"It has come to my attention that you are flying again.", I hear a familiar neutral voice behind me. Why now? Why on fucking earth does he think just because he is here, he could talk to me? I don't turn around to my father and keep looking into the dark.
Currently I am standing outside the huge white tent in which the reception is held, because I needed some air. Seeing everyone in there laughing, dancing and enjoying themselves made me miss my friends. Would my own weeding with Liam have been similar to it? Not the venue or the guests, but the easiness of it. Celebrating two people who love each other and promise to do so until death would part them.
"And I heard that you impressed Lt. Colonel Colton. I could put in a good word for you, if you really want to join the Thunderbirds.", he continues after a few moments when I don't say anything to him.
Involuntarily my head snaps where he is now standing right beside me. He looks up to the stars. His face is dimly lit, but I can see a slight smile on his lips for the first time in years. My father has always been composed. Rarely he showed his emotions.
"I don't need your help nor anymore interference from your part in my career. If I want to become a member of that squadron, I can achieve that on my own.", I hiss at him.
I don't exactly know what it is, that makes my blood boil every single time I see him. Maybe it is his neglect. His neglect of taking care of me when I was younger. His neglect when my mother died and he didn't show up to her funeral, even though she was his wife. His neglect of showing any kind of emotion.
"Not everything is as it seems. You should have learned that by now.", my father says, and I hear him taking a deep breath. Does he really dare to insult me right now? I want to turn away and go inside, but he stops me by grabbing my wrist.
"We should have had the conversation ahead of us sooner.", he tells me and looks me right in the eyes. Even in the dim light I see determination in them.
"I don't think that there will be any conversation between the two of us. Everything out of your mouth is just a lie. Didn't I express myself well enough back then when I told you that I didn't want you in my life?", I ask him as I turn to him. Sighing, he lets go of my wrist. I instantly pull my arm to my chest.
"I know you hate me for many things that you think I have done. I know that you think that I constantly interfere with your career and your life. But the truth is, that I only did it three times. If you can actually call it interference.", he huffs and he clasps his hands behind his back.
"If you want to know them, stay. If you don't, you can join them inside and forget that we ever talked.", he continues in a civil tone.
It is the first time in years that he gives me the possibility to choose. I weigh my options. Do I want to know it? Do I want to know what he did? And if so, could I really believe anything he says? I remember the night I told Dave about what happened and the conversation afterwards. Maybe listening to him will get me some answers. But am I ready to hear them?
Taking a deep breath, I face him, and I indicate to him with my hand that he should continue.
"The first time I tried to interfere was the flight you had with the Thunderbirds after graduation. It was a gift from Wifi, that I told him not to give you. Not because I didn't want you to get on a plane, but because I was afraid you would fall in love with flying again.", he says, and confused I draw my eyebrows together. What does he mean with falling in love with flying again?
That flight made me fall in love with aviation.
That flight showed me what I was meant to do in my life.
That flight put me on a path that led right here.
"You probably don't remember as you were still too young to understand everything around you. Your mother always tried to travel with me to the air shows when I was part of the Blue Angels as their narrator. I still remember you watching the planes in awe and when we were back home, you ran around as fast as your little legs could carry you. You had your hands outstretched and tried to copy the sounds of the jets. Right then and there I knew you were destinated to become a fighter pilot.", he says with a nostalgic tone in his voice.
I don't remember any of that.
I don't remember being to any air shows as a kid.
I don't remember trying to be an airplane.
"I have a picture of you with my hat on, in my office to prove you, that it happened. I might be a lot of things, but I am not a liar when it comes to you, Taylor.", he says, and I can tell he is being honest.
"Still, you always hid the truth from me, and I consider that lying.", I tell him between pressed teeth.
"I told you what you were ready to hear and what you could handle. There was no point in telling you something, that you wouldn't believe to be the truth or that would shatter your beliefs. It's not like I didn't try, but you always pushed me away. All I ever tried was to protect you. Protect my little girl from a horrible fate.", he explains in his usual neutral tone of voice, and I cross my arms in front of my body.
"I pushed you away? It was you who pushed me away all the time. When you weren't on deployment you were gone before I woke up and not back when I went to sleep. All I ever wanted from you was to be there for me. I wanted to tell you how my day was and what I struggled with. And on weekends when we had breakfast, you only listen to mum rambling about different things and telling her that you would fix it. When I wanted to talk to you, you always said, that you needed to finish talking to mum.", I counter angrily. I take a deep breath to calm myself down.
"And then you got up and left the table. If you would have waited another minute, I would have listened to you, because I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to know, how you were doing. How your life progressed. I wanted to tell you how proud I was of you and your achievements. But you were too stubborn in your rage to give me the chance to do so.", he says, and I huff.
"What was the second time?", I ask him dismissively, because I don't want to talk about it further. I can't let him rip open all these old wounds that make me hate him.
"It was when I heard that you would get awarded a Raptor and that you would need to participate in Operation Red Flag. I immediately knew what it would mean for you in the long run. They would test and train you to become someone I would never recognize: merciless, deadly and ready to sacrifice your life no matter what. Traits that I never wanted you to have, because I know from my own experience what a toll it takes to be like that. The decisions you need to make. The missions you would fly. The lives you would take."
Shortly he presses his lips together and I think I heard some helplessness there. Reading between the lines of what he said, I figure that he must have flown high classified missions himself. Missions probably very similar to mine. Maybe Dave was right about the fact that he wanted to protect me. He even said it himself only a few moments ago.
"There would have been many open slots in other squadrons even some with the plane you put on number one of your dream sheet. I tried to talk to them but couldn't bring them to change their perspective and decision. You were after all praised by all your teachers and instructors even though you sometimes gave them hell. That and your dedication to go the extra mile made you stand out. That made them pick you, because you would do everything to get the job done."
I am not even surprised that he knows what plane was on my dream sheet. I know that he held the rank of a captain back then. And even as a captain he already knew people in the right places and was very influential. So, I guess it makes sense that he knows about it. But that can only mean that whoever decided to award me the Raptor was, and probably still is, more influential than he. That must have been someone very high in command.
"Who was it? Who is responsible for awarding me the Raptor?"
"Major general Thomas Green. He was your commanding officer during your pilot training. And he is the same person who dispended your team just to put it together to fly one more mission a few months later.", he replies immediately much to my surprise. I rather thought that he would avoid answering. And he confirmed my suspicions.
However, I would have never thought about Major general Green. I remember him as he was the one who gave the speech to us that not everyone is meant to be a fighter pilot and only the best of the class would make it. Apart from that speech and the day of the mission, I never really had any points of contact with him.
When I don't say anything, my father continues.
"The third and last time was two months ago. Major general Green told me that they would want to send you to Fallon to be evaluated by someone outside the Air Force. He asked for my permission, because Fallon is part of my jurisdiction. Many high-ranking officers know parts of what happened to you six months ago. They wouldn't have been objective, even if they had tried to do so. Even though I wanted to, I couldn't decline, because I know how much you love to fly and how good you are. I have seen it with my own eyes when I was in Nellis while you were participating in Operation Red Flag. I was and still am proud of you and your accomplishments."
I didn't know that he was there or that he saw me. I know that there were rumors that a high-ranking officer from the Navy was there in our third week, but I didn't know that it was him. And he is proud of me? I have never heard these words from him. Words that my younger self would have been happy to hear, but the person I am now, doesn't really care about them. Even if he is trying to explain his reasoning and his actions right now, I can't forgive him for not being there for me, especially when my mother died, and I needed him the most.
"Colonel Wright was already considering putting you behind a desk for the rest of your commitment, but Major general Green stepped in. He might be the reason why you got awarded the Raptor and flew all these missions, but he was and still is one of your biggest advocates. Because he believes in you and your talent.
When he approached me, I made two demands. The first one was that you would get partnered with Jabba. He is an excellent fighter pilot and instructor and if anyone could get through to you and make you open up, then it is him. And by the looks of it today, he is even more than a friend and confident to you. Both of you have lost someone in an incident who you considered close to you. This is something that creates a bond. I know he knows your story.", he says, and I look at him shocked. How does he know? I made sure that nobody would be able to listen to our conversation. Did Dave tell him? He would never betray me like that.
"Don't worry. Before you arrived, he received higher clearance and a sealed interim report about what happened that night. Either he read it, or you told him. Maybe even both. Whatever it was, neither he nor you will face any consequences for it.
The second demand I made, was that the orders for your temporarily position here would come directly from my office. I know you hate me as I was more away from home protecting our country and making a name for myself then being at home and spending time with you and your mother. I tried to give you the best education and life possible. Apparently, I failed miserable in doing so. You got into the USAFA on your own and I couldn't protect you from the plans of the Air Force. However, I already know that your new assignment will be in Nellis. There are two positions that they have in mind for you. But what it will be, is up to you and how you perform on Monday when you fly down to Nellis to meet Lt. Colonel Colton and the other members of the Thunderbirds."
"He is currently the person who decides your future, because he wants you as a member of the unit and I know that Major General Green lets him pick first. But this doesn't mean, that you don't need to work and fight for it. You will need to show every single member, that you want to be a part of the Thunderbirds and that you can deal with standing in the spotlight. That you can be the face of the Air Force. Each one of them is part in the decision making. If that doesn't work out or if you decide that you can't be in the spotlight and the face of the Air Force for two years, you will become an instructor. They not only wanted you here in Fallon to fly again, but to hone your skills teaching."
I guess, I wasn't wrong about my assumptions what the Air Force wanted to do with me in the future. But I am surprised that they would actually let me become a Thunderbird. Something that I never thought they would let me do, because there are so many things that I could say to the public that could destroy their image. I know what I told Dave the night I shared my story about the incident with him about become a Thunderbird and I still stand behind my words. Because being able to inspire and motivate others outweighs the possibility of recruiting someone who will have a similar path like mine.
"Wherever they decide to put me, I will accept it and do my best in serving my country. But don't expect a thank you from me, because you told me all of that. There was a time, I might have considered forgiving you, but that was before my mother died. Before you left me alone in the days and weeks, when I needed you the most."
"I know that I made many mistakes, and I have made peace with myself about them. I can live with your hate towards me, because it is still a feeling. I know you condemn me for not being at your mother's funeral, but I was there, you just didn't see me."
"Why didn't you come up? Why didn't you try to comfort me?"
"I thought you wouldn't let me, because we had that huge fight only a few months prior, and you told me that you never wished to see me again. I battled with myself to walk to you, hug you and comfort you, but I tried to respect your wish. It was hard for me to see you standing there with Wifi next to you crying and getting the sad glances from everyone around you." During the last part I can hear his voice crack. Maybe he isn't as emotionless as I thought him to be.
"Now you know. Whether you believe me or not, is up to you. From now on I will keep my distance and let you live your life. But there is one thing that I want to give you, before I leave you alone.", he says and then moves both of his hand from behind his back in front of him. In one of them he holds a brown envelope which he moves in front of me.
"In there are a copy of the official report of what happened in Jordan and one about your mission in Syria. Read them or not, but by Monday afternoon the world will know what happened or at least parts of it.", he tells me as I take it from him and then he turns away to walk back to the wedding party. I watch him leave more confused than ever. Maybe he was right in saying that not everything is as it seems, still I am mad at him for everything he did when I was younger.
I look at the brown envelope in my hands.
Do I really want to read it?
Do I want to know what they put in there?
Do I want to know how it will make me look?
Sighing I start to walk up and down thinking about everything he told me.