Made by
13dollz
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The train was more crowded than you expected, well, crowded for an 11:25pm departure in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. A quick look around and you counted nine other heads in your car. It worked out because there were five pairs of seats on either side, two of them with a second pair facing the first. You'd gotten there early and managed to snag one of the double sets, settling in to your own little pod; backpack on the seat next to you, overnight bag across from it, thermos of tea in your hands, sorting through what ended up being twenty-seven unread emails on your phone. Just like home.
It had been a long day, and tomorrow wasn't going to feel any shorter.
The speaker system crackled to life to announce ETA 2:15 am with two stops along the way. Joy . And then there was the ordeal of getting home. Your uncle (he wasn't really, you just called him that because he was old and crabby and full of unwarranted advice) promised he'd try to make it to pick you up, said he'd text you as soon as he could confirm. But cell service was spotty and there was no guarantee the text would arrive before you reached the city anyway.
Getting some sleep was probably your best option. Thank god you didn't have work tomorrow, but unfortunately the mental list of random tasks to finish that you had put off till your trip was over had reached max capacity and needed to be taken care of, soon.
You tossed your phone in your bag and put your thermos in the cup holder built onto the armrest of the seat next to you, and looked out the window for the first time since the train started moving. There really wasn't much to see. The light from inside the train didn't reach much further than the edges of the track and everything past that had turned into a black soup, miscellaneous shapes and shadows.
Normally it wasn't this bad, since there was no city to distract from the sky, the moon and stars were the brightest out of any place you'd ever been. But thick clouds had rolled in a few hours ago, obscuring any potential moonlight and adding more ink to the soup.
You pulled your sweatshirt tighter around you, shifting until you found a somewhat comfortable position leaning on your backpack as a makeshift pillow. Your neck was already screaming in protest and you reminded yourself heating pads exist and not getting any sleep on the train would be a mistake. Your spine could take it, your brain...not so much.
Fucking hell, you resorted to watching the colorful splotches wiggle on the inside of your eyelids. Falling asleep will be a piece of cake, you told yourself. If you said it enough times maybe it would become true. I'm exhausted, I'll be fine.
The sounds of the train turned into background noise and maybe, just maybe, you would fall asleep fast.
~~~~~~
The sound of shuffling and the feeling of eyes watching you broke through the fog of sleep. Annoyed, you opened one eye....and immediately opened the other.
Someone had moved your bag and sat across from you, nonchalantly stretched out over two seats, a guilty but cheerful smile on his face. You blinked, eyes adjusting to the light. I know him, I swear to god I know him....
"Hi." He gave you a small wave.
"Sid?" No fucking way.
"Yeah, it's been a hot minute since I last saw you. Sorry I just sat down by the way. I saw you and this is a double and there aren't any empty rows left." Good to know one thing hadn't changed. Sid talked a lot, and fast.
"No, no it's fine. I was just a little surprised, that's all." You figured you should sit up if Sid was going to stick around and talk. Your back cracked audibly as you uncurled yourself. Jesus christ. "What time is it?"
Sid checked his phone.
"It's like 12:30." Oh wow, you'd barely been asleep for an hour.
"Wait, why are you here Sid? I thought you moved to California." You could have sworn that was the last you'd heard of him.
He scratched the back of his neck, smile wavering slightly.
"Well yeah, I did. My sister lives out there, the oldest one, and that was cool to live with her for a while."
" And ?" That was definitely not the whole story.
"I pissed her off real bad and she kinda kicked me out." Oh.
"How- uh, if you don't mind me asking?"
"She has a boyfriend now, and he hates me. And we kept getting in arguments, for like months and months, and then he started saying all this shitty stuff about her and I uhh punched him in the face...more than once...okay like three times. And that clearly didn't go over well."
You didn't say anything at first. Sid had always been a bit of a hothead, but this seemed a little extreme. Besides, you were friends in highschool, it was one thing for a teenager to have a temper, a full grown adult was a different story.
"That's...too bad." He nodded solemnly in agreement.
"Anyways so I decided to come back here, probably gonna crash with my parents for a while till I figure something out." So he was sticking around?
"Mhmm, good plan."
"I missed you y'know?" Well that came out of nowhere.
"Mmh." You didn't really know how to respond. It had been two years, maybe two and a half since you'd seen Sid. And it wasn't exactly the most pleasant goodbye. Sid had been itching to leave Iowa his whole life. And the summer after graduating highschool he finally did it, he picked up and left. It didn't come as a surprise to anyone, Sid was very vocal about hating Des Moines and every weekend, every summer, every spring or winter break, he worked his ass off to save up enough money.
And it was all well and good, you were happy for him, but then he asked you to go with him. You told him you couldn't, now wasn't the right time for you, you still had unfinished business in Des Moines.
"Why don't you want to go with me?" He demanded.
"Sid, I do. I just can't right now. Maybe in a year or two..."
"That's too long, I can't wait for that long."
"Then I'm sorry just go without me."
"Do you really wanna waste your life in this shit hole of a town?"
You froze. You almost wanted to cover year ears, as if not hearing would make it less real.
"Because that's what's going to happen. I can't do that, okay? I have to be somebody, I'd rather die than stay here!"
"Sid it's not the end of the world, I'll catch up with you at some point-"
"No you won't. You say you will, but you won't. This is giving up, you're giving up like you always do!"
"Sid stop!"
"No, you know what? I'm not going to stop, I'm sick of you being too fucking scared of change to do anything different for once."
You didn't respond. Your eyes welled up with tears and your cheeks burned in shame. You saw it in Sid's face, he knew he'd gone too far.
"Wait, no, I didn't mean it-" but you had started towards the door.
You were done, if he wanted to leave Des Moines, fine, but you weren't going to sit there and let him yell at you for being a wet blanket on a dream that wasn't even yours.
Shit , the familiar pressure of tears formed behind your eyes. You hadn't thought about that in a while. It still hurt, even after years. The wound was still raw, probably because instead of trying to work through it you pushed it down, down, way far down, till you thought you forgot about it.
"You still chew on your lip when you're stressed, huh?"
"What?" You hadn't even realized you were chewing your lip.
"You used to do that a lot. It was really bad sometimes." He chuckled. Excuse me? "Yeah remember, you really liked that guy James, the tall one with the hair, and you had senior year calc with him and the days you had that class before lunch, you'd show up to lunch and not even be able to eat sometimes because the hole in your lip was too big."
"How did you remember that?"
He shrugged. "I dunno, I remember a lot about you. You were my best friend for like six years." Oh. Right. Yeah.
"Listen-" he leaned forward and grabbed your hand, maybe there was static in the air because little lighting bolts zapped your palm when he touched you. "-I'm really sorry about how I left things. Believe me when I say I haven't gone more a week without thinking about you."
Fuck, fuck, fuck , no this is not what you wanted. You were doing fine. You didn't need Sidney waltzing in and destroying all the emotional walls you so carefully crafted. He'd apologize, you'd believe him, and then he'd leave again, and you would have to start all over, picking up the pieces he practically blasted into space.
You didn't look at him, instead forced your eyes down, and they settled on your hands, fingers intertwined. He had a lot more tattoos then when you last saw him, he definitely did not have two transformers taking up all the real estate on the back of his hand before. They were cute though, simple, very Sid.
"Look Sid-" you traced the outline of one transformer. "You're right that six years of friendship doesn't just go down the drain, but if you're going to leave again, I don't want to get involved. I know you hate Des Moines but I've built my life here, at least for the foreseeable future."
He was silent for a moment.
"I didn't come back to live with my parents-" What? "-I mean, I still might but that wasn't why I picked Des Moines." You did not like the implication there.
He sighed and it turned into a nervous laugh.
"What am I saying? This is ridiculous. I came back for you but if you don't want me around I'll leave." He leaned back, letting go of your hand and fiddling with the chord of his sweatshirt.
A thousand thoughts ran through your head at the same time. Well if he's here for me then I can trust him? But is it better to let him leave and just move on? He's going to get sick of it here, I just know it. What does he think is going to happen?
You said the last one aloud.
"What did you think was going to happen Sid?"
He seemed surprised at your forwardness. It was one am, you didn't have time for bullshit.
"Well, first of all I wasn't expecting you to be on this train. And second, I didn't really have a plan? The plan was basically, get to Des Moines, find you, apologize a lot, hang out, tell you I'm in love with you-" he stopped dead, realizing his mistake.
Now you were both staring at each other, wide eyed, in silence. Not an awkward moment at all, nope.
He's in love with me? What?
"How's that possible you haven't seen me in two years?"
"I don't know. In the beginning I thought it would go away eventually. But it didn't and I just couldn't fucking ignore it any longer." He was whisper yelling now, thankfully being conscious of the other goddamn people on the train.
"I don't really know what to say..." It was the truth, the last half hour had been one of the most emotionally confusing half hours of your life. Where Sid went it seemed drama followed.
"You could say you love me back...if it's true."
That's not a loaded question at all . The issue was: you did love him, but you weren't sure you were in love with him. Don't they say if you have to ask yourself that question the answer is no? But you weren't so sure. You didn't feel any differently towards Sid now than in high school, you were hurt but still cared about him. And you thought back to your last boyfriend, that guy James, from calc. You dated right after Sid left; went to some movies together, watched his band play at some shitty local gigs, had some awkward, inexperinced sex, and then broke up after two months.
And there had been no one since then. Your justification was being busy, too busy to focus on relationships. Not busy enough to escape feeling empty though, not busy enough to fill the hole in your chest.
"I don't know Sid. I need some time to figure this all out." No harm in answering as honestly as you could. He nodded. He understood. "I'm glad you're here though, it's good to see you again." He grinned.
"Yeah, I'm really glad I came home." Home. He called it home.
He shivered, rubbing his arms over his sweatshirt. "Jesus do they have to keep it so fucking cold on these things?"
You laughed.
"It's better than being too hot. Here move over." He shoved his bag aside and you moved to the seat next to him, leaning your head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around you and you scooted closer. It felt nice, like old times.
He kissed your forehead, sending butterflies fluttering around in your stomach. I'm so doomed, this boy will be the death of me. But not yet, not now. Now you had an hour left of train ride to try and figure out how to explain this to your uncle.