It was several hours later when Stevie curled up on her right side in Lindsey's bed with him spooning her closely from behind, absently stroking her belly.
They had made love over and over again, unable to stop touching and feeling each other and even now, that they were completely spent, considering that they were no spring chicken anymore and had had an exhausting show of two-and-a-half hours, they still couldn't take their hands off each other.
"Steph?"
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure.", she said and turned in his arms to face him.
"What... What are we doing here?", he stammered and looked at her.
"I.. Honestly? I have no idea.", she admitted and stroked his chest, "What do you think we're doing?"
"I don't know.. I just.. Do you think we're making a mistake?"
She looked up at him, "I made a lot of mistakes in my life, Linds, I made a lot of wrong decisions but this here.. This isn't one of them."
"How can you be so sure?", he asked and searched in her eyes for an answer.
"I just.. know it. Something that feels so good, so right, can't be a mistake."
They lapsed into silence for a while.
"Do you feel guilty?", Stevie asked suddenly, "I mean.. because of Kristen?"
"I.. a little.. I've never cheated on her before.. Actually, when I think about it.. The only woman with whom I cheated on all my girlfriends is you, Stevie."
"You mean..?", she stuttered and looked up at him.
"Yes, Stevie. On every single one of them. And the only woman I didn't cheat on was you."
"But I cheated on you.", she said very quietly.
"Yes, you did."
"Have I ever.. I mean.. told you how sorry I am for doing that to you?", Stevie said and looked right into his eyes and he was shocked at the amount of raw emotions he saw in them.
He slowly shook his head, "That was a long time ago, Steph. This was when? 1974?"
"Doesn't make a difference.", she said, "I hurt you immensely. And I am so, so sorry for doing that to you.", tears started to form in her eyes, "I... I should have never done that. It changed things between us. You didn't trust me after that anymore and I.. I understand that, of course."
"Stevie..", Lindsey sighed and pressed her tightly into his arms, "Come on, stop that! Let's not get to that dark place.."
"I hurt you so much.. Sometimes I wonder, you know, if.. if we would have lasted, if only I hadn't cheated on..-"
"Stop that!", Lindsey said once again and hushed her by pressing two fingers on her lips, watching one single tear running down her cheek, "It was not only your fault. There was a reason why you did that. I was a possessive, ignorant, self-centered asshole back then and I took you for granted. That's why you went cheating on me."
"You would have never cheated on me.", she said slowly.
"That's true. I would have never done that. I loved you so much back then and I am so sorry that I didn't treat you like you deserved it. Maybe, I needed that wake-up call!"
"Lindsey, that was no wake-up call! After I cheated on you, you didn't trust me one bit. I mean, of course you didn't, I can't blame you for that. And then, everything changed. The fame, the money, the drugs... It wasn't a wake-up call, it was the end of our relationship."
"We lasted some more time after that, so it was not the end of our relationship! After you told me about it, I accused you of sleeping with every man that only as much as looked at you. That was wrong! I said I'd forgive you but I didn't do that back then. Instead, I screamed at you, fought with you at every given opportunity.. I treated you like shit. Even though, you worked your ass off for me!"
Another tear ran down her cheek as she listened to his words, "Why did it take us 40 years to talk about this?"
"Because we were two stubborn, stupid, stoned kids that thought they were always right!"
She smiled sadly at his words.
"Come on, stop crying. This was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore.", Lindsey said softly and placed a kiss on her forehead.
"But it could have changed everything, Linds..", she said quietly.
"Yes, maybe...", he sighed.
"Leaving you was the biggest mistake I've ever made!"
"Stevie, please.."
"I'm sorry.. Sorry. Just forget what I said."
"I can't."
"You can't?"
"No. Now, it's out. You said it. I can't pretend I didn't hear it."
They fell silent again.
"You and I know why we didn't make it.", he said suddenly and she raised her head to look quizzically at him.
"I was the one who got Kristen pregnant."
She felt her heart shattering into a million pieces as his words reached her ears and she closed her eyes to not look at him anymore as she took a deep breath.
"It was my fault. We were two kids when that happened back in the 70s! That's long forgotten. But 18 years ago, I made a mistake. We were together back then and I...-"
"Lindsey, could you please.. please stop it.", she whimpered and waved her hand frantically in front of her face to stop herself from crying.
"I was the one who made a mistake."
"Lindsey, please.", she pleaded with him, "Stop saying such things!"
"Why?"
"Because I can't take it!", she said, wiggling out of his embrace and standing up to run into the bathroom.
"Stevie!"
"No."
"Come on. I'm sorry.", Lindsey said and went after her, "I thought we were just casually discussing what happened between us and.."
"Maybe you were right, Lindsey. This was a mistake.", she said, eagerly wiping away her tears.
"Come on, don't be like that. I'm sorry. I fucked up!", he apologized again and approached her to take her into his arms, surprised when she let him hold her. The years had made even her easier to handle, when she had been younger, she would have slapped him across the face, hurried outside and refused speaking to him for months.
"I think.. I'm still not ready to talk about that yet..", she whispered, "It.. it still hurts."
"I know.", he said softly and placed kisses all over her hair, "Let's get back to bed. We have another show tomorrow and it's already 4 am."
She nodded and followed him back into the bedroom, curling up in his arms and listening to his heartbeat until he eventually fell asleep. Stevie, on the other hand, stayed awake for another two hours, unable to sleep, thoughts exploding in her head about their conversation.
Why was it still so hard for her to talk about what had happened back in 1997? Lindsey and Kristen have been married for 15 years by now and she still couldn't take talking about it. It still ripped her heart apart as if it had happened yesterday.
She knew, if she wanted to go on with this affair without getting her heart broken again, she needed to harden and not let her feelings take the best of her.
Slowly, she lifted up her head from Lindsey's chest and watched him sleeping for awhile. He looked so peaceful, so handsome, evenly breathing, with his arms wrapped around her waist.
It could have been like that for years, if things had turned out differently. Her and him. Just like that. Maybe they would have had a family together. Lindsey had always wanted a bunch of kids. Now, he had three beautiful children. With another woman. With his wife. Stevie swallowed hard. It still hurt like hell.
Don't think about it, she reminded herself, closing her eyes and lying back down again, listening to his heartbeat and lovingly playing with his chesthair. She should rather enjoy these moments she was having with him than spending them arguing with him, crying or thinking about all those missed chances they had had. She took a deep breath and promised herself to not think about these kind of things anymore. This was in their past – it was over. And now was now. And in this very moment, she was the one lying naked in his arms after they had made love for hours. This had to be enough.
She snuggled closer to him and placed a few soft kisses on his chest, then eventually fell asleep.
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I hope you're still enjoying this story because for once everything is heading exactly like I planned it. :D lol (Usually, I change my whole storyline about a hundred times during writing!)
Some feedback would be nice, I love comments! *__*
Thank you so much for reading!
Much love, Lara