I was in the room, laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. I left the candle lit next to my bed since sleep wasn't anywhere near me. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door breaking through my silence. I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did it anyway. Something told me that I had to. I opened the door to see Anthony standing there with a candle in his hand and a recognizable look in his eyes. "W-What are you doing here?" I asked not able to stop the shaking in my voice.
"I had to come see you." He stepped closer to me. His eyes burned into me. He stepped closer to me, putting his hand on my cheek. "I haven't been able to stop thinking of you since that night."
I grabbed his shirt, his face inches away from my own. "Then we'll make tonight a night to last a lifetime." His lips crashed onto mine. I opened my mouth, letting him explore my mouth with little interruption. I shut the door behind him, he set the candle on the desk next to us. With one hand around my waist, keeping me locked against him, he put the other in my hair. He turned us quick, pressing me against the door. I could feel him hard against my waist. I craved for him. Every part of him. Even the parts I haven't seen yet.
Before I knew it, I'm moving down onto the bed. Anthony hovered over me, looking down at my body as it reacted to him. Kiss by kiss, he discovered my body. He knew every sweet spot my body had. Moans escaped my mouth, my hands gripped my sheets—
I shot up in my bed, sweating through my night dress. I sat up in the dark room, letting my back rest against the cold headboard. I pushed the blankets off of me as an attempt to cool myself down. I knew I shouldn't have been having those thoughts. I tried to stop them. But it was harder here. It was harder being alone and knowing, if I wanted, I could find him again. But I can't.
I can't.
When morning came around, the idea of sitting for breakfast with Anthony in any civilized manner made me want to jump out of the two story bedroom to get away. I needed to run. I needed a good reason to skip breakfast and make a run for it. I needed to go visit Daphne! No one would question. I will say I made plans to have breakfast with Daphne and I am already running late. It was a good plan because no one seemed to question it. By no one, I mean Eloise because she's the one I told. Plus, I didn't give her enough time to question me before I walked out with Dorota.
It didn't take long to make it to the Hastings house. I knocked on the door praying she was here. I was brought to the drawing room to wait. It didn't take long for Daphne to come running in. I stood up from the sofa, courtesying. "Duchess."
Daphne laughed, running over to wrap her arms around me. I hugged her tight, letting out the first deep breath I had since I woke up this morning. "I missed you." Daphne said and I felt tears prick my eyes.
"I miss you too." Daphne pulled back, looking at me with glossy eyes. "Let's eat breakfast outside. It's an usually nice day."
Daphne rang for breakfast and we stepped outside, sitting at a table together. Tea was brought out first with biscuits while we waited for our breakfast. Daphne watched with with narrow eyes and I could see the wheels turning. I had to act fast or I was going to be wishing I ran off to park instead of eating at all. Daphne opened her mouth and quickly asked, "Where is Simon?"
Daphne pressed her lips together noticing my diversion. Then her face softened, "Huh, I was moving so fast to see you, I forgot to ask."
I held back a chuckle, picking up a biscuit. Simon stepped outside with a smile on his face. "Well, if it isn't my wife's first love." He mocked, walking over to place a kiss at the top of Daphne's head.
"I hope you aren't telling people that. It's going to hurt my reputation if people think I lost to you." I stated, making Daphne chuckle.
"I almost forgot how funny you were."
Daphne's jaw dropped for pointed exaggeration. "We shall not let that happen. You must stay with us."
"I could never do that to the Duke. I can't be in the way of you giving me babies to spoil." I smirked, drinking the rest of my tea.
"Something tells us that we are going to need a bigger house to all our unborn children's things." Simon gave us one last smile before saying, "You ladies have fun. I must get to work." Then he walked back into the house, leaving us with our tea and the breakfast that just arrived.
We filled our plates and as soon as I took my first bite, Daphne asked, "So, how did you get your mother to agree with another season in London?"
Being as it was only Daphne and I, I only cover my mouth with my hand before as I asked, "What happened to polite conversation?"
"We had it." She lightly shrugged.
I swallowed my food, taking a large drink of my tea finding the words harder to get out that I imagined. "I made her a promise." My voice came out lower than I intended.
"Oh, Charlotte," Her voice was soaked with pity. "Please tell me this is a deal you are prepared to make?" I struggled to answer and that seemed to be all she needed to know. "Charlotte!"
"I didn't even tell you what it was!"
"That's the problem. If you thought it was a smart deal, I would already know."
She was right. How do you tell someone you love that you signed away your future with no plan? What if I found no one I could spend my life with? Who would I end up with? "I gave her complete control," I said and Daphne just stared at me, waiting for me to continue. "I told her that if I do not find a husband this season, I will let her pick a husband for me without any interruptions from me."
Daphne's face, given her inability to hide what she was thinking, was filled with concern and worry. Concern on why I would do such a thing and concern as to what would happen if I failed. "Why would you do such a thing?" Daphne asked and I shrugged.
I shrugged! The question as to why I willing gave up power of my future and I shrugged!
"I wanted to come and..." My words got caught in my throat and my eyes started to burn with the feeling of hot tears. I'm an idiot.
Daphne reach across the table, putting her hand on mine. She gave me a loving squeeze before speaking again, "And?"
I took a deep breath in as to suck in every emotion I had. The way I learned to when I was little and my mom scold me for something. Crying made it worse. She saw crying as a weakness. She saw crying in front of someone worse that weakness. "I do wish to have children and, although, I probably would rather have a bastard than a horrid marriage, it would be unfair to the child."
Daphne nodded, understanding what I was saying. She may not have agreed with my choice, but she wasn't going to make me feel bad for it. "Then we will have to make this the season of a life time." Daphne game me a warm smile and, for a second, I let myself believe everything was going to be alright.
I love Daphne. How could I not? But I was always a little jealous of her. She lost her father when she was ten, and, although my father was alive, I had lost him too. Knowing your father can't be there because he's dead is a different type of pain against knowing your father chooses not to be there because he doesn't want to. But Daphne had Violet as a mother, and I just know, with all my being, my mother could never be her. Violet is supportive, loving, and despite what is expected, she would rather her children being happy in a marriage instead of forcing them into one they didn't want. That said, she also had sons. Sons made her stable and no matter happened they would all protect her. My mother has always been hard on me, but there was less stability in our future. I didn't agree with what she did, but I can't say I don't understand it in some ways.
Then she met Simon. They didn't fall in love in the traditional way, I knew that, but they had something. Something that Daphne knew could turn into something more. She had...the look and it wasn't long until he had the look. They didn't it know, I don't know if you ever do when you're in it. I wouldn't know. Yet, it's always been something I have wanted, craved, desired.
Something I was so willing to give up just to leave my home. What does that say about me? I'm scared to know.
It was just lunch when I made it back to the Bridgerton house. After spending so much time with Daphne, I just needed some quiet time to myself. So, I grabbed a book, Dorota, and sat in the garden. Dorota might have been a little confused as to why I needed her around while I was reading, but she was good at her job and knew when to not ask questions. She doesn't need to know what I did with Anthony in the garden, and I didn't need any reason to do it again. A voice brought me out of my reading and I looked up to see Benedict walking over to me with his hands clasped behind his back. I smiled at him. "Benedict, good to see you."
He nodded, "You as well," I shut my book as he sat down on the bench with me. "Sorry to interrupt."
I sighed, shaking my head. "No worries. She has ran towards a cliff going on four times now, and still hasn't figured out how to jump off it."
"I doubt that is the main goal of the story."
"It would be if it was up to me." Benedict chuckled and there was something that I was missing. I felt my eyes narrow. "What are you up to?"
Benedict looked over at me. "Why must I be up to something?"
"You are just as nosy as Collin. You are just more subtle about it."
Benedict put his hand on his chest. "You wound me."
No matter how ill-mannered it is, I didn't stop myself from rolling my eyes. "It's like you Bridgerton men forget how I well I know you."
"Not well enough."
"What does that mean?"
"It mean if you knew one of us Bridgerton men a little better you wouldn't have had to leave last season."
"What does that mean?"
Benedict smiled at me before saying, "Hello, Eloise."
I looked past him to see Eloise walking towards us. She looked as confused as I did. "One of these days I will know how you do that." Eloise told her bother before turning to look at me. "Are you two here alone?"
"Dorota is right over there," I pointed towards a bush and Dorota popped her out only for a second. "She likes to practice being invisible. Makes things easier back home."
Eloise looked in the direction of Dorota before looking back at me, "I will question you on that later." I looked down noticing that she was holding a letting in her hand. She noticed my gaze and nodded. "Daphne sent a message that you must go pick a new dress for the party tomorrow and I will be going with you. She also said she would be joining us tomorrow, which is rather interesting."
Benedict stood up from the bench. "I will take that as my queue. You ladies have fun."
I felt like he left to tell me something, but instead I was left feeling confused. "Have you ever had a conversation with someone who acts like they gave you so much information, but you leave knowing nothing?" I asked, looking over at Eloise.
She shrugged, "Why do you think I try so hard to know everything?"
There wasn't much I could argue about that. She wasn't going to know more than I did. So I just followed her through the house to grab out coats. It took more time for me to decide on what color dress I wanted than it did for us to actually make it to the dress shop. It was too many options. How is someone supposed to decided what to wear to save their future when there are so many options?! "All of these dresses are beautiful and you are telling me you can't pick one?" Eloise asked, having picked her dress out over fifteen minutes ago.
"The lilac, the deep blue, and pale green are all wonderful colors, but how am I supposed to choose just one? Let me try the deep blue again." I was taken out of the pale green dress and put back into the deep blue.
I don't know what Eloise and Dorota were whispering about, but I swear that I heard one of them say, 'That's why she tips well'. I don't know who said it, so I couldn't yell at them for it. I did, however, make a mental note to tip well.
I was in the deep blue dress looking at the whole mirror. It was pretty, but was it enough? Enough to get as many suitors as possible before I have to make my final choice. I sighed, "This could be it."
Eloise groaned from her chair. "We will take all three."
"I can't get all three."
Eloise stood up from her chair crossing her arms, "Because you ran out of money?"
I paused for a moment, pressing my lips together. I'm starting to question whether or not I wanted to be in the Bridgerton house any long. They kept winning conversations. "I will take all three." I finally gave in.
I couldn't eat dinner that night. I told everyone I was sick and I was sick. Sick with nerves from a decision that I can't seem to make. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. It's never this hard and yet, I am in the yard, just outside of the house, pacing. I can't remember the last time I paced because I got lectured when my mother caught me. No one wants to marry a girl that can't stand still. Yet, my feet keep moving. I need to pick a color. I will not eat, I will not sleep until I figure out what color I want to wear. "You missed dinner." I jumped, quickly turning around to see Anthony had join me outside. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, I didn't even hear him.
"Yes, I wasn't hungry." I lied...but he doesn't need to know that. I'm just going to pray he doesn't hear my stomach growling.
"Why are you pacing?" Anthony walked over, taking a seat on a near by bench.
I let out a deep breath. "You wouldn't understand."
"I don't try to understand the minds of women." Anthony murmured, and I crossed my arms looking to shoot a glare at him. He felt my glare because when he looked at me, he said, "I can try."
My face softened and my words came out in a slight whisper, "I can't pick a dress."
I didn't hear what he said under his breath, but I'm pretty sure that the word damn was involved.
I quickly shook my head, turning away from him, "I knew that you wouldn't understand. How could you?" My voice got low, just over a whisper. A part of me hoped he didn't hear me.
"Why can't you pick a dress? I've known you for a long time. Dresses have never been a trouble for you before."
"Lilac, deep blue, and pale green. I need one to find me a husband, and I can't choose." I turned around to see Anthony looking down with his lips pressed tightly together. I noticed that his body seemed to start shaking. Anger started to boil inside of me. "Are you laughing at me?" I asked through my teeth.
"I don't believe a future husband is going to care about the color of your dress." Anthony stood up from his bench, taking a step closer to me. He had a smile on his face like he wasn't even going to give me the decency to pretend to not be laughing. "Lilac. It'll be a good color on you." Then Anthony bowed his head before walking away from me...still laughing. Once he was gone, I let out a deep breath I didn't even know I was holding. He still had that affect on me. The affect that makes me hold my breath in order not to take in his scent. The scent that blocks my senses and makes me melt under his gaze.
That can't be good.