Tw// Abuse & ptsd episode
-Five years ago-
I sit on my bed studying, keeping to myself since mom has been especially bad today. Shouting at me as I came in from school about my shoes being in the wrong place. I had to go to the store again and get groceries, including her drinks. The man serves me, he knows mom. He's a creep.
I hear something being thrown against the wall before my mom shouting. I sigh a little before getting up off of my bed.
I slowly make my way over to my door opening it, I walk out to the hall.
"Fucking shit!" She shouts and I hear something shatter.
"What's wrong?" I ask her looking into the living room.
"The stupid tv won't come on!" She hits the side of the tv as she presses the wrong button on the remote. Her eyes are red, the room is a little foggy from the smoke and there bottles and cans on the floor and coffee table. There's also...stuff on the table.
I walk over taking the remote from her, I press the on button and the tv comes on.
"Maybe less of the drink and whatever you are taking would make it more clear that the red button is the on and off button." I say calmly. She grabs the remote from my hand and I look down at the floor.
"Go to your room!"
"I have to clean up that glass, or are you going to?" I ask her and she slaps me across the face. I put my hand to my cheek as it begins to sting and my eyes tear up. I shouldn't have said that.
"Who do you think you're talking to?" She shouts and I flinch taking a step back.
"I'm sorry."
"Oh you're sorry?"
"Yes, mom. I'm sorry." I look away and she grips my chin, she squeezes and I push her hand because it hurts.
"Mom—"
"Don't you touch me!" She shoves me away.
"You were hurting me."
"You deserve it."
"You didn't think that when dad was doing the same thing." I wipe the tears quickly and she looks at me.
"I'm nothing like your father! I stayed for you! I should have left!"
"You're worse than him!" I start sobbing as a lump grows in my throat. She walks over slapping me again.
✺ ✺ ✺
I lay back against the side of my bed, I can't stop the tears. Mom locked the door. I asked her to let me out for thirty minutes before I gave up.
I can open the window and get out, but I deserve this. I deserved everything I got. I shouldn't have talked back and I called her worse than dad. He left her too. She's having a hard time and she's trying to cope.
The window slides up and i quickly wipe under my eyes.
"Fuck." Charlie falls hitting the floor. I laugh a little trying to stop the tears. He gets up quickly.
"Beach day next week." Charlie says smiling, he stops looking at me. He looks for too long, his eyes go to my arms.
"Diana..." he says, I glance down and notice the bruise. There's a big purple and black bruise on my arm.
"Oh, I fell on the way home today. You should have seen it, it was funny. I—"
"That's not from a fall." He walks closer and I quickly step back.
"Diana!" I hear my mom shout. I look to Charlie and he looks back at me.
"You have to go, Charlie, please." I quickly move towards the window opening it. He shakes his head.
"What—why?" He whispers.
"You just need to, moms in a bad mood today and she doesn't want—"
I hear something shatter..again. He closes the window.
"I knew it. Diana—"
"Go home, Charlie please." The panic begins to rise inside me. My mom is a completely different person when she drinks, tonight is one of the bad nights. She's taken something else. I don't know what she will do if she sees him, will she hurt him?
"Come with me, those bruises are from her. The excuses are becoming too unbelievable, your face is red. She hit you?"
"No—of course not." I say and I don't hear my mom anymore. I glance over to the door and see shadow under the door.
I block Charlie's mouth and hold my finger to my mouth, I motion under the bed. The windows going to make too much noise now. He looks at me confused and he walks over, bending down and getting under the bed.
The bedroom door unlocks and I turn around as it opens.
"Where's the frying pan?" She raises her voice as her eyes slowly blink.
"It's hanging up, on the rack." I tell her calmly as I can. I smile a little, everything is fine here.
"What's that smile about? Do you need another—"
"I can make you food." I cut her off and she shakes her head. She slams my bedroom door shut.
I don't move, I just stand looking at the door before I hear it lock. I blink glancing at the wall.
"Diana, you need to come to my place. She's out—" He gets out from under the bed.
"Charlie, I-"
"She's not stable and—"
"Charlie, please—"
"She's an alcoholic isn't she? Or a drug addict? Both? She's hitting you and I said it to you a couple of months ago is everything okay at home and you said it was—"
"Because it is."
"This isn't okay. The way she spoke to you—"
"I called her a lot of names awhile ago. She's mad at me—"
"The bruises Diana. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because, Charlie. I'm fine."
"No, you're not."
"Yes. I am."
"Those bruises tell me otherwise."
"They'll go away, I bruise easily."
"And she'll give you more. I can help—"
"I don't need your help, please Charlie. She loves me, she does. This only happens when it gets difficult for her, Charlie please do not tell anyone." I feel even more panic rising inside me.
"You have to let me help you—"
-Present-
I sit up quickly, drenched in sweat and my eyes stinging. They've been happening for over a week now, I have been getting little to no sleep. When I finally fall asleep I wake up crying, sweating and barely having the ability to breathe.
I check my alarm and it's four am, I've only been asleep almost three hours or so. Yesterday I got no sleep, the night before, a few hours.
I let the tears fall before wiping them and taking a deep breath that's shaky. I push my blanket off of me.
I went over to Natalie's yesterday and I've snuck into her classroom during lunch, it's risky but I just want to see her. She helps me get my mind off of things, by just sitting and talking to her.
I get up off my bed walking over to my closet, it's Friday finally. I have time to go for a shower and maybe take Sadie on a short walk before school.
The weather is beginning to get warmer as spring is getting closer, I can't wait for summer so I can wear dresses. I love spring when the flowers start growing and leaves grow on trees too.
I get out a grey pair of leggings and a light grey hoodie, I won't wear a shirt underneath because that will make me too hot.
I walk over to my drawer getting undergarments before going to the bathroom shutting the door. I'm fine, it was just a dream. Now I just have to get on with my day, not thinking about it...
✺ ✺ ✺
I look out the window in class, i don't pay attention to the teacher. I pay attention to the clouds slowly moving.
I lean on my palm, my eyes heavy but I force them open. I rub my eye.
"Diana!" I hear the teacher shout so I quickly look up as the class begins to laugh, Malyn stands by the teachers desk.
"Sorry, yeah?" I ask.
"You need to go with Malyn, bring your stuff." The teacher sighs, I nod getting up as I pack my things quickly into my bag. I hold a pen in my hand.
I walk quickly towards the door as Malyn walks out, i close the door behind me.
"She's quite the treat, isn't she?" Malyn smiles and I hum yawning.
"Tired?"
"Yeah, didn't get much sleep last night. Not because of anything, just couldn't sleep." I play with the pen in my hand.
She opens the door to her office as she walks in holding it open for me, I walk in over to the chair I always sit at. I put my bag down against the leg of the chair.
She closes the door and walks around her desk sitting down.
"I want us to talk today, I don't want you to get up and leave when I talk about a sensitive topic. Simply just tell me if you don't want to respond or answer to something I say." She says and I keep playing with the pen waiting for her to go on.
"I want to hear more about your parents, more about your childhood. I want to help you—"
"I'm not there anymore, you can't help me. You aren't a superhero, Malyn." I sigh sitting back.
"I know I'm not. I want to help you deal with your trauma, you tense up when I say your parents. Your leg is bouncing right now and I know that from just looking into your eyes. You haven't seen a therapist before—"
"And how would you know?"
"Because of the way you speak to me. The way you storm off when something you don't like is brought up. You are having an affair with your teacher, I know that. I'm not judging you for it. I will not bring her up during this, I just want to hear more about your parents and what happened. If you don't want to, don't." She sits back, I bite the inside of my cheek for a second before looking up at her.
"My dad wasn't a big drinker since his dad was an alcoholic at the start. When I was like nine he started going out with his work friends, more and more. They went drinking. He started drinking on the weekends, then weekdays. He missed work a lot. Im surprised he didn't fired. He started hitting my mom, then me. My mom was depressed, but she never gave up on him. The bruises...they didn't stop her from loving him, she helped him get sober even when he would make her cry to the point she couldn't breathe. I witnessed the beatings a lot of the time because I tried to help my mom. He did get sober, then he left my mom...and me." I say. I just want to get this over and done with, she's not going to leave me alone.
"How do you feel right now? Thinking about him?"
"Angry."
"What are you angry at?"
"Him."
"How did you feel when you saw him again? Just a couple of months ago, was it?"
"Really scared. Terrified." I mumble closing my hands.
"Why were you afraid?"
"For Jane." I sit back and wipe my hands off my pants as I look up at her.
"Can we speak about your mom? How she got into drinking?"
"She would take things when she was trying to help dad, drugs. I'm not sure what...but when he left she began to drink. I mean...once he left something immediately switched in her. Once she got into heavy drugs...she wasn't my mom anymore, she started hitting me first. The first time was because I spilled my glass and it broke. I remember praying that night, for her." I pull at my sleeves fidgeting.
"It got worse from there, she wasn't my mom anymore. She was just...there. She wasn't the woman who raised me, the one who would tuck me in at night and tell me stories. Or the one who would paint my nails and Charlie's, she wasn't the woman who would help me and Charlie build forts and tell us scary stories. She wasn't..." I trail off and I just shrug.
"I'm sorry." I close my eyes swallowing the lump in my throat.
"Don't apologise for feeling emotion, it is perfectly normal to be upset talking about this. Your trauma, your past. I'd be a little concerned if you didn't." She stands up walking to the chair beside mine.
"She tried her hardest, she tried to get clean off the drugs but she got worse. I don't hate her for it. That's what I don't get, I hate my dad with everything inside me. I can't hate my mom, I love her. I am grateful for what she did for me before everything." I sniffle and Malyn nods.
"She did try her hardest. Some parents try their hardest but their choices wounded you."
"I'm having nightmares again." I say.
"Nightmares?" She asks looking at me and I nod taking shaky breaths.
"Deep breaths. Okay? We're gonna breathe in for three and exhale for three, three times until we got a steady breath again." Malyn says and she nods and we both take a deep breath in. She counts on her fingers before we both exhale.
"Good,now another." She says. I inhale. 1..2..3. Exhale.
"Better? One more to go." She says. Inhale. 1..2..3. Exhale. 1..2..3. My breathing slows again and I can actually breathe.
"When you get overwhelmed, anxious etcetera. Do what we just done, if you still feel as if you can't breathe. Do it a few more times. It will help you get your breathing back to normal." She smiles and I nod.
"How about we talk more on Monday? I haven't talked much, I let you talk so I'd like to talk Monday to help you. I'd like to hear about the nightmares too, if you feel comfortable with that." She says and I pull down my sleeves again nodding.
"Yeah, that's fine." I stand up, picking up my bag.
"Have a nice weekend, Diana." She stands up too and I smile.
"You too." I say as I walk over opening the door as I walk out.
I check the time and it's two minutes until lunch, I walk to the bathroom to clean myself up a little.
I walk into the bathroom and make eye contact with Sierra as she stands at the sink. I'm surprised her minions aren't around with her. The bell goes for lunch.
"You high or is it tears?" She asks as she does her lipstick and I walk around her to the sink.
"None of your business."
"Aw, you still mad about the little argument during basketball?" She closes her lipstick putting it down as she turns to me.
"No, you're a fucking bitch Sierra." I tell her and she smiles, she puts my hair behind my ear as she twirls my hair. I look at her, I'm going to slap her.
"Get your hand off of me." I warn her.
"Is it the mommy issues? Is that why you like her? There's better options out there. She's not even pretty, have—"
I slap her. I slap her hard across the face.
She gasps putting her hand to her cheek.
"It runs in the family?" She laughs and I clench my hands shut, digging my nails into my palms until it hurts.
"I'm nothing like my parents." I say through my teeth trying not to hit her again. Fuck. I am. I really am like them both.
"Find that hard—"
"Shut up!" I shout at her, I shout loud to the point my whole body shakes. She drops her hand from her cheek. I feel my own face begin to heat up.
"You're going to end up a drunk nobody just like them, you fucking—"
"Shut the fuck up!" I shove her back against the wall and she smiles looking at me.
"Gonna leave bruises?"
I step back opening the bathroom door quickly walking out. My breathing gets heavier and faster.
I put my hand to my chest quickly walking down the hall. I can't breathe. I can't. I need to leave. The breaths. I need to..
I open Natalie's classroom quickly going inside shutting the door.
"Natalie." I lean back against the door as tears blur my eyes.
"Diana—"
"I can't.." I quickly sit down on the floor bringing my knees to my chest.
I'm back there again. I'm against my bed.
He's coming, he's going to hit me.
I block my ears shutting my eyes shut and I feel my body begin to shake.
"Diana." He's calling me. He's going to hurt me.
"Please don't hurt me." I whisper.
"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you. It's me, Natalie. Open your eyes for me, darling." I hear Natalie's voice as she gently covers my hands and pulls them away from my face, I look up at her before wrapping my arms around her into a hug. I choke on my sobs, still not able to breathe steadily.
"I'm just like my parents, I'll be like them when I'm older—"
"No you will not be. Don't even think that." She sits back pulling me against her, I rest my head against her chest as tears keep rolling down my eyes.
"I have my dads anger—"
"That means nothing—"
"I hit sierra."
"Like she didn't deserve it? I seen the way she was treating you in P.E, I wanted to kick her ass. Sometimes we can't control anger, I hit Tatum. That doesn't mean I am like anybody. You wouldn't hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it, I know that myself and you should too." She runs her hands through my hair.
"I miss my mom, the person she was. I want her back, Natalie. I miss her." I sob and she rests her chin on my head.
"You are allowed miss her, addiction changes people. You are allowed to value the good memories you have with her, you can be grateful for them." She whispers kissing my head.
"I'm having nightmares." I whisper back.
"What nightmares?"
"They are like flashbacks, of my dad being drunk hitting me and my mom or just my mom hitting me. I had them when I left to janes first, it's been almost like two years but they are back. I keep having them, I can't sleep over them." I take her hand threading my fingers through hers, I just...need to be with her right now. I feel....safe or something.
"Stay over at my place tonight. We can watch your favourite movie, the one we were supposed to watch ages ago but never did. We can order food and I'll get you some candy, beautiful." She kiss my head again and I squeeze her hand, she squeezes mine back gently. I smile lifting head to look at her.
"Th—"
"Don't thank me, I'm doing this because I care about you...and you've grown on me." She kisses me. I smile and she puts her hand on my chin rubbing my cheek with her thumb. My heart begins to calm.
"I have?"
"Very much, I can't stay away from your beautiful face." She smiles and I smile wider.
"Do you want to be my valentine?" I ask her and she laughs.
"You are so strange." She looks at me and I lift my shoulders.
"But yes, I'd be honoured to be your valentine. Now can we please get up off the floor." She says and I stand up. She stands up too dusting herself off. She doesn't let go of my hand and I take a deep breath. I'm fine.
A/n
These two chapters have not been the most positive but I thought I would get into Diana's past a little more. Of course this isn't going to be completely accurate of how things are but I'm just trying!!
Hope everyone is doing well and I hope your week goes great :)