Chapter 49
For the rest of the week, I had football practice every night, so that saved me from the advances of my a little too enthusiastic girlfriend.
If I was being entirely honest, I enjoyed her constant pestering, as much as it made me suffer. Hadn't I already admitted this to myself, that I must have issues because I enjoyed having Lexi manhandle me? This was just another form of manhandling. A much more painful one. It kind of suck to keep rejecting your very willing girlfriend's advances just because you had trauma to deal with.
But this was all part of getting better. I knew this. Things couldn't instantly get better in my head just because I really wanted them to.
It was such a strange feeling to have. Because I knew I wanted Lexi. But I also heard a little voice in the back of my head any time something serious between us happened.
I'd been starting to be honest with Lexi about how I was feeling, but I felt like... I needed to be even more honest. With her. With myself.
But that honesty was something scary. Because it was facing these old demons again. Demons, I didn't even know had been creeping around my head, making everything bleaker.
I didn't want to give Lexi the burden of carrying them with me. But I also knew that I needed to open up to her more if I wanted to be able to move past whatever was going on in my head. And she deserved to know what was plaguing my mind.
Medication couldn't magically fix everything that was wrong with me. I still had a lot of work to do.
I met Doctor Boseman on Thursday, after practice.
I was actually in a good mood, walking into his office.
We exchanged the usual greeting pleasantries and then he hit me with, "What are you proud of yourself for doing lately?"
I chuckled, and pointed out, "that's kind of a random thing to start off with."
He grinned back. "I feel like we've talked a lot about how you felt regarding the more negative aspects of your life lately, so I think it would be good to go into the more positive things today."
I nodded. "Makes sense," but then I shrugged, kind of feeling on the spot. "I don't know. I'm proud that I haven't been slacking off with football practice?" I offered.
Football had been all I thought about this week, so it was the first thing that came to my mind.
What was I proud of? It was a weird question.
"Anything else?" Doctor Boseman asked.
I shrugged again. "I don't know."
"Any simple little thing is good. There is no wrong answer. I just want you to be able to notice all the progress you've made."
I frowned, thinking about it. "I'm proud that I've started to open up with Lexi. I'm proud that I've been able to communicate with her, and that I want to keep doing it."
"That's great. Little by little, you can keep on sharing what's on your mind. Anything else?" he asked, looking at me.
"I'm proud that I've been honest with my parents."
"Anything that's not related to other people. Anything that's just you?"
"I'm proud that I haven't stopped my medication. And that I still want to go to therapy and still want to get better."
"These are very good things."
"It feels kind of stupid to say though. They're not extraordinary things."
"That's the issue. Things don't always need to be grand. You don't need great goals. Little ones are good enough. And you don't need to have built a rocket ship or cure cancer. Accomplishing little things is good too."
"I guess. It just feels like telling a kid their drawing are good when it looks like nothing."
"But you shouldn't compare the kid's drawings to adult drawings. You need to compare them fairly. A kid shouldn't draw like Da Vinci. That's not a fair comparison. And I don't want you to suddenly overcome all your troubles and change the world. I want you to be good to yourself."
"By being proud of myself?"
"By building your self esteem. It'll help when you start to get into your head, and start hating yourself. If you've built some self esteem along the way, the lows aren't going to be as low because you'll be able to acknowledge that you've done good things, even if you do some bad things sometimes. So, every time you brush your teeth and you look at yourself in the mirror, I want you to think about one thing you did right. Even if it's the same thing sometimes, that's okay. Repeating good things will also help. And the more you'll do it, the more you'll be able to see that there's often more good than bad. It can be silly things like making your bed, cleaning up your room, doing your homework, having a meaningful conversation with someone. Really anything that you do that you know is good, I want you to tell yourself you're doing good."
"You know, people have been telling me I had a bit of an inflated ego before."
Doctor Boseman looked at me, his head tilted a bit. "Are you sure? Do you think you have a big ego?"
Usually, it might have taken me more time to admit this, but now, I said it easily. "No, I think I hated myself a lot."
"So, when you were playing the confident guys? What was that?"
I sighed. "That wasn't a big ego. It was the equivalent of telling self deprecating jokes about myself, because... well I never believed whatever I said about yourself if it was positive."
Doctor Boseman smiled at me. "See, soon you won't even need me."
I smiled back. "I think the guidance is good."
"But I want you to acknowledge that you already have all the answers inside of you. You just need a little nudge sometimes. It's okay to ask for help. It's good to ask for help."
We talked more. I laughed a few times, and Doctor Boseman laughed too. I actually felt good walking out of his office.
I knew all my session weren't going to go like this, but it was nice to come out of there in a great mood.
I drove home while listening to OK Go's album, enjoying the music.
Lexi called me as soon as I got home.
"How was therapy?" she asked me, as I let myself fall on my couch in my room.
I let out a relieved breath. "It was good. We mostly just talk about good things. It was a nice change. We've been focusing on the bad stuff a lot lately. So, this was a more mellow session."
"That's good. You shouldn't come out of there traumatized each time."
I wouldn't disagree with that. "It is also good to deal with my issues," I pointed out.
"It is."
"The more we talk about it, the easier it will get. Hopefully."
"You know you can talk to me too, right," my Pumpkin said in a little voice.
I smiled. "I know."
"I'm not saying you don't," she quickly replied, like she was worried I was reading into things, making me chuckle. "I just want you to know you're not alone and you can call me anytime and tell me anything. I'll be there."
"And you know I'd do the same for you, right?"
"We're talking about you now," she replied, her voice slightly reprimanding, keeping the smile on my face.
"We talk a lot about me. We should talk more about you," I said, feeling suddenly resolute.
"We don't need to talk about me."
I shook my head, even if she couldn't see me. "I think we should always talk about you. Because you're wonderful."
Lexi snorted. "Well, thanks."
"How are you? I mean, really, how are you? Not the whole having a wonderful boyfriend thing. The rest. The other stuff," I asked softly.
I listened to my Pumpkin's breathing on the other side of the line, like she was taking time to collect her thoughts. "Here's the thing. I know you joke about it a lot, but it's kind of true. I am easily distracted. So, when I have something nice and shiny in front of me, like my hot boyfriend's chest, it's hard to think about anything else really. It's all I see, it's all I think about."
I let out a choked laugh. "My chest is all you think about?"
"All the time. Twenty-four seven. Blank head, just chest."
I shouldn't be surprised. "Super healthy."
"Thanks. But yeah... It's kind of easy for me to... block out all the rest, when I have a good enough distraction. I don't think about the bad stuff. The sad stuff."
She was trying to not talk about it now. Obviously. "No news from your mother?"
Lexi was silent for a second, and then admitted. "She texted me happy birthday."
"You didn't tell me."
"I wasn't sure how to deal with it," she said in a small voice.
"That's fine. Some things need to be dealt on our own," I replied, reassuring her.
"I'm still so angry at her. And I miss her. And I don't understand why dad wasn't enough for her anymore. Why we weren't enough for her. I keep feeling like I wasn't enough. I kind of always feel like I'm not enough."
"You're more than enough Lexi," I told her softly, heaviness in my heart.
"You say it, but sometimes, I don't... really believe it."
I had always put Lexi on such a pedestal that it was wild to me to have her believe she wasn't as extraordinary as I saw her. But I didn't control her own self worth. I knew this first hand.
"It's okay. You can feel how you want to feel. I'll just work harder at making you believe me when I say you're more than enough," I told her.
"You know what would help with that?"
"What?"
"If we were having this conversation together and naked."
I burst into laughter. "I walked right into that one."
Lexi laughed too. "You did. I'm not proud."
"I guess I'll have to make up for this disappointment," I replied, my voice teasing.
"How?" Lexi asked.
I didn't reply. Just chuckled.
My girlfriend was not as amused. "How? How!"
I just laughed more.
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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! <3
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. We hadn't seen Doctor Boseman in a little while, so I felt like this was a good time to bring him back. Blake is going to need more tool in his arsenal if he wants to get better, psychologically, so the sessions with Doctor Boseman now are mostly going to be that. Giving Blake tools to deal with future low moments. So yeah. I hope you liked it! :D
I am back home now. I go back to work tomorrow. :') I wish I could stay home for another few days. XD But unfortunately, I need money. What a sad sad fact. I'm usually off on Mondays too, but I'm going to have to work for the month of June cuz my boss is on vacation now. Sad, sad, sad.
So. I shall go to sleep now.
Thank you so much for reading this week's chapter! I love you guys! See you all next week! :D