good!" I call out, eyeing myself quickly in the mirror before rushing to the bed in order to make it complete.
Ashton doesn't hesitate to come in, stepping into the room while seeming entirely ready to head out as he's dressed and ready to go. I don't doubt that he was up early as well, preparing for the day that we've all secretly been dreading.
Ashton pauses in my room, clearly not in as much of a rush to get me out as Luke was.
"You sleep okay last night?" he asks me, stopping by the side of my bed.
"As well as I could," I say truthfully, knowing I was up a little later than hoped but also knowing I did eventually fall asleep. I have no idea what time that ended up being but I'm lucky I was able to catch some sleep.
He nods his head.
"How about you?" I ask, standing up straight after finishing making my bed.
Ashton shrugs, taking a seat on the corner of the bed which catches me by surprise.
"As well as I could."
I shoot him a sympathetic smile, knowing that probably means he got little to no sleep. For that, I walk towards where he sits on the bed, taking a spot beside him and allowing silence to envelop us. It's obvious Ashton didn't come in here to rush me out so I choose to relish in this moment.
Neither of us say anything, both wrapped up in our own thoughts while processing what's to come. The second we get on that plane is the second we accept what's to come. It's as if staying here a bit longer makes that reality seem much further away than it is.
"How you feeling?" he asks me.
"How should I be feeling?"
Ashton lets out a deep breath, "Terrified."
I shoot him a look, not knowing if that's what I want to hear. Sure, that's the realistic answer but a part of me just wishes he bullshitted me and he told me I should be feeling great.
Immediately, he follows, "Because I know that's how you feel and I don't want you to feel wrong for feeling that way. You should be terrified, any normal person would be."
I don't say anything, knowing he's been in many situations like this as he's been to war before. He knows what these feelings are like and how to get through them. Maybe he has advice that can help this sickly feeling disappear.
"If it makes you feel better, I'm terrified too," he says, turning his head so his hazel eyes meet my own.
I stare into his familiar eyes, seeing the fear in his that he's much better at hiding than I am. At the end of the day though, I know Ashton like the back of my hand and I know fear in his eyes when he sees it.
"It never gets easier," he says to me, shaking his head slightly. "It's a terrifying thought knowing what you're walking into and especially when it's something you've never come close to experiencing."
I don't say anything, allowing him to speak in hopes that something he says will make me feel better.
His hand reaches towards me, placing itself on my thigh while continuing to hold my gaze. I don't react, instead, continuing to pay him my full attention as my heart races in anticipation.
"But you've got me out there, Lila. And I swear to you I will do whatever it takes to make sure you make it out alive."
His words are deep and dark as if threatening the unknown, daring it to try and take me out. He's promising with his tone that no matter what gets in my way, he will take it down. For that, I can't help but hand part of my trust to him.
"I don't want you to worry about not making it out alive because I swear to you, you will make it out of there," he says, his tone lowering as if fearful of being too loud. "Just worry about staying safe and keeping yourself in the right state of mind. People can go crazy out there in fear."
I want to tell him he can't promise me that I'll make it out alive. I want to tell him that it's not that simple. But the look he's giving me, I know he's solemnly convinced himself that he's capable of keeping me alive.
"I want you to worry for yourself, Ash-"
"Not if you're out there," he says, shaking his head in immediate denial. "You're everything to me and I can't make it out of there without you."
I shut my mouth once more.
"And I know you don't want to hear it but fuck, I'm so in love with you, Lila," he says, his words almost sounding angry as if he hates having to say this out loud. "I'm in love with your laugh, your eyes, your smile, your kindness, your heart, your devotion, your-"
"Ash..." I say, knowing this isn't the best idea.
"I've held this back my whole life in fear of what would happen if I admitted it and really only hurt myself by doing that," he says, shaking his head as he looks down at his lap. "But I'm not going another day without making sure you know just how in love I am with every single piece of you."
I swallow back, not knowing what to say as I obviously knew Ashton had strong feelings for me. It's hard for me to hear this because I hate knowing I can't give him what he wants. I want to be able to tell him the same, especially because at a point I could've.
"I love you and I'll die before I let someone take you away from this earth."
His words are sincere and they terrify me. I want to tell him not to say that because I'd never want him to die for me. Then again, I let myself believe that he's caught up in this moment. We're about to get into the final round and I don't doubt he wants me to be as reassured as possible. For that, I'm thankful.
Not knowing what to say, I decide to just pull him in for a hug, wanting to hug my best friend and be held by him for a moment or two. I need it more than anything and part of me tells me he needs it too. I close my eyes, taking in the familiar scent of him while listening to the sound of silence.
"Love you," I say to him, wanting him to know I do love him. I always have and I always will.
I hear the smallest of sighs leaving his lips, clearly not hearing what he wanted to hear. Maybe he thought there was a small glimmer of hope left that I could be in love with him too. Maybe he thought that in this sensitive state of mine, I'd be more willing to accept things that I haven't noticed before.
However, unfortunately, he's not my person.
We hold onto each other for dear life, knowing what's waiting for us the second we let go. I relish in this moment of peace as the only thing that's waiting for us is a plane preparing to ship us off to our worst nightmare. Luckily, nothing beyond these immediate four walls can harm us.
So as the sirens signal, alarming us that it's time to make our way to the planes, Ashton and I's arms drop from one another. We both look to one another, knowing what this means as our moment is over and it's time to sacrifice ourselves to our horrid reality.
All these months of hell and torture and pain have led us up to this moment. The moment we've only dreamt of in our worst of nightmares. The moment where we're more likely to die than we are to live.
The final round.