I place her in the bookcase. I line up the red hair, that is longer than the doll itself, with the stacked books next to her. In the pale world I hadn't cared about her. She had no value to me; she was an object that would help me give Allie a slightly less painful death. But after seeing the memories it felt like she had been a part of my life too.
I'll keep her as a reminder of Laura. I know that a day will come when the doll means nothing to me, when I no longer have the inner peace that Laura shares. Yet, I can feel my emotions, they're stronger and easily take over unless I focus on Laura's.
My clothes have already dried, but I have no desire to accompany Cerberus to the so-called theatre. I had accepted despite my better judgement. He wouldn't invite another Guardian's soul wanderer unless there was a real good reason behind it. He had told me he had questions. I'm not sure what kind of answers he'd want out of me, specially from someone who recently finished their apprenticeship. I hadn't reaped my first soul yet, not one that was my contract. The souls on the mountain didn't count, that was Clover's contracts, and I had still been his apprentice.
I had accepted and therefore had no other choice but to show up. Cerberus might not have been a god, and not as powerful as I thought he was, but I'd be foolish if I didn't keep my word.
I knock on the white door I've created. Once I've opened it, I step into the whirling darkness. On the other side lays the familiar corridor I've walked many times with Clover. I catch the gate stone in my hand and continue down the hall until I reach Wolf.
"Blomst?" He asks automatically.
I shake my head. "Cerberus' waiting hall."
"You're going to... Cerberus?" Wolf asks. "Unusual, unusual."
"Why unusual?"
"Soul wanderers usually keep to their own guardians, except the older ones and a few exceptions of the younger. You're still a bit too young for that exception though."
Like Sun. She seemed familiar with both Blomst and First even though she is Saturn's soul wanderer.
"Something came up," I say.
Wolf remains in his place for a brief moment before he takes a step back and points a bony finger at the gate.
"I am just the gate keeper, not nearly as important as the guardians and..." He sighs. "What I am trying to say is that you mind your own business, of course, but be careful."
There are traces of worry in his voice. I force a small smile. Before I can reach the gate Wolf takes two steps forward and blocks my path.
"I... I have helped you before. With... the writing. So, I shall give you a warning. The guardians can be possessive," he carefully looks around, "and lately they've had quite a lot to deal with, which has made them... irritable."
I could go back to my room, and if Cerberus asked why I didn't show up I could have blamed it on Wolf's warning. But that could put Wolf in trouble with the guardians and that is the last thing I want.
"Thank you for the warning, but Cerberus asked me to visit his office. As much as I'd like to just go back, I don't think I have a choice in the matter."
Wolf takes a few steps back. "I understand, I understand. In the future, it would be best if you're careful what guardians you... uhm, spend time with. But if it's important..."
He smiles, it's not as strong as the previous times I've felt it.
"Thank you, Wolf."
I knock and the hatch opens up and pushes out a white paper with the number seven written on it.
The waiting room is not what I had expected. Since I had only seen Cerberus dressed in mostly white, I had expected a hall with white walls and floor. Instead, every millimeter – except the white chairs – are covered in complex murals and paintings. At first, I think they're the ones I saw in Arkaros, but I quickly realize that the murals are mostly of legends, myths, and religion from the living world. I see, among other things, the crucifixion of Jesus, Odin and his ravens, and the three-headed dog Cerberus depicted on the walls, ceiling, and floor.
I don't have time to even sit down before the white stone above the large gate turns to a seven. The soul wanderers waiting doesn't seem to mind that someone that just arrived gets called before them. Once I approach, the door opens by itself.
Cerberus is seated behind a desk. His hair is let down and no longer pulled back, nor is he wearing the same clothes I had seen him wear in Arkaros.
"Orchid," he greets me and turn the pages of the book in front of him, "you'll have to excuse me. Seems like I need one more minute."
His entire room is filled with bookcases, more than what Saturn's room had. My first thought is that they are either strange, magical books that I wouldn't understand even if I tried or that they're simply decorations. When I approach one of the bookcases, I can read the titles. Some of them are religious books, other about legends and myths. But what surprises me the most is all the literature. I scan the titles over the many books. I am a Cat, Pride and Prejudice, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and To Kill Mockingbird are a few of them. I pull a book – The Old Man and the Sea – out of the bookcase. I open it to make sure it's an actual book, and to my surprise, it is.
"I don't think you'll be able to finish a whole book, I'm sure I'll be done before that," he jokes and turn the pages.
I place it back and study the rest of them in the bookcase, all of them seem well-read. Cerberus closes the book he's reading, and on the front there's no title.
"I'm done," he says with a smile. "The theatre is already open. I can create a gate for you."
"You know what?" I touch one of the books' spines. "For someone who doesn't like the living world much, you have a surprising number of books from it."
"I don't dislike your world."
I pull my hand away from the bookcase. Cerberus remains behind the desk with a hand over the book with no title. He looks a tad insulted that I had the gall to suggest such a thing.
"No?" I lean my shoulder against the bookcase. "It certainly sounded like you didn't have any warm thoughts of my world when we spoke at the well."
He frowns and tenses his jaw.
"You called it impersonalized. And cold... if I remember correctly," I continue and smile.
"In many cases the human world is impersonalized and cold. It's... stuck. It doesn't change by your presence."
I cross my arms. "We can build houses, cities. Through time we have created a whole new world, new technology. How can you tell me it's not a world that changes?"
"It's not the same thing. It's a process, there's so many things that are needed to make changes. Here I simply need to think about it, and sometimes the worlds change without my influence."
I haven't noticed it. If I could change the Eleven, I would have done it right away. Maybe it's just a guardian thing.
"Well, it sounds like you don't care that much about my world."
Cerberus raises from his chair and approaches me, his face as softened while his eyes sweep over the books.
"I don't like how impersonal your worlds are, how it doesn't change like mine does. But that doesn't mean I cannot see the positives."
"And that is... books?" I ask.
"Not the vessel itself. I'm impressed with the content, what you can create from nothing. How you can create worlds you've never seen, stories that has never happened, things you've never experienced. I've read thousands of books, but each time I try to create something I've never seen I can never get close to what you've created. I can only create what I've seen, or things that are similar."
Cerberus picks a book from the bookcase and touches its front carefully. I watch him quietly as he tries to gather his thoughts.
"It began with an interest for your religions and legends. Then I started reading your fictional literature, I realized that while your world is impersonal, the humans aren't."
"It sounds to me you're more interested in humans and not our world."
Cerberus puts the book back.
"Your world is part of you. But yes, I'm interested in humans. Envious even."
Did I hear him correctly? It's a frightening thought that he – a guardian of the Realm of the Dead – would be envious of humans.
"I cannot imagine why."
He smiles, but it looks a lot sadder than I'm used to. It reminds me of the one I had seen at the well.
"It has interested me for a long time. What it means to be a human. To have a destiny, how you think, how you look at things, how it's like to feel like a human." He takes a deep breath. "It's things I'll never understand, no matter how much I read your books. Maybe it's a pitiful attempt to understand you, why you prefer your worlds over ours."
I feel sorry for him as he gently strokes his own hand, hoping he'll feel it, not with the electric tickling sensation, but to feel it as a human would.
He lets his arms fall to his sides and gives me a warm smile.
"Shall we go? Arkaros is waiting."
"Alright, I'm ready."
A white door forms into existence on one of the bare walls. It would have looked similar to mine if it wasn't for the larger size and lack of an orchid made of orange crystalized veins. The surface of the door is also home to carved quotes from books, all of them written in their original language. I see Swedish, English, French, Japanese and many others. A few I recognize, most I cannot.
Cerberus opens the door and returns to his place behind the desk.
"You're not coming? I thought you were done."
"I'm already there," he says.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm in multiple places at the same time – five currently if you don't count the offices. As a guardian we'd not be able to leave our office if we did not have the ability to be in several places at once."
"Oh..."
He laughs and leans over the desk with clasped hands under his chin.
"Alas, there cannot be multiple versions of me in the same place, so you'll have to settle for one Cerberus," he jokes. "I'm waiting outside of the doorways in Arkaros."
He places the book to the side and picks out a new one from a pile, they're placed in a neat, perfected fashion. It doesn't have a title like the other one and when he opens it, it's empty. Cerberus single eye follow the page as he reads something I cannot see.
When I go through the door I end up in the corridor of doors again – where the only gate to Arkaros is located. I'm not there for long, I walk up the short stairs and touch the symbol like Sun did, once they lit up I open the door. To my surprise, it's no longer a white whirling light. It's dark blue – almost black – with stars shining brightly.
On the other side Cerberus is waiting at the bottom of the stairs. He's still dressed in the clothes I had seen him wear in the Citadel's gardens.
The second thing I notice is the sky. It's no longer touched by colors of orange and pink, instead it's dark with thousands of stars. Patterns of colors – that looks like northern lights – covers large parts of the night sky.
I stare up at the masterpiece of colors, darkness, and light.
"It's quite the sight, isn't it?" he asks when I finally descend the stairs, he keeps his eye focused on the sky above us.
It looks closer than a regular night sky. It reminds me of Saturn's room, where you could see space outside of the large window. But here I see no planets or galaxies. I got a feeling that if I'd look down, I'd still see the night sky below us with its thousands, maybe millions, of stars.
I move my gaze to the gigantic gates, the bridge is filled by soul wanderers and more come out from the doors behind me. The gates are wide-open, and gargoyles sits on the bridge's fence, each with a spear in their hands of stone.
I move closer to Cerberus as more soul wanderers push past me.
"Shall we go?" he asks.
We push our way into the dense crowd. I keep my focus on the frightening statues on the fence. They slowly turn their grotesque faces and their eyes glimmers each time it studies a soul wanderer. I tense my shoulders and back as they look at me for a couple of seconds, then move their faces slowly to the next person.
"It's an important night and they're here to protect us. To make sure no uninvited guest will sneak by."
He must have noticed how I couldn't keep my eyes away from the grotesque statues.
"And what happens if someone in the crowd is... uninvited?"
He doesn't hesitate with his answer, "you wouldn't notice. No one except the uninvited guest would. Not this time. Like I mentioned – it's an important night. We don't want to cause an incident."
"And the theater, is it far?"
"A bit yes, but there is a shortcut I'll take you through. It should go faster, nor will we have to deal with the crowd."
I look at the people, there's soul wanderers from many different countries, as well as decades and centuries. I can see everything from an eighty's rocker to a queen from the 1700's. I lose sight of both of them quickly in this crowd.
Once we pass the gate, Cerberus leads me up a small hidden staircase, and through a garden with light blue flowers that reminds me of gigantic blue bells. Inside of them floats shining orbs, it makes the flowers lit up the garden in the dark night. A small gravel path leads us to another staircase. Below lays a turquoise lake formed as a perfect circle and in the middle stands a building on a platform. It reminds me of the ones from the Roman Empire, with large pillars covering all sides I can see. Four bridges from each side stretch out towards the mainland. The one closest to the stairs is narrower than the other three, and it's the only one that has a roof.
"The greenery's bridge is usually not open for soul wanderer, but I'll make an exception today," he says like it wasn't his idea to take his route, but the smile on his lips suggests that he's trying to joke.
I follow him to the white bridge. When we enter it, it's more like a dark tunnel of metal and greenery. Small, white marble-looking orbs press against the tendrils and illuminate the tunnel in a dim light. Sometimes we pass small openings where you can see out over the lake and the city, as well as the night sky and its stars.
"I'll let you know when we can speak."
His back look more tense the closer we get to the end of the tunnel.
"Okay," I mumble as I try to get a better view of the lake.
"And before that it's better we don't speak at all."
We had barely spoken since Cerberus led us up the hidden stairs, and I haven't planned to say anything until I know I can ask the questions on my mind, some I'm likely not supposed to know. Maybe that's what Cerberus means, no matter what he is planning to ask me he doesn't want an audience either. Which means it is likely something the other guardians would be against. Not that I think he'll ask something that breaks the rules, at least nothing that could be classified as treason. Yet this entire situation leaves me with a worrying feeling.
The roof and walls of greenery ends and we stand in front of the theater. It looks bigger from here.
"This way," he speaks lowly and gives me a cautionary glance.
I say nothing as he leads me to the backside of the building. Just like the citadel, it's corridor after corridor until we finally reach a doorway Cerberus stops at. In front of us lies a large theater hall with wooden and red seats. The stage is surrounded by water, it looks like it's being held by an invisible glass cylinder.
"What is this?" I ask.
I bite my tongue when I realize he asked me to not speak.
"You can enter it," he says and points. "I'll explain things later."
Once I've approached the stage, I carefully place my hand to the water, it moves against my skin and follows the shape of my fingers and palm. When I pull away it's still wet. I take a deep breath as I enter. The water surrounds me, it moves my skirt and hair as I slowly tread forward. I don't need to hold my breath; I breathe the water into my lungs. But I feel no burning feeling in my chest nor nose.
Cerberus has walked past the threshold of the water cylinder. The dreadlocks move in the water.
I continue up the stairs, each step feels like I'm truly under water. Cerberus follows me until we're both standing on the stage and look out at the empty red chairs in the theater hall.
"I usually create scenes from books I've read," Cerberus says; his voice sounds clear. "Could you create something from nothing?"
There's an eagerness in his eyes, like he's expecting me to create something fantastic.
"I've never been good at coming up with ideas. You'll be disappointed."
"It doesn't have to be anything complex. Just something I've never seen before."
Like that would be easier. I tense up as a selfish, desperate thought comes to mind. One I highly doubt Cerberus will let me experience. Yet I want to ask.
"Could I create a scene from one of my own memories?" I don't sound unsure when asking the question, like I have nothing to be ashamed of.
It takes a while for Cerberus to answer, like he's carefully thinking through his options. "I'll allow one memory."
I open my mouth slightly and relax my face while the rest of my body tenses up. I can feel the tears building up in my eyes despite the water surrounding us, I try to not pay any attention to it.
"How?"
"Close your eyes and think of the memory, how it looks like, and what happened."
I close my eyes and think.