Disclaimer: The photo above is the cave I try to describe in this chapter. Buckle up cuz it's a long one boys.
Also play the music when I give you the sign for a more immersive experience.
I was surrounded.
Above me, the thundering sky spilling with thick clouds laughing with jump we took.
Beneath me, the cold laughing waves rattling against my Ilu's and my skin as pushed forward past each hurdle.
Beside me, Neteyam, equally struggling just as much but ten times more angry and fearful than the storm above.
And these were just the outskirts. We hadn't even arrived yet.
With each jump and chilling blow of the howling wind, I felt my core shiver and my back desperately wanting to turn back.
And if I was struggling, I knew my Ilu definitely was and without a doubt Neteyam's as well.
"Neteyam!" I called upon my head breaking from the water "It's too much!"
Neteyam upon hearing his name, turned "How much more until we're there?"
"It's still...bleh..." A received a salty mouthful of water "...a long way to go. We need to turn back for now!"
"What?!" Neteyam shouted back "I can't hear you!"
"Huh?!" I responded back.
"I said I-" Neteyam began.
"Just follow me!" I shouted before swiftly turning directions, no longer fighting the current.
After dunking underwater, I turned my head to make sure Neteyam was following and sure enough he was.
"This shortcut?" He signed with one hand.
"Just follow." I signed back. He responded by lifting a thumb up.
No clue what that means but he wasn't disagreeing so I guess we're good.
I beckoned my Ilu to weave through the dark coral structures as I wondered if Neteyam would kill me if he knew I was taking him away from the direction of his brother.
———————
Upon arrival, I breathed a sigh of relief to see that the structure wasn't flooded. The storm waters hadn't reached this place.
Three brothers rocks is part of series of massive naturally formed rock structures you find before heading into the open sea. Off the coast of mangrove trees we reside in, were the same structures, only they were hollow and created a cave like feeling.
Inside these caves loomed a ambient silence. The steady pitter-patter of soft droplets racing off the overhead rocks. Because of their enclosed design, it and it's waters are exceedingly warm which makes it an excellent resting zone for travelers caught within a storm or looking to rest on a quest for trades with other water clans.
A true sanctuary, but Neteyam didn't seem to think so.
"W-what are we doing here?" Neteyam nervously asked upon emerging from the water, his Ilu excitedly speaking upon feeling the warm water caress
her fins.
"The storm was too dangerous." I explained, taking the saddle off my Ilu "We never would've made it in those conditions."
"What?!" Neteyam yelled "That's why we stopped?!"
"Look man, it's just protocol. Even warriors don't ride in storms like that, it's just not ethical." I tried convincing as I wrung the freezing water out of my hair, a loud splash echoing within the cave.
"I don't care!" Neteyam roared "What if Lo'ak is hurt and that's why he hasn't come back?" He argued.
"Neteyam, I want to help him as much as you do but we kinda have to be...I don't know...alive to bring him back." I enunciated.
Neteyam growled and stomped his foot "If you were just going to turn back you should've told me! Why the hell are we even here?!"
"Oh wow! Excuse me for taking you to a warm and protected area away from the freezing cold. If we were out there for much longer you would've died!" I snapped "You could've died!"
Neteyam widened his eyes and pursed his lips "Really? Hmm." He pensively thought for a moment, bringing his hand up to his chin "Where have I heard that before?"
I rolled my eyes "Come on..." I groaned.
"Oh wait! I remember!" He comically exclaimed "I said that to you and do you remember what you said?"
I crossed my arms and sighed, letting out a loud exasperted groan.
"You said, and I quote," Neteyam then hunched down significantly and brandished a very grim and gloomy expression. He then made his voice exceedingly deeper "'I didn't ask you to protect me.'" He mimicked.
I stifled a laugh, the impersonation was annoyingly accurate.
"That's what you said so don't think you have a leg to stand on to say that to me." Neteyam argued "Just don't. That makes you so pathetic."
I felt my brows furrow. I felt threatened and ready to pounce.
Initially, I wanted to snap. I wanted to throw my perceived differences of the previous situation compared to this one. I wanted to scream at him for being so reckless. I wanted to argue and prove myself right. I wanted to scowl at him for speaking to me like this.
But then I realized something.
He was worried. He was scared. He was upset.
Just like I upset when Tsireya spoke to me, earlier that day. Just like I was when I said something terrible to her.
He had every right to feel the way he did, the point he had made regarding our past conflict, resonated with me. Not in the way someone shows you a new method of hunting and you ditch the old one without another thought, it resonated with me in the sense that I began to understand exactly what Tsireya meant. The best possible conclusion that would be vital from this point onward in my growth.
I'm an asshole.
"You're right." I admitted.
"By Eywa!" Neteyam howled waving hands exasperatingly "You make it so hard to have a crus..." Neteyam suddenly halted "Wait what?"
"You're right." I repeated, settling my hands awkwardly on my hips "I've acted...I'm such a hypocrite...I've been such a jerk." I sputtered.
Neteyam's gaze softened and he relaxed his posture.
I felt the steam coming from the teal glowing springs of warm water and slowly made my way to the edge. As I carefully dipped my feet in, I felt Neteyam's baffled eyes on me.
"Look, Neteyam...ugh I can't even look at you..." I muttered "I never should've treated you that way. That whole Akula thing...in all honesty was a massive hit to my pride. I felt really incompetent that I didn't take shot but that's my mistake and I never should've taken it out on you."
I glided my foot within the water "Especially, after you saved my life."
There was that same steady silence, only less easy to bask in. Admitting things when the world seems completely dead quiet is the most difficult thing you can do, I realized.
"I know I'm not looking at you right now but you should know..." I gulped "I am truly sorry."
The words finally fell out. I hand't realized how true they were until I said them. The steady silence became slightly more bearable when I heard the sound of feet hitting atop the pasty rocks heading towards me.
*Play the music now*
Though I kept my eyes on my legs swaying in the calming warm water, I could see out of the corner of my eye Neteyam taking space beside me. Keeping a mindful distance between us, he looked to me with a look of questioning approval before he settled down, I nodded and quickly averted my gaze.
I couldn't see his whole face but I noticed the calmness in it. The overflowing feeling of fear temporarily disabled.
"Is there a reason you felt incompetent?" He asked with almost a whisper like tone, the cave tends to make you think you have to be quiet. He must've felt that subliminal message even more so after all the yelling we just did "Ever since I got here, I haven't see you make a mistake once. You're so smart and ready for everything."
I found myself stumped for words, but amazingly, painstakingly racking my brain for a response without even thinking of just going silent.
I wanted to speak back.
"Uh....." I hesitated "It's complicated..." was all I could find myself mustering out.
"Mm." Neteyam hummed understandingly. He the adjusted his sitting posture.
"Well, you should know two things." Neteyam began, slowly weighing his words "I'm sorry I blew up on you a bunch of times today. I'm pretty sure you've picked up on it by now but I get really careless with my words when I'm scared or really confused. But like you said, I shouldn't be taking my fears out on those trying to help me. I'm sorry. And I accept your apology."
I nodded my head "Yeah...same here." My voice croaked.
"And two: feelings of incompetence happen to everyone and they make everyone act up." Neteyam empathized holding two fingers up "You shouldn't beat yourself up about it though. We're usually the only ones who think that about ourselves. It's usually never true."
He then did a fish netting motion with his arms "I've seen you with a net, don't be so modest now."
"I'm not even that good." I brushed off.
"Yes you are!" Neteyam enunciated "Not only are you a good-looking jerk..."
He leaned in a little close to my glaring face.
"But you're blind." He laughed "Don't be so hard on yourself. Doubts only make life heavier than it already is. You know you're talented." He praised.
I found myself feeling very...giddy?
I sighed, trying go brush off the blush emerging to my facd "Thank you...it's just hard to...I guess deal with them sometimes...maybe that's why I started the whole tricktayö."
Neteyam's ears perked up "You think so?" He seemed surprised upon the mention of it. It was the first time I openly acknowledged it.
I slouched my shoulders "I don't know...you just...you reminded me of everything...I'll never be." I admitted, feeling a hot blush creep up on my face "Everything came so easy to you. You didn't have to try so hard to get people to respect you...it felt unfair."
Neteyam's face dwindled a bit. A similar face that he seemed used to making. It was at that point I realized, this definitely wasn't the first time he's heard this.
But as I'm sure he did then, he brushed it off.
Neteyam lightly chuckled "Believe me I know exactly what you felt."
Now I turned my head in confusion "Huh?" I speculated "How true is that statement? You felt incompetent?"
Neteyam lifted an index finger towards me "Correction, I've always felt incompetent."
"How can that be true?" I questioned "You're like the 'golden boy' of the Metkayina right now, and you weren't even born here. You just seem to be good at everything naturally. You're strong and athletic and you're..." I listed, unaware of Neteyam's growing cheeky smile.
"You're...really something." I finished, my heart pulsating.
Neteyam sadly sighed "Thank you, Kai...but sometimes I wish I wasn't."
My ears perked up again, I was in complete disbelief. It was a concept I couldn't wrap my head around in the slightest. Neteyam's smile never faded, he seemed to find amusement in my confusion.
I shook my head vigorously "I don't understand. You're so revered by everyone...why do you feel incompetent?"
And then, things changed yet again.
Neteyam took a deep breath and gave me a reassuring smile, almost like what he was about to say was the heaviest secret you could hold in your heart and he was just going to let it spill.
But he still felt unsure about it.
Nevertheless, he did.
"To some degree that's true...but you're still assuming. I'm in a position where...I'm not allowed to be weak, there's nothing else I can be but be strong for my family and my clan. As a man and as a warrior. Should I falter even a bit...I bring shame or someone will get hurt." He retold, his eyes faltering a bit.
Memories and sour words were flooding back again, I could tell.
"Oh." I expressed "I didn't...I'm sorry I...I never realized there was so much..." I tried really hard to empathize.
Neteyam reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder lightly, will still looking at his own feet in the water "It's ok, if you couldn't tell that means I'm doing a good job of hiding it."
He continued.
"I'll agree that I am something, I do get treated better by others for the fact that I look full Navi and I'm the eldest boy of Toruk Maktou. Of course I know I'm something, I just wish...I could be nothing sometimes."
It was a peculiar stance I hadn't ever heard of before. It left me speechless but I found myself understanding.
"Wow."
"What?" Neteyam asked "Too much?"
"No not at all, just...who else knows?" I curiously asked. I knew Neteyam was very extroverted, I wondered who he might've spilled it to.
"You'd be the first to know that about me." Neteyam remarked "Expectations, they can give your purpose but...they can also keep you up at night."
"Yeah...but really you've never told anyone else?" I questioned "Why?"
Neteyam then let out a small laugh.
"I mean you know me I'll talk for hours!" He beamed "But like I said I'm not allowed to be weak, if I told my parents that, shit if I told my clan that...we'd only be able to speak using the spirit tree cuz I'd be deaaaaaaad." He joked, prolonging the last vowel.
I scratched my head, giving a dry chuckle "I'm just surprised because...well I'm the complete opposite. I've never met anyone who wanted to be nothing."
"You say that like that's what you are." Neteyam observed.
"Well yeah." I affirmed "Ask anyone in the village, I'm just the person who patches up leaks and tightens the mauri suspenders. I always wanted to be more."
Neteyam tilted his head attentively "What did you want?"
Without thinking, I lifted my head and faced him.
"I've always wanted to be head hunter." I shared, I could feel my heart beginning to leap.
Neteyam nodded his head taking note of my bubbling excitment "Hm." He hummed "That's a very good goal. Very ambitious."
"Heh yeah..." I trailed off but forced myself to continue "I want to prove myself useful. I used to dream was gonna be the one to show convince the clan that they really need me and that I can be of use."
Neteyam attentively "I see..."
"I used to...dream about Tonowari sending me off to bring back kills in a time of famine. That I'd be the one to save the village from starvation." I chuckled lightly, recalling the many pictures I drew of me giving out food to a hungry clan.
"They'd be cheering for me and...I'd get the biggest most intricate tattoo and...they'd know my name and...and where it came from." I fondly remembered the countless drawings I had drawn of two tall figures looking at me in awe and admiration.
The figures looked like me. At least, I imagine I look like them.
I hope.
I felt that all too familiar embarrassment come back, the one that comes when you think you've said something stupid. I glanced back at Neteyam and adjusted my top, composing myself and clearing my throat.
"So yeah...I...that's why I do all the jobs...to be named head-hunter one day." I finished, trying to dismiss the urge to continue "I just want to be the best I can and earn respect."
Neteyam's smile faded away slightly. He was still paying attention but he seemed to be lost in thought, searching for what he was about to say.
I felt a little uneasy. Perhaps I got ahead of myself. I began to wonder if maybe I had just embarrassed him or completely discredit his struggles.
"Uh..." I began "Can you say something?"
Neteyam pondered a moment longer and then dared to speak.
"Kaia, that's very very noble of you that you're putting so much hard work into this but...that doesn't sound like that's what you really want." Neteyam stated "To be head-hunter, I mean."
I tilted my head in confusion "Did you have cold water in your ears or something?" I asked idly "Did you hear me well?"
Neteyam chuckled "Yes, yea I did...but that's not what I mean."
Neteyam's demeanor then became a little unsure, like he was hesitant to continue "Pardon me if I get too personal but...you just sound like you want to be..." he paused.
"I want to be what?" I inquired further.
"Well..." Neteyam stared pensively at the water before turning back to me with a thoughtful and gentle expression.
"You just sound like you just want to be loved."
Author's note:
Neteyam: I love having life altering conversations with my angry gf while my brother might be torn to shreds 🥰
Thank you so much for 1.8K reads! It's been so rewarding to see people commenting and adding this story to their reading lists! Thank you!
Oeal Ngati Kamea 💙