Annika Remo
It's so strange how people can go from people you know to people you don't and there is nothing you can do.
"Truth is everybody is going to hurt you; you just got to find the ones worth suffering for," I reply softly while I stroke his hair to calm him down.
What I learnt while falling in love with Matteo; is that it's like holding a candle. Initially, it lights up the world around you. Then it starts melting and hurting you. Finally, it goes off and everything is darker than ever and all you are left with is the burns.
The silence was the only thing keeping me sane because everything right now is a mess. My hand slowly slips from Diego's face and my hair becomes curtains. As I feel his head resting on my shoulder fast asleep from extortion.
"I'm sorry" I close my eyes and it's like a dark paradise. Whispering those words, hoping that he would listen. I couldn't help feeling this is all my fault. Maybe if I wasn't that weak I could have stopped all this myself.
There is no release from all this madness.
Swallowing my lips to try to suppress the tears. I don't want to wake him up.
But mostly because seeing him hurt like this...I can't tolerate it. It's so selfish of me but I can't. I don't know how to answer any of his questions.
The ringing sound of the gun is still vibrating through my ears. I glanced down at my hands and all I could see was dirt and blood. Nothing is as painful to the human mind then as a sudden change.
There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have a feeling that If I did, the joy would be gone as well.
"Annika. My brother has a reason for this. Trust the process." I hear Diego whispering in my ear before the bedroom doors open and a few men enter.
What is he saying? Why have so many secrets?
Gently I help the men place him on his bed. "We will change his clothes and his bandages. Miss don't worry. You need rest," as much as I didn't want to leave, I needed answers from Matteo.
Was all this an act?
It can't be. He should have told me. I just feel like there is more to the story than Matteo being angry at Diego for the whole car thing.
I sat in the room waiting for Matteo so I can face him. I want to know everything. No more hiding. No more secrets.
The bedroom door opens and automatically my hands tighten around the bed sheets. Breath Annika. My glossy eyes met his dark ones as I finally got up to face my fears.
Come on speak Annika. Tell him. Ask him.
"I want an explanation—" before I could say another word his hand was on my mouth stopping me from saying another word.
My body froze. And for a moment his light brown eyes were drowning me from reality. I had forgotten who I was, starting up at his. My words had escaped without my knowledge.
My tears rolled down to his hand. I have been here many times before. The worse part is...I don't know how to make my love for him stop.
But I'm not stupid. I try pushing him away. Matteo wouldn't let go. Not saying a word. I hated how his body was so close to mine. I hated that I liked it and there was nothing I could do.
Matteo's eyes hold everything my soul thirst for but can't accept.
Nothing in this world is more difficult than love.
"We can't talk here."
Finally, I could breathe when he let go. My heart was never stable. But I was so angry word's couldn't explain it. "Why can't we talk here? Are you serious Matteo? I'm tired of all these secrets!"
Every time he took a step, I took one back. " I feel like I'm always in your shadow. Every time I ask; what's happening in general you never tell me. I'm sorry but I'm tired Matteo. What happened today...I-I just need to know is there a reason?"
Please let there be a reason.
"I hate seeing you cry."
Blowing through my blood, mingling with my breath and making it hard to breathe.
"Then tell me. Explain. I'm here. Please."
"It's not that easy." He says to me, his voice so low, I have to strain to hear it. "What's not easy Matteo." His left hand threaded in my hair, his right wrapped around me. "I wish...I could just disappear with you," he says, his words a husky whisper against my ear.
I
Am
On
Fire.
His brow cleared, and his eyes turned to honeyed fire as they drifted down to my lips, which, I noted, were now parted. It was like my body was this traitor, acting without my brain's permission. Especially considering what I was thinking earlier, that annoying voice tried to interject. Are you seriously going to let hormones get the best of you when there are important things to consider?
But when Matteo dipped his head down and pressed his mouth to mine, his rough stubble scratching against my chin most deliciously, my brain shut up entirely. His arms wrapped around my waist, cinching me to him, and I put my hands in his hair, feeling the silken strands between my fingers.
It's like swimming in molasses, this kiss, it's like being dipped in gold, this kiss, it's like I'm diving into an ocean of emotions and I'm too swept up in the current. I'm drowning and nothing even matters anymore. Not my head which seems not to hurt, not this room that isn't entirely mine, not this war we're supposed to be fighting, not my worries about who or what I am and what I might become.
This moment. These lips. This strong body pressed against me and these firm hands finding a way to bring me closer and I know I want so much more of him, I want all of him, but what I want most is understanding him.
I can't do this as much as I want to.
"I— can't. Matteo, please" warm tears slip from my eyes. "I want the truth. I love you so much...But you're making it so hard to hold on when you're not giving me anything to hold onto."
He softly pulls my arm and leads me over to the bed. "Matteo—"
I notice the tiny red glowing chip beside the bed, which causes my eyes to enlarge. My gaze returns to him. How?
I don't know what to say. I was speechless. This brought so many more questions.
"Follow me, Annika." He leaves his lips hanging on mine as he murmurs to me before exiting the room.
I followed his instructions. We came outside and into his car. We passed many locations. He brought the car to a stop at the cemetery after a little while. "My mum." My eyes soften as my gaze swiftly catches Matteo's but he didn't look at me. Keeping his focus on the tree outside. Never did he speak about his mother or his past.
I don't say a word as I listen to him. "She too was on the blacklist."
"Matteo I-"
"You wanted answers. I will give them to you. Just listen Annika." His voice was rough but I kept quiet.
"My father took every possible step to free her."
"He kept every detail from her. Everything changed the instant my father told her, and the next day she committed suicide. My father found her on the floor of the bathroom" At what he says, my breath freezes. I hurriedly wipe away my tears.
How could he carry this burden on his own?
"I'm fucking terrified to make the same mistake as my father." His anger seeps through his words and his grip on the steering wheel.
"Matteo," I gently say.
"I wanted to tell you. But, you have a bad habit of hurting yourself; jumping in front of cars, running away." I hold onto his hand a little tighter. Understanding every word he says.
"It drives me fucking crazy, Annika."
"Then I learn that the estate is constantly being watched and listened to. I had to find a way to persuade whoever was listening that Diego was no longer working for me."
It begins to rain. We sit in silence as the drops multiply. "Matteo, I'm so sorry, " my tears fall faster than the rain outside. I felt so guilty. I don't know why but I did.
He takes my hand in his. " I don't want you to apologise for anything, Annika." I know but I can't help it.
Love is supposed to be based on trust, and trust on love, it's something rare and beautiful when people can confide in each other without fearing what the other person will think.
We look at each other at the same time. The sky opens up and the rain spills out faster than before.
"Matteo...what about Diego? What going to happen now?" The words could nearly get lost from the tension.
"His going undercover for a while. Until then we're working on getting more people with higher status on our side; giving us an advantage so I can finally end all this bull shit." His hand slammed on the wheel, making me jump a little.
He took a breath, calming his anger before adding, "I want you to fucking promise that you won't do anything without telling me first," with a little hesitation, I nod. Finally, I understand all the secrecy. And everything that once felt like a mess was not as much.
He pulls me close to him and kisses me. The rain blurs the view out of every window.
**
1 day later.
Learning that there are little devices around the estate including our room freaks me out. Doesn't help with any of my nerves. But I trust Matteo. If this is a way to trick those bastards, then so be it.
Sometimes you have to beat them in their own game. I just hope everything works out.
I place the book back onto the bookshelf when I heard Matteo walk up behind me. My heart begins to pound. I stood there, feeling a desire run from my heart, to my chest, and down toward my inner thighs.
His finger touched my neck, and the hair as it was moved away nearly gave me the chills. His hands went from the sides of my head and down to my neck, out to my shoulders and down to my hands. He grabbed my hands gently yet firmly, put them in front of me and paused. I felt safe, he spoke no words. My heart is about to beat out of my chest and I close my eyes and take a deep breath out.
He kisses my shoulder, and runs his lips on my skin towards my ear, but doesn't quite make it that far. I tilt my head and after his deep breath out he bites me gently. It doesn't hurt, it only makes me want more.
He turns me around, and we are facing each other. He stares into my eyes and smiles. His two hands grab my left hand and he places my open palm on his heart, and he holds it there. His eyes exude love, protection, security, safety, patience, and respect. I smile softly and he lets go of my hands, with one hand he runs his fingers through my hair and gently guides my face closer to his, eventually leaning me in to rest my head on his chest. His other arm wraps around me, I hope he never let's go.
While at that moment against his chest, I could only think about what I could do to make his heart pound.
The next thing I know he whispered "Diego is leaving soon," in my ear.
I know it's hard but it's going to be okay.