"Chenle!" Jaemin pushed a hand against his chest to shove him away from the crying boy.
Donghyuck pressed his palms into his eyes as let out pathetic noises.
It hurts.
"What did I do?" Chenle tilted his head before the space between his brows had a divot in worry.
"Hyuckie?" Jaemin laid a hand on his shoulder but it caused them to shake even more.
"Chenle...maybe we should go," Jisung said gently.
Chenle looked down sadly before scooting forward again until he was kneeling infront of Donghyuck.
"Chenle, I don't think you should-" Renjun tried to pull him away.
"I'm sorry, hyung," Chenle's lower lip popped out subconsciously. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what I did. Please, don't be upset."
Donghyuck didn't look like he even heard Chenle from where he was crying with his knees pulled up to his chest.
"I'm sorry," Chenle's own chin wobbled. "I'm gonna go now."
Before Chenle could turn around, Donghyuck lunged forward and wrapped his arms around the blonde boy. His face pressing into his shoulder as he kept crying.
"I-i'm s-sorry!" Donghyuck cried out. "I can't-I-"
He tried to speak but he could barely breathe.
"Breathe," Renjun whispered as Jaemin gently ran a hand up and down Donghyuck's back.
"I don't- I don't want to hurt you," Donghyuck whimpered as he almost choked on air. "But I don't- I don't know what-"
"Okay, wait," Chenle slowly pulled back and made Donghyuck sit back on his butt.
He took Donghyuck's hands in his own and peered down into his drowning eyes.
"You need to relax," Chenle squeezed his hands. "I don't know what you are trying to say if you are crying."
Donghyuck tried to calm down but every couple of seconds his lungs would stutter again.
"Hyung, what's your favorite color?" Chenle smiled at him.
"Chenle...what the fuck are you-" Renjun tried to cut in.
"Shut it," Chenle snapped at him before turning back to the brunette. "Look at me."
"R-red," Donghyuck hiccuped. "I-it's red."
"Mine is yellow," Chenle ran his thumb over his knuckles. "What's your favorite season?"
"Summer," Donghyuck sniffled.
"Why?" Chenle asked.
"It's warm," Donghyuck's breathing started to slow down.
"What's something you've always wanted?" Chenle pulled one of his hands away.
"I-i don't know-" Donghyuck was taken back by the question.
"Something small," Chenle explained. "Name a little thing you always wanted."
"I..." Donghyuck tried to search his brain. "I always wanted to try ice cream."
"...you've never had ice cream?" Jisung's mouth dropped in disbelief but he soon closed it when Jaemin slapped his shoulder.
"There you go," Chenle pulled away and leaned back. "Do you feel better?"
Donghyuck shrugged his shoulders and cast his eyes low.
"What were you trying to say?" Chenle kept his hands on Donghyuck's upper arms.
"Nothing," Donghyuck titled his head back and closed his eyes. "It's nothing. M'sorry."
"It's not nothing," Jisung frowned. "Something is clearly bothering you. I don't know what's the matter but you can trust us, y'know."
"I can't," Donghyuck snapped before looking down and letting his hair cover his eyes. "You don't understand."
Fingers touched his palm and he subconsciously clamped onto them.
"Then why don't you explain it?" Renjun said on his left. "We can't help you if you don't let us."
"I don't want your help. I just-" Donghyuck loosened the grip on the hand he was holding but the hand held on just as tightly.
"Let go," Donghyuck wiggled his fingers but the hand wouldn't dissappear.
"No," Jaemin whispered to him. "Not until you say what's the matter."
Donghyuck shook his head and kept trying to release his hand.
"Hyung, we don't want to pressure you," Chenle started. "But it's important to us that you start getting better, physically and mentally."
"I'm fine-" Donghyuck grumbled as he tried to pull his sweaty palm away from Jaemin's death grip.
"No you're not!" Renjun butt in. "Last night you were about to lose your mind over what Mark said-"
"And you only talk to us when nobody else is around!" Jaemin puffed his cheeks out as he tried to keep his hand clasped around Donghyuck's. "At the house you're a big ball of sunshine and then at school you never want to meet up with us!"
"Stop it-" Donghyuck tried pulling Jaemin's hand off with his other hand but the other kept tight.
"Did we do something wrong?" Chenle frowned. "I thought we were treating you nicely...we want you to like us just as much as we like you-"
"How are you ever going to be happy if you don't let yourself feel happy?-" Jisung had a divot between his brows.
Donghyuck clamped down onto Jaemin's hand.
"I WANT TO KEEP YOU, OKAY?" Donghyuck shouted with his entire chest.
Before anyone could say anything, Donghyuck started spewing out words.
"I want to be happy! I want to have all of you as my friends because I like you. I want to keep you in my life so bad. I want Taeyong, Ten, Johnny and Yuta to be my parental figures instead of the shitty ones I ended up with. I want to go to college and become a teacher to little kids so that I can influence them better than the teachers I had. One day I want to marry a man and get a cute apartment with only one dog, one cat and a fish named Peter. I want to be happy and live the life I want but I can't! I can't okay! Because if I do that then I will hurt you. People will hate you for even associating with me and I refuse to be the reason you all get hurt. I am done hurting people I care about. I can't let myself feel happy because that means I rip away your happiness and I won't let that happen!"
Donghyuck's chest was heaving up and down as he finished.
The rain cloud in his head finally pouring down.
He felt cold when Jaemin's hand finally slipped out of his.
He didn't expect to feel a wetness seeping through his shirt.
"T-that's not fair," Jaemin's voice trembled as he shook his head and pressed his face into Donghyuck's shoulder. "It...it's not fair for you to decide how we feel. I love you. I want you to be happy-"
Jaemin let out a muffled cry as he looped his arms around one of Donghyuck's.
"I'm glad you told us the truth," Chenle's tear filled eyes met his own. "It's okay that you feel this way but-"
"No it's not," Jisung cut in his voice and face void of any emotion.
"Jisung, you can't-" Renjun tried to keep his own voice stable.
"It's not okay that you feel like that," Jisung's eyes were completely dry. "You keep all this stuff to yourself and make decisions on our behalf without asking us. That's not okay."
You're traumatized, sweetheart. It explains your behavior but it doesn't excuse it.
Taeyong's words echoed in his skull.
"Jisung-" Chenle tried to turn and reach out to his boyfriend but the taller pulled away and kept his eyes on Donghyuck.
"I'm going to tell you the truth. Exactly how everything is and how it is going to be," Jisung straightened up. "We like having you around. We like having you as our friend. Nobody's opinion is going to change that."
"You don't get to decide what you think is best for us," Jisung continued. "You don't get to carry the burden of others anymore. We all have our fair share of bad shit but no matter what we are here for each other. You don't think people glared at us when Jeno left the baseball team to join basketball? When Jaemin came out as gay? When Chenle and I started dating? When Mark started talking to you?"
"It doesn't matter," Jisung's jaw tightened. "None of it matters because at the end of the day we have each other and that's enough. You don't have to carry so much on your own. I don't know what you're even fighting for but you don't have to fight alone anymore."
Silence washed over all of them minus some of Jaemin's sniffles.
Donghyuck felt something in his chest flip.
His lower lip wanted to shake but he got a grip on himself.
I don't want to cry anymore.
Jisung seemed to be taking his own deep breaths before seeming like he wanted to say something else.
"..can...can we get ice cream together sometime...Jisung-ah?" Donghyuck was still shaking but it was like a hammer finally busted down the walls in his chest.
Donghyuck felt like he was having a heart attack when a smile spread across Jisung's face.
A wet laugh ripped out of Renjun's lungs.
Chenle surged forward to hug and kiss his boyfriend.
Jaemin nuzzled his face further into Donghyuck's neck but he could feel a faint smile pressed against his skin.
His whole being filled with a feeling he's never felt before.
They want him.