"That's why I'm calling Freen, they've just got in touch with me...I'm afraid Robert died about ten minutes ago..."
I didn't say anything, my mind racing like crazy at the gravity of her words. Rob Armstrong, dead... Jesus!
"Freen, are you still there?"
"I'm here, Jenna," I said softly, "please accept my condolences."
"Thank you, Freen, I appreciate that."
"Would you like me to tell Becky?" I asked, knowing that was why she was calling.
"No, Freen, but I'm afraid I may have to. I'd prefer to tell her myself, but she doesn't deserve to hear this like I did; not over the phone. It was bad enough that I heard it that way..."
"I'll do it, Jenna," I said sadly, "I know Becky and Rob weren't that close, but..."
"...but this will be hard on her, Freen, I want you know that. Becky spent most of her life searching for Rob's approval..."
"I understand, Jenna," I said as her voice tailed off, "it's all right. Does Richie know?"
"He does, he's with me now. We're on the way to the hospital, we're just waiting for the helicopter to pick us up."
"Is that where you'd like me to take Becky? To the hospital?"
"I think that's the best thing to do, Freen. I think we all need to say goodbye. I'm really sorry to ask this of you, Freen, I know it's a huge burden to place on your shoulders."
"It's fine, Jenna, don't concern yourself" I told her, trying to take at least that worry from her. After all, it's not as if I'm unaccustomed to delivering bad news to people I love.
"No, Freen, it's really not fine. I should be doing this myself I know, but I am glad you're there andI'm glad that Becky will hear this face to face from someone that cares for her. Look after my daughter for me will you please? I'll see you as soon as I can."
"I will ,Jenna, take care... if there's anything I can do please let me know."
"You are already doing more than I should ask of you, thank you again."
Jenna hung up on me after that, there was nothing else for us to say, nothing more that needed to be said. I had to admire the strength she was demonstrating, thinking of her family above all things. I only hoped that Becky had inherited that same strength; she would probably need it. I looked down at my phone thoughtfully, I needed to let Becky know, needed to interrupt this meeting in as diplomatic a manner as I could.
Duty said that I needed to let James or JJ know about Rob's death, but honor said that Becky was my priority. I put the phone into my pocket with a sigh and prepared myself for what was to come. With a deep breath, I knocked on the door to the conference room and twisted the handle.
All eyes were upon me as I stepped into the room; in an ideal world, this would have been done discretely, however I had to break this party up right now.
"Excuse me, Miss Armstrong, I need a moment of your time," I said formally, "I'm afraid it's urgent."
"We're nearly finished here, Miss Sarocha," she replied, not looking happy at my interruption.
"Can't it wait?"
I shook my head, "Mr Porter has an urgent call for you from one of our contacts in Baghdad. I'm afraid he's calling on a satellite phone and this is the only time he can do. It is quite important you speak to him, ma'am, I wouldn't have interrupted otherwise."
I mentally crossed my fingers and hoped that she wouldn't question my hastily created story. To my relief, she nodded and stacked the papers in front of her. "Right I'd better deal with this, I'll expect status reports from you all by the end of the afternoon," she said standing and tucking her paperwork under her arm. "Bonnie, Nigel, could you finish up here for me, please?"
I held open the door as she walked past me, her air of professional distain fixed firmly in place, and followed her down the corridor to her office; actually thankful that she didn't seem to want to talk to me right then. As we approached her door, she waited for me and smiled, our ritual of letting me 'sweep the room' before she went in well established by now.
"Fucking hell how many missed calls?" she said after I gestured her in, walking straight over to her desk and picking up her phone from where she had left it. "Wonder what mum wants that's so urgent?"
"Becky," I said, crossing the room quickly as she pressed buttons on the keypad, "Becky!"
"What, Freen?" she said as she pressed the phone to her ear, quickly I ran around the desk and took the phone off her; hanging up on the call before Jenna answered.
"Fucks sake, Freen, what the hell is going on in your head? Give me my phone back. James can wait for two fucking seconds while I find out what mum wants."
"Becky, I lied about the phone call," I said placing the phone down on her desk and standing in front of her, "I haven't spoken to James. I needed to talk to you, ok? I'm afraid I've got some news, please love... sit."
Becky looked at me strangely, sitting down as I suggested. "What's going on, babe," she said her eyes filled with doubts.
"I've just spoken to you mother, love," I said kneeling down in front of her and taking her hands gently. "There's no easy way for me to do this," I said sighing, "Jenna told me that your father was admitted to St Thomas' Hospital this morning with a suspected heart attack..."
The color drained from her face as I spoke, "Is... is he ok?" she interrupted her hands grabbing mine painfully. The moment had come, I'd had to tell my team about losing people before, had to tell loved ones about a friend's loss. They were all tough to do, more than tough, but nothingprepared me for what I had to do now; tell the woman I loved the most horrible news I could think of, tell her about the death of a parent.
Losing my mum had been the worst thing that had happened to me; waking up and finding that mum had passed in the night had left me with a hole in my life that hadn't ever been filled. Despite her contempt for her father and his actions, I knew what I was about to tell her would hurt her deeply. I knew from bitter personal experience that no matter how much you say you hate them, there's always love left for your parents; no matter how deeply it's buried.
"...is he going to be all right?" she continued, her hands still crushing mine, almost certainly suspecting that I wasn't the bearer of good tidings, perhaps hoping that he news I had wasn't as bad as she suspected.
"I'm so sorry, Becky," I said finally, shattering her hopes with four little words. "Your mother told me that the hospital called her about fifteen minutes ago, he didn't make it, my love, I'm so very, very sorry."
Becky stared at me for what felt like hours, her eyes searching my face for the signs of a sick joke, the signs that it wasn't the truth. I did my best to remain strong, as I watched her heart break in front of me, as I saw a single tear escape from her eye.
"Thank you, Freenky," she said finally, taking a deep breath before releasing me and wiping the tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. "That can't have been easy for you, love, I appreciate you telling me personally."
"Your mum wanted to tell you herself, love," I replied, "but she didn't want to do it over the phone, she wanted someone to tell you face to face."
"I understand babe, it's ok," she said sounding unnaturally calm. "I'll call her in a second. I assume she's on the way here?"
"To the hospital," I said sadly, "She and Richie are flying over now. I said I'd take you to meet them."
"Um," she mused, "it'll have to wait for a bit, I've got far too much to do right now."
"You sure?" I asked softly, "It's not a problem, you know."
"No, I'm sure... thank you Fren, I'll need to make some arrangements here, there's people that will have to know, e-mails I'll have to send. I'd appreciate it if you didn't let this slip to anyone here."
"Naturally," I replied simply.
She patted me on the arm, my hands resting on her knees, "Thank you, I think the news would be better coming from me. I assume you'll need to talk to James, or JJ as well, let them know the news."
"I will yes," I said standing, taking her words as a dismissal of sorts. "If you need me, you know where I am."
"I do, thanks," she replied picking up her phone once more and ignoring me. I made my way out into my office and sat down at my laptop, typing an e-mail to James as fast as my fingers could type.
I'd got a strange look from Bonnie as I walked in from Becky's office, but I didn't say a word; it wasn't my place to tell her what was going on. It wasn't just that though; I didn't feel like speaking because honestly I was more than a little bit worried about Becky.
I didn't know how she was going to react to the news, but I knew that at some point she would; once she managed to break free of the numbing desolation that currently, understandably, seemed to be consuming her. I vowed, no matter what happened, I would be there for her, in any way she needed me to be. She could scream at me, cry on me, or kick the living crap out of me if it helped, it wouldn't matter, not to me. All I wanted was to help her in any way I could.
I've seen grief enough times in my past to know that everyone reacts differently, to know that how you deal with the loss is a personal thing. Paul used to get loud and annoying, using his stupid sarcastic humor as a shield from the pain, trying to convince us all that it didn't matter. Chunks used to get angry, walking away from everyone and returning minutes later, his knuckles red and bruised. Grouch used to bottle it all up before exploding into a frenzy of barked orders, desperate to keep us all active so we didn't fall apart... Me? I did what I usually did, withdrew into my head and tried to shut it away. As a release, I used to hit a pool, or a gym, or anywhere I could lose myself in the pain of exhaustion, somewhere I could just forget. After Paul died, I'd done all of that and more, adding fucking my way to oblivion to the list, pushing the pain behind me in Amanda's willing arms.
It was a little over half an hour later when Bonnie started to cry, the blip of her inbox that preceded it telling me that the news was now public. She looked up at me accusingly and I lowered my eyes, what else could I do?
"You've heard then?" I asked, getting a sniff and a nod in return.
"Is that why you interrupted the meeting?" she asked accusingly, her eyes red.
"Yes," I answered,
"It's horrible isn't it? Poor, poor Becky. How did she take it?"
"As well as can be expected," I said cryptically. "I think she wanted to make sure everyone knew as soon as possible."
"She's just sent an e-mail to all staff, a heart attack? But he was such a fit man, so healthy...it's unbelievable."
"Yeah," I agreed helplessly, "it's a terrible thing."
"I can't believe it..." she started to say before we were interrupted by the ringing of her phone. Quickly, she answered it and sat in silence for a few minutes listening in; before waving across atme, flicking on her speaker phone.
"...and I need you all to organize meetings with our suppliers, customers and anyone else we have dealings with as soon as possible, we need to ensure that they know we are not a rudderless ship; we need to make it absolutely clear to everyone that Armstrong Industries is business as usual. We are not losing a single fucking client over this and we're not losing out on future contracts either. Heads will fucking roll if you fuck this up people so let's make my father proud. Bonnie, could you liaise with everyone and let me know what's going on?"
"I'll get right on that, Becky," Bonnie said shaking her head at me sadly, concern filling her eyes.
"Miss Sarocha, are you there?"
"Right here, Miss Armstrong," I said speaking up so she could hear me.
"Good, I'm going to need you to take me to meet with my family in a bit, if that's convenient?"
"Of course it is, Miss Armstrong. I'm at your immediate disposal as usual."
"Good, thank you. I'm going to need ten minutes of your time as well when we're done here. I need to know how today's tragic news will impact on the trip to Iraq."
"Not a problem, I'll get some figures together now and let you know."
"Your best guess will do, I know this isn't something you and your team will have planned for..." She continued to talk for the next five minutes, outlining her plan for her team and the heads of department that she had on the phone. Like a good soldier, she had stepped up and took charge; the standard bearer might have fallen, but she had picked up the flag and was leading them forwards. I don't think I could have been more proud of her strength, and more concerned for her fortitude.
I continued to listen as I stepped back to my desk and started firing e-mails to the team at Head Office, asking how they thought the risks might change, and for an idea on an updated plan of attack. I didn't have a lot of real world information by the time her call ended, but my mind was made up on how we were going to do it; like she had said it was business as usual.
I grabbed my pencilled thoughts and a couple of e-mails from the risk analysis team at Secure365 and knocked on her door, getting a muffled 'come in' from inside. With a sympathetic smile from Bonnie, I opened the door and stepped inside.
"Close the door, Freen," Becky said, not from her desk, but from the sofa in the corner where she was sat with her phone in her hand, "take a seat, please."
"I haven't got a full plan yet, Becky," I said as I put my notes down on the table in front of her and sat down, "but I have had a think about the logistics of the trip..."
"Freen?" she interrupted a slight quaver to her voice, "I don't give a flying fuck about the trip, I just... please..." I stopped speaking and looked at her, seeing her eyes full of unshed tears.
Without thinking, I opened my arms and she fell into me, sobbing violently, the floodgates well and truly broken. She didn't babble as she cried, didn't try to speak to me about anything at all; she simply cried her heart out until there was nothing left; and all I could do was hold her tight and try to reassure her.
I don't do comforting people, I'm no good at comforting people, I never have been; but for her I'll do my very best. I sat on the sofa in the corner of her office and stroked her hair, muttering nonsense and telling her how much I loved her. I'd no idea if that was the right thing to do, but it seemed to work, seemed to calm her somewhat, seemed to do the job.
"Bec?" I ventured tentatively when she eventually stopped crying.
"I'm ok, Freenky, I'll be ok...it's, it's just a bit of a shock, you know? Could you... would you take me to see mum? Please?"
"Of course, baby, I'll take you right now if that's what you want."
"Not just yet, babe," she said holding me tightly as if she would never let me go, her voice breaking once more. "I think I need a few minutes first."
"Whatever you need love, whenever you're ready."
----
We got a few funny looks from the staff as I escorted Bec through the building, my arm wrapped protectively around her, her arm around my waist. I walked her down through the reception; my best sergeants face on, driving away all comers with a stern look and a hard glare.
Becky didn't need the false sympathy and platitudes that were likely to come from the employees of Armstrong industries; later perhaps she would have to endure it, but definitely not now, not while I'm around anyway. It's my job to protect her from everyone and everything as I see fit; as genuine and well-meaning as some of those people might have been.
We didn't bother taking my truck, opting instead for a taxi that Bonnie had called down to the main building receptionist to arrange for me. Driving was going to be somewhat difficult with my arms full of Armstrong; and I wasn't letting go of my girl until she wanted me to. Not that it looked like that was going to be any time soon.
The journey to St Tommy's seemed to take hours as we crawled through the Friday lunchtime traffic jam over to the South Bank. Becky was curled up against me in the back of the cab, a veritable death grip on my arm. She hadn't said a word since asking me to take her to the hospital, presumably lost in her thoughts, or her memories.
"We're here, babe," I told her as we pulled up outside the main entrance to the hospital.
The rest of the day was lost in the process of dealing with the death. I was struggling a little as we went through the formal identification, Rob's body being laid out in the hospitals chapel of rest for the family to view. I'd excused myself from almost everything, much to my shame, the memories the process evoked were far too familiar, far too sharp, and far too painful.
The only 'bright' part of the day was that, like mum, there were no reported complications with the death; no need subject the family to the added pain and delay of an extended post-mortem investigation. Rob had died of cardiac failure pure and simple, the tragic, senseless loss caused by a second massive heart attack. He was in the right place, but there was simply nothing anyone could have done; he was already weakened after the first attack we were told and the second was too much for his shattered body to take.
No crime, no terrorist act, no reason to be suspicious about it at all; it was nothing more than the failing of his own body and somehow that made it harder to take. After the identification had been done, all that was left to be done was receive the paperwork and arrange for Rob's body to be collected by the funeral home and for the family to make their way from the hospital to somewhere less sterile, somewhere they could continue to grieve away from prying eyes.
The time for details was over, now it was the time for family; and, for the first time in a long time, and probably rightly, I wasn't included.
----
"How you holding up, blondie?" James asked as I sat on the street outside the flat, my ass planted on the step of the entrance, my back against the wall.
"I'm ok, boss," I told him, "bit tired, it's been a bit of a shock for everyone, you know?"
"It's terrible, how's the family doing?" Bonnie asked, handing the huge bunch of flowers in her arms.
"I imagine they're pretty fucked up and in need of their friends and loved ones around them, people like you." she added throwing my unlit fag away, "What are you doing out here?"
"Getting some air," I replied taking a breath, "that was my only one, I stole it off Richard."
"...and you thought you'd come out here and smoke it," she said a bit angrily, dragging me to my feet.
"Jesus, Freen, Becky deserves better than that, why aren't you in there with her?"
"No lighter," I said holding out my arms, and ignoring her question. "Search me if you like."
"What's going on, blondie?" James said placing his hands on my arms and pressing them down firmly.
"The family are upstairs boss, Richard is with them right now, I'm on watch out here, trying to be inconspicuous; now if you'll excuse me," I said sitting down again, "I'll get back to the job you pay me for."
It was a half-truth. Richard was on duty upstairs, but I wasn't really on watch down here. There was nothing really to watch out for. Still, it was a convenient cover, a cover from what was really bothering me.
"How long have you been out here, Freen?" Bonnie asked as I settled down once more; shuffling myself against the brick wall until I was comfortable again. It was a comforting feeling, it was like old times, only I was better dressed, less well-equipped, the weather was better, and so were the surroundings.
"What time is it?" I asked as I sat back in the sun, adjusting my aviators until they were comfortable.
"Half past two," she replied looking at her watch.
"What day?"
Bonnie and James shared a look before she spoke again, "Saturday, Freen, as you well know."
I shrugged, the rough brickwork scraping against my shirt, grazing my skin through the thin material. "A few hours," I told them.
"How many hours is a few, Freen?" Bonnie pressed, keeping on at me like a dog with her favorite bone.
"Not many," I replied vaguely, "six or seven, maybe ten; fifteen at the most."
"Freen," They both said, disappointment in their voices.
"Look, there's fuck all room up there, the entire fucking family is in there and I'm making sure they're ok," I lied again. "They're a pretty tasty target right now and we need someone being the perimeter guard and for now that's me; now go on piss off before you blow my cover."
"What's your cover, blondie?" James said, and I knew instantly that he didn't believe a word of what I had said.
"It's summertime, boss," I said twisting my arms until the pale underarms showed, "I'm sunbathing... what does it look like?"
He laughed and pulled Bonnie away from me, her face showing that she too was not convinced. I watched them walk to the lifts and press the button, quite obviously talking about me; their body language telling me all I needed to know. I didn't care; they could talk about me all they liked as long as they left me alone, I really wasn't in the mood to be sociable today...
Friday had been a difficult day for me, much to my surprise. I wasn't surprised it would be difficult... far from it, what I was surprised at was how hard Becky's rejection had been on me. She hadn't meant it like that I know, she hadn't meant to blank me, to disregard me completely but I wanted to help her, I wanted to be there for her. I knew the pain of the loss of a parent like no other person in that flat, yet they had closed off into family ranks and I was, once more, the hired help.
It hurt a little, more than a little, in fact, but I was used to being hurt; I'd spent my whole life suffering that particular pain. I think that it hurt a little bit more because for the first time in years, the first time since Whitey, I had let someone else deep into my life. Becky fucking Armstrong had forced her way deep into my heart and set up camp there. I had let her pitch her tent and make herself comfortable, she had helped me through my own agony and, at the time when I wanted nothing more than to help her, to comfort her in her pain, she rejected me. She cut me out of her life and replaced me with what she knew, replaced me with her sister andher brother and her mother; replaced me with the comfort of her family. I couldn't blame her, but it did hurt.
So I found myself here, sat on the streets once more. Now that the refuge of the army isn't there for me any more, when all goes to shit in my life, this is probably where I was destined to end up. Still, it was a constant; it was something that couldn't be taken away from me, not ever. The streets were now a refuge from the things that hurt me, and I would always love, as well ashate, them for it.
Time rolled by, as it always does and I started to feel the slight pangs of hunger as I sat in front of the entrance to our flat, resolute in my solitude. I did my best to ignore the hunger, to be honest, it was an easy task, I'd been hungry so many times before. The two things that I remembered so clearly from my time on the streets were hunger and cold. I could ignore the one and I could fight against the other. I had fought against the cold all last night; sat where I was from late evening, through the early morning hours and into the today. Cold was ok though, as was thehunger, I could handle them both easily; I just couldn't handle the rest.
"I thought you might want something to drink?" Bonnie said as she appeared beside me, sitting on the step net to me and handing me a steaming mug. "Pretty messed up in there, yes?"
I nodded, taking a sip of the piping hot cup of tea she had brought me, and savoring the taste, "so, why are you down here really, Freen?"
"No space up there," I said, "everyone's on top of one another now James has arrived and the family need their space right now."
"And you're feeling a bit left out?" she asked cutting straight to the chase. I simply shrugged by way of reply.
"You know, I expected Richie to be a mess, but I never expected Becky to take it so hard," she said leaning her shoulder against me. "I never thought her and her father were that close."
"Makes sense to me," I told her shrugging once more.
"Care to explain?"
I sighed and shook my head; as much as I liked Bonnie, I wasn't really in the mood for chatting, wasn't prepared to discuss Becky's unreciprocated love for her father.
"You need to go back upstairs, Freen," she said finally, after we'd sat in the bright afternoon sun for another few minutes. "Becky needs you."
"She has her family, Bon," I told her, "her family is what she needs right now. When she wants me, she knows where I am."
"Hiding downstairs," she said accusingly, standing up and offering me her hand.
"If you want to think that, yes," I replied, ignoring her hand and folding my arms.
"You're a stubborn fool sometimes, Freen," she said shaking her head. "I'll bring you some food down."
"I'm ok," I told her with a smile, lying once more. "Not much of an appetite today."
"I'll get you something anyway," she said walking away before I could reply again, vanishing into the building, and leaving me to think about her words in peace.
I sent a quick text upstairs to James, using the opportunity of his arrival as an opportunity to get away from the building without feeling guilty about reducing our security; suggesting that Richard take my place on perimeter duty.
After one more lap of the apartment building, to reassure myself that all was still well, I made my way through the streets of St John's Wood to Regents Park or The Regent's Park as it was rightly named. I'd never been, though of course Becky had raved about it; being on her doorstep it was the place that she liked to go running when she had time. I knew it was a good idea the moment I stepped through the gate and saw the faint gleam of the boating lake in front of me. I was contemplating a quick lap of that lake, convinced that a brisk walk around the water being just the thing to help clear my head. However, as soon as I got to the far side of the bridges, a better plan came to mind, the dappled shade of the trees in the distance seeming an attractive place for a bit of a rest.
The park was full of activity today, the warm weather bringing people out in their droves to play in the sun. Kids, couples, every man and his dog, quite literally, were out in force; kicking balls,throwing sticks or just lounging around sunbathing and listening to music.
Something I really wanted to do right now, lounge around and relax.
After a bit of a search, I found myself a quiet bit of space under a tall tree, as far from the madding crowds as I could without losing the sun too much. As I sat down and snuggled back into the rough bark, I felt my body relax for the first time since that phone call; and, as weariness overtook me, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to sleep.
----
The sun was sinking low on the horizon when I finally woke, the buzzing of my phone intruding on a tormented dream; not my usual nightmare, but nothing especially pleasant either. I fumbled for the screen, eyes still struggling to focus, and pressed the button to answer.
"Hello," I said groggily, "Freen Sarocha speaking."
I wiped my eyes with my free hand and looked around me. The park was less crowded that it had been when I arrived. I could see more of the grass exposed as I blinked into the sunlight trying to clear my head.
"Freenky?" I heard, a tired and sad sounding voice ask, a hint of worry in there too.
"Bec?" I replied sitting up and blinking rapidly, "what's wrong?"
"Where are you?" she asked, her voice sounding, unsurprisingly, crushed.
"I'm in the park," I apologized, stating what I thought she would already know; my message to James being plain and simple. "I thought you knew."
"I need you, babe, why aren't you here?"
"I'll be there before you know it, love," I told her, on my feet and already running towards the flat.
"Hurry baby, please," she said and I could hear her crying as she spoke, comforting words being spoken next to her as the line went dead.
It had taken me ten minutes to walk to the park, and another five to get to my shady tree. I made it back to the flat in less than seven, breathing heavily as I pushed the key into the door. I'd barely taken two steps into the hallway when I was shoved up against the wall by an angry looking Richie Armstrong.
"Where the fuck have you been?" He shouted, shoving his face into mine, his eyes flashing with rage.
"Outside," I replied as calmly as I could my heart still racing from the run here, my legs burning from my sprint up the stairs. I was trying to understand his position, emotions had, with good reason, been running high since they had all met up, and I'd bitten my lip more than once at shitty comments that had been directed my way; one more reason why I'd needed to take myself away from the situation; "where's Becky?"
"She's in her room," he snapped, "where you should fucking be... you're supposed to be her girlfriend, aren't you?"
"I think you both made it perfectly clear where I should be, Richie," I replied holding back my hurt and frustration as best I could, watching him step back slightly. "I only did what you asked me to do. I gave you the space you said you needed, that's all."
He looked at me appraisingly. I could almost see the cogs turning over in his head, rerunning the conversation from the night before. It had been a fraught time when they told me to fuck off and leave them be. I didn't resent it, I knew how it was when you were upset like that. I'd pretty much said the same thing to the people that had constantly approached me after mum died, and I'd hated it when they didn't take me at their word.
It was only after I left the room, placing the pot of tea I'd brewed back into the kitchen that I realized how much her words had hurt, and I wondered how many people I'd hurt doing the same thing all those years ago.
"She's asking for you," he replied, not sounding quite so angry.
"I know," I told her, "I'm going now. Look, I'm sorry I wasn't here, but I thought you all needed to be together, and that you needed the space. How are you doing, Richie?"
"Shit," he said and I could see the pain replace the anger, "just like everyone else, but I'll be ok."
"I'm glad," I said placing my hand on his arm. "If there's anything I can do for you, for any of you, just let me know ok?"
"Just look after Becky," he said grabbing me and hugging me tightly, "just look after my sister like you promised you would."
"I'll do that," I said hugging him back, my awkwardness returning, "I'll keep my promise, I'll do everything I need to do to keep her safe, whatever that means."
"Does it get any easier, Freen?" he asked with a sob, not needing to explain further his sudden exclamation. I thought about my answer carefully; wanting to lie, but knowing that it wouldn't be right or fair.
"No," I told him shaking my head, hating myself for telling the truth, "it doesn't. Well, it hasn't for me anyway. I still miss my mum and there's not a day that goes by that I don't."
He let go of me and stepped backwards slightly, looking at me with eyes that reminded me of Becky's. I placed my hand on his shoulder, doing my best to be comforting, despite the bitter honesty. "It does get less painful, though," I said knowing of what I spoke, "as time goes by, the pain gets less. It never goes away, but it does diminish. You'll have good days and bad days along the way, but that's how it should be with loved ones I think. It stops you forgetting them, and that's what's important. It is to me anyway."
He nodded at me with tears in his eyes before stepping forward and hugging me tightly again, almost taking my breath away. We stood like that for a few seconds before he released me and pushed me away. "Go on then," he said tears running down her face, "you need to be somewhere else right now."
I nodded and walked down the hallway towards the bedroom, catching James and Bonnie's eyes as they stood in the kitchen and glancing back towards Richie. Bonnie nodded as I stood outside Becky's bedroom and knocked on the door before entering; to my relief she had understood my veiled message and, as I opened the door, I saw her follow Richie into the living room, carrying two steaming mugs.
----
The bedroom was dark as I walked in, the light seeping in from the hallway behind me extinguished the second I closed the door. It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the dim light, but in that short time, I'd already walked over and sat next to the tiny figure that was sat on the bed with her arms wrapped tightly around her legs.
"Hey," I said softly, "you said you needed me."
"Yeah, where were you?"
"I was in the park, love, getting some air. I'm sorry I was so long, I fell asleep under a tree... I didn't get much sleep last night."
"Me neither... I missed you, Freenky, why did you leave last night, where did you go?"
"You told me to go, love," I answered, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice, hoping she'd understand, "I wanted to give you the space you needed."
"Oh, yes," she replied rocking slightly, "I... we... I wasn't very nice to you last night, I'm sorry."
"Don't even think about it, love," I told her quickly, placing an arm around her shoulders. "I knew what you meant, I've been there myself, I remember how it was. You needed your mum and Richie last night, I understood... I understand!"
'Still hurt though', I thought a little selfishly and feeling ashamed the moment I thought it, 'it still fucking hurt.'
"I fucking hated him, you know?" Becky blurted out after an uncomfortable silence. "I hated him for so fucking long; he could never accept me for who I was. I fucking hated him for so many things but he was still my dad"
"I know," I said slipping my arm around her and rubbing her shoulder gently with my hand, pulling her towards me.
"All I ever wanted was for him to love me, love me, not his fucking 'Sales Director'. All I ever asked for was that he give me a bit of credit now and again, treat me like he treated Richie, love me like he loved him."
She sniffed as she poured her heart out to me and I knew she was crying, despite the darkness.
"I'm never going to get that now, am I? I worked so fucking hard to make him love me and it was never good enough; it was never fucking good enough for him, I was never good enough for him."
"I know baby," I said soothingly, "I know; but he did love you, you know. I'm sure of it."
"How do you know that?" she said her voice breaking, "you barely knew him, but even you knew what he was like."
"I did, love," I admitted quietly, "at least, I saw a bit of what he was like when no-one else was around. He told me you were his favorite, baby, remember?" I said as soothingly as I could. "Iknow he was probably playing me, but he did say it; and besides, he gave you something he never gave Richie."
"What's that?"
"He gave you me babe, and all those people like me. Look, as soon as those threats came in he wanted you protected. I read your file Bec, how many CPO's did you have before I came along? Every time you sacked one, or drove them away, he made sure that someone else was there to look after you; and he kept going until you had the best. He did that because he loved you, he did that because all he wanted to do was keep you safe."
"You think so?" she said, her voice but a whisper.
"I know so," I replied, a little white lie that took the edge off the actual truth. I didn't know it for sure, but I at least suspected it. "I'm pretty sure he loved you Bec, he might not have showed it very well, but I'm sure he did, in his own fucked up way."
There was a long silence as she thought about my words, a long silence that was only broken by the sound of her tears. "Thanks, baby," she said finally as I continued to stroke her arm, "that means a lot."
I didn't reply, I just stopped my stroking and squeezed her shoulders, relaxing my grip only when she rested her head on my chest, her hands still gripping her legs tightly.
"Freenky," she said after we sat there in silence for a few minutes more, "would you hold me properly please? I need you to hold me right now."
Her voice had broken entirely, and I could hear the grief pouring out of her. "Of course I will Bec," I said opening my arms as she finally let go of her legs, released her protective stance, and fell into me, "of course I will."
She buried her head into my chest, sobbing loudly, her hands flailing around, pummeling me relentlessly. I pulled her into me and winced as she finally wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tightly, every ounce of her strength crushing her to me.
"I loved him, Freen," she sobbed, "I loved him so much, why couldn't he tell me that he loved me? Why couldn't he do that simple thing for me?"
"I have no idea, babe, I have no idea at all, but I can say it... I love you Becky, remember that. There are so many people who love you dearly, and a lot of them are here for you right now. We love you because you're wonderful and I'm sure your dad knew that, too."
I held her tightly in my arms as she cried, telling her the same thing over and over again until she sobbed herself out and long after that. As the faint light from the window faded, as the darkness of night drew in, I laid her exhausted body down onto the bed and wrapped her in the duvet; tucking her in carefully.
Hating myself for what I was about to do, I kissed her gently on the forehead, whispered 'I love you' into her ear and left her to sleep alone, closing the door quietly behind me as I left once more.