(thanks to that song^^ i got so motivated. unedited~)
CHAPTER 40
JEON JUNGKOOK
I began drafting my CV's by nine in the morning, putting the residency program on top of my concerns. I'd already attached files in my letter yesterday to the TA job details that my former professor had sent me, but the opportunity still didn't bring any relief. I wanted to be grateful, but I'd get reminded of why I was doing this in the first place and I'd think, I wasn't even supposed to be doing this at all. I had a nice job just a week ago, and while it could be a hellhole sometimes, I was being useful. If it kept going this way, I might have to abate my expenses and move to a cheaper place. I pushed myself away from my computer and slumped on the couch, seeing the miserably emptied lunch takeout boxes until it came crashing back—
These past few days I was rattling around my apartment with practically nothing to do.
I had an empty routine.
Soohyun would text me whenever she got a chance and I felt so upset again waiting around for any messages that would keep me company, and I knew she couldn't be slacking at work just so I wouldn't get bored to death. I had an itch to keep myself preoccupied, be productive like everyone else, and get my hands moving.
It was hard to revel in the little things. I used to pray for times like this— to be able to appreciate staring down at the city through my window, or having not to eat in rush, to pause and peacefully sit for hours. Now it was like my brain was broken and even if someone opened it like a lid to inspect for defects, they wouldn't figure it out. And it was a helpless thought I shouldn't be entertaining, because I must get better. Get better, get fucking bet—I threw an arm over my eyes, my entire body sighing. I couldn't calm myself that moment; my pulsing heartbeat was unwavering and my chest so filled with unnamed emotions thriving and never leaving yet I felt like I couldn't drive them out.
I couldn't cry. Then I wondered why.
I pushed myself off the couch and padded over to the kitchen, drinking water and standing by the fridge. I was gasping for air, my brain a muddled mess. Glancing down and watching the lines across the floor, I composed my breathing. I repeated things will be alright in my head, just like my old therapist said so, the phrase nearly a meaningless amalgam of words but I tried picturing myself on the other side of things: me in a better situation.
. . .
I grew even crankier thinking I'd only slept through the rest of the afternoon and woke up around the time I had to cook for dinner. I considered writing it off tonight as I had no appetite, but Soohyun asked if I had already eaten and I felt bad about lying. I ordered in a meal instead, waiting in the living room, flipping through shows on Netflix, my feet propped up on the center table. Nothing interested me enough. I wasn't this insatiably lazy, which was frustrating. Even a shower sounded gruesome today.
The food arrived and I instantly felt full after a few bites. I kept the leftovers in the fridge and went back to face the computer. The mouse clicks I made filled the silence, the monitor sputtering gently, and the screen the only most alive thing in the room. I checked my emails. No response. Leaning back until my shoulders landed against the seat, the frustration started to gradually creep in. I breathed in the suffocating evening air, hoping I could be at home with myself, with everything. I was almost adrift, but with my feet on fire. The warmth was absolutely unwelcome.
. . .
"Soo—"
"Hey, sorry—"
"Why are you here—"
"—I should have not come unannounced, right?"
I pressed my lips together, stepping back a little, seeing my girlfriend unsure of her presence at my doorstep on a Sunday morning. I internally freaked out over the things I hadn't done yet: my laundry, breakfast— a shower. A simple hygiene practice that I had missed yesterday. Fucking pathetic. I let go of the door and turned my back to Soohyun, heading back into my room to throw on a fresh oversized shirt.
"Uh, what were you doing earlier?" Soohyun asked in a careful voice when I got out.
I wasn't doing anything significant. In fact, I was kicking around. In my unkempt bed. I should probably change my sheets. I hadn't left my house since the other day which was, of course, absurd. Take a walk outside was something people would advise, and in theory, it seemed like a nice activity. In practice, however, it was ridiculous in my case. I couldn't even bring myself to wash my hair. And they'd also tell me, this was my fault that I wasn't helping myself, that I was refusing to do so, and it was another wave of realization—I must have really been intentionally pressing close against the burning edge of cig, declining any hand that would get me away.
But I was trying to learn to look at the other end, to long for it. It was just my hands, they'd always liked the gritty flames, because they ignited me. They kept me going.
"You should have texted me or something," I said, surprising my own ears. I didn't mean to sound like I was mad about her visit, but I'd been frustrated since yesterday and the noise of everything around me was unnerving.
Soohyun's mouth agape. "Yeah..." she trailed off. "I'll do that next time I come here." Her eyes zeroed in on me, her face licked by worry. They suddenly softened. My throat closed in. "I was thinking we could eat outside."
"I don't feel like going out."
She nodded. "Okay. We should just stay here. Are you okay with that? Me staying?"
I shrugged. "Yeah, no worries."
"I haven't had breakfast yet."
"Me, too. Do you want me to cook something?" I said.
She shifted the topic, taking in the sight of me. "Did you sleep well?"
I looked away. "Yes. What else was there to do?" God, I was being snarky.
But Soohyun looked like she didn't mind it. Her face stayed kind, so patient. She acted like she didn't notice the tone I used, the lack of enthusiasm, that I was unwell. Like she knew what I was feeling. That it was okay.
It only made me feel more bad about myself.
I sat on the other end of the sofa, anxiously watching her observe my place. It was her first time coming over although she'd had my address since the first week we started dating. She seemed so painfully polite as if she was in a stranger's house and she needed to behave. So I told her, "Make yourself at home."
Soohyun let out a chuckle, reaching over to take my hand but I angled away, feeling like a real jerk. I was quick to explain, skin crumbling in utter shame. "I haven't showered since yesterday so I don't smell nice and I meant to wash up but I keep forgetting—"
"It's alright," she reassured me, placing her hand back in her lap, eyes warm and understanding.
"I've been having bad days, is all," I blurted out.
Soohyun nodded again, glancing at me intently. "Wanna talk about it?"
"I just... don't feel good all the time."
"I'm sorry."
"I like you here, but I also feel kind of mad at the world. Don't know exactly why."
"Hmm."
"I'm not mad at you—"
She cut me off. "I know. I never thought that it's about me or us. This is a hard time for you... Any progress with the job search?"
"Nothing."
"Let's give it a few more days. Or weeks."
"And rot here for weeks or months, too?"
"I know having to wait is frustrating. We don't have patience for everything, but it's what we should do for the meantime."
I was rambling the next moment. "I hate this. I hate—I-I'm not doing anything! I've gotten so lazy. All I do is sleep and eat, stare at the fucking wall. I can't even go to my parents and tell them what happened because I'm not ready and they'll ask why I am just bumming around—"
"You are not."
I shoved the bitterness down my stomach. "It's so annoying that I'm complaining about my life but..."
"You feel that your life is going bad. You can complain about it, love."
"We all have these unproductive days but the thing is, I don't have a job. That's it. I have nothing else to look forward to and it's just—I'm stuck here all day and I haven't touched anything in the kitchen because I don't feel like making myself food, and I feel so weak having to sit or lay down but I also cannot find it in myself to do a single task. I just messed around on my phone the other day and read tons of articles I only forgot right after I finished. This doesn't make sense." I knew I appeared indignant. My fists clenched. I hadn't been this infuriated in a long time and I wanted an outlet, but I didn't know how to work through it without being mean. I thought I had gotten over the unfairness of things, but figured I'd only repressed and bottled it all up.
Over the next hour, I could feel Soohyun watching me outwardly kick up a fuss about anything my eyes found disturbing: the dirty dishes, dust on the corners I had missed when I attempted cleaning, every stuff I'd misplaced. Anything out of order. I didn't say much but would unknowingly release tension by putting back stuff in their right places a bit harsher and louder, but not enough to scare Soohyun or even myself. She let me silently vent out. Half an hour later, I went completely quiet, until Soohyun called over her shoulder in the middle of arranging my collection of medical journals in the shelves, asking, "Do you feel better now?"
I was embarrassed, a bit in control. "I do."
After sharing meals that I quickly made out of the stocked up ingredients I had, I tried reading a book while Soohyun browsed through my childhood photobook that I brought out for her to see, crouching on the carpeted floor. She'd make a comment every once in a while as I listened to her enthralled giggles a lot more. The sound of her voice filled the silence. I found it incredibly comforting.
"... your hair." I heard Soohyun suddenly say, missing out on the entire thing she spoke.
I lifted my gaze from the paperback in my hands. "What?" I asked, urging her to repeat.
"I said I can wash your hair."
I felt my cheeks flush, repulsed and weirdly taken aback by the offer. A grown man in his 30's letting his girlfriend wash his hair? "Why would you do that for me?"
"You keep scratching your head."
"I really need a shower."
"Let me wash your hair."
"Ugh, that's embarrassing."
"It's not if it's me."
I smiled. "I still don't think that's a good idea."
Soohyun got up on her feet, determined, as I closed the book and set it down on the coffee table. "Come on. I'm not giving you a bath. Just really like to wash your hair." She laughed, walking over to me with her hand held out.
I conjured up the scene in my mind, believing that it was ridiculous. I caught myself, however, reaching out for her hand and following suit like a child. I wanted to disintegrate into my own body when we stepped into the bathroom.
"Are you really doing this? I can do it—"
I sighed, left with no other choice as soon as Soohyun had grabbed the handheld showerhead. I eventually raised my shirt and over my head, taking it off. I stood there only with my sweatpants on, until Soohyun went on with her mission. I ducked my head for her convenience, the tiled floors my view. She began soaking my hair with lukewarm water, running her fingers through it delicately.
It felt strangely relaxing, but was still a little skeptical of it.
Do all couples even do this?
Soohyun shampooed my hair the next minute and lathered it over my scalp in soft massages. The water splashed down the sides of my face and my neck and to the bathroom floors, drenching our feet, while Soohyun was rinsing my hair clean.
Then she handed me my towel when it was over, letting me do the rest, casually walking out.
I faced the mirror, awfully overwhelmed and delighted at the same time.
. . .
I came out of the shower, finally bathed after days of not caring so much of hygiene, instantly looking for my girlfriend. I gave her a smile when I walked past her on my way to my room, putting on a new set of comfortable clothes. It felt so good having gotten rid of the gross, sticky feeling.
I dropped all the weight when I rushed out and snatched Soohyun's attention away from her phone, and said in the most contained voice I could muster, "I love you."
A warm and fuzzy feeling grew in my belly, shooting up my chest afterward.
Her eyes lit up in amusement. "You love me because I washed your hair?"
Emotions spilled over my chest, but I surprisingly looked unshaken. "I love you. Because you're you."
Her gaze mellowed, catching the daylight. "You flatter me," Soohyun answered.
"You don't have to say it back now. Just letting you know."
Our focus snapped over to the abrupt sound of my own device. The screen came alive. I took it from its rest and read the notification banner, panicking over the email subject. I clicked to open it and read the content. It was from a person named Jung Hoseok, bearing the news of a job interview invitation for the TA position I applied for.