Spencer took a deep breath and wiped his sweaty, clammy hands on the bed beside him. Derek was right here, he was upset, and he was waiting for an explanation. Spencer hated everything about it.
His confidence waned after Hotch left the room, leaving behind only a small amount of courage. It lingered in the air like cologne; noticeably there and yet not strong enough to have a visceral effect. But Spencer needed to learn how to open up. This was his chance, and if he didn't take it, he may not get another one.
"Hey. Um, so, I had a conversation with Hotch." Spencer cringed internally at the rough start- of course he had a conversation with Hotch, that was obvious. "And he helped me to realize some things." He took a shaky breath in. Even though Spencer was watching Derek's movements and therefore was aware of the man's arm extending hesitantly towards him, he still flinched at the contact of Derek's hand on his knee. Derek didn't retract it when Spencer flinched, and he was grateful that the man understood the knee-jerk reaction as simply that and not something personal.
"Yeah? What did he help you with?" Derek inquired. Spencer was glad to see that the previous anger had waned and been replaced by sad curiosity. While sadness is an awful thing, it's surely better than anger, at least for Spencer.
"IhatehurtingmyselfbutIdon'tknowhowtostopbecauseIneedthisandIalsoneedtobeapersonbutIdon'tknowhowtodothat." Spencer spoke so quickly his words muddled together, forming a string of incoherence. His breath was stuck in his throat. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many explanations to give, but he didn't even know where to start. Derek's face flitted between compassion and concern.
"Hey, hey, you're okay. Can you repeat that a little slower, pretty boy?" Derek's thumb moved back and forth over Spencer's knee, a repetitive motion that helped calm him down enough to speak again.
"I hate it. The self-harm, I mean. But no matter how much I hate my dependence on it, the dependence won't go away. And the real problem is that, on most days, I don't even want to bother with recovering. I've tried before, and it wasn't easy. I felt awful the entire time. The only time I feel mildly stable is when I have that to lean back on. And sometimes... sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me away from the drugs." Spencer's voice cracked and he wrapped his arms around his midsection as he spoke. He had never voiced these feelings and thoughts aloud, and it felt quite disconcerting.
"I'm so sorry, Spencer. I am so sorry." Spencer watched the beginnings of tears forming in Derek's eyes and immediately regretted opening up.
"No, I'm sorry. It was too much, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have put all of that on you. It's too much." Spencer began to panic, anxiety sparking every nerve in his body. He had learned long ago that vulnerability ultimately led to punishment.
"Hey, Spencer, it's okay." Derek scooted closer and wrapped his arms around Spencer's stiff frame. "I'm glad you told me. You opening up to me isn't a burden, okay? I want to hear what you think." That was when the waterworks began.
"You don't think it's a burden for me to tell you how I feel? You care about what I feel instead of being mad about it? You're not going to- to punish me?" Spencer's voice was thick and he tasted salt as tears met his tongue after they trickled down his cheeks and through the creases of his lips. Even though he knew Derek wouldn't lie, he had a hard time wrapping his head around something so foreign to him. He released some of the tension from his body and melted closer to Derek.
"Of course I do, pretty boy. You may have grown up with people who didn't care about your feelings, but that's not how it is anymore. You can always come to me with what you are thinking or experiencing, and I promise I will never be angry with you or impose any sort of punishment." Derek rubbed Spencer's back slowly and softly as Spencer continued crying.
Spencer hated crying, but he couldn't stop. Everything was hitting him all at once. The fact that he had been treated so horribly as a child, that he never even had a childhood, the drug addiction stemming from his abduction, that his life had been full of tragedy and trauma, that he couldn't let anyone in, and - arguably most important - that he was addicted to cutting himself. How had he let it get so far?
"I'm- I've ruined myself." Spencer wept. The realizations were all too much. "I'm ruined."
"Oh, Spence, you aren't ruined. You've had hardship, but you're the strongest person I know. You can beat this, I know it." Derek murmured soothingly.
"What if I can't? Because, to be honest, I don't think I can. It's just easier to let it eat away at me instead of trying to destroy it."
"Wouldn't it be easier in the long run to use the energy you have left to destroy it now and save yourself from later suffering?"
"I don't know. Sometimes," Spencer chokes out a sob, "Sometimes I think I'm too far gone. That I can't be saved."
"Nobody is ever too far gone, pretty boy."
"You're wrong. There's too much darkness inside of me; no amount of light is going to make it all go away. It's too expansive, too consuming." Spencer sniffled and used the back of his hand to wipe the moisture covering his cheeks. "Emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, drug addiction, self-harm addiction, abducted and held captive, drugged against my will... should I keep going?" Spencer's breathing began to hasten as he spoke. Just saying all of it aloud made him sick to the stomach.
"No, Spencer. Stop. You're working yourself up again." Derek rubbed his back soothingly as he murmured. "I can't imagine how you feel or what you've been through. I won't sit here and tell you that it's fine, that you're okay. You've had so, so much trauma that just builds and builds. Of course you're going to feel like you're unable to heal." Derek shifted so Spencer's head was leaned up, their eyes meeting. "But that doesn't mean it's true. It'll be hard. So damn hard. But if anyone can do it, it's you. You deserve a better life than this, Spencer."
"That's what Hotch said." Spencer laughed wetly and turned himself so he could bury his face into Derek's chest. He wrapped his arms around his friend so that they were fully entwined.
"Hotch is a smart man." The smile was evident in Derek's words.
"Yeah. He really is." Spencer affirmed. "Speaking of Hotch... this isn't really what I meant to talk about. Not all of it, at least." "What else did you want to talk about, pretty boy?" Derek asked. Spencer pulled back and out of the hug so they were sitting across from each other before he began speaking.
"You know just as well as I do that severely abused children grow up to be closed-off adults. We've seen it plenty of times. And, well, I'm that adult. The one who shuts himself off from everyone and everything." Spencer took a deep breath in and steadied himself for the next part of his speech. "I learned how to turn it all off. That includes emotions. Really all I do is work, sleep, eat, or self-destruct. I'm not normal, I don't know how to be a person like you. It doesn't help when you add Autism to the mix." Spencer laughed wryly.
"What do you think would happen if you tried to do something other than your four usual habits?" Derek asked.
"I don't know. Anxiety, probably. I wouldn't even know where to start."
"You know, being different isn't always a bad thing."
"It is when different means unstable and addicted to self-destruction."
"You got me on that one, pretty boy." Derek chuckled. "But really, it's okay to be different. Obviously it's important to cut out the bad coping mechanisms-" Spencer broke out into a fit of laughter before Derek could finish.
"You said," Spencer gasped for breath as he giggled, "You said," gasp, "cut out!" Spencer fell backwards on the bed as Derek processed what he was saying.
"Oh. Oh. Spencer, I didn't even think about it." Derek couldn't help but fall back and join Spencer in his uncontrollable laughter, the two chuckling at the unfortunately placed phrase.
After a minute, Spencer's laughter fizzled out and he turned sideways to look at Derek. A goofy smile lit up his face when Derek followed suit and their eyes met. The spark of amusement faded out from Derek's eyes, and Spencer watched it turn into something undecipherable.
"You said something about being closed off. I think you've made some progress on that, at least with me." Derek said, reaching up to swipe the hair that had fallen over Spencer's eyes. Spencer sighed; he loved it when Derek did that.
"I guess you're just easy to open up to." Spencer replied. Hotch's words bounced around in his head then. 'They've already taken so much from you, don't you dare allow them anything else. Especially not your capacity to love.' Spencer hesitated, unsure of how to put words to his emotions.
"Hey, you don't have to tell me anything if you're not comfortable with it. I want you to open up on your terms, not because you feel like you need to." Derek sensed his nervousness and jumped in.
"No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to figure out how to say this." Spencer gulped and hoped he wasn't making the wrong decision. "I'm really bad at this, okay? I've never done it before and so I don't know what I'm doing. No amount of research makes this any more comprehensible-"
"Spencer, breath. It's just me. Say what you need to, it doesn't matter how it comes out. I won't judge anything you say, okay?" Derek murmured, eyes locked to Spencer's. Spencer let out a sigh of relief and gave Derek a small nod.
"I realized I'm really bad about not letting people in and ignoring important emotions. But the more I let you in, the more confusing it gets. Because you make it hard to ignore my feelings." Spencer bit the inside of his lip nervously, the maintained eye contact making him both uncomfortable and excited. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like you and want to learn how to let myself feel it if you feel the same way too." The nerves became too much and Spencer looked away, focusing on his fidgeting hands.
"Spencer. Look at me." Spencer's breath caught in his throat when Derek reached down and placed a finger below his chin, tilting his head back up to reconnect their gazes. "I would love that." Derek whispered. Smiles grew on each of their faces, lips pulling wider and wider.
"So... what does this mean?" Spencer asked nervously. "I've never done this before. I am way out of my depth here."
"Well, everyone is different. Some people would jump right in, others would move slowly. I think it would be best for us to explore this slowly, because I don't want anything to get in the way or take priority over your recovery." Derek replied.
"Would you still, well, stay with me? As in, at my house, sharing a bed?" Spencer inquired. "You help the nightmares to be less intense."
"Of course I will, pretty boy. How about we worry about logistics later and get some sleep? We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. Hotch told me they have a lead." Derek grabbed Spencer's hand and sat up, pulling him up as well. They were so close their thighs were touching. Spencer shivered at the electricity buzzing in his entire body.
"Did he say what the lead was?" Spencer asked, trying to ignore the urge to push Derek back on the bed and kiss him senseless. He wasn't sure where these urges were coming from. They scared him, if he was being honest. Spencer had never, not once, had a desire to do anything so bold. Until now. Until Derek.
"Nope. All I know is they have one, that's all he messaged me." Derek squeezed Spencer's hand and released it, standing up.
"Wait!" Spencer burst out, stopping Derek in his tracks.
"Hm? Are you okay, Spence?" Confusion painted Derek's countenance.
"Yes. No. Yes?" Spencer sputtered. "I just- I don't know." He deflated slightly, the idea of being too aggressive scaring him.
"Hey, no, none of that. Tell me what you were thinking." Derek sat back down beside Spencer. Instead of answering him, Spencer looked into the man's eyes and began to lean closer, eyes fluttering closed as their foreheads rested together. Spencer didn't know how - maybe some animalistic instinct inside of him took over - but his body knew exactly what to do. Knew how to gently place his lips atop Derek's, how to reach up and hold the back of Derek's neck to pull him even closer, how to lean into Derek's hand as it cupped his cheek.
The kiss didn't last long, but that didn't matter. Spencer had always had a soft spot for short and sweet. Plus, he needed to take things slow. In short, Spencer was happy. So damn happy. After separating their lips, they left their foreheads against each other's for a few minutes, relishing the closeness of their bodies.
"I think we should probably get some sleep." Spencer breathed, pulling back slowly. Derek hummed in agreement and gripped Spencer's hand.
"Let's hurry, yeah? I'm ready to lay with you." Derek pressed a quick kiss to Spencer's forehead - causing Spencer to grin - before heading to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Spencer used the time to process what had just happened. How had he been so lucky? In that moment, all other things were forgotten. He didn't care about the addictions, the depression, nothing. They paled in comparison to the feelings he was experiencing now. It was a sweet, pure bliss.
Spencer was still smiling like an idiot when Derek came back.
~~~
"Good morning Reid, Morgan." Hotch greeted the two as they entered the meeting room at the precinct.
"Morning." Spencer smiled, earning a look from Hotch.
"I'm assuming you both made up?" Hotch asked.
"Yeah, we're good." Spencer moved to look at the paperwork sitting on the table in the room. They had arrived early - again - to go over what they had missed the previous day.
"Good." Hotch's face softened and the corners of his lips twitched upwards. "You both know I need to be aware if some sort of relationship begins." He warned sternly, but the hint of a smile didn't leave his face.
"Of course. We'll come to you if anything happens." Derek said, speaking for the both of them. Spencer's face was flushed. The whole 'emotions' thing was still very new to him.
"So, we received new information yesterday." Hotch informed them, pointing at the board. "Will came back into the station. Apparently, he knew more than he originally shared with us. He went to his parents first and they decided to bring him down. According to him, he was threatened. The threat was anonymous and sent through the website we've been investigating. It explicitly stated he would be killed if he told anyone what he knew."
"So, he came in and told us something even though his life was at stake?" Derek asked incredulously.
"Well, it's not all that surprising. If the kid is suicidal, he could've seen this as his out. A way to die without himself being at blame. It's actually a common thing for suicidal people, to put themselves in risky situations like that." Spencer mumbled, understanding lacing his words.
"Yes. Our two major suspects as of now are Layla and Clara." Hotch stated with certainty. "Garcia tracked down the anonymous user - who happens to be the owner of the site - that sent him the message and gave us a location. Apparently, both girls live in a group home on the outskirts of Atlanta, not too far from the hospital. Now, we just have to figure out which one sent the message. That in itself is a big indicator that they committed the crimes."
"Makes sense. They both seemed off, as if they either know something or are behind this whole thing. What I don't get is why." Derek wondered aloud.
"Well, maybe-" Spencer started to speak but was cut off by the local detective bursting into their room.
"We've got another victim. Young male." He spoke frantically.
"Detective Beckman, is it Will?" Spencer asked, his heart sinking at the thought.
"Yes." Beckman sighed. "We should have never let him go home." He rubbed his temples, obviously distressed.
"You had an officer posted outside of his house, correct?" Hotch inquired.
"Yes. He claims that he saw nothing out of the ordinary the entire time he was there, and he didn't know anything until the family found the boy this morning. About five minutes ago, his older sister went to wake him up for school, but he was long dead by then." Beckman wrung his hands as he spoke.
"He was found in his own home?" Hotch asked, surprised. "That doesn't fit with the other murders."
"The MO was fairly similar. His wrists were slit, done postmortem. We'll have to wait for Toxicology to see if there was cyanide in him at the time of death like the others. This time, there were also stab wounds to the torso and defensive wounds to his hands and wrists."
"Detective Beckman, would you please give us the address so we can examine the crime scene?" Hotch was already packing up his belongings.
"Of course. I'll write it down for you." Beckman pulled a small notebook and pen from his pocket and scribbled it down. "Here. It's a rough scene, so be prepared. Although, you guys see this every day, so you guys might not classify it as such." The detective nodded curtly before heading back to his office.
Morgan, come with me. Reid, you stay here and... go over the paperwork to make sure it's done correctly." It was obvious that Hotch was doing his best to make an excuse to keep Spencer out of the field.
"I can go out to the scene. I want to." Spencer stated firmly. "I'm sick of having to stand on the sidelines. I can handle this."
"Spencer, you just had an incident yesterday. That doesn't scream 'I can handle this' to me." Derek's eyebrows were furrowed with concern.
"You could use me out there. The rest of the team isn't here yet, so I'm your best option. Both of you know how carefully I investigate, and you both know deep down that I would be a huge asset on the scene." Spencer argued. Derek opened his mouth to reply, but Hotch held up a hand to silence him.
"Reid, you make a good point. You can join us." Hotch agreed, and Spencer's face lit up. "Don't get too excited, though. One sign of distress and you're gone, got it?"
"Yeah. Yes. I've got it, sir." Spencer resisted the urge to jump up and down in excitement, instead opting to smile at Derek. However, when he met Derek's eyes, he found anger.
"Hotch. He's not ready." Derek's eyes swept over to Hotch, and he spoke with a voice hard as stone.
"If he says he is, we have to at least give him a chance. We do need him out there." Hotch replied. "That is my final decision."
"Alright." Derek huffed, turning to exit the room. Sending Hotch a concerned look, Spencer followed Derek, and Hotch walked behind them. It was bound to be an uncomfortable ride.
~~~
The drive to the scene was silent, frustration hanging in the air like a cloud, drowning them in shadow. Spencer had opted for the backseat, wanting to escape the pair of eyes watching his every move.
"We're here." Hotch's voice snapped Spencer out of his head. As soon as he looked out of the window, his heart sunk. Will's parents were waiting on the curb, huddled together with his older sister - Caitlyn, they had been told. Spencer had bonded with Will, something he knew he shouldn't have done. Emotions get in the way of work; it was time to compartmentalize. The trio of agents approached the grieving family.
"Hello, my name is Agent Hotchner, or Hotch for short. These are Agents Reid and Morgan, although I believe you've already met Morgan."
"Yes, he was one of the agents we spoke with at the police department." Will's father confirmed. "I'm guessing you already know this, but I'm Cameron Boyd. This is my wife, Heidi, and my daughter, Caitlyn."
"Nice to formally meet you. Now, I know this is extremely difficult for you all, and I am very sorry for your loss." Hotch murmured. "I hate to do this, but I need to ask you all some questions."
"We understand." Cameron's voice cracked. It seemed as though he were using every last dreg of strength he had to stay calm and act as a rock for the family.
"Did he seem off last night after he returned home? More depressed than usual?" Hotch questioned.
"Nothing out of the ordinary. He was quiet and anxious, but that's his normal." Heidi croaked. Tears were still streaming down her face. Spencer felt ill.
"Had he spoken of suicide or engaged in any suicidal or self-harming behaviors?" This time, it was Derek who asked.
"We aren't sure. He is - was - very secretive. If he harmed himself, we have no idea." Heidi replied, Cameron seemingly unsettled by the question.
"So, do you think that your son may have killed himself? Is there any possibility that would be the case?" Spencer asked softly.
"No! No, he wouldn't. He promised me." Will's sister, Caitlyn, cried. "He promised me he wouldn't do that." Her breathing began to pick up, eyes blown wide, and she sunk down to the concrete below them. Spencer, recognizing the signs of an oncoming panic attack, joined her on the ground.
"Hey, hey, you're okay. I want you to breath with me, okay? Just follow my breathing pattern. In... hold it... and out." Spencer spoke slowly, guiding her through the technique. Caitlyn's hyperventilation had slowed. She was still breathing faster than normal, but Spencer could tell she was coming down. "Can I touch you?" He asked gently.
"Yes?" The girl answered hesitantly. Spencer reached out and gently wrapped his hands around her own. He led them to the ground below her.
"Do you feel that?" Spencer asked.
"Yeah."
"That's the concrete. The street we're currently sitting on." Spencer said, continuing after Caitlyn gave him a nod of understanding. "You're here. You're safe. That concrete right there, the gritty and warm feeling on your hands, proves that. Come back here, okay? Focus on that instead of your thoughts."
"Okay." Caitlyn breathed, closing her eyes. After a few moments, she reopened her eyes. "Thank you." It was only a whisper, but Spencer heard it.
"Of course." Spencer replied. "Do you feel a little better now?"
"Yeah. I'm still really anxious, but I don't feel like I'm dying anymore." Caitlyn stopped, biting her lip to stop the goofy smile creeping on her face. "Oops. That was bad timing."
"Do you want to stay down here or stand up? Don't feel obligated to stand up, just keep yourself firmly planted and focus on the concrete until you feel comfortable getting up."
"Thank you. So much. You're a lifesa- you're a good guy." Spencer had to contain a laugh at the way she cut herself off again with a smile struggling to adorn her features. He could tell she had a good sense of humor.
"Alright. We should probably head inside. We'll probably need to ask more questions, but we can wait until you guys are more prepared to do so." Spencer grunted as he stood up, accepting Derek's helping hand gratefully. As much as he wanted to keep holding it, Spencer let go upon finding his footing.
"Thank you." Cameron said to Spencer. "Thank you for helping her." His voice was thick with emotion as he squatted down to Caitlyn's level.
"No problem at all." Spencer murmured before turning away. He couldn't stand looking any longer, knowing it would make him cry.
The group parted from the Boyd family and walked up to the house. They had to duck under multiple layers of police tape, each one bringing a strike of anxiety through Spencer's heart. As he pulled on his gloves, he squeezed his eyes shut and steeled himself before crossing the threshold and entering the house.
They were immediately met with the forensics team and state detectives. After Hotch conversed with them, asking where Will's bedroom was, they headed off down a long hallway. Spencer shivered as they walked through it. Family photos decorated the walls, some recent and some from when the children were only toddlers. He had to tear his eyes away before it hit him any harder. Spencer could not have a breakdown, especially not before they even entered the room.
"Reid, are you sure you're ready for this?" Derek asked hesitantly as they slowed to a stop outside of the bedroom.
"Yes, Morgan. Now stop asking me that." Spencer huffed, pushing past him to get a good look at the room. His jaw quite literally dropped at the scene, and he heard his fellow agents gasp behind him.
"Damn. They didn't tell us about that."