n// just a little tw this chapter has heavy mentions of infertility and the emotional struggles that come with it so if that is a sensitive topic i would advise u sit this one out <3 but just like general warning this chapter is just a little bit heavier over all very emotional y'all but i love u all smmmmmm and hope that u enjoy this long ass chapter!!
"Do I even want to know what you were up to while I was sleeping?" Sybil asked in the car on the way to the family meeting.
Her husband was quiet at her question, but Billie didn't miss the quick clenching of his jaw as she asked it. She knew he'd done something bad — it was written all over his face. She was his wife, after all; she knew him better than anyone.
"Tommy?" she asked again. "What's going on?"
"I don't know, Sybbie." he spoke lowly, pulling up to the building. "But when I find out, I'll tell you."
"Thank you," she breathed out. "Now come on, we're late."
Tommy said nothing more about the matter, getting out of the car and helping his wife out on the other side. He may have just killed an otherwise innocent man, but right now, he wasn't a killer. He was a husband, and the head of the family who was late to his own meeting.
Placing his hand on the small of Sybil's back, he guided her through the entryway, taking her coat as he always did. And much to his surprise, it seemed as if the meeting had already started without them.
"...We haven't even stepped foot in London yet, and they've already blown up our fucking pub." John was saying, sounding just as exasperated as Sybil had heard him earlier.
"Who said anything about Cockneys?" Arthur grumbled in reply.
"Who else?" Esme chimed in from the staircase.
"You know who did it, do you?" Polly asked.
Realizing the error of his wife's ways, John was quick to chime in.
"No, she doesn't know who did it."
It was then when Thomas and Sybil decided to make their presence known, somehow commanding the room by just stepping foot in it.
"I'm told only family are allowed to speak." Esme spoke again, still looking down at her book.
"Everyone's allowed to speak," Tommy announced. "On your feet, Esme. Let's hear what you have to say."
"I speak for our household," John said proudly. "So, could—"
"He said Esme." Sybil cut in, staring at her brother in law.
Quite frankly, Billie was starting to become more and more aggravated by his attitude that he had been taking on with all the women lately, and took immense pleasure in shutting it down.
Seeing his brother about to reply, Tommy got a word in before he could.
"Sybil's right, John. This company is a modern enterprise and believes in equal rights for women. On your feet, Esme."
Putting down her book, Esme timidly did as she was told, and took a moment before addressing the room.
"I'm not a blood member of this family, but perhaps indeed because I'm not a member, I can see things in a different light. So I'll get to my point."
"That would be nice." Polly muttered.
"As my husband was saying, Shelby Company Limited is now very successful. But London... I have kin in Shepherd's Bush and Portobello. It's more like wars between armies down there. And the coppers fight side by side with them. And there are foreigners of every description. And the use of bombs is the least of it. I have a child. Blessed with the Shelby family good looks. I know you can't fall pregnant, Sybil, but maybe you can understand; I want John to see him grow up."
Sybil felt her heart plummet with Esme's words, and Tommy felt it right along with her. He knew better than anyone how badly she wanted a child, and it killed him that he couldn't do anything about it, despite how confident he was that they would one day have one. He hated seeing his wife in such a state, and having the reminder that she wasn't conceiving thrown in her face in front of the whole family... He could have killed Esme where she stood.
"I want us to someday live somewhere with fresh air and trees, and keep chickens or something." Esme continued, none the wiser to her in-laws' feelings. "But London is just smoke and trouble, Thomas."
"'Thomas'?" Billie asked, even more offended than before, if that was even possible.
"That's all I have to say." Esme concluded.
"That was a lot of words." Arthur replied, reaching forward and passing his brother a glass. "Wash them down with a nice drink."
"Thank you, Esme." Tommy spoke, regaining his composure by downing the drink. "Firstly, the bang in the pub had nothing to do with London, understood? The bang is something that I'm dealing with on my own. Secondly, we have nothing to fear from the proposed business expansion so long as we stick together. After the first few weeks, nine-tenths of what we do in London will be legal, and the other tenth is in good hands. Isn't that right, Arthur?"
"That's right."
"Some of you in this room have expressed your reservations. Fair enough. Any of you who want no part in the future of this company, walk out that door. Right now. Go and raise your chickens. For those of you with ambition, the expansion process begins tomorrow."
Sybil and Polly shared a look of surprise at this new revelation, as Tommy put out his cigarette, effectively ending the family meeting.
"Oh, and Esme," he called out, regaining everyone's attention. "Never speak of my wife's fertility again, do you understand?"
The room now had a tense air to it, and without being able to control it, Sybil felt her eyes prick with the familiar sting of tears. Seeing this, Tommy was quick to take her hand, and lead them out of the room without another word.
"How dare she," Billie hissed, finally letting her bitter tears fall as soon as she and her husband were out of earshot. "She had no right..."
"I know, Sybbie," he murmured, bringing her into his chest for a hug. "I know."
"Does she think I don't know that I can't have a fucking baby? Does she think that just because I can't be a mother means that I can't have sympathy for why she doesn't want her husband in danger?" Sybil ranted, looking up at her husband. "She wouldn't last a fucking day in my shoes. Going on about how she's worried about John's safety, meanwhile he's in the fucking betting shoppe talking my ear off while my husband — my bloody husband — fights tooth and nail every day for this family! She has no fucking right!"
"Sybbie, Sybbie, calm down, love—"
"Don't you fucking tell me to calm down, Thomas." Sybil seethed. "Not when she gets to go home to a house full of happy and healthy babies, and I get to go home to an empty fucking house. You don't know how embarrassing it is to be the only woman in Birmingham without a baby on her hip. How humiliating it is that I can't provide my husband, who has given everything for his family, with a child. And... And..."
Tommy watched as her expression changed from unwavering anger to complete and total sadness in the blink of an eye, and it shattered everything he had in him.
"I want a baby, Thomas. Why can't I have a baby?" Sybil asked in a meek voice, tears pooling in her dark brown eyes once more. "Am I not good enough? Is this what I get for killing that man? Is this God punishing me for what I've done?"
"Sybil," Tommy said sternly, taking her by the shoulders and bending down to her height. "Enough of that, eh? Fucking enough of that. I never want to hear this talk of you being punished by God again, do you understand me?"
"What else could it be, Tommy?" Sybil sobbed. "I stabbed that man. I watched him die. I took his life, Tommy, and now God is getting me back for it—"
"Enough!" Tommy raised his voice, shocking his wife into silence.
In the two years of their marriage, this was the first time he had ever done such a thing.
"Enough, Sybil, please." he panted lightly, bending down so that they were at eye level again. "You, Sybil Shelby, are not being punished. You are not under attack. You are not unworthy of motherhood. I know it's hard, and I know that no words will soothe what you're feeling, and I'm sorry. I am so fucking sorry. But don't ever, even for a second, think you are anything less than anyone else because you're not up the fucking duff."
Taking his wife's face in his hands, he leaned in even closer for his next words.
"You're a blessing, Sybbie. The closest thing Small Heath has to an angel. The light of my life. Everything I've done, everything I will do, it's for you. All of this — every last piece of it — is for you. I wouldn't give a fuck if you couldn't have children, Sybbie, because at the end of the day, as long as I have you, I'm the happiest man in the world. You, Sybil, are all I need."
Sybil let out another soft sob at his words, wondering what she did to deserve such a husband.
"But I've had a vision," he reminded in a whisper, looking at her with wide, wild eyes. "When the time is right, you'll fall pregnant with a son. A beautiful baby boy, Sybbie. We'll have a baby boy. He'll be born in the Spring, and he'll have your wild hair but with my eyes. In the vision, you whisper his name in his ear, but I can't hear it. But when you say it... he smiles."
Tommy took a moment and seemed to ruminate on his vision, before smiling.
"Yeah. He smiles. He will be ours, and he will be perfect. So don't fucking worry about what anyone else — kin or not — has to say about this shit. Our time will come, my darling girl. It will come."
"H-How can you be so sure?" she sputtered out, clutching his coat like it was a lifeline.
"You've had faith in much less, Sybil."
Sybil couldn't argue with that, and she knew it. Her husband was many things in that moment, but above all else, he was sincere. He was telling her the complete truth, and it brought a sense of peace over her. He was right; their time would come, and only when it was ready.
"I can't wait to meet him, Tommy," she whispered, letting the last of her tears fall. "It sounds like heaven."
"It's the closest I'll ever get," Tommy replied, pressing a kiss to her swollen lips. "Now enough of these tears, eh? Breaking my bleeding heart here, Sybbie."
Sybil let out a quiet laugh before nodding, allowing her husband to wipe away her tears and bring her into his embrace once more.
"I love you, Sybil." he spoke quietly into her ear. "I'm sorry about all the disappearing, all the secrets. Just remember what I said earlier, yeah? It's all for you, and to keep you safe."
"I know," Billie replied, matching his volume. "I love you more than it all."
The two stayed quiet for a moment, relishing in the moment of intimacy that they shared, before it was interrupted by the Shelby matriarch clearing her throat.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm afraid I need to have a word with Tommy, love." Polly said, her tone clipped as she looked at her nephew.
If Tommy were a man of less discipline, he would have rolled his eyes. But, he refrained, and instead kept his hand on the small of his wife's back as she collected herself.
"Anything you have to say to me, Polly, you can say in front of my wife."
"Oh, it's so charming that you think I didn't already know that, Thomas." she smiled sarcastically, taking out her keys and unlocking the cell they kept the safe in. "Tomorrow? Really, Thomas? I'm the company treasurer, you should speak to me first."
Tommy said nothing as he ushered his wife into the cell, walking over to the safe as his aunt ranted and began putting in the code.
"It's Newmarket tomorrow. Third busiest day of the year."
"I have eighteen staff." Tommy grumbled back.
"Who you trust with two hundred quid takings?" she asked, watching as the safe failed to open. "Oh, I changed the combination."
Sighing deeply, Tommy leaned up against the metal and rested his head in his arms, exhausted by the day already.
"So, what's going on, Thomas?" Polly pressed. "Who'd you meet at the Black Lion?"
Sybil would be a liar if she said that her interest wasn't piqued at the question. She'd been dying to know the very same thing all day.
"Give me the combination, Polly."
When he was met with nothing more than the scribbling of pen on paper, he walked over to her desk and put his hands on it.
"Polly. Give me the combination."
More silence.
At this point, Sybil didn't know who she was more anxious for, Polly, or Tommy. Either way, she knew that the information was going to come out one way or another.
"What happened to the pub is Irish business." Tommy finally relented. "Now, as I've told Sybbie earlier, we're in a situation where, for everyone's safety, it's best if some things remain undisclosed."
"So why tomorrow?" Polly asked, putting her pen down.
"Like you said, tomorrow is Newmarket. All the London bosses will be at the races."
"So you just... roll up and take the city?" Billie asked from the corner with a furrowed brow.
"No, darling. No. We take the opportunity to show our hand." he began, turning his attention to his wife once more. "The Italian gangs and the Jewish gangs have been at war in London for six months."
"It's not our war." Polly pointed out.
"The Jews have been having the worst of it." Tommy continued. "They need allies."
"Yeah, but we don't."
"We need a foothold at the southern end of the Grand Union. The Jews control Camden Town."
Within an instant, everything fell into place for Polly Gray and Sybil Shelby. Tommy's mind never ceased to amaze them when it came to matters of strategy.
"Your mother said, 'It's his cleverness that'll kill him.'"
"No one gets killed, Polly." Tommy reassured. "We go down tomorrow when it's quiet and we leave our message. If Alfie Solomons and his Camden boys come to us, we'll negotiate the use of a secure bonded warehouse, and then our legal activities in London can begin. Now please, open the fucking safe."
There was a beat before Polly got up and finally did as she was asked, but she didn't relent without giving her two cents.
"Do you know it was a fine speech you made in there, about this company believing in equal rights for women. But when it comes to it, you don't listen to a word we say. Maybe you don't trust us. Hell, I don't blame you after the barmaid. But it's time that you forgot about her."
At the mention of Grace, a shiver went down Sybil's spine.
"Forgot about who?" Tommy asked, looking at his aunt. "I spend no time thinking about her. I spend my time thinking about my wife, Polly. And I listen to my fucking wife. All words that came from Esme's mouth were voided after what she said about Sybil, and you know it."
Polly sighed and glanced at her niece, her heart breaking at the sight of Sybil's red-rimmed eyes and swollen lips. Sending her a reassuring gaze, she turned back around and finally unlocked the safe for her nephew.
"Fine. But you and the boys better not get yourselves killed."
Ignoring her comment, Tommy grabbed what he needed, pretended to be just busy enough until Polly and Sybil were done with their hushed goodbyes, and then made his way towards the door, where his wife stood. Not being able to resist, he placed a kiss on her pouted lips and took her hand, leading her out without another word.
At last, the day was over, and they could finally go back home, where all would be calm before the storm that was waiting for them at the next sunrise. It was there, in their home, where Tommy dismissed his staff for the night, drew his wife a bath, and joined her in it, just like they used to do back when she was staying with him in his old dingy place.
Tommy closed his eyes and let the hot water engulf him, wrapping an arm around Billie's shoulders as she leaned her back against his chest.
"Tommy?" Sybil asked quietly, disrupting the stillness. "If I asked you were you went this afternoon, would you give me an honest answer?"
Tommy found himself repeating the same words he did the last time they were in this position, "Only if you wanted one."
And just as she was the last time, she was quiet for a moment, and Tommy didn't have to guess to know what was going on in that pretty little head of hers.
"I would like an answer, if that's alright."
He knew she would.
"I killed a man today, Sybil." he replied softly and with a sigh. "I killed a man, who did no wrong to me, for the sake of protecting my family. The people that I spoke to today... They're dangerous. Left me with no other choice."
Sybil was silent at his confession, which worried Tommy, though he would never show it. But after a short while, she spoke words that shook Tommy Shelby to his core.
"Thank you, Tommy." she whispered, turning around to face her husband directly. "I know that... That everything you do, all the blood you shed, that it's for us... So thank you. But I'm also sorry. I am so very sorry, my love."
Tommy let out a ragged breath as he grabbed her and held her as close as humanly possible, clenching his eyes shut as she ran her long nails through his short hair. He buried his face in her neck and stayed there, not even bothering to try to regain his composure. He was safe, here, with his wife. He was free to show his emotions without the fear of it being used against him. It was there, in her embrace, where he let go, shaking and letting out little gasps for air that he had held in for so long.
Tommy mourned many things in those few minutes.
He mourned the loss of his once dear friend, the loss of his pub, and the loss of the stability he had worked so hard to achieve for the sake of progress. He mourned the innocent man that he killed, and the innocent men that he would kill next. And lastly, he mourned for his wife; his beautiful, perfect wife, who could not yet bear the child she so desperately wanted.
And that very same woman held him through it all.
By the time he had finished, he lifted his head from her neck and stared into her own glassy eyes, blue to brown.
"I love you, Tom," she whispered to him, leaning her forehead against his.
Wrapping his arms even tighter around her waist, he exhaled the breath he didn't even realise he was holding.
"I love you, too, Sybbie." he replied. "More than it all."