CHAPTER FOURTEEN
bee is stung at her heart
Blondie said she would wait for me on the road in front of our house. She was going to her house to get some clothes and take a shower, and I asked if she could drop me at JJ's on her way.
I took a quick shower and put on a pair of short green-ish cargo shorts and a simple dark blue top. I put on my black boots and my favorite bandana wrapped on my wrist, in case I felt like using it later.
When I run out the house to meet Sarah, I see my father climbing out of the Twinkie, - Twinkie, oh God, I missed you so much, I'm gonna cry - and John B meeting him, clearly mad at something. I frown, running down the stairs to catch up.
"I'm trying to figure out why you didn't say when Sarah was here."
"Yeah, what was that about?" I join.
Our dad doesn't answer, he just looks at where Sarah is still waiting for me in the distance, and then back at us above his glasses.
"Seriously?" I scrunch up my face.
"Just you and me, kids."
"She's my sister." I reply angrily, pointing at Sarah.
"No, she's not." My father snorts, shaking his head. "She's not family. She's not our blood."
"She is my sister." I firmly say again. "It doesn't matter that we aren't related by blood. She's with John. She's been with us since the beginning. I've bled with her!" I yell through gritted teeth, remembering how both of us had been hurt by bullets in the same week.
Oh, and also that time I hit my head when Pope crashed Kiara's car. I bled a lot in Blondie's clothes. And that one time while on the island when I tripped and took her down with me, yeah, we got nasty cuts on our legs.
Frankly, it's kinda weird how much has happened to both of us. Uh. Call us bloody besties? Aright, I'll come up with something better.
My father seems to be firm on his decision. He doesn't say anything. I scoff, crossing my arms on my chest. "Seriously?" He just nods his head. "Alright, then."
I start walking towards Sarah, and my father frowns, "Where are you going? We have stuff to do!"
"I'm not in. Have fun without me, though!" I say, waving my hand.
I join Sarah, who smiles at me and compliments my outfit. We ride together on her bike, with me sitting on the rear rack we had installed before all went downhill.
It's been a while since we have been alone. Blondie and I crack jokes and laugh - mostly at the expense of my brother. But it is what he gets for being... Well, annoying.
I tell her everything about my father, and what happened at the Antique store. She can't believe everything we went through while they were just hanging on the boat.
She tells me everything that happened there, what happened to Kie, how Pope and Cleo were bonding, and how Kiara and JJ mostly talked about how much they missed me and JB. I have to admit, I almost cry when I hear that.
Sarah drops me off a few feet away from JJ's. I walk the rest of the way and frown, noticing the eviction sign on the door. The windows are shut, and there's no sign of anyone here. Still, I hear noise in the back.
I walk around the house and make my way through the overgrown bushes to the back. There is JJ, fixing his bike with a beer in his hand.
"Hey, stranger." I say, plastering a smile on my face.
He turns around immediately, dropping the beer on the table with a wide smile and shiny eyes and runs to me. I laugh when he wraps his arms around my waist and picks me up in the air. My legs wrap around his waist, and I lean down to meet his lips. I can't stop smiling, and neither can he. This shouldn't even count as a kiss. It's mostly teeth clashing since we're laughing and smiling. But I'm counting it anyway.
"I missed you." He says, between pecks to my lips.
"I missed you too."
JJ puts me down and takes a step back, admiring my clean clothes. I also notice he must've taken a shower. His hair looks nicer and his clothes smell like his room. Feels good to be back home, I have to admit.
"So, uhm," I try to ask, "What's with the sign on the door?"
His face falls, and he sniffles, before going back to fixing his bike. "Eviction notice. For, like, nonpayment or whatever." He sighs. "Doesn't matter."
"It does matter, J." I say, coming closer. I lean my weight on my hands, that I put on the table.
"No, it doesn't. This place sucks anyway. Great to be back in the Outer Banks, right?"
His bad attitude regarding being back home reminds me that Sarah didn't know about my father, which means probably none of the Pogues know. I think JJ would like to hear about Big John. He was like a father to him, too.
Hell, my father has been more of a father to JJ than Luke ever has.
"JJ," I call, but he doesn't turn. He stays crouched down, working on his bike. "You don't know either, right?"
"Know what, Bee?"
"My dad. He's alive." I smile, "He's at the Chateau."
That calls his attention, and he turns around, glancing at me with a smile that matches my own, and disbelief in his eyes.
"Seriously?" He asks, and I nod my head. "Damn." He chuckles, his face reflecting the rush of emotions and thoughts that must be going through his head.
"I know." I grin, "He thinks we're close to that same treasure Singh told Kie about."
JJ's face kind of drops for a second but it's enough for me to see it. He nods his head and turns around, scratching the back of his neck. He rests both of his hands on his bike, taking a deep breath, and then resumes his work. I frown. What is going on with him?
"Hey," I call, trying to get him to look at me. "Is everything alright?"
"Everything's perfect. You don't have to worry about me." He mutters without looking at me.
"Well, you may wanna try that again." I squint my eyes. "Something's clearly buggin' you. What is it?"
JJ finally turns around, biting the inside of his cheek. His eyes meet mine, and for the first time in years, I can't guess the thoughts behind them.
"Everything's changed since Poguelandia." He sighs, putting his hand on his waist.
"What?" I don't understand where this is coming from. "What are you talking about?"
"This!" He gestures between us with a pained look. "It's not the same!"
Wait. What?
It catches me by surprise. I wasn't expecting to hear this. What is wrong with us now? We were fine two minutes ago. Was it something I said? Something I did?
"Of course it is!" I try to grab his hand, but he pulls away, flinching as if I had hurted him.
JJ has never shook me off like that. That actually hurts and cuts deep like a knife. I feel my mouth dry, and I have to remember myself to take a deep breath and try to stay calm. We can figure this out. It's JJ.
JJ doesn't like changes. JJ came back to an empty house. That must be it. He's feeling overwhelmed. He's just taking it out on me.
"Alright." I say, my voice deep, trying to hide the heartbreak his action just caused me, "Where is this coming from? You were fine two minutes ago." I try to talk this through.
"Two minutes ago I didn't know you had your life... complete again." He shrugs with a sad smile. "You have a house, a father, a brother... You've got everything that you lost back."
"That's not-"
"And me?" He snorts, "Look at me. What do I got?" He starts panting. He aggressively turns around, and points at his house, "This piece of shit?" He throws whatever is nearest to him at the walls.
"You have me!" I yell, trying to grab his arm again. He tries to shake me off, but I hold on tighter. "Hey, you have me." I repeat my words this time softer, forcing him to look at me by grabbing both sides of his face.
"Do I really?" He questions with red eyes and tears threatening to appear.
"What kind of question is that?" I mutter under my breath. It physically hurts my chest that he is questioning me right now.
"Do I really have you? Cause right now, I feel like– I'm just some loser and- and you-" He sniffles.
"You are not a loser. Okay? You're not a loser." I try to reassure him, trying to swallow my own tears. "I care about you, okay, JJ?" My voice trembles when I see his face break for a second. "I love you. You have me. You have me now and you'll have me forever."
He takes my hands in his, and pushes them softly out of his face, letting them drop by my side. He takes a step back, looking me in the eye as tears fall down his cheek.
I was right. He's scared. He's overwhelmed. There's too much happening. This is what he always does - running away, pushing people away. He hasn't done it till now because I had nothing to lose, we had nothing to lose. That's what we said.
But that hasn't changed! We still have each other. Me having my father back doesn't change a thing about us. I still think about our surf trip. I still love him more than I think I love myself. He just needs to hear me say it, he just needs time to process.
"Listen to me, JJ. Everything's going to be fine. I know you've been through a lot, but we-"
"There's no we, Brizo." He shakes his head with a dry laugh.
I feel my face pale, and my heart stops beating. I'm not sure if I'm still breathing, I think I'm not. My lungs burn so much it feels like I'm burning from the inside out.
I can't control when my lower lip starts trembling. I clutch my stomach, grabbing fists of clothes from my own top, trying to stop my shaking hands. I feel so dizzy all of the sudden, as if the world was spinning around me. I stumble back a step.
"What?" I barely manage to breath out, choking on my tears.
"There's no we." He repeats, wiping away his tears with his hand and dropping his shoulders tiredly. "Your dad's back. He's got another treasure. John B and you are gonna go in some adventure with him and-"
"You know that is not true, JJ." I sob, feeling a very painful tightness in my throat.
He's doing it. He's pushing me away. He's scared. Right? He's just scared. We can fix this-
"I get it, Bee. I do." He laughs dryly. "You got your life back. I'm really happy for you. I am. I promise." JJsays, putting his hand on his chest.
"Stop. Stop. Stop!" I yell, "Don't do this. I know what you're trying to do. You don't have to!"
"I am holding you back!" He yells back at me, running both of his hands through his hair desperately.
"No! You're not! Please, stop, JJ." I sob and beg, holding my chest with both of my hands. "Please, don't. We were fine five minutes ago. Just- just think this through." I fall to my knees, unable to fight the trembling anymore.
I know what he's doing, I know this is just his reaction to being back. I know. Still, it hurts. It hurts so much. I never thought I'd hear those words come out of his mouth. I'm so shocked I can't piece my thoughts together correctly. I'm so nauseous, if I move an inch I'll throw up right here.
Sometimes, JJ lets his intrusive thoughts win. Most of the time, those thoughts involve weed, sex and guns. Some other times, his anxieties and emotions take the best of him. The fact that he was scared that he wasn't going to be good enough for me has been there since we started dating. It's not new.
What is new is this fear of abandonment. He came back to an empty house, an eviction notice and the pieces of my life that I thought lost came back together too. It's entirely understandable that he's scared.
He's self sabotaging right now. How do I make him stop? How can I make this work? What can I do to help?
"I need to go." He says dryly, not even looking me in the eyes.
"You're going to leave me? Right now?" I scoff, sniffling and blinking away the tears. "So we're just not going to talk about this?" I raise my voice, watching him climb on his bike.
"I need to be alone to... think."
I feel devastated. My hands are shaking and my temples hurt from all the crying. I hit my knees when I fell, and I can't believe I'm still sitting on the ground crying like a kid.
Then all that rush of emotions changes, and the blood in my veins starts to boil. It boils and it makes my tears evaporate, and suddenly I'm not sad anymore but angry. I'm furious.
I'm furious that he's managed to hurt me the most when I just got back home and got my dad back.
I'm furious that he dared to break my heart.
I'm furious that he's willing to leave me here, on the ground, sobbing my heart out.
I'm just... furious.
My nostrils flare as I keep my eyes on him. He doesn't dare to look back at me. He doesn't dare to look at what he just destroyed. I crack my knuckles, not feeling my hands trembling anymore.
I glance down at my hands. In my thumb, the metal from JJ's ring shines. I'm still wearing it. I've been wearing it since that day Kie and I got into the sewer to search for the gun that killed Peterkin.
My skin burns where the metal touches it. I press my lips on a line, and aggressively slide it out. I throw the ring at him, feeling my pulse spreading and my heart hammering inside my chest.
He says there's no we? Well, okay. That's fine. He gets his wish.
The ring hits him on the back, startling him. I get up with my chin held high, still glaring at him as he turns around and his features pale watching the ring on the ground beside the wheel of his bike.
JJ looks up for a second, lips parted and shock written all over his features. His eyes find mine, and this is the first time in years I don't feel warmth and safety looking into them.
I don't say anything while he stares. He'll find me when he wants to talk about this like an adult. I'm done. I refuse to do this anymore.
"Have fun with your thoughts, Maybank." I mutter, grinding my teeth, crossing my arms on my chest and walking away.
I can hear him revving the motor of his bike.
I can hear as he drives in the opposite direction.
I can also hear my heart shattering in pieces, because for just a second, I thought he'd follow me.
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please don't hate me.
i'm uploading like, three or four chapters at once just to not leave you with this cliffhanger.
see you guys in the next chapter, lol. xx
-circe