chapter thirty eight
{ unedited }
[ trigger warning ; panic attacks ]
CHRISTMAS CAME BY STEADILY BUT ROWAN FELT NOTHING OF THE SORT. Three days into the winter break, Rowan had never felt so lonely. In the past, the lead-up to Christmas was always hectic for the Rivera siblings. Cameron would wake Rowan up by jumping on her bed until she got up. She would make them breakfast and then they did a different thing each day for the entire week, two days before and three after. The first was always baking as well as their annual gingerbread house competition. The second was going to a Christmas market. On Christmas, they'd attempt to make a full roast meal which usually took up the entire day. The day after the beloved holiday, they'd have a Christmas movie marathon. The fourth day was game night which was more so Rowan watching Cameron play his Pokemon games. The fifth day was helping out at the local food bank and giving all their leftover baked goods, which was always a lot, to those who needed it more than they did.
That was the way it had always been since Grace left.
Until this year.
Rowan had done absolutely nothing this year, most of her days being wasted away in her bed. The only times she left her room were for food or the bathroom. She did, on some level, feel bad for Bob since he took her in when no one else would but she was not spending time with him. But Bob didn't push. He understood this would be a hard time for her so he made sure to give her space and keep the fridge stocked with food she could reheat for herself or ingredients so that she could cook.
Rowan always settled for the former.
It had also been a while since she has heard from Stevie and Abby. By a while, she meant four days. Not since that day she smoked. Rowan still didn't see the big deal with it but Stevie was holding a grudge for whatever reason and Abby, well Rowan wasn't sure. Rowan had tried to get a hold of the girl many many times but it wasn't working well for her.
Rowan wasn't sure what she could've done to annoy Abby but she chose to just leave it.
There was no point in forcing Abby's attention. Abby would talk to her whenever she wanted. So, on the second day of nothing, Rowan gave up. She kept her phone on vibrate and beside her at all times in case of a message, headphones plugged in and music blasting.
She hadn't had any luck yet.
So, Rowan was lonely.
She had been alone most of her life. It was something she loved, to be by herself. She didn't care that she had no one growing up because she was fine with how she was. She didn't care that she had no friends to talk to in and out of school, she didn't care that she was considered too mature for her age, and she certainly didn't care that all she had for company was her younger brother. Because Rowan was okay with that. She was content. She was alone but never lonely.
Not until now.
Some might think there's no difference between alone and lonely but Rowan would disagree. To be alone does not mean being doomed to loneliness. Sometimes, a person's best company is themselves. So why would being alone with such be so horrible? It wasn't. That's where people get confused. Because it is not being alone that is bad but the loneliness that comes from the discomfort of it. You could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel lonely. Because that is more than being alone. It is feeling alone. A small change but the biggest difference. Many people are alone at most points in their lives but it's the feeling alone that hurts. It's feeling like you have no one, feeling like there's no one you can depend on, feeling like there's no one who will understand because how could they? They've never gone through anything like it.
Feeling alone was one of the worst feelings in the world and Rowan was starting to feel alone.
She knew it wasn't true. Not really. She had people now. There was Abby though she was not replying to a single message or answering a call right now. There was Stevie though they were annoyed at Rowan currently. There was Marcus whose phone was likely turned off because none of the messages she sent had gone through. So she wasn't technically alone but that didn't stop her mind from making her feel like she was. It didn't help that she was wallowing in her pain, thoughts and self with no contact from anyone.
Rowan may not be alone but she had never felt more lonely in her life.
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Sometimes, Rowan hated still being a kid. These were one of those times. Still being a teen, adults could make decisions for her and the decision she was forced into today, none other than Christmas day itself?
Spending it with Grace and her family in Boston.
Let's rewind a second. Two hours earlier, Bob had knocked on Rowan's door saying he had a surprise for her. He sounded so excited so Rowan doubted he knew what Grace had done. He said he was going to take her somewhere, that it wouldn't take long but she can't stay cooped up forever. Rowan had expected a quick trip into the town, not being driven to Boston and being left outside the house that caused her pain she couldn't put into words. Rowan wasn't mad at Bob, however. He didn't know any better. No, this was on Grace.
"I want to make things right with Cameron," Grace said as Rowan followed her into the house, being led to the same room they had their talk in after being reunited after six years. There was a Christmas tree up this time, high as the ceiling and fully decorated. The room smelt of cookies and there was a cot in the corner that was not there last time, empty still. "But I know I have to make it right with you first so I'm going to try now. If you'll let me."
"So you thought kidnapping me was the way to go?" Grace shrugged, looking back at Rowan with a sheepish smile, one that reminded her so much of Cameron that she had to look away. Of course they had the same smile. Of course they did. Rowan just had to be reminded of him even when in another town.
Rowan had been trying so hard to not think of Cameron, today more so than the others. She wished he was having a fun time, sure, but she did not want to imagine it. Just knowing he was without her was painful enough. She didn't need to picture it too.
Rowan turned back to the older woman when hearing her greet Talia, watching as Talia kissed Grace's cheek while holding their baby, Grace's eyes closing and smiling so bright that smile lines were prominent. Rowan had never seen her so happy before in her life. "Hey, Rowan," Talia said once Grace had taken the baby from her, walking closer to Rowan who was frozen in place.
"Hey, Talia." Rowan tried to keep her eyes on Talia but they kept drifting to Grace who was talking to her babbling daughter, adorned in a baby blue dress, lifting her daughter in the air as she walked around the room and the daughter smiling and laughing, little legs kicking out.
Rowan knew she didn't have a good childhood. That was pretty apparent. But she never realised just how much she missed out on, not until she was put in Bob's care. But, even then, those were her days as a kid and young teen. She's never thought further back. But now she's staring right at it; the unconditional love of a mother. Just by watching Grace and her daughter now, Rowan knew she was going to grow up loved. She would never have to doubt that.
And it was all because Grace got out.
None of this would've been possible if Grace hadn't left. Escaped. How could Rowan possibly be mad at her for that after seeing how much happier she is, how she has a daughter she would only do right by? All because she learned from the hatred and pain from that cursed house and turned it into something beautiful.
Rowan couldn't be angry at her anymore.
Talia followed Rowan's gaze when she realised Rowan wasn't listening to a word she was saying, noticing the dazed look in Rowan's eyes as she watched the mother-daughter pair. She turned back to the hurting teen, a gentle smile on her face as she asked, "do you wanna hold her?"
"What?" Rowan asked, the word passing by her lips faintly as she looked back up at Talia, eyes no longer dazed over but wide in fear as Grace walked over to the two with her daughter. "No, no," Rowan said, shaking her head firmly, "I don't―I can't hold a baby."
"It's alright, I'll show you," Talia said as she took the baby from Grace. She instructed for Rowan to relax before helping her with her hands, one under her head and neck and the other lower down, holding the baby to her chest. Rowan moved the baby's head to rest against her arm so she was still supported in the neck but would be easier to hold. "See? You're a natural."
"Yeah?" Rowan mumbled, the one word filled with so much fear but that fear slowly disappeared when Talia echoed it. She looked down at the baby in her arms, her heart pounding against her ribs when looking down at those doe hazel eyes that stuck out against her fair skin but in the best way possible. "Hi, baby," Rowan whispered, a shaky smile blessing her face as she lifted her hand gently, letting the baby wrap her small hands around her little finger.
"Think Rosie likes you," Grace commented with a smile but it was missed by Rowan who couldn't tear her eyes away from the baby in her arms, maybe only a few months old. It was strange to her to know she was once this age and size but they couldn't be more different. Rowan was raised by nannies before a woman who hated her and then herself but Rosie was going to be raised by two women who would shower her in love.
Rather than being jealous like some may think she would be, Rowan was relieved Rosie would have a better life than she did.
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The rest of the day went better than Rowan had anticipated. She actually felt happy. She forgot how genuine happiness felt, not one forced or coming by from alcohol. It'd been too long since she felt it but being here in this home, Rowan was happy and was free from her own thoughts for those few hours. They did almost everything she normally does with Cameron―making gingerbread houses and baking with Christmas movies on in the background. They now, almost four hours later, were even attempting a game of Monopoly between the three of them with music playing softly in the background but Talia, having one too many drinks, knocked it over when losing and blamed it on her poor coordination in which Grace called her out on her lies.
"Bullshit! You used to be a surgeon, poor coordination my ass," Grace grumbled before taking a sip from her wine. She had been nursing that same glass all day long and Rowan wondered if Hugo had something to do with the reason she wasn't drinking much. She didn't ask though. She knew better than to bring Hugo up when everything was going so well.
"You quit being a surgeon to become a general practitioner?" Rowan asked Talia. Throughout this day, she learned that Talia owns her own practice and Grace is the receptionist of said practice, opening it up together. Talia nodded. "Why?"
"More my speed." Talia stood up, placing her empty glass down on the table where the board once resided but was now all over the floor. Unlike Grace, Talia was drinking gin and must be on her fifth glass by now. "C'mon, help me with the desserts so the big baby stops sulking."
"You're the one who knocked it over 'cause you were losing!" Grace called after the two as their made their way to the kitchen that still smelled of baked goods, her complaints muffled yet still heard as the two walked further away. It made Talia smile, a lovesick expression on her face. Rowan was glad someone loved Grace this much, so much so it shows on their face even from the smallest things. Grace did deserve love. That never changed even when Rowan's anger was directed at the older woman and Rowan was happy she had found that love.
"Grace told me about you," Talia said once the two were alone, the first time they had been since Rowan had been dropped off here, never looking at Rowan as she filled a plate with cookies. "After you left. She told me everything." Rowan had expected that much considering Grace would have to explain why Rowan was yelling at her and nodded even though Talia wasn't looking her way. "As much as I don't appreciate you raising your voice at my wife, I understand why you did it. I understand that she hurt you and, understandably so, you were angry. But Grace does regret it. I know you think she doesn't, I mean I would if I were in your shoes, but she does. She has been wanting to call you, to go see you, just talk to you every day since that one. And yeah, maybe it's six years too late but I'm asking you, please give her a chance. Try to forgive her. It'll be good for both of you."
Rowan wanted to believe she had forgiven Grace after seeing the way she was with her daughter. She knew she wasn't angry after seeing that because she knew it was thanks to leaving Hugo it happened. But that was today, a day she was overwhelmed with emotions and generally missed everyone in her life. She couldn't trust her emotions and she couldn't guarantee she'd feel the same tomorrow.
Rowan knew that already.
And it seemed Talia did too as she looked back at Rowan with a sad sort of smile. Rowan hated pity more than anything in the world but from Talia, it felt different. It was almost comforting. Was that weird? Rowan believed so. But that smile...there was no other word to describe it than comforting.
"Try it for yourself." Rowan could only nod, not trusting herself to speak but that seemed good enough for Talia whose smiled brightened up at the one simple action. "Thank you. Now c'mon, Grace will be waiting for her." Talia scooped the plates into her hands, two filled with desserts all while still holding her wine glass.
"I can get one―"
"Don't be ridiculous, you're our guest. I've got it, don't you worry."
The worst thing was that Rowan believed her.
It seemed to happen in slow motion. Rowan was keeping the door open for Talia hoping that would be enough but Talia stumbled over feet, most likely influenced by the drinks, bumping into the side of the table and the glass she was holding between two fingers slipped and fell to the floor with a loud shatter, cracking into pieces with drink spilling everywhere.
Rowan wasn't sure how it happened. Nor did she know why. All she knew was that somehow, with how overwhelmed her mind was, she was transported back to her old house and the looming sense of danger coming after a day full of peace evoked a physical reaction from her body, leading to a wet substance dripping down her legs and staining her pants.
While rushing to the bathroom to lock herself in there until she was sorted out, Rowan decided this was never going to leave these four walls.
"Shit, shit, shit," Rowan cursed in a whisper as she looked down at her wet jeans, forehead creased with her frown. "Fucking hell." She peeled off her jeans as quickly as she could and reached for the toilet paper in hopes of wiping it clean but her hands were shaking so much she couldn't grab onto anything. Giving up for now, she buried her head in her palms, tears threatening to spill. Why was she crying? She didn't know. Everything was spinning and blurry, her mind running a mile a minute and she had no clue what she was feeling as she paced the bathroom floor, her hand against her chest with her thumb rapidly tapping against her collarbone. "Fuck!"
Rowan should've known something bad was going to happen. She should've known that much by now. It was routine for her. When things go well, something always goes to shit and this time it just had to be the most embarrassing thing she could think of; peeing her pants in front of Grace and her new wife.
It became harder to breathe. Rowan's chest felt like it was squeezing in on itself, crushing all airways to let oxygen into her lungs. Her breathing became shallower as she slid to the floor, both hands going up to her head and pulling at her hair in hopes of giving her mind physical pain to focus on rather than emotional and mental pain.
It didn't work.
"Rowan?"
The voice outside the locked door, opposite to where she was sitting on the floor, sounded far away as if it had travelled through water before hitting Rowan's ears. The bathroom wouldn't stop spinning and she was seeing triple of everything yet not a single thing clear as she gasped for air, never successful.
"Rowan!"
Rowan wasn't sure when the door opened but she could faintly see blonde hair in her vision. Grace. She was in front of her, her hand reaching out but Rowan flinched away, eyes darting around the place with her pupils blown. Her fingers were starting to feel numb.
"Rowan, hey, I need you to look at me," Grace said, her voice quiet yet frantic. Rowan could faintly see her holding her hands up by her head to show she wouldn't touch Rowan, the outline being the only thing visible. "That's good, that's good. Keep looking at me."
"I c-can't―I..."
"Shh, it's okay. Just breathe with me, okay? Breathe with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth okay?" Rowan was hardly registering her words as her breathing sped up further, the numbness travelling down her palms but she must've nodded with the way Grace continued. "Breathe in with me." Grace inhaled deeply, the sound cutting through Rowan's panic and she tried so hard to copy her but it failed, only causing the breathing to speed up more, eyes darting around. "Hey, hey, keep looking at me. We'll try again."
It felt like hours they were in that bathroom trying to pull Rowan back from that, the reality being only fifteen minutes, and it had drained Rowan completely. Black slouched against the cool marble, chest rising with every breath, Rowan could only watch through her lashes as Grace wiped at her legs with wet tissue, no energy to protest.
"I'm sorry," Rowan mumbled.
"For what, baby?" Rowan's breath hitched in her throat, memories from when first meeting Grace rushing through her mind, that whole year where Grace only called her baby rather than her name. Thinking back on it, Rowan was starting to think Grace was doing that to try and humanise her instead of thinking of Rowan as a prison. Maybe. Still, it made her chest swell despite how much she hated that feeling.
"I ruined your carpet."
"It's okay." Grace threw away the tissue while looking over her shoulder, back at Rowan, with a smile. "It needed a good scrub anyways."
"It's never happened before," Rowan felt the need to clarify. She wasn't sure if Grace believed her, only seeing the woman nod from behind as she washed her hands. "I'm serious. It hasn't."
"You don't have to convince me," Grace said as she sat down next to Rowan once turning on the tap in the bathtub to draw a bath for Rowan, knees to her chest and elbows resting on them as she kept her eyes on Rowan. "I get it. Same happened to me when I left. For me, it was a yell."
Rowan turned her head to Grace, eyes scanning her expression for any sign of a lie but found none. "What happened? With everything?" Grace seemed shocked by the question, probably not expecting Rowan to care. Rowan shouldn't but she was curious. She never met someone before who would actually understand what this feels like. To live with this. She thought she was alone in this but she was wrong. Grace understood. She lived it too. For roughly the same amount of time as Rowan did, Grace lived it.
And she survived.
She came out of it stronger.
Rowan hated that saying. That the things people go through make them stronger. She didn't need to be strong. She needed to be loved. She needed to feel safe. She needed a father. A mother. A parent. She didn't need to be strong, she needed the freedom to be the child she still was rather than the adult the world forced her to become.
But Grace seemed stronger, to have recovered, and Rowan wanted to know if she could get there too.
She needed to know.
"Uh, well, it was two months after I left. I had just moved to Boston and got a new job. Waitressing still. It was all going well, typical day. But then, close to the end of my shift, someone came in yelling. He was on his phone but I didn't see that. I thought it was Hugo. I thought he found me and was going to force me back. I was living in so much fear those two months that one simple yell had me frozen. I started crying, shaking, scared to turn around to see who it was. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital. That's where I met Talia." Grace had a smile as she looked down at her feet, strands of hair falling around her face. "I thought I'd live in fear all my life. I thought I was always gonna be looking over my shoulder, always terrified of the worst. And for a year, I was. And there used to be times when things reminded me of that house and I'd freeze, switch off in a way and when I came to, I was somewhere else completely with blanks in my memory. That was the way my body reacted to it. It's different for everything and that was mine. But that stopped. It lessened over the months and by a year and a half in, it stopped. I learned to associate different things with the things that once scared me and it took time but it worked. And now..."
"I brought the scary memories back for you," Rowan finished when Grace trailed off.
"The opposite, actually. You showing up here, you've given me the chance to fully heal, to fully process the past. Rowan, I lied earlier. I didn't just call you here so I can talk to Cameron. I want to make things right with you too. Not just to heal. I truly want to be better for you. You deserved it in the past and I fucked it all up. If you give me the chance, I want to make it up to you. I was wrong to leave you there, to have false hope when I knew deep down it wasn't true despite how much I tried to convince myself, to keep your very existence a secret from my wife. I was ashamed of what I did and I still am. So, if it's okay with you, I want to try being in your life again."
Rowan didn't reply. She knew now that on some level she would want someone in her life who understands but she wasn't sure if it'll be worth the pain of remembering every time she saw Grace that she was abandoned. She gulped harshly before asking in a timid voice, something very unlike herself, "It'll get better?"
Grace's head tilted, waiting for Rowan to elaborate. Instead of speaking, Rowan gestured down to her legs with one hand. Grace nodded with the tiniest of smiles. "It does."
Rowan looked down at the floor at her hand that was tracing patterns against the cool surface. She didn't realise she was doing that. The only noise heard for a few seconds was the water filling up the bath. Still in a childlike way, Rowan asked, "Promise?"
When Grace didn't say anything, Rowan looked up at her, breath catching at the sight. Grace's eyes were glistening as she looked down at Rowan, shining with tears under the bathroom light, lips kissing her teeth as if trying to stop herself from replying. She let out a shaky breath, her lips quivering slightly. "Promise."
Rowan hummed, looking back down at the floor. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay, you can be in my life again."
Why, some may ask. Well, what else does Rowan have to lose? Pain is something she was accustomed to. At least this pain would have its benefits.
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i should be studying
for exams rn