{CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN}
"I'm already causing you pain."
Harlow's chest tightened as her constricted breathing snapped against her ribs. Her eyes were wide, blinking rapidly, as she scanned the room, watching as it started to slowly blur. The seconds felt like minutes as her panic ensued, all of her pent up emotions exploding inside her chest. The guilt was eating her from the inside out - eating her alive. She couldn't stop the spiral of shame and upset, leaving her chocking back sobs. She was loosing sense of her surroundings as she criticised herself.
Why couldn't she have just held James' hand? Why did she have to flinch?
Her hands tightened around the edge of a counter as she leaned into it. Her hands gripping it to centre herself. Her heart felt like it was thundering in her chest. Her mind was too full with words to hear the door to the kitchen swing open, too preoccupied with the muddle that was her mental state. "Fuck." She repeated under her breath, her words full of poison and disgust. What the fuck was wrong with her? She should've just held his hand.
She suddenly felt weight against her back causing compression, which actually brought the girl some comfort, given that she hadn't figured out how this feeling was occurring. The compression helped her heart beat to decrease in pace and improve her previously shallow breathing. Harlow inhaled slowly, her glossy eyes finally making there way to her hands which were stretched out in front of her. Over the next few moments her senses started to slowly come back and she regained a smidge of control. Her eyebrows furrowed as she felt a small puff of air against her neck. Her eyes slowly raked from her hands and to her shoulders where two arms were locked around her body.
Harlow exhaled shakily, breaking free and pushing herself off the counter and away from the individual. She spun around, her eyes wide with fear as she looked back at the messy haired boy. Immediately, tears started to form in her eyes once again as she stared at the guilty boy.
"Harlow I'm sorry- I just thought it'd help." He told her gently, taking a small step towards her.
"No!" She snapped in panic, holding her palm out toward him to halt his movements. "Please, just stay away from me." She begged tearfully, pain etched across her face.
James sighed softly, hating seeing her that way. "Harlow I'm not scared of you." He calmly told her, his eyes showing his words were genuine.
Harlow shook her head defiantly, forcing his hollow words from her ears. She didn't care if he was being genuine. She could accept that he wasn't scared of who she was before she was taken. But, Harlow's wasn't the same. While in captivity she had completely lost her mind, flicking from murderous to suicidal all too quickly to keep track. She shrunk in on herself, her mind filling with all the negative thoughts that only worsened her condition.
"You don't understand." She spoke through clenched teeth, forcing herself to even reply to James despite not wanting to. Honestly, Harlow wanted to roll into a ditch and never get out.
James nodded his head softly and he took a step back. "Then help me to understand." He suggested, more so asked, hoping Harlow would let him in. James couldn't bare the thought of Harlow reverting back to the girl that they had met on the train after years. She had come so far and the last thing she needed was to be beaten back to who she hated being.
Harlow's eyes flickered over the boys face as she slowly thought over his idea. "I can't." She muttered weakly, her tense body starting to shake from how she was holding herself. "You won't be able to look at me." She added, trying to stress just how bad she had been.
James didn't take her words to mean much. His opinion on her wouldn't change because of what she did while being abused and kept captive. "Nothing you can tell me will scare me. Nothing you can tell any of us will make us see you any differently."
Those words actually hit Harlow's ears and she let them digest in her system. There was a certain need to prove James wrong in this situation. Harlow couldn't help but think he was being naive for believing nothing she could ever tell him would make him view her differently. It was a completely unrealistic statement.
"Fine..." she gave in, feeling small as she moved to once again lean against the counter. "There were times when it'd feel like I was waking up but I was actually killing someone. It would be like I was opening my eyes for the first time yet there would be blood everywhere, all over my hands and body, and then there'd be a corpse- a dead body just under my hands. I'd freak out and start making them look like the people that kept me locked up to try and make myself feel better and less guilty. It only made it worse." She revealed, admitting someone that she knew was deeply disturbing.
James swallowed thickly, trying to hide his worry. "How would you make them look like them?" He asked, trying to clearly understand what she did.
Harlow paused, figuring he didn't really want to know. But when he gestured she continued, "I'd cut their faces and alter them. It wasn't exact or anything but my brain helped me see it." She tried to explain, but also defended herself when she found herself struggling to even explain what she did.
James made sure his eyes were locked on hers. "I'm not scared of you." He claimed slowly, pushing away all of his shock from her confession, not having know what to expect.
Harlow couldn't accept his answer, "How about when I met the angel of death. I was trying to die, just lying there lifelessly but he told me it wasn't my time yet. I would be dead if I could've been." She blurted, refusing to believe James couldn't not be scared of her. She was an unhinged killing machine.
James paused, her confession cutting deep in his chest. He was lost for words as he stared back at the girl. Harlow could see his whole face drop with the news. He looked defeated and depressed, something Harlow hadn't wanted to cause. There she goes again. Fucking everything up, she thought, tightening her fist at her side. Her fist was wavering as she fought the urge to slam it against the nearby counter or wall. She wished she hadn't of said anything at all.
After a moment James unfroze, clearly battling the thoughts in his head. "I'm not scared of you Harlow." He repeated once more, his tone full of emotion that he was trying to hide. "You didn't have a choice."
Harlow shook her head, a whimper leaving her lips. "No James. You have to be scared of me. I enjoy killing people, I like the power that comes with it." She admitted through sobs, her cheeks tinting pink as they got covered in tears. "You should be scared of me because I am. I'm scared of what I've done and what I can do. I just wanna keep you guys safe."
"I'll never be scared of you Harlow... because I know you. i know you'll keep me safe. I know that you will never purposefully hurt me. I trust you." James expessed, keeping his tone firm as he tried his best to reassure her.
Harlow looked James directly in the eyes, her chin crinkling. "But you shouldn't." She stayed stubborn, bringing her hand up to paw her face, wiping away her tears. Harlow took in a shaky breath, pushing herself off the counter. James watched her in confusion as she tried to get rid of all implication that she had been crying.
James let his eyes close, screwing them shut for a second. "Harlow you can't let this ruin who you are. I know I don't understand. I know that. But please, don't go away." He practically begged, pressing his hands against his thighs to stop him from reaching out to her. He felt guilty about all his pestering and he felt bad that even though she had been through hell, he still had expectations from her. He knew that Harlow would need time to recover and heal, just looking at her showed all the torture she had been through, but he was scared that she would never come back. He worried that if she was going to leave them again, she's never return.
Harlow disappearing had started to become a reoccurring theme. One that James, and the rest of the boys feared. The first time around, she disappeared mid Christmas dance. Even though the boys had been worried about it, those feeling were minuscule to what they felt here the recent months during her kidnapping.
Harlow paused, chewing on her bottom lip as she thought deeply about what she wanted, or better yet what she had to do. She always hated letting down the boys but it was better to disappoint them than murder them. "I'm sorry James but it's just not that simple-"
"We're not gonna just let you leave us again." He cut her off, speaking with force to his voice. "We've only just got you back. That's not- it's not fair." James whined, his voice faltering and pitch rising from the emotion that he was trying to keep at bay. "We need you here... with us." He cried, his tone trembling as it all became to much. James sniffed shamefully, trying to keep calm. He felt foolish getting so emotional, even though he wasn't the one that has been held captive for months.
Harlow found herself sniffing as well, her face contorting in pain as James started to silently cry. His face was stiff as he tried to stop himself from crying but he couldn't. He dipped his head down, his arm scratching at the back of his neck, as his previous complex emotions started to mix with feelings of shame.
"I'm already causing you pain." She whispered, her voice weighed down by all her guilt. In her mind, her existence itself created so much chaos and pain to everyone around her. Which was exactly why she believed they'd all be better off without her.
James let out a loud sob, it sounded painful in his chest. Harlow let out a shaky breath in response, her hand reaching up to her mouth. The teenage boy failed to hold back, his tears starting to stream down his face. He fell apart, finally letting the emotions that had been building up for months out. He had spent ages being the one that tried to stay positive especially in comparison to Sirius. He couldn't count the number of times he had to deal with Sirius acting like a knob. All the hours he would spend while Peter panicked about everything. Remus was the person that was real there for him during it all. James could never find it within himself to actually tell Remus about his anxieties but when he was around Remus he didn't have to put on the positive guy act. He had started to have nightmares after her disappearance. They would be full of scenarios of Harlow dying. James would wake up crying, fearing that he'd never see Harlow again.
Looking back on this moment, Harlow would probably never be able to figure out her thoughts leading up to her actions. She had been having a deep chat with James about all the reasons she couldn't trust herself, and feared being around them. Yet, seeing James heartbroken in front of her, she acted in an unpredictable way. She moved slowly, trying to prevent any pain she could cause him. Harlow softly and carefully wrapped her arms around James' centre, shocking him by bringing him into a hug.
James let out a soft whimper, letting his chin rest on top of her ginger hair. He exhaled quietly, gently putting his arms around her frame. He worried about potentially pressing on a painful wound. The last thing James wanted was to ruin the moment by causing her any further pain. It wasn't just the circumstances of the moment. James would never dream of inflicting pain onto Harlow. He most likely would never do it physically, but emotionally - he potentially could.
Harlow remained in James' arms, needing the comfort just as much as him. She had weak moments like these, similar to when she gently grasped Jasmine's hand when she was at the front door. The opportunity for comfort and familiarity managed to trump all her will power and stubbornness. Her head was tucked under his as she slowly inhaled and exhaled. Keeping her breathing slow so she could regain full control of her whole body. Her lungs had a lingering burn from her struggled breathing and sobs. James breathing started to regulate, but Harlow could still hear that it was laboured.
The teen girls mind started to wander. Ending up focused on James. She couldn't believe the amount of comfort that she was receiving from him through a hug. There was just something so relaxing about being in his arm and against his body. The girl didn't exactly know what was making her feel that way, but in that moment she did doubt her previous words. For a split second, Harlow knew she could never hurt him, or her other friends. She was certain that she would never be able to hurt them, even if she was controlled. There was a weird bodily reaction to being near to them that instantly helped her calm and reminded her of everything she was missing - which was maybe why the reunion was so painful. Harlow was reminded of exactly what she had missed.
She had missed out on the exams, the important Quidditch games and all of the parties. Harlow had missed out on key moments with the boys that she'd never get back. She was so sick of her past controlling the rest of her life, and it still was. Harlow knew she'd never truly be free from Hydra. Even if they were extinct and inactive, the impacts would be long lasting. Harlow's body would never fully heal from the abuse and mistreatment that she suffered. She'd forever have many scars that reminded her of every second of torture.
Harlow pulled back, leaving her hands lingering on his sides. Her eyes zoned into his face, noting his reddened eyes and blotchy face. She moved her hands carefully up to his face, laying her hands on his face. Her breathing stilled as she gently wiped his cheeks and under eyes with the pads of her thumbs. James sucked in a breath as his eyes stared into hers, taking enjoyment in the feeling of her hands on his face. The action somehow felt more intimate than their hug.
"I'm sorry for getting upset." James shamefully apologised, "I know I don't have the right to, especially after everything you've been through." He added, his eyes dropping from hers.
Harlow shook her head, using her hands on his face to make him look at her. "Don't say that." She told him quietly, "Never apologise for crying. Nobodies else's trauma is comparable to your own. What I've gone through can't diminish your pain, okay? It's important that you know that." She reasoned. Her hand that grasped his chin moved to his shoulder, and her other gently clamped his other shoulder. Their eyes contact stayed locked as Harlow let her hands trial down his arms and to his hands.
"Okay." He agreed under his breath, moving his hands so they could hold properly onto Harlow's. His eyes were unable to move from her, taking great joy in staring back at her.
Harlow reluctantly removed her eyes from his, squeezing his hands before letting go. "We should go back through." She told him as she chewed at the inside in her cheek.
James cleared his throat while his hands fell to his side. "Yeah- yeah of course." He quickly agreed, forcing a smile onto his face as he moved over to the door and pulled it open.
Harlow walked through the door that was held open by James, thanking him for being a gentleman. She made her way back over to the group who were sat silently, tension thick like clouds looming over them. The pair joined the group on the couches, Harlow choosing to sit next to James instead of on the armchair that she had originally sat on. The corners of James' lips tugged upwards at the gesture, his body unknowingly relaxing just a little bit more by her side.
Harlow's eyes raked over the group. They first landed on Remus and Finnic, who were sat next to each other. She noticed the way their legs were pressed together, causing the girl to become suspicious. She moved on to Peter who was on the other side of Remus. It was obvious that while they were in the kitchen, the boy had been upset. His face was flushed and glistening from poorly wiped away tears. The way Peter was leaning in towards Remus, led Harlow to know that Remus had been comforting his friend. Something that Harlow was certain had happened often. Hey eyes moved to Jasmine who was sat on the ground with her back against the sofa. Her arms was up and stretched so her hand could be intertwined with Finnic's. And Sirius was sat by himself on one of the arm chairs, staring over at the wall.
Harlow cleared her throat aloud, effectively gaining everyone's attention. Her hands played with each other, pinching the skin in between her thumb and pointer finger. "I -eh- I have something that I want to tell you guys." She stated, gulping nervously as everyone's eyes set firmly onto the girl. She tried her best to properly explain the news of her mum and dad. She revealed to them that their alliance had been with Hydra all along while they raised her. She mentioned how she found out, and what it was like to see them again.
She very briefly told them about her mother's death and informed them on her father being alive and well. Subconsciously, while Harlow was explaining everything she had tried to make her father sound better than he was. She placed blame on her mum, but managed to keep her dad in a slightly better light. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that all throughout her childhood, her dad had always been the one that was there for her. He was always caring and loving towards Harlow, well she had thought so. Charlotte was either a bad actor or just hated Harlow enough to never be supportive. She pushed her to her breaking points at home and later under Hydra's control. But still, her father wasn't innocent. However, he was alive. Which meant there was potential for Joseph to redeem himself. Harlow couldn't have her friends hating him, especially since she couldn't help but cling to the thought of him in her life.
Sirius, who has been waiting to explode, couldn't contain his thoughts any longer. He listened to Harlow explain her childhood, but he was bored. He didn't really care about all of that stuff, in that moment all he wanted to hear was what she was going to do. What Harlow was going to do next. Her actions were always unexpected and unpredictable. "So what's going to happen next?" He questioned, cutting off the girl who bit her bottom lip at the unwanted intrusion.
"What are you going to do next?"
Harlow's eyebrows scrunched up at his words. Her eyes slowly drifted from Sirius and back over to James, who had managed to bring her comfort only moment earlier. The body caught her gaze and sent her a small reassuring smile, nodding his head at her. "I don't- I don't know." She admitted shamefully, looking down at her dirty nails.
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